| |
While Zelda yelled, Heidi and Mac prepared for battle and I hid. Huddled behind the couch with the three ugly cats who’d run in behind the four crazy chipmunks, I attempted to stay hidden while everything furry was trying to use my beautifully rounded ass for cover. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any crazier, the atmosphere in the room filled with glowing blue smoke and glittering purple bubbles that swirled around a multi-colored disco ball hanging from the ceiling fan as Madonna’s Material Girl echoed so loudly the windows shook.
Peeking around the corner of the couch, my newly acquired eyes nearly popped out of my head when a tall blonde wearing electric blue eye shadow, pink blush, and magenta lipstick, who looked about thirty-five, appeared out of thin air. It took a second but as my eyes focused, I literally gasped at her fuschia leggings, color-block off-the-shoulder t-shirt with a lime green wide leather belt, combat boots, and every imaginable color of rubber bracelets stacked from her wrists up her forearms. It almost overshadowed her teased and sprayed bangs that made me think of the saying – the higher the hair, the closer to heaven. I silently hoped no one struck a match within a mile radius, because I had no doubt the amount of AquaNet holding the newcomer’s do in place would set off an explosion not unlike a block of C4.
Thankfully, Zelda was not surprised by the person standing in her office and walked toward the pretty blonde, giving her an air kiss as she said, “Thanks for coming, Carol. These are the ones I told you about. They left the empty body roaming around Assjacket then ignored all my calls.”
Turning toward the rest of us, the redheaded witch added, “Everybody, this is the Baba Yaga, also known as Carol, my dad’s girlfriend,” she visibly shuddered making me bite the inside of my lips to keep from laughing out loud, “and my mentor.”
Zeroing in on me, Carol, aka Baba Yaga, the most powerful and scariest witch in the Universe, who I now technically answered to, crooked her finger and trilled, “Come here, my new little witchy poo.”
Slowly getting to my feet because (a) I wasn’t very good at the whole moving thing yet... arms and legs are a lot harder to coordinate than they look, and (b) Carol scared the living shit outta me, I closed the distance between us. I admit that I prayed to the Goddess, because that’s who I heard Zelda praying to and since I was now a witch I figured I better get used to it, and also Satan because, well...that’s who Heidi had been talking to since our arrival in the Pits and I figured covering all my bases couldn’t hurt.
The minute the Baba Yaga’s long red nails touched my arm, goosebumps rose all over my body as a wave of her magic rolled over me. Thankfully, Heidi caught me as I stumbled back from the force, helping me avoid another show of my extreme ungracefulness as Carol announced, “Yep, there’s only one soul in there. Those bitches are barking up the wrong tree. Let me go handle this.”
In the blink of an eye, Carol and Zelda were out the door with Mac bringing up the rear while Heidi and I looked through the screen door with an alarming number of cats and chipmunks at our feet. From one second to the next, the chipmunks changed from their furry selves to short, dumpy men who looked so much alike there was no denying they were brothers and the one who sounded like he had marbles in his mouth that they called Chuck, who spoke so fast it all ran together said, “Ohmygodessthealmightyshifterwankerzeldaisgonnagetblowedup.”
“Naw, she’s nots gonna gets blowed up,” the white cat with gray splotches snorted. “But those bitches whats flying toward her and the Baba Yaga just might.”
The grey cat with the white tummy was cleaning his manly bits as he said, “Yeah, those witches ain’t the brightest bulbs in the pack. Youse would thinks they would knows better.”
Shaking my head, I whispered to Heidi, “And I thought Hell was a trip. This place is nucking futs, dude. How long until we can jump back in the Lady Bug Express and head south?”
“I’m thinkin’ we’re not going anywhere anytime soon,” Heidi mumbled, wide-eyed and watching as Zelda’s hair floated around her head as magic filled the air and the Baba Yaga’s voice sounded low and ominous.
“All right, Sabrina and the teenage witches, stop your shit right there.”
It was hard not to laugh out loud when the posse of short curvy witches actually got close enough to see who it was they were declaring war against. Their overly made up eyes were as big as saucers while their lip gloss laden mouths hung open as they all but fell out of the air at just one glimpse of the one and only Baba Yaga, their leader and the most powerful witch in the world, standing in the middle of the street.
