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THE NEXT FEW DAYS WERE spent in the library, on solo strolls around the expansive grounds, and with a healthy amount of napping when Leah felt like it.
Leah reconsidered the options for her future. They all relied so heavily on one person—Marcus. Her gut twisted, and her anger grew every time she recalled the things he’d said and done. Her heart hurt at the broken promise he’d given her the day she’d permanently left the palace. I’ll always choose you. And I’ll always choose our baby.
She almost wrote him a letter, on more than one occasion. But he hadn’t bothered to, and he was perfectly capable of doing so.
At the end of the week, Leah and Kaylah set out on the first of their agreed-upon picnics. They settled down on a large blanket near a swimming pond.
“Thanks for joining me.” Kaylah smiled.
Leah hadn’t had much choice in the matter, but she wasn’t about to insult her hostess. “Yeah, this pond is so pretty.”
“First, I have a gift for you.” Kaylah pulled a linen-wrapped package from the picnic basket.
“For what?”
“Because. And I promised...”
Leah unwrapped the gift, surprised to find the final book in the Valeska’s Adventures series in pristine condition. Leah studied it. It looked brand new, not like a public library copy. Then she opened the front cover. Clear as day, an inscription had been penned on the title page. To Leah—Enjoy the adventure. And it was signed by the author.
Her jaw dropped as she ran her fingers over the writing. “This is for me?”
“I didn’t realize you were such a bookworm.”
“I’m not. Well, I wasn’t...” Not until she’d walled herself off in that cottage. “Thank you.” She’d never had something special like this.
“The author doesn’t usually do signed books, but being me has some perks.”
Leah shook her head, fixated on the book. “Thank you.”
After a minute, Leah set the book down, helping Kaylah unpack their lunch. “I really like it here,” Leah confessed. “More than at the palace.”
Kaylah blew out a puff of air. “You didn’t grow up with that lifestyle. I’m sure it was a hard transition. I wish...” She hesitated. “Do you think you would have preferred to move in with me and Eric if you’d been given the choice when you first moved over here?”
“I ... think that would have been hard at the time.”
Silence hung thick in the air. She’d hated Kaylah, and she’d hated herself for what she’d tried to do.
“You know,” Kaylah continued, “when we discussed what would be best for you, Catrina and Stephan were quick to offer their home.”
Leah bit the insides of her cheeks. The day they’d sat in a room and discussed whether Leah and her mom would live or die for their crimes...
Kaylah gingerly opened a glass jar of peaches. She explained how Catrina truly did want the best for Leah, and how she still wished Leah would go speak with her at the palace. Leah tried not to be annoyed. “You have to make a lot of tough calls as a queen,” Kaylah said.
Leah shook her head, staring at the spoon in her hand.
“Leah, I understand you’re frustrated with her, with the rules.” Kaylah’s voice was kind but not hesitant. “But you’ve learned about our history. Every day of my reign, and Catrina’s, we’ve had to be mindful about dotting our I’s, and crossing our T’s. It’s one thing to rule a kingdom and keep up an air of professionalism. It’s a whole nother issue to recover from decades, even centuries of brutality.”
If Leah were more levelheaded, she would acknowledge the truth of that statement. She would also admit that even a queen was allowed a bad day. Catrina hadn’t been herself that morning, just like Leah hadn’t been herself when she’d slapped Marcus. Maybe the kids had kept Catrina up half the night, or her own maternal sickness had. Maybe she’d been stressed to her limits by her unending daily obligations. Maybe she had been shocked at Leah’s defiance because she’d never fully understood how messy Leah’s life had been before coming to the Green Lands—she’d hidden that part of herself well before that morning.
But Leah had never been all that levelheaded, and it wouldn’t destroy the kingdom for someone to back her up when she desperately needed it.
Pursing her lips, Leah met Kaylah’s gaze. “Is this what our picnics are going to be? Telling me why I’m wrong about everything?”
Kaylah sighed. “No. That’s all I’ll say about things with Catrina.”
