THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!
THE SPARKLING PROSCENIUM OF an outdoor operatic gypsy stage spired up against a backdrop of blinking lights, flapping flags, and swirling carnival rides. Standing among the excited crowd in front the footlights of the gaudy affair was the entire Donato family, minus Bella and Lucia. Tony, Luigi, Lulu, and Manny (who had won first place in the Prizewinning Produce Show for his enormous beefsteaks) cheered as Connie and her caged canary Canto joined a line of twenty-seven girls, some with goats, some with roosters, some with cats, some with dogs, and one with a horny saw-toothed donkey.
“Connie’s gonna win, Papa!” Luigi hollered through a mouthful of peanuts.
“Where’s Bella?” Lulu asked.
“Who the hell cares?” Tony snapped.
As Dario Scungille’s one-man band played “God Bless America,” the girls and their animals baltered across the stage. The crowd applauded and whistled and cheered as each contestant cantered forward holding or coaxing or dragging her beast. Roosters crowed, goats jumped, and cats hissed.
Connie’s canary chirped and flapped its little wings.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have a last-minute contestant!” the emcee, a real midwestern corn kernel who had trouble pronouncing East Coast names, announced. “Miss Bella Donna Mary Do-nay-toe and her three-hundred-and-fifty-pound sow, Abundance!”
“Belladonna Marie Donato!” Bella hollered from the wings.
“Sorry!”
As Bella and her enormous pig trotted onto the stage, jingle bells jingling, teats swinging, the crowd hooted and whistled.
“Mamma mia!”
Dario Scungille kicked his instruments into an impromptu tom-tom beat as Bella and her pig bounced around the stage. Abundantia squealed and Bella squealed too. “Howdy, everybody!” she hollered over the brassy fanfare. She waved at the applauding crowd and twirled around in front of the judges: the boy-crazy monsignor from Saint Anthony’s; Guiseppi Sparza, who was too old to see; and the carrot-dicked cake-eater from S. S. Kresge. She blew her papa a sweet kiss and smiled like a saint, teeth gleaming, as she gamboled past the judges. Then she sashayed her big beast center stage and meatball-coaxed the animal to roll over, sit, play dead, and speak.
“Papa, look at Bella!” Luigi hollered through a mouthful of cotton candy.
“Son of a bitch!” Manny hissed.
“She’s so pretty!” Lulu sniffed.
Dario played a jaunty reprise of “God Bless America” as the girls and their beasts paraded around the stage one last time.
“Bella’s gonna win, Papa! I can feel it in my heart!” Luigi cried.
“I’m gonna fucking kill her!” Manny growled.
“Why?”
Bella stood out like a horse in a haystack, but she never felt so beautiful; she never felt so free. She felt like a little Angel Queen again, flying over everything.
Papa! Catch me!
After the judges conferred, the line of girls was narrowed down to four: Connie Donato and her canary Canto, Brunhilda Winklepicker and her snaggle-toothed cat Scarlett O’Hara, Clara Fell and her horny donkey Jackie Boy, and “Bella Donna Mary Do-nay-toe and Abundance!”
A drumroll, please.
“And the winner is …”
Connie closed her eyes. Brunhilda crossed her fingers. Clara shrieked. And Bella got ready to take her prizewinning bow.
When Connie’s name was called, Bella let go of Abundantia’s jingle-belled leash and made a run for the judges in a tornado of fury. “Hey, fellas! We had a deal! You promised to vote for me!”
The sow jumped into the crowd and plowed through everyone’s legs, the cat went after the canary, and the horny jackass kicked after Abundantia.
Bella was almost swallowed by the ensuing stampede, until a pair of strong hands grabbed her. In the chaos she was quickly lifted and carried to safety.
“Francis!” a gruff-voiced woman somewhere in the crowd called frantically. “Francis Anthony Mozzarelli!”
It all happened so quickly. Before Bella knew it, her feet were planted on the ground.
“Francis!” the gruff voice screamed.
In a swirl of confusion and relief, Bella looked around, but the Hero who had rescued her was nowhere to be seen.
“Francis Anthony Mozzarelli!”
When Bella arrived home, her papa chased her around the house like a rabid racehorse out of its gate. When he finally caught her, he knocked her left cuspid out of her mouth and gave her two black eyes. Then he shot the pig, tossed the carcass into the kitchen, and ordered Bella to cook something delicious with it.
Risi e Bisi con Prosciutto
Risotto was a dish Bella always loved to cook.
She could make it with just about anything.
It required creativity and patience.
She often made it with squash blossoms in spring.
Asparagus and zucchini in summer.
Dried fruits in autumn.
And wild chestnuts and roasted garlic and herbs in winter.
(She never made it with ham after this.)
2 pounds ham meat, cut into quarter-inch bits
3 cups Arborio rice
7 cloves garlic
8 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 large garden leeks, sliced (light green and white parts) and thoroughly rinsed
2 cups dry white wine
2 cups fresh peas
Montebologna Olive Oil (the Olive Oil of Italian Kings!) for frying
grated zest of two lemons
1 cup (Pecorino) cheese, grated
salt and fresh ground pepper, to taste
fresh basil
12 cups chicken broth
1.In the bottom of a large Dutch oven, sauté the ham meat in olive oil until some of it is nice and crispy. If the pig was a beloved pet, you might shed a tear or two or three, especially if you had entered a genuine beauty and the beast contest together. Thank the animal, honor it, and try not to over salt the pork with your tears.
2.In a separate gravy pot, heat broth and smashed garlic cloves until steaming. Keep warm.
3.Add and melt four tablespoons of butter over medium-high heat in the Dutch oven. Add the leeks and stir until they are soft (3–5 minutes).
4.Add the Arborio rice to the leeks and ham and cook, stirring, until toasted (3–4 minutes).
5.Stir in wine and cook, stirring. Scrape up all brown bits and delicious crispy nubbins stuck to the bottom of pot until absorbed (3–5 minutes). Use a well-seasoned wooden spoon if you are lucky enough to have one.
6.Add six cups of the hot broth to the rice, a cup at a time, stirring constantly, until mostly absorbed (8–10 minutes).
7.Add six more cups of broth to the rice mixture, a cup at a time, stirring constantly, until risotto is tender and thickened (10–12 minutes). Stir with patience.
8.Reduce the heat to low and stir in the peas, cheese, and remaining butter. Add more broth if risotto is too thick.
9.Season with salt and pepper.
10.Top with lemon zest, slivered basil, and more cheese.
11.After a quick prayer for every pig ever killed to eat, serve immediately.
12.Buon appetito! Mangiare bene! Stare bene! Delizioso!