Celestina

‘I swear to God, if I could only get home feeling cheerful for once! I can catch up Pármeno and Sempronio on their way to Mary Magdalene. I’ll go after them, and if Calisto’s not in there, we’ll go to his place and ask him for a present as I’m the bearer of such good tidings,’ plotted Celestina.

‘Master, you’re in such a state and giving everybody so much cause for concern. For God’s sake, try to stop the tongues wagging: spending time in church is the quickest way to get a reputation as a hypocrite. People will say you’re pandering to the saints. If you’ve a problem, deal with it at home. Don’t let people find out. Don’t let strangers in on your problems that are now in the hands of a piper who knows her pipes.’

‘And who’s speaking Celestina’s name in vain? What’s that about Calisto’s slave? I walked the whole length of Archdeacon Street trying to catch up with you but my long skirts kept holding me up,’ panted the old bawd finally catching up with them.

‘Precious jewel, salve to my sores, mirror to my eyes! Your presence and noble old age honour and gladden my heart. Tell me who’ve you seen and what news you bring. I can see you’re in a good mood, and I need to know what my life depends on.’

‘I’ve been working all day on your business, sir, and I let other things slide that would have brought as much profit as a gold mine. I’ve left a lot of long faces to keep you smiling. I’ve lost out on more loot than you can imagine, but it’s all in a good cause, because I bring good news. I’ll tell you quickly, because I’m a woman of few words: I’ve persuaded Melibea to serve you.’

‘Watch what you say, mother, don’t say such things, or these lads will say you’re mad. Melibea is my mistress, Melibea is my god, Melibea is my life: I’m her prisoner and her vassal.’

‘All your mistrust, master, your short-sightedness, and low regard for your interests mean you shoot yourself in the foot whenever you interrupt Celestina in full flow. Your foolish chatter gets on everyone’s nerves. Why do you cross yourself? Why do you looked so surprised? Give her something for her hard work. That’s the best thing to do, and it’s what she’s angling after.’

‘I get you, Sempronio. Mother, I know your effort and my little present were out of kilter. Instead of the cloak and smock I promised, and so you don’t feel you’ve lost out, take this little chain. Put it round your neck, and carry on talking and making me happy.’

‘He calls that a little chain! Did you hear him, Sempronio? He throws it around. I tell you I’m not accepting anything under an ounce of gold for my efforts, however badly the old girl wants to split it.’

‘Shush, your master will hear you, and then we’ll have to pacify him and deal with you. Your mumbling always sends him into a rage. For my sake, brother, just listen and shut up. Didn’t you know that’s why God gave you two ears and only one tongue?’

‘Damned if he’ll hear me! He’s hanging on the old girl’s lips, deaf, mute and blind, like a gormless idiot. Even if we gave him the finger, he’d think we were raising our hands to God and praying for the right outcome for his love.’

‘Calisto, my master, you’ve been very generous to a rickety spindle like me. But as we rate any gift or present as big or small depending who’s the giver, I won’t labour how little I deserve this from someone who’s got quantity and quality in excess and I will measure it rather against your wealth as compared to someone who’s got nothing. In return, I’ll restore your health that has been ruined, your heart that had gone missing and your brain that had gone soft. Melibea grieves for you more than you do for her. Melibea loves you and wants to see you. Melibea spends more hours thinking about you than about herself. Melibea says she’s all yours. This opens the road and calms a fire that’s burning her more than it’s burning you.’

‘Lads, am I in my right mind? Lads, do I hear right? Lads, tell me I’m awake. Is it night or day? O Lord God, O Father who art in heaven, I beg you, tell me I’m not dreaming! Tell me that I’m awake! If you’re having fun at my expense trying to tell me what I want to hear, don’t be afraid and tell me the truth. Your efforts deserve much more than what you’ve received from me so far.’

‘A heart torn by desire never believes good news is true or bad news is untrue. Whether I joke or not, you will be seeing her tonight. I agreed a time with her, at her house. When the clock strikes twelve, you will speak by the entrance to her house, then you’ll learn more from her own lips of my efforts and her desire, the love she has for you and what provoked it.’

‘Yes, oh yes! Can I really look forward to this? Can this really be happening to me? I’ll die first. I’m unworthy of such delight and don’t deserve such a gift. I am unworthy to speak to such a lady about what she might want or will.’

‘They do say it’s harder to accept good luck than bad, that one brings disquiet and the other consolation. Calisto, my master, can’t you think for a moment who you are? Think of the time you’ve spent obsessed with her? Think for a moment about who you’ve involved in this? And likewise, think how up to now you always believed you’d never attain her and have suffered. Now I’m guaranteeing an end to your grief, can you only think of putting an end to your life? Just bide your time: Celestina’s on your side. Even if you were short on everything sought in a lover, I would bill you as the world’s most romantic lover, and I would flatten crags so you could walk, dam the most swollen rivers so they didn’t drown you. You entirely underrate the person you’re handing your money to.’

‘That’s quite right and very shrewd, Sempronio. My suspicions are aroused by the fact the lady yielded so quickly and agreed so rapidly to Celestina’s suggestions. It was as if she wanted to placate our desires with sweet, urgent words, and steal with her other hand, like those people from Egypt when they’re reading our palms. So take care, mother, many a revenge is wrought in dulcet tones. The decoy’s jangle lures partridges into the net, the siren’s song lulls simple sailors with its seductive lilt, and she too hopes to catch the lot of us off our guard. She will purge her own innocence with Calisto’s honour and our death. Like the gentle sheep that suckles on her mother’s udders and another’s, she wants to wreak her vengeance on Calisto and the lot of us. She’ll rush all her people to hunt the big game and small fry, while you’ll be crowing peacefully by your fireside: “He who rang the bell sits safe and sound”.’

‘Shut up, you filth, you good-for-nothings, you suspicious duo! You think angels can do evil, do you? That’s right, Melibea is an angel in disguise come to dwell among us,’ rasped Calisto.

‘Master, you’re so right: these two are seething with suspicion. I’ve done all I was charged to do. I leave you in good spirits. God protect and guide you. I depart very happy. If you need me for anything else, I’m ready and prepared to be of service.’

‘At the speed at which the old girl wants to scarper, Sempronio. That chain has so taken her by surprise. She can’t believe it’s hers or that he’s really given it to her. She knows she’s as unworthy of that gift as Calisto is of Melibea.’

‘How else do you expect a bloody bawd to act who knows full well why we’re so quiet, and who will mend seven maidenheads for next to nothing. She’s loaded in gold and can only think of putting it somewhere safe. She’s scared he’ll ask for it back after she’s done what she promised. Well, we’d better watch out or we won’t get a look in!’

‘That doesn’t scare me. By day I look out where I’ll go by night, and never walk on pavements or raised walkways, but always down the middle of the street. As they say, “You never walk safe on the top of a wall” or “He who walks on the flat is never beat”, so I prefer to get mud on my shoes than blood on my headscarf and the cobblestones. But I don’t think this is what’s really worrying you.’