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After we turned around and found the right turnoff, Heidi and I continued to bicker, reaching new heights of insults, until we drove into the beautiful town of Asscrack, West Virginia. My eyes, well Heidi’s eyes, were immediately assaulted with the sight of dilapidated buildings, pothole-covered streets, brown lawns, and dead flowers that, after blinking several times and putting on our supernatural-vision, we saw was all part of the massive sleight of hand the Shifters and their leader, Mac—Zelda’s mate and the King of the Shifters—had painted upon their town.
We hung a right at the first street and followed a tiny dirt road to a large wooden sign with the words OFFICE OF THE SHIFTER WANKER, Walk-ins Welcome. Heidi parked the Lady Bug Express and after several long minutes of talking to herself, me, and Hunter, she finally hauled her cookies out of the car and slowly walked toward the cute little log cabin with wraparound porch, complete with rocking chairs and a welcome mat.
“Knock on the door, numbnuts. Whatcha waitin’ on? I’m growing old in here,” I nearly screamed. I knew I needed to be patient, but my girl was dragging her feet.
“I swear to the devil, if you don’t shut the hell up and give me a minute, I will get right back in that stupid car and head south. I’m sure Lucifer or one of the aunts has a way to zap you from existence and I’ve half a mind to make it so.” Heidi was growling under her breath while standing at the door to the Shifter Wanker’s office with her knuckles about an inch from knocking. Any other disembodied voice would’ve shut up and waited but not me...I just had to let it rip.
“If there was another way to get rid of me, you would’ve done it a long time ago. Buck up, buttercup, because this is the best we’re gonna get. Quit your bitching and belly-aching and get to getting, cause if you really did have half a mind, you would be dancing a jig and planning all the ways you were gonna celebrate being rid of me. Satan knows that’s what I’m doin’, sista.”
Pounding on the door, Heidi growled through gritted teeth, “I swear to everything evil, if anything happens to me I will have Zelda zap your ass back to Hell where you will be the personal slop maid to the trolls and ogres.”
The Hellhound presently carting me around in her psyche had just finished bitching when a gorgeous green-eyed redhead opened the door, took one look at the grimace on my girl’s face, and said, “I’m guessing you’re Heidi. Come on...”
She never got to finish what she was saying because the poor thing was damn near knocked on her butt by three of the biggest, ugliest cats I’d ever seen, who pushed her out of the way and sat staring. The biggest of the brood was gray with a white tummy and spoke like a thug from the backstreets of New York when he asked, “What youse doin’ here?”
Thankfully, Heidi, who was no longer freaked by talking animals, took the interruption in stride and said, “We’re here for Zelda’s help.” She stuck out her hand and added, “I’m Heidi, a Hellhound Shifter with an alter ego that won’t shut up.”
The fat cat nodded, slapped Heidi’s hand with a feline high five, and said, “Name’s Fat Bastard.” Then with his paw, he pointed at the white cat with gray splotches who looked like he would enjoy tearing my girl’s face off, and said, “This here’s Boba Fett. Don’t get too close. He’s not the friendliest cuss.”
Laughing like he’d told a really funny joke, Fat Bastard went on, “And this here’s Jango Fett.” The calico cat with a double chin and a belly to match nodded his head and gave a little salute while Fat Bastard added, “We just needs to check you out, you understands, right?”
“Yeah, I understand,” Heidi chuckled, to which I said, “Tell the mangy hairballs to scram. We need to see Zelda and make with the hocus pocus.”
Speaking of said Shifter Wanker, she shooed the feline freaks out the door and invited Heidi in while explaining, “Sorry about that. They are my familiars. I inherited them from my Aunt Hildy when she passed and well, they are pains in the ass, but they’re my pains in the ass, ya know what I mean?”
“I do,” Heidi agreed while mentally comparing me to those flea-ridden felines.
“What the hell, Heidi? Really?” I huffed. “Whatever, byotch. You’ll miss me when I’m gone.”
Completely ignoring me, Heidi asked, “So, exactly what does this whole getting Lola outta Heidi thing entail?”
“Come on in and have some coffee. I’ll explain it all to you and we can go from there, okay?”
“Works for me,” Heidi agreed, which pissed me off, but since I was still a passenger and being ignored, I sat and pouted while detailing all the ways I would make her pay once I was free and in my own body.
Finally, after the ladies chatted about mates and children, hair styles and purses, and everything else under the sun, they got down to the business of sucking me from Heidi’s brain and stuffing me into the witch’s body I had yet to lay eyes on. I hardly listened as Zelda led my favorite Hellhound into the back part of her office and asked her to take a seat on the most beautiful golden brocade chair I’d ever seen.
Unable to hold my excitement, I squealed, “Ask her if this is Prada. It’s got to be Prada or maybe Hermes. Could be both. Damn, isn’t it beautiful?”
“She doesn’t have to ask, Lola, I can hear you,” Zelda chuckled. “And you are right. It is a gorgeous combination of Prada and Hermes procured by my dad. You have a good eye.”
“See, Heidi, I have a good eye.”
“Yeah, I know you do, and when I was topside I had the credit card bill to prove it.”
“Like you didn’t enjoy every single purchase.” I scowled. “Go on, just try to tell me you didn’t.”
Zelda laughed out loud while Heidi had the good sense to agree and snickered, “I give. You’re right, Lola. You do have the best taste when it comes to dressing other people.”
