7 The impact of words

How to use high-level language for positive results

High-level language, or large-sized chunks of information, is vague. Consider the statement, ‘kids nowadays don’t care’. It is vague because it omits the details of which kids, which days, how they show they don’t care and what they don’t care about. A statement like this will have been formed as a result of the speaker applying his or her personal values and beliefs to experience. The danger is that the speaker will now seek further evidence to defend the statement and ignore anything to the contrary. Compare such a scenario with the same pattern used in a positive way – ‘kids today are so creative’, for example. Its vagueness begs the same questions as the previous statement, but the consequences are far more uplifting and empowering.

Both statements demonstrate the three ways in which the mind selects and attaches meaning to experiences for storing in the memory. The first is by generalising, as in ‘kids’. The second is by deleting, as in how specifically they don’t care or in what ways they are creative. The third way is by distorting, as in ‘don’t care’ and ‘so creative’ – the observation being distorted to fit the perceptions of the speaker, to match what he or she has chosen to believe.

Milton Erickson was a highly effective and unconventional therapist. His methods were modelled by the originators of NLP in Patterns of the Hypnotic Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, MD: Volume 1 and Volume 2 by Richard Bandler and John Grinder (Metamorphous Press, 1996 and 1997). Milton used vague language to help people change the way they think. The language patterns he used became known as ‘artfully vague’ language. He used the patterns to help people change the way they represent their experiences internally, rather than give direct advice on what to do. Your personal perception of events is called your ‘map of reality’ and no two people’s maps are alike. Reality maps are covered in Chapter 11.

Milton realised that his clients wanted to change, but making them defensive would not help. So, he agreed with whatever his clients presented as their map of reality, no matter how absurd it sounded. He then used language to make it easy for clients to create their own changes.

A sales executive wanted to improve his results, but was hesitant when talking to new prospects. The root of the hesitancy was an experience of a visit to a new prospect that didn’t go well. The prospect ignored him and ‘made him feel small’ (his words). His memory of this event brought up the emotion of ‘feeling small’, which became a barrier to gaining new clients.

During the coaching he was questioned and offered statements that agreed with the way he was thinking. The manner in which the statements were delivered caused him to realise the absurdity of what he was doing to himself. One of the statements that created a big shift for him was, ‘Wow! Isn’t it incredible how you instinctively know that all new prospects are waiting for you to call on them so that they can make you feel small?’ This statement agreed with his map of reality, yet emphasised the absurdity of it at the same time. There was nothing to defend or disagree with.

After coaching, he changed his perception of the negative experience, which allowed him to be confident about future visits to new prospects. As a result, his new client conversion rate increased significantly.

Think how often you use limiting language to yourself to determine what you can and can’t do. Next time you hear yourself saying that you can’t do something you would like to do, just listen to your reasoning and ask yourself where such ‘beliefs’ – because that’s what they are – have come from.

Here are some language patterns to look out for. If you find yourself using them in a positive way, then generate more. The examples here demonstrate patterns being used in a limiting way and include questions that help to create positive change.

Generalisation

The speaker takes a particular experience and applies it to a multitude of other situations. Let’s look at some examples:

‘You can’t run a family and work full-time’

Questions What can you do? What stops you? What tells you that? Who can’t? Do you know anyone who does? How many hours and days are you thinking of? What if you could?
Words to listen for Can’t, unable, not possible.

‘Children need discipline’

Questions Need? Which children? Discipline in what way? What else do they need? Who says?
Words to listen for Need, must, have to, got to, necessary, requirement.

‘Nobody loves me’

Questions Nobody? Is there one person who does/doesn’t? What tells you that? How are you measuring love? Do you love anyone?
Words to listen for Everybody, nobody, anyone, every, always, never.

Deletion

Details are deleted as the speaker chooses what to focus on. Here are some examples:

‘He’s a failure’

Questions How did he fail exactly? What did he fail at? Who says so? Has he failed at everything he’s done? Is there nothing he has succeeded at? Has he not succeeded at drawing your attention? What else is he succeeding with?

Words to listen for Instances where a verb has been turned into a noun, such as ‘failing at’ becomes ‘failure’ or ‘he is performing’ becomes ‘his performance’ or ‘he is succeeding’ becomes ‘his success’.

‘Her children are not very bright’

Questions Compared to whom? What standard/who are you measuring them against? Bright in what way?
Words to listen for Those that require an opposite, such as good, bad, cold, hot, bright, dull, sincere, insincere, happy, sad, rich, poor.

‘She rejected me’

Questions What did she do that you are calling rejection?
Words to listen for Verbs that require clarification.

‘They were left to fend for themselves’

Questions Who are they? What do you mean by fend?
Words to listen for Non-specific references to people/things such as they, people, computers, children.

Distortion

‘He never buys me flowers so he doesn’t love me’

Questions In what way does him not buying you flowers mean that he doesn’t love you? In what ways does he show that he loves you?
Words/patterns to listen for Statements that don’t ‘add up’, where a conclusion stated in the second part is based on the meaning attached in the first part.

‘My children are driving me crazy’

Questions What specifically are they doing to cause you to feel crazy? What are your children doing when you choose to go crazy?

