Most men like being footloose and fiancée-free. They believe in life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit.
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Women want to be head over heels in love. Most men just want the heels over the head bit.
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Women want to talk in the plural – ‘we’ll do this’ and ‘we did that’. We want the comfort of being number one on someone’s speed dial. To be cherished. To have someone who can do the harmony line on ‘I Got You Babe’. To laugh at our jokes. Damn it, a girl just can’t kiss her own upper eyelids. But while women want to make a Declaration of Dependence, most men tend to approach commitment like a naked guy approaches a barbed-wire fence.
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You’ve made your bed and now all you want to do is lie in it – with him. But most men don’t even masturbate over the same fantasy figure two nights in a row, in case she gets attached.
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During your twenties, you think you’ve developed tinnitus, but it’s just the endless ringing of wedding bells as all your friends get hitched. This is the time when a boyfriend gets increasingly nervous. He’ll begin to think that all women are husband-hunters, equipped with everything bar a net and a tranquillizer dart.
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To marry or not to marry – this is the question. A woman’s thinking, we’ve lived together, bought a microwave and shared a genital infection. Marriage is surely the next logical step? But what the man’s thinking is, should love be logical? Marriage is a natural progression – yes – but forty to fifty years of it? From honeymoon to tomb? Forty to fifty years of looking at the Cheesy Wotsits and chips stuck in her fillings every time she laughs. Is this really love’s greatest manifestation?
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Men think of themselves as a fine vintage and try to persuade you that a good wine takes the longest to mature. Women think that by thirty, it’s decanting stage.
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Some men are so commitment-phobic, it’s amazing that they can even commit to a wine.
Waiter: ‘Red or white?’
Man: ‘Um . . . white, thanks.’
Woman: ‘Subject, of course, to his indecision. He can’t commit to a wine. As far as he’s concerned, the word “commit” should only be used next to the word “murder” . . . which describes marriage, apparently.’
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A woman knows that it’s natural to get all tied up in knots about tying the knot. But whatever your joint emotional misgivings, she’s sure you can work them out . . . The man is thinking, why is it that people are always using the word ‘work’ next to the word ‘marriage’? Oil rigs you work on. Key accounts. Yachts, as a deckhand. But a relationship should be a retreat from all the things you work on.
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For most men, love is just a four-letter word . . . Ask him if he loves you and the most articulate man on the planet will suddenly take on the speech patterns of an android from Robots from Planet Bastard.
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Ask a man if he loves you and he’ll become so enigmatic he’ll be harder to read than advanced trigonometry.
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As he surveys you with all the enthusiasm one gives an approaching traffic warden, you will feel bewildered. It’s not like you’re asking him to slay a dragon or pull a sword out of a stone. All you’re asking is that he uses the L word. It’s not the sort of question you have to swot for.
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Mention the L word and he’ll go out to buy a packet of cigarettes . . . and won’t come back for two years. When he finally walks back in the door, just look at him and say, coolly ‘Didn’t they have your brand?’ Then introduce him to your new boyfriend.
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Better to find out he’s a commitment-phobe now than on the day he leaves you standing at the altar. The best way to get rid of cockroaches is to tell them you want a long-term relationship. (Turn on the kitchen light suddenly and see if he makes an instinctive dash to get under the fridge.)
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Jilting a woman at the altar is an act that puts a man on a par with a puppy vivisectionist. From then on, he’ll be known as the ‘Wedding Reneger’. Churches will burst into flames at his approach.
It’s hard enough to get a man to commit to calling you ‘baby’, let alone to having any. The question is: how does a clucky woman go about finding a man who wants to have children? Perfume ads are full of promises of romantic attraction. Obsession says, ‘I’m a fun-loving babe.’ Allure says, ‘You’ll have to buy me an expensive dinner first.’ What we need is a perfume which says, ‘Fabulously Shagable Sex Goddess Who Wants You to Father Her Children, and I’m Ovulating Now.’
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Who would have thought it would be so hard locating a sperm happy to get egg all over its face?
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Some decisions can be put off hundreds of times until they slip your mind. When it comes to commitment to babies, most men are so indecisive they should consider joining Procrastinators Anonymous – except he’ll keep postponing the appointment.
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When you’re waiting for a man to commit, you feel as though your destiny has been rerouted to one of those call centres in India where you listen to mangled versions of all your old favourites. ‘Your call is important to us, but we’re putting you on hold for the rest of your natural life.’
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Don’t wait too long for a man to rise to the occasion, procreation-wise. You don’t want to become a granny test-tube mum.
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Most blokes could hold workshops on non-occasion-rising.
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Your only commitment will be to an institution for the criminally insane for ever thinking you wanted to marry a commitment-phobic man like him.