“Good. And you know, people hate me for what my parents did, but that’s not my fault. I mean, obviously ... the whole attempted murder thing was kinda my fault.” Her cheeks warmed, but she was still stuck on the way Catrina had handled the palace’s secret passageways. “Catrina even treated me different. I wasn’t planning a coup. I was just trying to... It’s not fair.”
Kaylah frowned. “It’s not. And honestly, I don’t even consider your parents the worst Ivy rulers.”
Leah cocked her head in disbelief. Her own dad had tortured Kaylah for days.
“I’m serious. Yes, they did horrible things, but most of what people detest were their plans to do things. What they hoped to do with Bomen, Seeders, and Ivy society as a whole. But if you ask me, I’d say Queen Lavinia was the worst we’ve had.”
The name was familiar, one Leah had read since coming to the realm.
Kaylah spelled out her meaning. “A huge manipulation of her people, and a legitimate attempt at genocide against the Seeders.”
Leah couldn’t help but think of Rachel at the mention of her people. Seeder lands had been poisoned, and that poison had been lethal to every single unbloomed Seeder girl—vulnerable as teenagers or younger without their powers yet.
“Yeah, that really is worse than what my parents did.”
“Plus, I look at it this way: your mother and father tried to steal my throne, but that’s not any worse than your father’s and my great-grandmother killing an entire downline of heirs to switch the Mother Vines’ allegiance for her takeover.”
“True.” Leah turned the spoon in her hand. “We should bring those up more in public education, then people will hate me less.”
Kaylah frowned again. “People mostly focus on your parents and what they did because it’s such recent history.”
Leah shifted on the blanket, crossing her legs. “So, in a hundred years’ time, people will be more forgiving and might even like me?” That did a whole lot of good for Leah right now...
“Mmm.” Kaylah skirted answering that one with a single understanding look. “Things will get better.” She glanced at the food. “But this won’t if it warms up, so let’s dig in.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, munching on pastries, peaches, and broccoli slaw.
“Do you want me to arrange a counselor for you to see?” Kaylah offered.
Leah shook her head. She’d seen one for a while after the whole botched assassination debacle, but Leah had eventually come to dislike the sessions. Perhaps she’d adopted her mom’s distrust of therapists, but Leah had started to fear her information hadn’t been completely private with the counselor, that some of it might be given to the queen to ensure Leah was safe and proper.
She’d completely stopped counseling after a particularly painful visit with her mom at the prison. Leah had needed to bury that memory, the feelings that had torn her in half that day.
“Should I keep this baby?” Leah asked. “Or should I...”
Kaylah surveyed her, finishing a bite. “I thought you wanted to.”
Leah swallowed a lump in her throat. “I do.” But as much as she’d grown attached to the baby, and as much as she loved her mom, she couldn’t lie to herself. More than once, especially in the last few months, Leah had wished her mom had never conceived her. Had found it in her to drop Leah off somewhere to be adopted as a baby.
“If you want to keep it, then you should.”
“I might be a horrible mom,” Leah confessed, heartbroken. “And she wouldn’t have to live a crazy life like me if I gave her away, and she never knew she was my child.”
“It’s hard having notoriety. Marcus and Tobias know what that’s like, growing up, and they’re happy.”
That comparison was nowhere near fitting. Their parents had been a controversial pair at the end of the war, and to some extent still were, but they were hailed as heroes. Even those who still clung to outdated beliefs were generally happy the war had ended, because it meant not sending their sons and fathers, husbands and brothers off to die in war.
“And I don’t see why you’d be a horrible mother,” Kaylah added.
The royal family was talking about Leah, this much she knew. But she wasn’t sure to what extent. “How much do you know about why Marcus left me at the cottage?”
Kaylah cleared her throat. “I just know ... that you’re pregnant, and had a falling out with Catrina, and then Marcus ... and his family. And that you haven’t seen him in a couple of months?”
Tears pricked at the corners of Leah’s eyes. “He... He said ... some awful things. And I... I hit him.”
“Oh.” Kaylah didn’t show judgment or shock.