Words and phrases to listen for Statements in which one thing causes another.

‘I know you don’t want to support my initiative’

Questions How do you know? What tells you that? You can read my mind?
Words and phrases to listen for Statements that include conjecture and suggest mindreading.

‘Families should stick together through all life’s challenges’

Questions Who said that? Who are you quoting?
Words and phrases to listen for Statements that lack reference to the author.

Using what we’ve learned

NLP calls the above ‘metamodel questions’ because they make us aware of the higher-level (meta) meaning of our words. They bring into conscious awareness the deep-rooted patterns of meaning that have been created out of our values and beliefs. All too often, negative vague language becomes part of the programming we use in everyday life. You have seen how easy it is to develop beliefs that have a major impact on the way you behave. Your language is greatly influenced by your beliefs and associated values.

Artfully vague language patterns are positive and offer alternative choices in such a way that the individual is empowered to make whatever changes will help to bring about better-quality results. Think of the metamodel as an antidote to limiting vague language. It clarifies by getting to the specifics of an experience. It does this by questioning the generalisations, deletions and distortions that we have constructed.

When we break down language in this way, it’s easy to see also how our thought patterns become demotivating and limiting – not only for ourselves but also for the people around us.

More insight into the way we use language can be gained from looking at the way we use the past, present and future tenses. You will often hear people say things such as:

‘I will never be able to do that’
‘I can’t go under water’
‘I’m not a team player’
‘I don’t seem able to hold down a job’
‘I can’t run for more than 10 minutes’
‘My manager and I don’t see eye to eye’
‘I’m no good at numbers’
‘If I tried that, I’d certainly fail’.

Note that all these statements are in the present tense – as a human being, you have an amazing capacity to carry past experiences with you in the here and now. Sometimes this is enjoyable – as when you recall pleasant memories and plan your future based on memorable experiences – but, when you apply the present tense to negative experiences, it can limit your potential. Your memories can be like old clothes. They become unfashionable or worn out, but you can’t bear to throw them away, so they hang in the wardrobe, taking up space and preventing your other clothes from looking fresh and smart.

The problem with the makers of the statements above is that the desire to change is overshadowed by the strength of the belief they carry. By changing the tense of statements, you can start to gently loosen the hold of the limiting belief. Here are some examples:

‘I will never be able to do that’ becomes ‘Up until now I have not been able to achieve this.’ (Notice also the subtle change from ‘that’ and a flat dismissal of the action, suggesting dissociation, to the positive attempt at making it work.)

‘I can’t go under water’ becomes ‘In the past I have not felt comfortable going under water.’

‘I’m not a team player’ becomes ‘My experience of working in teams to date has not been enjoyable.’

‘I don’t seem able to hold down a job’ becomes ‘Previously I have had some challenges settling into a job.’

‘I can’t run for more than 10 minutes’ becomes ‘I can run for up to 10 minutes.’

‘My manager and I don’t see eye to eye’ becomes ‘My manager and I have had one or two differences in the past.’

‘I’m no good at numbers’ becomes ‘I have had a challenge or two with arithmetic.’

‘If I tried that, I’d certainly fail’ becomes ‘I have never tried it before, but I am willing to have a go.’

The initial form of the last statement is interesting in that it is not even based on a past experience. It predicts failure and so prevents the speaker from even trying something new.

Putting the statements into the past tense suggests that there is a possibility things can change now and in the future. To create a real change in behaviour, you have to work on designing the future. For that to happen, there has to be a real desire to bring it about. With a real desire to change, you can add the future intention. For example, a person with a real desire to build a relationship with his manager might say, ‘In the past, my manager and I have had our differences, but I am going to make a real effort to listen and understand his point of view.’

We encourage you to listen closely to the words people say and to your own internal dialogue, and to challenge it where appropriate using the metamodel questions.

Using metaphors to create change

Further insight into the ways people think can be gained by observing what metaphors they use. Metaphors are also very effective tools when pacing and leading other people.

Some people have a way of using metaphors that gives away their map of reality. Some such patterns have become part of the everyday language we all use. Here are some common examples:

‘It’s like watching paint dry.’
‘She was like a bull in a china shop.’
‘This is the Rolls-Royce edition.’
‘It’s like walking through treacle.’
‘We need to ride the storm.’

Metaphors like these are a manifestation of a map of reality. Identifying with a person’s metaphor can create instant rapport. You can pace and lead someone effectively and elegantly by picking up on their metaphors without even knowing the true content of their meaning. Here is an example from a conversation between David and Ben.

Ben:	It’s like the car is running, the wheels are going round, but we’re not going anywhere.
David:	Really! That must mean the engine’s working very hard.
Ben:	You’re right, it is.
David:	Then that must be putting a lot of strain on the engine.
Ben:	You are absolutely right – it’s like there is so much detail and I can’t join up the dots.
David:	Which dots?
Ben:	The dots of my aspiration.
David:	What do the dots look like?
Ben:	I don’t know – actually there aren’t any.

In this conversation, David first joined Ben in his metaphor. He then led him from a state of frustration to a realisation that his stress was of his own making. Ben didn’t know where his stress was coming from. By developing the metaphor, he became aware that the cause of his stress was an aspiration without a plan.