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I don’t know what stupid frikkin’ Einstein-wannabe said hindsight is twenty-twenty but the butthead should’ve added, if you live long enough to see it. Because, as I charged out of the panic room, down the hallway, and out into the gardens that looked like a weed whacker from the movie Maximum Overdrive had descended upon it with a huge group of his friends, I had to wonder if my mouth had written a check my ass couldn’t cash. It was sad but even worse were the steaming piles of ash I assumed had been vampires. Eewww...is the only explanation I have to adequately explain what I was running around, over, and between.
Halfway through my trek, I felt a prick in my arm and assumed, (Yes, it really does make an ass out of me. Not you, cause I’m guessing you’d have told me to stay where Vlad put me thus avoiding what comes next...smart ass!) it was a branch or a thorn, not some kind of dart filled with whoopee juice. But it must’ve been, because the farther I ran the slower I moved, the heavier my feet felt, and the dizzier I became.
From one step to the next I found myself face down in the wet grass with a steaming pile of goo next to my head and the sound of pounding footsteps approaching. Working hard to keep my eyes open, I screeched in pain as I was lifted from the ground by what was left of my up-do. It took a few seconds of manhandling but I finally ended up hanging about a foot above the ground with a huge hand around my neck, my fingernails digging into said arm, and some crazy bitch looking down her pointed nose at me like I had rolled in dog poop. The long, thin faced shrew with black lipstick, too much eyeliner with wings that damn near touched her hairline, fake eyelashes, and swirling, whiskey-colored eyes crossed her arms over her chest, pursed her lips, and cackled, “This is what Vlad wants to mate?” She scoffed. “Well, there is a lot of her. Even the tranq barely slowed her down.”
As the asshats holding me hostage were yucking it up at my expense, my rage was beginning a slow burn, complete with visions of what I would do to these fang-licking sons of bitches the moment I was free. To add insult to injury, the bitch before me who I knew beyond all doubt was Astrid the Assterd, had the nerve to run her long, pointy-tipped, black-polished nail down my cheek and gloat, “Let’s see what the Valentines have to say when I rip your heart out and eat it while they watch.”
“I’m sure they’ll be all broken up about it, Dumbass.” I rolled my eyes, trying to act cool while barely being able to breathe and hanging like a ragdoll from undead Andre the Giant’s meaty paw. “I’ve only known these undead pieces of crap a little over a day. I’m not Vlad’s mate, or anyone else’s for that matter.” I decided to try misdirection, figuring it might buy me a minute or two to come up with a plan. “Your vision must be impaired by those Dollar Store Press-On Lashes.” I coughed as the hand around my neck got tighter. “Better try again, Assterd.”
WHAP!
The effing bitch slapped me across the face, and it hurt, but I refused to cry out as my head flew back as far as it could while in my present position. Then Assface pressed her nasty, bony nose against mine...again, and spat, “You will die today, little witch, and I will bathe in your blood.”
“You really need to check out Bath and Body Works. They have soaps and lotions,” I croaked a moment before undead Andre the Giant threw me over his shoulder and followed Assterd across the garden.
I could hear the sounds of metal clashing, guns shooting, and explosions growing louder the farther big, dumb, and ugly carried me like a sack of potatoes over his beefy shoulder. I thought about throwing up down his back but hadn’t had anything to eat, so that was a no-go. I tried hitting him but it was like punching a boulder, and when I contemplated biting his butt, I gagged. Yeah, a real no-go for me even when looking death in the face.
It wasn’t until I was literally thrown up in the air, snatched back down by the arm, and hung from a bent and smoldering piece of what had once been the iron gate at the entrance of the Valentine Estate that I got a firsthand view of the fighting. I could see Vlad, Vaughn, and Vincenzo kicking ass and taking names and even Vanessa shooting one arrow after another into the chests of black clad interlopers from a crossbow causing them to poof into piles of steaming ash. I imagined she still had lipstick on her teeth but I had to admit, she looked like a real badass nonetheless.
Cheering as loudly as my damaged throat would allow just as Vlad beheaded another of the enemy, I nearly broke my neck jerking my head to the side as Assterd yelled, “STOP OR YOUR BITCH DIES!” so loud my ears rang.
Had I not been the bitch in question, it would have been comical how absolutely all motion stopped and everyone was immediately staring at Assface. In the blink of an eye, Vlad crossed the football-sized yard turned battlefield looking like the conquering hero riding to my rescue with murder blazing in his eyes. He was just about to grab Assterd by the neck when the nasty bitch snapped her fingers and undead Andre the Giant picked up the piece of iron I was attached to, cocked his arm, and prepared to launch me into space.