“I hit him hard.” Leah wiped away a tear. That single action had taught her that she was capable of becoming something she’d sworn to never become—an abuser, like Cheryl. It had taught Leah that her simmering anger could go too far. What if she got frustrated some day and took it out on her own child? It was a terrifying thought.
“I didn’t really mean to, but I’m pretty sure I used my Ivy energy when I hit him, when I slapped him.”
“I see...” Crimes committed against Bomen carried heavier sentences, and regular green folk with powers had to be considerate of those born without them. “Have you two ever fought like that before?”
“No.”
“Then ... if you’re basing how good of a mother you’ll be off of one incident...”
Leah twisted her lips, unwilling to accept the leniency.
Kaylah wouldn’t have it. “Every single parent out there, no matter how kind and competent, has done something wrong. They’ve screamed at their crying child after they both got a sleepless night, or they’ve forgotten something important, left something hot or sharp within reach. No one’s perfect. And whether as a parent or as someone in a serious relationship, it’s their responsibility to ensure it never happens again.”
“It won’t.”
Kaylah nodded, not responding for a while. “I’m sorry he said ... whatever he said, if it was bad enough for that to happen.”
Surprised with herself, Leah felt immense relief at that. It bugged her sometimes when Marcus called Kaylah ‘Aunt Kaylah.’ Because she was actually Leah’s aunt, not his. Kaylah was only his honorary aunt. But blood wasn’t always thicker, and Marcus had grown up around Kaylah as the golden child, and Leah had only been in her life a couple of years, after trying to kill her.
But she felt safe in Kaylah’s presence right now, as though she might be the only person who wouldn’t pick sides.
“You know, he’s ... immature,” Leah vented, setting down her plate and spoon. “He doesn’t always get how hard this is for me. And the way he... He wants me to marry him, but he won’t even put me before his mom. Isn’t that what adults are supposed to do? I’m carrying his child, but he cares more about what his parents think, or what Catrina thinks.” She huffed, then added a couple more examples of instances that frustrated her.
Kaylah heard her out, not interrupting. She set down her plate and spoon as well. “You are both still young. But ... you’re right. Some of that was pretty crappy.” She drew a deep breath. “One thing you have to remember is that he grew up in a healthy, happy home. He’s gone through some unique and hard experiences, but not nearly the way you have. And...” She shrugged slightly. “When children go through a lot at a young age like you did, they’re forced to grow up faster.”
Leah had told Kaylah about Cheryl’s abuse, and Kaylah was well aware of the fact that Leah and her mom had moved a ton in the human world, but Leah hadn’t told her even half of everything, hadn’t told her anything about the sexual assaults she’d endured.
“I’m not excusing him,” Kaylah said. “I’m only saying ... we all mature at different rates, and he can catch up.”
Leah hoped that was true. In her heart of hearts, she still yearned for him to be next to her in that huge bed, to share meals and smiles with her, to share dreams and a future with her.
“Have you written him?” Kaylah asked softly.
Shaking her head, Leah frowned. “He hasn’t written me either.”
“Well, when you’re ready, we could spare the paper.” Kaylah smiled. “Because you two are one of my favorite couples.” It was public knowledge Kaylah was a bit of a romantic, a bit of a matchmaker.
“I’ll try to remember that.”
“I also have some spare notebooks if you’re interested. I know Rachel has found journaling helpful ... if you don’t want to do counseling again.”
Leah fought to not roll her eyes at yet another comparison to Rachel.
“I know... Not your favorite person right now, but I figured I’d throw it out there. You’ve both been through a lot. And I really do think she’ll be a great support for you two and the baby. It sounds like you just need to set some boundaries.”
“Yeah, we’ll see.”
Soon enough, a breeze blew in, the sky threatening to mist, so they packed up and returned to the house.
Leah ended up making her way to the sitting room and grabbing some stationery. After returning to her room, she penned two letters. One to her mom, to let her know she was safe and doing well, still unable to visit her. The other to Marcus, apologizing for hitting him, asking him to visit her at Kaylah’s.
Only one of those letters made it to servants’ hands to send in the post. The other was deposited in Leah’s bedside drawer while she mulled over the matter.