“What do you get to bribe a four year old so you can get full-time access to her daddy’s privates?” I asked Ayako, who was walking into my office with our daily mid-afternoon caffeine fix.
She laughed as she passed me my coffee. “Wow, you’re all the way in on this one, huh? Doing the dirty to a preschooler to get at her dad. Damn, Camilo.”
I rolled my eyes as I blew on the piping cup of coffee. “Okay I admit it’s shameless, but I’m nervous and I really want her to like me! The time I met her she was wearing a ‘The Future is Female’ t-shirt and unicorn leggings, Ayako. This kid does not fuck around. I don’t want to lose access to Tom’s dick because I mess up with her.”
I was shrieking a little, but this was an emergency. Tom and I had been solid for over a month. After that first time at his house things had gone pretty smoothly. He had Libe a lot, but whenever he wasn’t with her, we’d been together.
When Libe was at Maxwell’s house for the weekend, I essentially moved into his house from the end of the day on Friday until I had to go over to my mom’s on Sunday. We’d had a couple of weekends like that so far, and they’d been amazing. Seriously like toe curling, “how is this even my life” incredible. We’d cook, go to the farmer’s market or go to Priya and Sanjay’s for a drink. But mostly it was just the two of us.
I’d never had a connection with anyone like the one I had with Tom. It wasn’t even the sex or the chemistry, which was pretty intense in its own right. Or how easy it was to be with him. What made it all feel so monumental was the reciprocity. I never felt like I wasn’t getting as much as I put in with Tom. It wasn’t even tit for tat or that I was keeping track. I just felt balanced. Like he wanted exactly what I gave, and I got as much as I needed. Attention, time, sex, space. Everything just right.
I felt Ayako tapping the side of my coffee mug with her sharp fingernails bringing me back from my Tom musings. When I turned, she was looking at me with concerned eyes.
“Whatever’s going on in your head, stop it. Things are going well with you guys. Why are you so worried about this?”
“That’s exactly why I’m nervous. Meeting his daughter means change. Our relationship is going to expand, and I’m not sure I want to give up the fairy-tale weekends yet. There is so much that could go wrong if we take things further than this.” I lowered my voice and looked at my open office door. “You know I’m walking a very thin line here.”
Ayako twisted her mouth to the side as if she was trying to figure out how to say something to interrupt my mental hand-wringing. “Camilo, look at me.”
I reluctantly met her gaze.
“So far, you’ve managed to keep the renovation project and the thing with Tom completely separate. I don’t see why that has to change, why are you inviting trouble?”
Because I was scared that taking things further with Tom would bring it all tumbling down. That if I kept things a bit more casual then I could hold on for longer. But I also wanted to feel like we were solid parts of each other’s lives, and the biggest thing in his was Libertad.
Meeting her also meant the next step was introducing Tom to my mom.
My mother, like Ayako always said, was sacred ground for me. None of the guys I’d dated had ever had patience for my taking off on Sundays to go see her, or that I would drop everything if she ever needed me. So far Tom had been nothing but understanding, but I didn’t know if he still would if my mom hit a rough spot and demanded all my attention.
“I’m just a little anxious. Things are moving so fast.”
Ayako was about to protest, but I held a hand up acknowledging that wasn’t completely accurate. “I shouldn’t say that. Because it’s not true. I want to meet Libe. I’m just worried. I mean, do I need to introduce him to my mom? Because she’s not in the best place right now. I’ve told him about it a little, but I don’t know how much I want to go down that road just yet.”
Ayako’s face softened finally understanding where my worry was coming from. “Camilo, you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to do. Go and meet Libe, bring her a My Little Pony plushie or a book or something. You’ll be fine. Hell, I’ve seen you talk down kids who were practically feral, you can handle a well-adjusted four year old.” She sighed then squeezed my shoulder. “As for Dinorah, take your time, babe. If she’s not at her best right now, you don’t need to rush it. If Tom asked you to meet Libe, and you’re okay with that, then meet the kid. That doesn’t mean you need to bring your mom into the picture.” I exhaled and she smiled, knowing she was probably wearing me down.
“Although I have a feeling her hearing about how well things are going with Tom would make her happy. Is she really that bad?”
I shook my head. “It’s not a crisis, but you know how it is. I can tell she’s starting to go into herself more and more. She doesn’t want to go out as much, she’s been going from work to home for months, and she’s been really inconsistent with her support group.” Ayako grimaced at that.
“Odette can barely get her to come over, and I’m not sure she’s been taking her meds regularly.” I ran my hand over my eyes, feeling the worry weighing down on me. “I don’t want to push her too much, but it scares me when she gets like this.” I sighed forcing myself to be more positive. “Thankfully she’s going to the Poconos with Odette this weekend and the plan is for her to go again for Thanksgiving. I have been keeping her up to date about Tom, but I also don’t want to get her hopes up too much. Because if things don’t work out, she’ll end up more devastated than me. I don’t need to give her more reasons for her anxiety to spiral.”