“I hear a but coming and I don’t like it, fleabag. Are you really gonna insult me during our last few minutes together?” Yeah, I resorted to pouting, whining, and making her feel bad just to squeeze out one more compliment while I could. Do you blame me?
“No but, Lola, no but at all. You got it all, girl.”
I know Heidi was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear, but I took the praise as a win and moved on just in time to hear Zelda say, “And behind this door, we have your body, Miss Lola.”
Holding my breath, I almost lost consciousness when the Shifter Wanker opened the door in the corner of her office and out walked a curvy brunette with big green eyes wearing the cutest little black dress I’d ever seen. It was a little disconcerting that she stood there like a life-size blowup doll, but I knew I would soon be filling the empty space with style and rocking her curves like Beyoncé at the Super Bowl, so I took it all in stride.
“Do you see that shit, Heidi? I’m gonna be gorgeous.”
“You know, Lola, it’s your humility that I’ll miss the most,” Heidi said with an eye roll that made me punch the inside of her temple just for shits and giggles.
“I’m glad to hear you approve,” Zelda snickered. “Cause it’s the only spare body I’ve got laying around.”
“Thank Satan, you had this one,” Heidi laughed.
Zelda led my new body to stand beside my favorite Hellhound while explaining, “I had to talk to Carol, the present Baba Yaga, and also the Goddess, but they agreed it was good use of this husk, so here we are.” She handed Heidi the empty body’s hand. “Hold onto that while I get this spell going.”
Electricity filled the air. Bubbles and sparkles, every color in the rainbow and then some, splashed and sparkled as mini-fireworks bounced off the ends of Zelda’s fingers and her red curls lifted from her shoulders, surrounding her like a mystical cloud of energy and power. With her eyes closed, the most powerful witch I’d ever seen and one hell of a Healer from what I was feeling, began to chant.
“Almighty Goddess, hear our pleas.
Lola wants out, she’s tired of fucking fleas.
Let her rock this new body. Let her swerve with her curves.
Watch out world, this loud-mouth chick is sure to get on your nerves.”
I was just about to explain that I did not appreciate being called loud-mouth nor the implication that I could annoy anyone when I was swept up in a whirlwind of rainbow bubbles and my vision filled with flashes of light like the fireworks on Halloween in Hell. Flying through Heidi’s head was an experience I had never expected but, then again, I’d never thought to be free.
Twirling and swirling, I felt like my bagel and coffee from earlier were about to make a scary reappearance when I was sucked into a tube the size of a Clinique lip gloss, tossed upside down, and shaken like James Bond’s martini then dumped into a vast, hollow darkness that reminded me of the Grim Reaper’s cave in the bowels of Hell. With barely time to catch a breath, I was pulled and stretched, tugged and twisted, and drawn and quartered until I had no doubt what the saltwater taffy on the Jersey Boardwalk felt like.
My eyes watered. My joints stung. My muscles burned and my bones felt like they’d been glued back together by a pack of chimps with a dry glue stick. When the world stopped spinning and I was sure my breakfast would stay down, I cracked open one eye and immediately slammed it shut, screaming, “WHAT THE HELL?!”
“Open your eyes, you big baby. Take a look.”
I jumped at the sound of Heidi’s voice coming from somewhere outside my body, tripped over my new feet, and landed ass over teakettle on what felt like the biggest pair of cowboy boots ever created. Raising my lids just enough to see out, I followed a pair of the longest denim-covered legs I’d ever seen to a flannel shirt that was filled out to perfection and ending with a gorgeous male face sporting a goofy grin and sparkling blue eyes.
“I’m guessing you’re Lola?” His deep voice filled the air in the room with warmth and a kind of homey feel as he slid his hands under my arms, hauled my embarrassed ass up off the floor, and deposited me on Zelda’s odd-shaped couch then pulled the Shifter Wanker tight to his side and added, “I’m Mac, Zelda’s mate.”
While I had to swallow all the lude comments floating around my brain, praying the powerful witch who had just sucked me from the Hellhound and stuck me in what I hoped was still a hot bod hadn’t caught the naughty thoughts I had about her mate, I quickly said, “Thank you,” to Mac and then to Zelda, “Did it work? Am I free?”
My hands (yes, thank Satan, I had hands) slapped onto my face a second before Heidi said, “Look, dumbass, I’ve got a mirror. What the hell are you doing? Playing hide-n-seek?”
Dropping my hands and sticking out my tongue, (Which by the way I was already making plans for) I gasped, “Holy shit on a goblin’s goober, I’m a hottie.”
The others burst out laughing as I carefully stood, got my balance, and began to look at my new curves. Turning one way and then another, I had to say I was quite the foxy chick. Looking up at Heidi, I smiled. I knew I should think of something poetic and worthy of the moment to say, but just as I opened my mouth to speak, in ran four chipmunks, all smacking on what smelled like watermelon Bubblicious. The one leading the pack stood on its hind legs and yelled, “Holyshitwhatdidyoudotheresapackofwitchestearingdownmainstreetlookngfortheirsister.”
“Mother humpin’ son of a biscuit-eater,” Zelda cursed. “Those nasty bitches left her body for dead. Now, they come back? Fudge that crap! I’m calling Carol!”
Now, I had no idea who Carol was, but if Zelda needed back up then I was hitting the deck.
