CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT - JESSE

 

 

She’s gonna run.

I see it. Picture the whole shit show in my head. Maybe she gives some babbling explanation or maybe she doesn’t. Won’t matter. I know how this ends. I’ve lived in this world, in this building, in this skin my whole life. And even I don’t know what to think about it. Even I don’t fully understand it.

Why do people think I escaped with drugs and alcohol? Why did I run away to sail the world? Why does Joey fly all over the fucking planet partying like an asshole? Why does Johnny lock himself up in that tower of his own making?

This is why.

No one knows this, of course. Because no one knows us.

Not even us.

So how can I expect Emma to get it?

“Listen,” I say. Because I don’t know what to do to make her feel better. I don’t know how to change something that is so… intrinsic. So much a part of me. But I know I have to at least try. “Just give me ten minutes, Emma. Just ten minutes. That’s it. That’s all I’m asking for.” I look down at her. Have the urge to kiss her again and make this all go away. Pretend it’s not happening.

Part of me wishes I didn’t invite her over. But if we’re going to be together—and I really want to give that a try—then she has to know what she’s getting in to. And she has to find a way to navigate her way through this… whatever it is that hangs over our family like a thick, black cloud.

She lifts up her head and meets my gaze. Locks eyes with me. “Who are you people?”

“I wish I had a straight answer for that. I really do. But all I can say is… we’re just… us. That’s all I know. This is me, OK? And I invited you here so you can know me. The real me, Emma. Not the messed-up guy in the tabloids. Not the drug addict or the alcoholic. Not the guy you thought I was when I left. And not the guy you think I am now.”

“So… this whole weekend was what? A lie?”

“It wasn’t a lie.”

“My family. I brought you to meet my family. Why did I do that?”

I sigh. Long and loud. “That was me. I swear.” I know it’s not a laughing matter and nothing about this moment has earned a laugh. But I laugh a little. “With you, I’m the real me.”

“Then who is this?” She pans her hand around the apartment. “What is this? It’s fucking weird, OK? The whole thing is weird. That security downstairs. Who rents a space like this?”

“I mean… that’s all public record and—”

“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it. What kind of family lives on four different floors of this creepy fucking building? Why am I standing in a lobby that’s supposed to be your apartment? And what kind of businesses need the security you offer?”

“Do you know what I do for a living?”

“You said you’re a consultant. For yacht people. Racing, or whatever.”

“Yeah.” I laugh. “That is pretty much my only job. But I don’t work much. I don’t need to work.”

“Neither do I,” Emma says. “So if you’re trying to impress me with your money, it’s not gonna fly.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” I say, feeling defensive. “I mean, Jesus Christ. We haven’t even had sex yet, Emma.”

“Yes, we did. Thirteen years ago.”

“That doesn’t count.”

“Since when?”

“Just… can you listen to me for a minute? We didn’t have sex yet because I didn’t want to.”

“Oh, that’s much better.”

“I mean, I didn’t want to make the same mistake I did before. I wanted to enjoy our weekend getting to know each other. And I feel like we had such a perfect day yesterday that I didn’t want to change it. Or take away from it. And when you offered to pick me up I decided… ‘OK. Let her in. Let her see the real me. What she’s getting into before we take this any further.’ And that way, if we did take it further, you’d understand me and wouldn’t feel blindsided when you…” I sigh. Throw my hands up in the air. “Saw all this.”

She looks around. At the hallway to the left of the bank. Of elevators. To the right, the other hallway. “What is it?”

“It’s a fucking office space, Emma. That’s it. Just an office space that pretty much looks like every other office space when you get off the elevator.”

“When did you move in here? How old were you?”

“Twenty,” I say. “I told you that. I didn’t grow up alone, if that’s what you’re asking.”

She glances up at the ceiling. Then drops her gaze to the floor. “You grew up down there. One floor below?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

She takes a deep breath and holds it for a moment. Thinking, maybe. “OK. Then show me that.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to see where you come from.”

“This is my home now. Why don’t you want to see this?”

“Because I don’t understand this yet. But if I can start at the beginning, maybe it’ll make sense after.”

“It doesn’t look the same, Emma. No one uses that floor anymore. Not since my uncle died.”

“You mean when your father went crazy.”

For a second I’m pissed. Because she doesn’t even know my father. But then that anger fades, because she’s not wrong. “I haven’t even been down there in more than a decade,” I say. “I don’t even know what’s down there.”

“Show me,” she says.

I can feel that this is a hard limit for her but I’m still reluctant. “Johnny’s the only one who goes down there.” I say that more for my benefit than hers.