The one with cornrows whispered, “Son of a monkey’s ass, that’s...that’s...”
“Yeah and the other one is the Almighty Shifter Wanker and next Baba Yaga,” gasped blondie with her hair wrapped in tight buns on either side of her head.
Hiding behind her sisters, the shortest of the crew, whose red hair was cut in a pixie highlighting her big, innocent-looking brown eyes, said, “And is that Mac, the King of the Shifters? He’s one big son of a...”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, girlie. No dissing my mate,” Zelda shook her finger as it sparked and sputtered with her barely contained magic.
“We...” the little witches started to explain only to have Carol wave her hand, causing bright shiny duct tape to appear over all their mouths.
“You, nothing, you little shits. I’m asking the questions here. What the hell are you doing busting into town like you own the place? And raise your hands one at a time to answer.” The Baba Yaga’s voice rang clear with barely contained violence that matched the glowing florescent green bubbles fizzing and popping all around her head.
Cornrowed baby witch raised her hand. Carol snapped her fingers, the duct tape disappeared, and she growled, “Speak.”
“We came to get our sister.” She tried to stand tall and look threatening but failed miserably, looking more like a little girl with a bad attitude. “And my name is Barbie. This is Candy,” she pointed to the one with blonde Princess Leah buns. “And this,” she motioned toward the cute little redhead, “is Sammie Jo.”
“Yeah, I know who you are. I know all my witches and at the moment, your names are all Mud.” Carol crossed her arms over her chest. “And your sister is not here.” The Baba Yaga’s answer was quick and final as she uncrossed her arms and lifted her well-manicured fingers in the air to presumably snap the little witch bitches out of existence.
Throwing her hands in the air, the little redhead ran forward, squealing when Carol magically ripped the duct tape from her lips, “Wait! Wait! Wait!” She skidded to a stop, her eyes even wider than before, and squeaked, “Those crazy chipmunks said she was here. That’s the only reason we came looking.”
Kicking the first one I could reach, I grumbled, “Thanks, assholes.”
“How was we to know?” The one I now knew was named Chad asked around the huge wad of pink gum in his mouth.
As I plotted the brothers’ torture for outing my new bod, Zelda said, “Well, they were wrong. She was here, but the poor dear abracadabra’d when she should’ve hocus pocused and blew herself—soul and all its sparkly bits—all the way to the Next Adventure.” (That’s what the Shifter Wanker calls Heaven, for those of you who are as lost as me. Thanks, Fat Bastard, for the heads up.)
“Well, poop,” the little witch whined as her sisters, one whose lips were still duct-taped, came up on either side of her and put their arms around her shoulders. “She was promised to the nerdy son of a vampire by our daddy like a hundred bagillion years ago. He promised his oldest daughter’s hand in marriage in exchange for the family farm. Their wedding is planned for next week.” Her proclamation ended with a sob as her sisters huddled even closer.
Apparently, the Baba Yaga felt sorry for them because with yet another snap of her fingers, the remaining duct tape disappeared and Zelda said, “Well, I suggest you take your happy asses back the way you came and tell your sister’s fiancé that’s he’s irrevocably single.”
Sammie Jo- aka Princess Leah wannabe - looked up with big, pleading, violet eyes and asked, “Can’t you, the great and powerful Baba Yaga, help us out? If Katie doesn’t marry the ner...I mean Vladdie, the vamps are gonna take back our home and throw us out on the street.”
Elbowing Heidi, I snorted. “Katie? This body’s name was Katie. Think I could pull it off?”
Rolling her eyes, my Hellhound buddy sighed. “No, Lola, and you better be paying attention. I have a bad feeling.”
“Well, shit, you just had to go and say that shit out loud, didn’t ya’?”
“Why? Whassup, hot stuff? What’s the Hellhound knows that we don’t?” Fat Bastard asked, now spread out on the back of Zelda’s couch like an oversized matted fur rug from the Dollar Store.
Shaking my head, I blew out the breath I’d been holding. “It’s just one of Heidi’s many effed up gifts. If she says shit’s gonna hit the fan, you better take cover.”
Looking up with his beady little eyes while pulling on the wiry stock of hair sticking out of the side of his head, Chucked squealed, “OhnoIcanttakeanymoreexcitementthisistoomuchthisistoomuch.”
