CHAPTER 15

They were going to Jane’s condo. She couldn’t remember how they’d gotten through the steps of deciding to take her home. She had a vague impression that before her crying fit, Daniel had seemed friendlier. Maybe she could still bring him back to the friendly stage. If she could stay with him a little longer, maybe …

Maybe what?

Maybe they could talk.

Maybe if they spent a few minutes alone in the same room talking about something normal they’d be able to get past this awkward place. But all Daniel seemed to care about was convincing her that Steve was a terrible excuse for a boyfriend and that the only women who were happy with him were the ones who liked to cut and run. Daniel seemed to think this was what Jane wanted. When she tried to shift the conversation back to him (and her) he wouldn’t talk at all.

He turned onto Jane’s street. Her condo tower loomed. She was running out of time. “Would you like to come up for a drink?”

Daniel wore this little the-joke’s-on-me smile as he said, with a touch of bitterness, “Maybe some other time.” (Never.)

She wanted to stay in the car and force Daniel to talk to her until she felt they’d reached an understanding and she could leave without feeling like she was taking his heart with her. Since she couldn’t explain why she was no longer interested in him, and he clearly was upset that she wouldn’t explain, it was unclear what understanding was possible. If only she could describe how, though Daniel gave every impression of wanting to boot her out the door, she felt less of an alien than she had the three years she’d lived with Seth and they’d called themselves ‘happy.’ But if she said that it would only further beg the question of why she didn’t want to be with him.

Strobes of streaky lights from two cop cars made the condo parking lot look like an eighties disco gone wrong. Jane wasn’t worried. The police often busted up parties. But the commotion kept Daniel from pulling into the parking lot. He stopped in the street, gripping the steering wheel like he was preparing to drag race down the main as soon as she got out of the Prius. The tower gate rolled open.

“Once, that gate opened for a St. Bernard,” Jane tried to joke. “Like it thought the dog was a car.”

“Huh.”

“You sure you don’t want to …”

“Yep.”

“Thanks for the ride.”

She paused to give him the chance for any last thoughts. He looked straight ahead.

“I’m really sorry about falling apart like that back at your mom’s house … I’d like to—”

“Have a nice night, Jane Dalton.”

It was the way he said her name that put Jane’s hand on the door handle and pulled the latch. It sounded unfamiliar on his tongue, the way people who’d just met tried new names on. If he thought of her as a stranger there was no point in staying in the car. Jane was going to cry again, and she didn’t want him to see. “I guess this is goodbye.”

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay away from Steve.”

She wanted to yell at him that she could care less about Steve. But the spasms in her throat made talking impossible. Jane had barely closed the passenger door before he zoomed away. She watched the taillights flare down the road, shrink, and disappear around the corner. She waited on the sidewalk to see if the Prius would return. It didn’t. The only car that passed was a Camry with airport rental stickers, probably tourists checking in late to a cheap hotel.

She told herself it was better that he’d cut her off. There was no negotiating with the facts. It was almost a relief to know she would never have to tell him about her family. She’d said goodbye, found as much closure as she could hope for. Now she only had to kill five hours before her train left. She sucked in her belly, thrust out her breasts, clenched her butt and, when she felt everything properly tensed and fortified, she turned and approached the caution tape barricade.

“I live here,” she told the first officer who tried to stop her.

“Name?”

“I’m the sublease for Colleen McNamara.”

“Unit?”

“5C.”

“We’ve been trying to reach you. Someone forced entry into your home this evening.”

Jane froze her face so the officer couldn’t see the effect of her words. She scanned the parking lot for a familiar silhouette. The shadows between strobe lights grew eyes that stared at her without blinking. Every car window became a lair in which intruders lurked. Her skin crawled with the scales of their gaze.

“Did you catch anyone?”

“Not yet. You’ll need to go up and confirm if anything’s been stolen.”

Jane backed away. “That’s okay. I’m sure it’s all there.”

“Miss, you need to come upstairs with me.”

“I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Miss!”

Jane sprinted out of the parking lot and down the sidewalk. Her brain scrambled for a plan. Should she surround herself with people, or look for an isolated place to hide? Her getaway bag was in the condo. She couldn’t leave town without it. But Seth was surely there watching for her. The tower would be a trap.

Jane caught her breath beside the door of the In-N-Out. There were only a few customers: a trucker and some teenagers pushing curfew. The street in both directions was desolate and still. If Jane could make it three blocks there was a Super Eight. She could come back to the condo in daylight. Or she could call Colleen and maybe …

A car swerved into the parking lot. Jane braced herself.

The car was a Prius. Daniel leaned over and opened the passenger door. Jane rolled her ankle on a water bottle as she collapsed into the seat. The Prius squealed out of the parking lot and sped towards the 405 onramp.

“What happened?” Daniel’s left hand gripped the top of the steering wheel as his right side opened toward her, alert and powerful and ready to act.