Because even though I don’t really know what Johnny does with his time, I have an idea. And whatever is left of the family floor below this one, it’s probably been claimed by Johnny.

I don’t want to start there. I don’t want her to see that. Not yet. Not first.

“I want to see it, Jesse.”

“It’s not me,” I say. “This is me. See this.”

“That first. Why are you so resistant? It’s just a place. What are you afraid of finding? What are you afraid I’ll see?”

“I don’t know.” And it’s the truth. Mostly. But I have an idea of what could be down there. And I don’t want to find out for sure this way. Not with Emma next to me. Judging me.

“Take me,” she says. “If you like me, you should trust me.”

I laugh. “That’s funny. Because you sure have jumped to a lot of conclusions about me over the years.”

“Maybe that’s because you fed me a lot of lies, Jesse. Now’s your chance to show me the truth.”

“You know what? Fine. Fuck it. Let’s go.”

I turn towards the elevators and find Zach standing there. “Dude.” I laugh. “What the fuck. You snuck up on us.”

“What the fuck are you doing?” Zach asks, looking at Emma, then me.

“We’re going downstairs.”

“Yeah, I heard that part. Why?”

“Because I want to see it,” Emma says.

“Who gives a fuck what you want?” Zach says, glaring at her. Then he looks at me and shakes his head. “Don’t do it.”

“Why?” Emma asks.

He points at her. “Be quiet, Emma. This isn’t about you. This is about him.” And then he points to me.

There’s a long moment of silence as Zach and I lock eyes. “Do you know what’s down there?” I ask.

“No,” he says. “But I can guess. And so can you. And she can’t see that.”

“Why?” Emma demands.

Neither Zach, nor I, even look at Emma. We just continue to stare at each other. I shrug. “Maybe it’s time to know.”

He looks at Emma and says, “Go home, Emma.”

“No,” she says. “I’m not leaving unless Jesse kicks me out.” Then she turns to me and says, “If you tell me to leave, I will. But I’ll never come back.”

Up until this girl, in this moment, I wouldn’t have hesitated to say, Get the fuck out.

But I think about our day yesterday. Her home town, her family dive shop, her family. My standing invitation for Saturday night dinners. The trimaran, the sailing, the sandbar, the diving, the sunset, and the stars.

What a perfect day.

And I admit, I want more of that. I want her. I think only Emma Dumas, of all the possible women in this world, can handle this. Can handle me. Us. My family.

“Zach,” I say.

“No,” he interrupts. “Not like this, Jesse. We’ve let it go all these years. We sealed it all up and locked it away and now you want to open up that fucked-up crypt in front of this… stranger? We were gonna do it together. One day. We made a pact.”

“What the hell are you two talking about?” Emma says.

“Us,” Zach continues. “Baby Bostons, right? We get no truth. We get no explanation. Hell, I didn’t even get the damn trust fund. We made a pact.”

I look at Emma, helpless. She’s shaking her head. “If you don’t, I’ll leave. I’ll walk away. I won’t get involved in something… weird after just one weekend, without knowing. Without making that choice for myself.”

I look at Zach. He’s shaking his head too. “I can’t stop you, but I’m going on record that I don’t agree. You don’t know her. She could be setting you up.”

“Setting him up for what?” Emma asks.

“See,” Zach says, “if you had any clue what was happening right now, you wouldn’t have to ask that.”

She turns to me. “Make a choice. We’re talking in circles and I’m getting tired of it.”

“Do you even have the code?” Zach asks. “Because I sure the fuck don’t.”

“I don’t know,” I admit. “I have the old code. But I have no idea if it still works.”

“You don’t think Johnny changed it?”

“Only one way to find out, I guess.” I take Emma’s hand and start leading her down the north hallway.

She resists, planting her feet in place. “Where are you going?”

“To the entrance,” I say. “You can’t get to that floor from this elevator bank. It’s been bricked up. We have to go this way.”

She still hesitates when I tug on her hand. And I give her a minute to change her mind.

But then she relents and follows me down the hallway. Zach follows us, his footsteps echoing behind me, but he doesn’t make any more protests.

My heart begins to beat faster as we approach the end of the hallway. There’s nothing down here but one set of double doors.

They open up to another elevator hallway. This time just one. And it only goes down one floor.

I press the code to call the elevator and part of me hopes it won’t work. It’s an old code so there’s a high chance I’ll be saved from whatever revelations are awaiting me downstairs.

But did I really think Johnny would change it?

Never.

The doors open and the three of us walk inside, then turn around as they close. Zach presses the button on the panel marked with an X and we descend for exactly one second.

The elevator dings our arrival and the doors open.