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Blast Off with us into the Magic and Mayhem Universe!
I’m Robyn Peterman, the creator of the Magic and Mayhem Series and I’d like to invite you to my Magic and Mayhem Universe.
What is the Magic and Mayhem Universe, you may ask?
Well, let me explain...
It’s basically authorized fan fiction written by some amazing authors that I stalked and blackmailed! KIDDING! I was lucky and blessed to have some brilliant authors say yes! They have written brand new stories using my world and some of my characters. And let me tell you...the results are hilarious!
So here it is! Blast off with us into the hilarious Magic and Mayhem Universe. Side splitting books by fantabulous authors! Check out each and every one. You will laugh your way to a magical HEA!
For all the stories, go to https://magicandmayhemuniverse.com/. Grab your copy today!
Chapter One
“Did that sign seriously say Assjacket? Are you sure we shouldn’t have turned left instead of right at the Gates of Hell?” Heidi growled, obviously getting more nervous and infinitely more frustrated with every mile we traveled. “I don’t remember Zelda saying anything about Assjacket.” She pounded her hand on the steering wheel “Wasn’t it Asscrack? I swear she said Asscrack.” My favorite Hellhound reached into the passenger seat, shuffled through her papers, and grumbled rather vehemently about pushy alter egos and pain in the ass witches.
“Yes, I’m sure. I may only be a voice in your head but I took meticulous notes. Zelda was quite clear that she couldn’t remember the real name of the town but that her name for it was Assjacket or Asscrack and that was what the signs she’d leave for us would say.” I sighed. “This is, after all, my one and only chance to get the frick out of your head and into a flesh bag of my own. Do you really think I’d screw this up? Puleeeaasseeee, Mrs. Hunky Hellhound, has all that sex and having them pups addled your brain?”
Yeah, sure, I was being a bitch, it was my go-to setting after all, but Heidi was being overly cautious. I was nervous and time was wasting and my bestie, who usually jumped first and asked questions later, was acting like an old grandma trying to cross the street without a boy scout. “Besides, Zelda told us everything in this little backwater town was bespelled to look like a dump so the humans would drive right through, remember?” I was getting louder by the syllable but unable to stop my frustration now that I had opened the bag. “You’re not human so you can see through it if you’d just open your damned eyes and look.”
“All right, Lola, damn. Take a chill pill. This is huge for both of us. I need to make sure I get home to Hunter and the kids in one piece. Excuse me for being overly cautious. I have responsibilities to the people I love.”
“I’ll excuse you when I can zap your ass with my mighty, mighty magic,” I sighed under my breath.
“I heard that, slut.”
“Meant for you to, harlot.”
I guess I should stop right here and explain. First of all, my name is Lola. No last name; just Lola, like Madonna and Cher – at least in my dreams. I’m the super sexy alter ego of Heidi, the not-quite Hellhound. For thirty-some odd years, I’ve been the voice of fun and irreverence in the head of a self-obsessed, materialistic, arrogant lawyer otherwise known as Heidi Schwartz. My poor dear had her soul sold to the devil by her bitch of a mother, was squished by the number ten bus, ended up in Hell as a flea-ridden, butt-sniffing daughter of Cerberus, but in the end, found her happily ever after with hunky Hellhound Hunter and also became the not-quite Hellhound of legend who has the power to overthrow Lucifer and run Hell. (Let me add that she abdicated her throne to the King of Hell as long as he behaves himself. While I understand her reasons, I would’ve at least played the part for a month or two just for the perks. I mean, come on, Queen of Hell. Can you imagine the fun? Yeah, you see what I mean. I even have a list. Be nice and I might show you.)
I know you’re thinking it sounds like I should be happy living in such a powerful chick, but let me stop you right there. While I have enjoyed living vicariously through my girl, Heidi, it is nothing compared to what I know I can do if given my own body. I have, after all, learned a lot riding bitch with one helluva lawyer and a kick ass not-quite Hellhound, and I think it’s time I try it on my own. Besides, Heidi and Hunter are in love—like seriously, sickeningly, happily-ever-afterly in L-O-V-E. For a fun-loving chick like me, it’s nauseating at the best of times and absolutely intolerable every other second of every day.
For instance, my girl recently gave birth to a litter...I mean set of sextuplets of the cutest little soon to be Hellhound Shifters in all of Hell, which seriously put a crimp in our relationship. Now that she’s a mate and a mother, Heidi is simply no longer any fun. At. All. She is obsessed with diapers and teething, sippy cups and educational toys, hair bows and matching outfits, and just all things cute and cuddly. *shiver*. What’s even worse is that with all her new-found power, the bitch is able to lock me away...shut me up...ignore *gasp* me.
