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Waking up with the sun in my eyes was something I’d never experienced and from the way it felt like thick-gauged hypodermic needles slashing through my brain, my first impression was that I would do everything in my power to never go through it again. Throwing the blanket over my head, I rolled over on my side and was in the process of snuggling down to sleep for maybe another decade or two when the comforter was yanked from my body and I was accosted by the most irritatingly nasal high-pitched squeak, demanding, “You can’t sleep all day. The Masters will be up soon and you are expected for dinner.”
Not willing to roll over or open my eyes, I grumbled, “Am I the main course or merely an appetizer?”
Silence, the kind that makes you think all the air has been sucked out of the room, was my only answer and lasted long enough for me to give up on going back to sleep. Rolling over with an audible groan and an academy award winning performance of Irritated Leading Lady in a Stalker Film, I cracked one eye to make sure the owner of the most obnoxious voice on earth was still there and sighed, “It was a joke, sweet cheeks.”
Quickly reciting her name and her position, apparently with the hopes that I wouldn’t rip her head from her shoulders, the source of my irritation stood completely still. Staring through tiny, circular, wire-rimmed glasses that were perched on the tip of her thin nose in a precarious angle that said they had been sat on more than once, she blinked exactly twice but did not breathe.
Sadly, I had to admit the voice was only the start of the aggravation that would come from Veronica, assistant to the Masters (Capital M, la-dee-frikkin-da) Vincenzo, Vaughn, and you guessed it, Vladimir aka Vladdie aka Nerd Vamp. For starters, I had to wonder if the girl ever looked in a mirror. Her hay-colored hair was knotted on top of her head with a plethora of broken and split ends pointing in every direction like a peacock’s tail and tied tightly with a faded purple scrunchie. There was more bright red lipstick on her teeth and chin than her lips, her green plaid blouse in no stretch of anyone’s imagination went with her gumdrop polka-dot yoga pants, and her nails, well...let’s just say Vanessa had issues with her nerves cause those babies had been gnawed to the quick.
I waited patiently as she came up with something to say and was grossly underwhelmed when it was, “Oh, ha, well, you have to get up and get cleaned up for dinner, Katie. Vlad will not be pleased if you...um...well, you smell like butt.” She slapped her hand over her mouth as her cheeks turned so red they shined and I swear she giggled.
Sitting up, I pushed the mounds of chestnut hair from my face and asked, “Are you seriously blushing? From saying butt?” Throwing my legs over the side of the bed and getting a whiff of myself, I had to agree with her assessment, but really...embarrassed from saying butt? I was gonna rock this girl’s world with my extensive vocabulary of potty-mouthedness. “Sweetpea, you might want to find someone else to irritate. I have been known to curse in my dreams. If butt makes your hollow little cheeks turn pink, I fear for your heart, and hanging out with me, you’ll need oxygen.”
Looking at me like I had two heads, Vanessa stammered, “Miss Katie, you really...”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” I got to my feet and poked Vanessa in her bony shoulder. “This Katie shit needs to end here and now. My name is Lola.” I leaned closer, opening my eyes wide and speaking very slowly and much louder. “L-O-L-A. Lola. Katie has moved and left no forwarding. I now inhabit this luscious, curvaceous bod.” I slapped my hip. “And y’all need to get it right.” I bopped the end of her nose with the tip of my index finger as she stood with her mouth hanging open and her cheeks quickly turning a lovely shade of crimson. “Again, that’s Lola. Now, point me to the ladies’ room. My mouth tastes like the south side of a northbound ghoul and I need a shower.”
Turning toward the door I assumed was the bathroom, since I heard water running and smelled Dial soap, I made it all the way across the threshold before Vanessa mumbled, “You’re not Katie? Are you sure?”
I couldn’t help but shake my head. Was I sure? Was this chick for real? Looking over my shoulder, I winked. “Yep, doll face, I’m sure.” Wiggling my hips, I added, “I may be new in these parts but it’s all Lola, all the time.” And with that, I walked on in the bathroom, shut the door, stripped down to my birthday suit, and took a long, hot shower.
Now, here are a few of the things I had learned since going from being a disembodied voice to a real, live, walking, talking girl. First of all, it’s true, I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Second of all, I sound like freakin’ Lady Gaga when surrounded by tile and soaked in warm soapy bubbles. Lastly, and this one is the big one, I have a bad habit of speaking, or acting as the case may be, before thinking.
Case in point, standing in the shower in all my naked glory, and it is glorious—trust me—I realized that the last thing I remembered was being kidnapped from Hell by a vampire I was now sure was Vladdie (what a terrible nickname. I have to remember to talk to him about that.) and had no clue where I was. Secondly, Zelda had been trying to tell me something important. As a matter of fact, she had been yelling her fool head off and I guessed it was to warn me about Vladdie. Oh, and let us not forget, I had to be sure to tell Heidi that Vlad (I’m not saying Vladdie anymore. It’s just too much for me to handle before food and caffeine.) broke her phone because there was gonna be hell to pay and I was not having my new ass chewed for something I didn’t do.