Ayako nodded in understanding. “You’re a good son, and you worry too much.” She gave me a rueful smile. “But I’m glad to hear she’s going on the annual Thanksgiving trip. That’ll be good for her. Speaking of which, I know it’s still a couple of weeks away but are we still on for Chinese and TV show binging?”
I nodded at that, grateful to go in a less stressful direction with the conversation. “Absolutely.” I held up my hand for a high five. “On-call buddies.” Ayako and I signed up to be on-call supervisors for the New Beginning hotline almost every Thanksgiving. We got paid extra, and since we didn’t really do big family celebrations it was nice to let the other supervisors who did have the weekend off.
“We’re good. You still staying at my place?” Astoria wasn’t super far, but when she was on call, she sometimes crashed at my place. Since I was only a couple of subway stops away from the shelter.
She nodded. “Yeah, I might go home Friday night though. My brother’s coming down from Boston on Saturday.”
“Okay, I think Tom won’t have Libe, so I can always stay at his place.”
“Niiiiice.” She waggled her eyebrows at me and we both laughed.
I sighed, feeling better about the meeting with Libe. “Thanks for talking me off the ledge, again,” I said rolling my eyes. “I’m going to go with your advice and get the kid a My Little Pony toy of some kind and hope for the best.”
“You can’t go wrong with MLP. Not that I’m worried, she’s going to love you.”
I hoped she was right.
* * *
Who knew a person could see animals dancing hip hop in the middle of Central Park?
I’d lived in New York City since I was thirteen years old, unaware this had been going on all along. And yet here I was, less than two months after meeting Tom, at the Central Park Zoo, looking at what seemed to be sea lions busting out moves for fish.
I was making my way through the crowds out on this sunny November day to meet Libertad and Tom. I’d been so nervous about meeting Libe, I’d texted Tom like ten times asking questions the night before. He thought my nervousness was adorable and was no help at all. His big piece of advice had been to be prepared to get a million questions, and to be bossed around the entire time. I could certainly handle a bossy four year old, but I was still dying from nerves.
The zoo was sort of tucked away in the park, covered by trees and canopies. Despite that, it was packed with people. I spotted Libe before I saw Tom. They were standing by one of the columns surrounding the sea lion pool. He had her perched on his shoulders so she could see the show. They were close enough to have a clear view, but not so close they’d block anyone else’s. I hurried towards them clutching the stuffed animal I’d gotten her in a small shopping bag.
When Tom saw me walking in their direction his face immediately lit up, and he pointed toward me to let Libe know I was there. I walked up, unsure on how to greet him, but he quickly put the question to rest when he pulled me in for a quick but very firm kiss on the lips. The entire situation was unnerving and felt so very grown-up.
Just as I was about to panic, not sure what to do with myself, my social worker training kicked in. I reminded myself that as far as difficult first meetings went, this one was nowhere near the scariest one I’d experienced. I could do this. I looked up to where Libe was perched on Tom’s shoulders, got the pony out of the bag, and showed it to her.
“I found this lost pony on the way here. I was hoping you could take her home with you, Libe.”
She squealed and reached out for it as Tom put her back on the ground.
“Pinkie Pie! I’ll take good care of her. I have lots of other ponies in my homes. She can come and live with me.” She took the pink toy and squeezed it tight.
She was so fucking cute. She had this mass of tight brown curls that sprung out of her head in a big fluffy halo. She was light skinned, but still had a little bit of a summer tan left. Today she was wearing a bright purple puffy coat, a pointy wool hat with lots of hearts on it and tights with multicolored stripes. Her boots were so stylish I almost asked where she got them.
“What do you say to Camilo, honey?”
She hugged the toy again. “Thank you, Camilo.” It sounded more like “Mamilo.”
“You know, Libe, I have a nickname just like you.”
“What is it?” she asked, as if I was withholding vital information from her. I smiled, and veered my eyes toward Tom who was completely focused on the conversation Libe and I were having. “It’s Milo. My friends all call me that. My mom too.”
Libe glanced up at Tom at the mention of my mother. “I don’t have a mom, but I have two dads.” She held up two gloved little fingers at me.
“I know. You’re a lucky girl to have such good daddies who love you so much.” She nodded and went back to doing things to the pony’s mane, then pulled what looked like a lemur out of her little backpack and was introducing them to each other.
I looked at Tom who was giving me an amused look and went back to my chat with Libe. “So, Libe, I was hoping you could help me today.” Her head immediately popped up from playing with the pony when she heard my request for assistance.
“Help with what?”