“You dare to raise your hands to me, Vladimir?” Assface spat like she was the queen and he was a gnat.
“Oh, I dare to do more than that. Now, I demand that you let Lola go. She is human and under my protection. By the law of our kind, if you harm even a hair on her head your life will be forfeit and your head removed by my own hand at daybreak.”
Looking at her nails like she hadn’t a care in the world, Assterd sighed. “Oh, Vladimir, you are ever so boring...cute, but boring. It is a good thing you have good looks and money.”
I could see the fury burning in Vlad’s eyes at the same time I heard his voice in my head saying, “Never fear, my love. I have quite a surprise for Astrid.”
“What the hell are you doing in my head? And we’ll discuss the whole ‘my love’ thing later, but in the meantime, just kick Assterd’s ass. This bitch is pissing me off.”
“Oh, it will be more than her ass that gets kicked. As for discussing things later, we will be revisiting you disobeying my direct order to stay in the panic room and I can speak with you telepathically because I took your blood.”
I might have blushed just a little at the mention of him drinking my blood and the memories it conjured in my brain, but I needed to address the bossy vamp’s belief that he could tell me what to do. “Direct order? Just wait until I am down from here, Buster, I’ll show you a direct order.”
“Lola, shut the hell up and listen to your mate.”
“Heidi? What the hell are you doing here...both here – here and in my head?” I mean, come on, it was getting crowded up there, even for me. Then I growled, “And he’s not my mate.”
“Yes, he is,” Carol, the Baba Yaga sing-songed, joining the party in my brain.
“What the...”
“Carol’s the Baba Yaga. She can reach all witches, anyhow, anywhere, and you and I will always share a mental bond. Oh, yeah and hi, I can talk to you because I’m next in line to be the Baba Yaga. So, now that you’re all caught up, can we kick some nasty vampire bitch ass?”
Zelda sounded damned near giddy at the prospect of a good fight and I kinda loved her even more for it, but I had to ask, “What good am I gonna be without my magic? I’m just a curvy human with a smart mouth.”
“And she got that in one,” Heidi snorted right before Zelda said,
“Almighty Goddess, listen to my words.
Lola’s in trouble. There’s an ass that needs kicking. An ass belonging to Assterds.
My girl needs her magic. Can’t live without her bubbles and a little spark.
Let her be cool. Let her be hot. Let her turn Assface into a dog and make her bark.”
I felt all tingly. Not like when Vlad and I were playing tonsil hockey or when I had too much grog; no, this was a totally different feeling and immediately proceeded a rush of adrenalin, power, energy, and sparkles that felt like I’d had four Red Bulls, two Five Hour energy shots, and a good kick in the ass from this Goddess Almighty chick Zelda and Baba kept talking about.
Assterd was babbling and Vlad was pretending to listen when I finally caught sight of Zelda, Mac, Carol, a dude with hair like Zelda’s who I didn’t know but guessed was her dad, Heidi, Hunter, and Luci marching toward me and every witch had their hands in the air. Not one to be left out, Luci crowded into my brain and chirped, “Hey girlie, ready to be fabulous?”
I wanted to give a witty comeback but at the moment, my brain and body were being filled to the brim with magic and I was praying to anyone who would listen that I zapped the right person and didn’t blow my own gorgeous ass up in the process. Glancing down, I saw bright pink and royal blue sparks flying from my fingertips, a spilt second before Carol said, “You can do this, Lola. Think it, point, and zap ‘em.”
Turning my wrists against the rope big, dumb, and ugly had tied me up with, I pointed my index fingers at the jute, imagined it popping off my flesh, and then whispered the word, “Zap!”
Bingo bango, the ropes flew off my arms and, in a move I will forever refer to as my Lola-loop-da-loop, I pointed and zapped the ropes from my ankles half a heartbeat before I face-planted into undead Andre the Giant’s head. Landing next to Vlad I yelled, “Shut the fuck up, Assterd,” as a diversion at the same time that bright green, dark green, blood-red, silver and gold, and bright yellow with black stripes magic all flew around Vlad and I and knocked Assface and all her mutt-faced minions on their stupid vampire butts.
Spinning around as all of Vlad’s men whooshed by, I saw my friends, a motley crew of witches, Hellhounds, and the daughter of Satan, all coming toward me with their fingers still smoking and smiles on their faces. Turning to give Vlad a piece of my mind for telling my peeps about the whole mate discussion, I was completely taken off guard when said vampire wrapped me up in a toe-curling, fiery kiss that muddled my brain and made me almost relent to the fact that he might just really be the one.
Almost...