Now, I ask you, is that fair? If she was honest with herself, Heidi would realize that I’m responsible for ninety-nine percent of all the fun she’s ever had. I’m the reason she stripped down to her skivvies at the office Christmas party and made out with the boss, which resulted in her first promotion. The one who made her try her first quad shot, no foam, caramel macchiato and asiago bagels, which she cannot live without, kids or no. It is I who fueled her love of all things Prada, Jimmy Choo, and Hermes. I made her take her first taste of Cristal and put her first dollop of Dean & Deluca Imperial Gold Caviar on a blini. Hell, it was your girl, Lola here, who egged Heidi the frump into slipping her first Louis Vuitton bag onto her arm, which became her favorite bag and led to a collection worthy of Paris Hilton. Dammit all...I. Am. Amazing. So, I ask you, why would she not want to hang with me twenty-four seven?
“Because she has responsibilities - a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and no time for an alter-ego who just wants to party and have sex all the time.” Heidi grumbled. “And remember, we share a brain. I can hear everything you’re saying.”
“Sorry, stick-in-the-mud. I’ll try to keep it down.”
Guess, I better hurry this up. I’ll try whispering. There, can you still hear me? Okay, good. So, now you see what I’m dealing with, which leads me to the reason for a trip out of Hell and into West Virginia. Hunter, Heidi’s hunky Hellhound, has three crazy-ass aunties who just happen to be witches and are the reason for my aversion to all things witchy in nature. Anyway, they saw the discord between Heidi and myself and mentioned Zelda, a super witch, who is next in line to be the Baba Yaga, the leader of all witches everywhere and the Almighty Shifter Wanker, the one person in all the world who can cure any Shifter of anything.
Anyway, they said this Zelda chickie might be able to separate us, thus ending the fighting and feuding. Can you imagine? Me, Lola, out of Heidi? Running amok in the world? Having my own sex? Owning my own Prada and rocking my own Christian Louboutins? I was giddy at the prospect. It was something I had never considered, but when presented with the option, I literally jumped for frikkin’ joy, put on my favorite feather boa, and danced like no one was watching, because...well...they weren’t and can’t, HA! So, I badgered Heidi until she called this Super Witch/Shifter Wanker and got the deets.
Their conversation took over an hour, in which Heidi the Hoebag hardly asked a tenth of the questions I was screaming in her psyche but, in the end, said enough that Zelda agreed to see us. The Super Witch said something about it being her duty to help all Shifters in need and gave us directions to her office in a town she called Asscrack and then later, Assjacket, WV. I admit to being very wary of witches after dealing with Hunter’s aunties, but this Super Witch/Shifter Wanker sounded almost normal, cursed like a sailor, and mentioned her love of Prada, so I figured we might even be soul sisters and quickly agreed.
She explained that we had called at the perfect time because an empty body in need of a soul had just found its way to her front door. Thankfully, Zelda quickly explained that said body was not a zombie but the byproduct of a spell gone awry. I thought about prying for more details but then decided I truly didn’t want to know. There was an empty body. I needed a body. Seemed like kismet. And...I was gonna get to be magical in the process. What a deal!
It took a week, but I finally got Heidi and Hunter on board. After days and days and days of preparation - you would not believe what it takes to get one hunky Hellhound mate and six puppi...I mean babies, ready to be without their momma for a week. Oy vey! I thought it would never end but eventually, we loaded the Lady Bug Express; Heidi’s cherry-red VW beetle adorned with large black spots all over its body, false eyelash shields on its headlights, a personalized license plate that read LDYBUG and a huge pink carnation adorning the gear shift. I have to admit to feeling sorry for my girl. The Lady Bug Express didn’t fit her kick-ass, black leather wearing Hellhound persona, but it was given to her by Hunter’s Auntie Cassie, the sweetest of the three witch bitches, and therefore, my girl was beholden to drive it on the few occasions she needed a vehicle.
Now, you’re all caught up. Any questions? Okay, good, cause I’m not sure I have the answers anyway. Back to our regularly scheduled argument featuring myself and Heidi the Hoebag.
“But I can still hear you. Trust me, my crazy-bitch-voice-in-my-head, I can always hear, everything, all the time and...”
“That’s enough, Heidi the hole-sniffing Hellhound. Just drive. If we want any shit outta you...”
“Whatever, Lola. Why don’t you tell them about the time...?”
“Why don’t you drive, furball? Turn! Turn! Dammit Turn! You’re gonna miss the turn!” I screamed, pointing at the sign that said Asscrack Next Right.
“I’m turning, slut, I’m turning. How about you keep the volume down? You’re about to give me brain damage.”
“Brain damage, huh? Just wait until I have my own body and shiny new wand. You’ll wish for brain damage, you mangy piece of doggie doo.”
Now you see what I’ve been dealing with for thirty-some years. Is it any wonder I want out? And guess what? Heidi missed the turn.
“Shut. Up. Lola.”
“We can’t get to Asscrack fast enough...”