I sat down on the bench next to where we were standing and waved her over. She immediately climbed up without asking for help and sat next to me. “Well I’ve never been to the Central Park Zoo before. So I don’t know what I should see first. What’s your favorite animal here?” She immediately gave me a look that was all Tom, eyebrows scrunched, her finger under her chin, like she was working on a perfect answer. Before she said anything she turned to her dad, who was now on the bench next to me.
“Oh we can help you with that. We come to the zoo a lot. Right, Daddy?” Tom very solemnly dipped his head.
“Yes we do.”
I almost laughed at Tom’s extremely weary answer, but Libe went right back to giving me the rundown on the best of the zoo.
“My favorites are the penguins and the puffins and second favorites the goats and the donkeys because we can feed and pet them.”
She turned around and pointed towards an indoor exhibit. “The penguins are there. It’s a little smelly, but you just have to power through it.” I burst out laughing at that, and she stared at me like she had no idea what was so damn funny. Then she gave her dad a look that said, “This one may be too regular to get another invitation to the zoo.”
After a moment she climbed down from the bench, gave me her little hand and started tugging me in the direction of the penguins.
As we walked over to the exhibit, I glanced up and found Tom watching me with laughter in his eyes. I was holding Libe’s hand and in the other had the lemur, who she’d informed me was named Bobby.
“What?” I asked feeling self-conscious.
He shook his head. “Nothing, I’m just glad you’re here.” He bent down and kissed my head.
“I’m glad I’m here too.”
“Me too!” Libe piped in, not about to be left out of the conversation.
Libe had me in stitches as we moved around the exhibit. She was a riot, offering me some facts about the animals, and just being generally sassy and amazing. At the moment she had Bobby and Pinkie Pie shoved against the glass and was giving them a lesson on puffin eating habits.
Tom and I were standing there listening to her hilarious monologue when an older woman approached us and bent down to talk to Libe.
“Oh that’s so cute, are those your little friends? A horsey and a monkey.”
Libe’s head swiveled up to look at the lady and her stank face was so fucking epic I almost died. She held up her arms, showing the lady the stuffed animals. “This is a ring-tailed lemur and his name is Bobby.” Then she extended the arm with the pony. “And this is Pinkie Pie. She’s a magical pony. I don’t like monkeys.” With that she was done with the woman’s foolishness. When she turned around she gave Tom and I a look that said, “Can you believe I’m out here dealing with these basic bitches while I’m tryna talk to these damn puffins?” Then walked off to the next exhibit. The lady just stared after her as Tom tried to offer an apology without losing his shit.
This kid was my soul mate.
The day at the zoo was great. It was a pleasure to see Tom with Libertad. He was a fantastic father, engaged without being overprotective. He spoke to her like a human being and it was beautiful to watch. I knew I was half in love with him at the end of the day, when he picked her up as we were leaving the zoo and then grabbed my hand. Like it was the most natural thing in the world.
As we got close to the sea lion exhibit Libe lifted her head up, popping her thumb out of her mouth. “Daddy, we need a selfie!” I let go of Tom’s hand so I could cover the grin that broke out on my face. This kid did the most.
Tom shook his head as he tried very hard to keep a straight face. “Libertad, you don’t even have a phone. What are you going to do with a selfie?”
She cut her eyes at him like the tiny savage she was, and turned to me. “We always take selfies so my daddy can send them to my abue and my nana.” She said the last words like she knew Tom was playing with fire by not documenting every precious moment with Libe for the grandparents.
Tom straightened up then, barely holding it together from his kid’s antics. He seemed like he was going to say something when Libe spoke up again. “I want a photo with Milo and Pinkie. I want to put it on my smiles walls.”
I raised an eyebrow at that and Tom’s eyes widened, before launching into an explanation. “Because Libe has two bedrooms, in each one she has lots of photos of all her favorite things. So she can be with them every night.”
The looks Tom kept sending me were making my knees weak. For all I knew Libe had everyone under the sun on that smiles wall, but this all felt so fucking huge.
“I’d love to take a selfie,” I said, sounding completely breathless, but Libe immediately took charge of the situation. She got Tom’s phone out of his coat pocket and within seconds we were trying to find a spot for the photo. I moved closer to Tom as Libe put her little arm around my head. “Take the selfie, Daddy!”
We both laughed at her bossy tone and big grin. Tom held his arm out and we all looked up, smiling at the camera. After a few tries Tom brought the phone down and when he looked at it his face shone.
“Let me see it, Daddy,” Libe said, reaching for the phone.
“Libertad, paciencia por favor. What do you say?”
“Please,” she said grudgingly, her little hands twitching to grab the phone.
When Tom handed her the phone she turned so I could see it too, I could barely speak through the wave of emotion that crashed into me. “I like it.”
That was a picture I never imagined myself being a part of.
Tom glanced down at me like he knew exactly what was going through my head. When he spoke I heard the emotion in his voice too. “It’s great.” With that he grabbed my hand again and started making our way out of the zoo.