“Chill, Chuck,” I shushed the goofy-ass chipmunk as Carol began to speak.
“I’m sorry, but there’s really nothing I can do about the whole vampire thing. They are outta of my realm of responsibility, but I would think since your sister is gone and all, that one of you would be able to take her place and that would satisfy the deal your dad made.”
I swear the words were still echoing in the air when all three baby witches began shaking their heads so fast I thought they might fly off their shoulders as they wailed in unison, “No! No! No! No! Not a vampire! Not a nerd!”
“Wait a minute,” Zelda waved her hand and all sound stopped even though the girls’ lips still moved and their heads still shook. “You mean you were gonna to let your sister spend eternity with the nerdy vamp so you could keep the family farm but now that’s she’s gone you’re not willing to do the same? What’s the matter with this dude? Does he have hairy toes or fart when he walks?”
Waving her hand in the opposite direction so the baby witches could speak, we all listened as they stammered and stuttered unintelligibly for almost a full minute before the Baba Yaga gave a loud whistle (you know the kind with her thumb and her forefinger between her lips) and bellowed, “Shut your damn traps.”
Once the girls were silent and shaking in their shoes, Carol continued, “Now, take your happy asses out of here. It is my order that one of you will wed the nerd...I mean, Vladdie the Vamp, whatever the hoot kinda name that is, and that is the last I will hear of any of this.”
Looking at one another then back to the Baba Yaga then at one another then at Zelda, Barbie, also known as Cornrows, finally stuttered, “O-Okay. Y-yes, M-ma’am, B-baba Yaga, as you w-wish.”
“Here, let me help you on your way,” Zelda said, and with the flitter of her fingers, the air filled with shimmering gold magic and the three teenage bitc...I mean, witches, disappeared.
Turning back toward us, Zelda took Mac’s hand and followed Carol back into the Shifter Wanker’s office. I wasn’t sure what to say and apparently neither was Heidi, so for about five full minutes, we all sat in silence until Jaba Fett plopped his ass down in the middle of the room, farted like he’d just eaten a vat of chili, and said, “Well, seeing as hows youse all scared away the little witches, whatcha say we have some dinner?”
Fanning the air and holding her nose with her thumb and forefinger, Zelda screamed, “Motherhumpin’ pain in my derriere, what the hell, Jaba? There is no way I’m feeding you anything. You reek like rotten fish. Get the heck outta here!”
Grumbling under his breath about stupid witches and shitting in Zelda’s shoes when she wasn’t watching, all three fat cat familiars waddled out the door closely followed by the chipmunks. I took that as our cue to head for the hills as well and pulled Heidi up with me as I stood, saying, “Well, thank you so much for all your help. Holler if we can ever be of assistance. It’s been real,” while pushing my Hellhound buddy toward the door.
“Hold it right there,” The Baba Yaga demanded at the same time my feet stopped moving and my body spun around. “Not so fast, Lola Come Lately. There’s no way you’re gonna waltz outta here with all that magic and no training.” She stood and walked to my side. “But I need time to be sure the teen witch crew is going to follow my orders, so you will return to Hell for the next two weeks without your magic. When I know the deed is done and one of those little brats has married the nerdy vamp, you will return here and Zelda will train you.”
“What?!” The Shifter Wanker yelled at the same time I groaned, “No freakin’ way.”
Looking over her shoulder, Carol grinned from ear-to-ear and finger waved at Zelda while assuring, “Yes, to both of you.” Snapping her fingers, I once again had control of my feet as she patted my shoulder and cooed, “Now, off with you and I shall see you in fourteen days.”
Walking to the car beside a sulking Heidi while listening to a bitching Zelda, I actually considered begging to be put back in the Hellhound’s head, but then an evil little thought popped into my mind that made me giggle out loud.
“What are you so happy about?” Heidi grumbled, unlocking the car with a beep and opening her door.
Looking over the top of the Lady Bug Express, I grinned, “Oh nothing. I just can’t wait to play with the pupp...I mean your kids.”
Watching me out the corner of her eye as we both climbed into the car, Heidi warned, “I swear to Satan if you cause any trouble I will lock you in the Pits and call the Baba Yaga myself.”
Patting her arm, I tsked, “Oh, come now, I’ll behave. I promise.”
Little did she know, my fingers were crossed and the wheels were turning.