Now, I’m sure you’re wondering why I wasn’t freaking out or scared or at the least trying to find a way of escape and thank Satan, that’s an easy one to answer. If Vlad or any other of the vampires Vanessa mentioned wanted me dead, I would’ve already been dead. It’s as simple as that. Vamps are not known for their restraint or patience and I did puke all over him, so I felt pretty good about the fact that I was safe...at least for the time being. Not to mention, they all thought I was Katie, Vlad’s fiancée, and he apparently had opted not to wed one of the teen witchy-poos in favor of coming to find me, so there you have it.
Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped a big, soft, fluffy towel around my body and put my hair up in another and after brushing my teeth no less than three times, I exited the bathroom ready to see what trouble I could cause. Thankfully, Vanessa, or someone equally attentive, had left a tray of croissants, strawberries, and bananas with a pot of coffee on the table by the window along with a note that read, Clothes in the wardrobe. Dinner is formal and will be served just after sundown in the dining room.
“So, I guess the whole intolerance to light thing goes for topside vamps, too? Or they’re just fucking with me. Either way, I’m good. Doesn’t have zombie poop to do with me.” I said to myself while slathering butter on my croissant and pouring a beautifully, mouthwatering cup of steaming java.
Plopping into an overstuffed dark leather chair, I ate two croissants, a banana, and most of the strawberries while enjoying two cups of coffee and looking out the window at one of the biggest backyards I’d ever seen. I counted three fountains and four other stone statues decorating two gorgeous gardens with flowers I was sure had been imported from places I’d never heard of. There was a tennis court, two putting greens behind all the flowers, and farther behind that a huge barn where I counted no less than ten horses being walked about and groomed.
“Wonder what the hell vamps need with all this shit? It’s not like they can go out and get a tan.”
“No, but they can enjoy it all by the light of the full moon and besides...that whole sunlight thing is merely a slight annoyance we’ve learned to deal with,” a low, rumbling voice answered from somewhere behind me, making me jump from my chair, drop the cup in my hand, and scream, “What the fuck?” while spinning around and losing my towel to the inevitable force of gravity.
Dumbstruck from one glance at the most handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on, it took exactly four point six seconds for me to realize I was standing stark ass naked with a towel on top of my head and coffee puddling under my feet. Bending over with the speed of light and covering up my nudity, I stammered, “Who the hell are you? Why are you in my room?”
Crossing his arms over his chest while maintaining his devil-may-care lean against the doorframe, said intruder reached on top of his head, slid a pair of black horn-rimmed glasses into place, and said, “Ringing any bells yet?”
Memories of the night before and my abduction from the bowels of Hell came rushing back in flashes and bursts ending with swirling grey eyes and the feeling that I was falling off a cliff. Making sure my towel was secure, I stamped my foot and put my fist on my hip as I huffed, “You whammied me.”
The corner of his oh-so-very-kissable lips curved into a sexy grin as he chuckled, “I whatted you?”
Stomping my foot again, I reiterated, “You whammied me.” I put my hand up and flitted my fingers. “You know. You used your vampire mind tricks on me. Made me fall asleep.” I stepped forward. “After throwing me over your shoulder and hauling me out of Hell.” I clicked my tongue. “Against my will, I might add.”
“Well, you ruined my favorite black pants,” he countered with a twinkle in his gorgeous grey eyes.
“Puulllllleeeeaaassseee, spare me your heartache.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re a vamp. Isn’t ninety-nine percent of your wardrobe black?”
Throwing back his head and barking with laughter, Vlad (I knew it was him. Not sure how, but I did.) agreed. “Got me there.” Then he looked me right in the eye, his face suddenly stone cold, and said, “You’re really not Katie, are you?”
Sighing, because I was really getting tired of the whole Katie drama, I plopped back into the chair I’d prematurely vacated and shook my head. “No, Einstein, I am not Katie. I’m Lola. Katie doesn’t live here anymore.”
I heard him walking toward me and prayed to the Devil he hadn’t decided to eat me for dinner or breakfast or whatever meal it was for him and then breathed a sigh of relief when he just sat in the chair on the other side of the table and looked me up and down. I tried to be patient, swear to Satan I did, but it’s not a virtue I ever possessed and it damn sure didn’t come with my new bod, so I opened my mouth and said, “Sorry, I guess she tried some high-level hocus pocus thingamagig and well, things didn’t go her way.”
Looking at literally the sexiest man I’d ever laid eyes on, (Yes, I know I laid eyes on him the night before but let’s face it, I was seeing double and triple and we all know that grog-goggles can make even the narliest of dudes look like Henry Cavill. I had to be sure, didn’t I?) I realized what a lucky girl Katie had been to be engaged to such a looker and with bucks-a-plenty to boot. It made me wonder what magic she’d been futzing with and why she’d take such a risk, but the past is the past and her booboo was my good fortune.
Leaning forward, I reached across and patted his hand. Ignoring the charge of electricity that shot up my arm and landed squarely in my girlie parts, I shook my head and said, “I really am sorry. I’m sure you’ll find another girl who loves you just as much.”
I swear I saw fire jump in his eyes a split second before he turned his hand over undermine, threaded his long, strong fingers through mine, leaned forward, and murmured, “Oh, I think I already have.”
Son of a bitch! I didn’t see that coming, did you?