“Someone broke into my apartment.”

“So you ran from the police?”

“Were you spying on me the whole time?”

“In this part of town, I like to make sure a woman makes it inside.”

His hand rested on the plastic center console so close Jane could feel the heat of his skin. She wanted to touch him, to take his fingers in hers and thank him over and over.

“Why did you run?” he asked again.

Deep breath. “I think my husband is here.”

“How long have you known about this?”

It wasn’t the question she’d expected, but it immediately became the right one.

“I’ve felt someone watching me for a couple days. That’s why I decided to go out with Steve when you didn’t call because I didn’t want to be alone. And then today, my husband came to the hospital asking about me. I was planning to leave town, but I didn’t want to tell you because … I don’t know. It seemed simpler to just leave. There’s a ten o’clock train to Vancouver.” Jane glanced at Daniel out of the corner of her eye to see if the bullshit she’d just thrown together was convincing. His face betrayed nothing of his thoughts, but she felt the tension drain out of him little by little as the lies took hold and he chose to believe everything she had done over the past forty-eight hours had been about Seth, not about Daniel’s leg.

“Let’s go back. The police are there. I’ll be there. Nothing will happen. It will be better to settle this so you won’t have to leave.” Daniel was so absolute in his confidence, so willing to step ahead of her and lead, that she almost believed him.

He flipped on his turn signal.

“Don’t!” Jane grabbed the steering wheel and jerked the Prius out of the lane. “You can’t reason with him like that. He’s dangerous.”

“If he demonstrates he’s dangerous, the police will be on your side.”

“No, it—he was in the military. He’s got PTSD. He won’t accept anything the police tell him. Do you have any idea how ineffective restraining orders are?”

Daniel absorbed this without comment. He continued driving south, back to Rhea’s house.

Jane tried to stabilize her breathing as she watched a Buick in her mirror as it changed lanes at the same time the Prius changed lanes. Seth was in that car. She felt sure of it. Even when Daniel took the turn to Palos Verdes and the Buick sped past Jane couldn’t relax. Five years of living as though he’d never existed and now Seth had come. It didn’t seem possible.

Daniel passed Rhea’s driveway and turned down an access road with bushes so overgrown they scratched at the sides of the car. Here there were no streetlights, no sounds except the murmuring roll of the ocean and the haze of insects. It felt like they were about to drive off the cliff into oblivion. But then they rounded the bend and the bushes thinned into brush and they were on a ledge on the side of the cliff, the thrum of a bass beat and the dancing light of the bonfire on the beach below them, steps up to the house ahead and above. Daniel pushed a button in the ceiling console and a sliver of light appeared in what Jane had thought was solid cliff as a garage door began to grind open.

Rhea’s garage had space for four cars, a jet ski trailer, and racks of surfboards. Tools were everywhere, some neatly lined up on pegboards, others scattered on the floor. In the stall beside the Prius, the raised hood of a retro muscle car exposed a hole where its engine used to be. Daniel pulled in. Jane listened to the garage door roll shut.

Daniel came around and opened her door. “Can you walk?”

“Do you mind if I just sit here for a little while?” Jane pulled her door shut and locked it. Two layers of locked doors between her and outside was better. She was going to stay in the Prius forever. No one could stop her.

Tears began to slip out of her eyes. They came faster and faster until she was crying so loudly the sobs echoed off the garage walls. She cried for self-pity, for lack of sleep, for Daniel’s measured consideration as he sat near her door in a lawn chair. He looked worried. Whether he worried for her or about what he would do with her, she’d rather not guess.

She thought about calling Alma to see if Tommy had made contact. Maybe it was only Tommy and not Seth who had broken in. Maybe the distinction didn’t matter. She’d been found. If she stayed in the city, sooner or later they would catch her, and Seth would make her tell him about Leah.

Jane’s crying took her through several false endings in which she believed she’d pulled herself together only to have a fresh thought set her off again. When her tears subsided for the final time and she was a dried-out rubbery mess, she rolled down the window and Daniel handed her a prescription bottle and a glass of water.

“Swallow two of those, then I’m taking you up to bed. It’s late.”

Jane stared dumbly at the bottle. Ativan. Two of these and Jane would be unconscious in ten minutes flat. If she was unconscious, she wouldn’t see Seth coming. She could wake up in Nebraska instead of Canada.

“You’re safe here.” Daniel’s eyes locked on hers, slate grey, a little cold, but understanding. Those eyes said he knew panic in all its shape-shifting cracks and crannies. She could trust him.

Jane swallowed the pills.

Half a flight of stairs and then a landing and then another flight of stairs brought them from the garage up into the main floor of Rhea’s house with its odd mix of beach villa and handmade kitsch. Daniel had Jane walk in front of him, probably thinking she might collapse. His steps behind her were confident and even, a solid presence that half tempted her to play the damsel and let herself fall.

The windows rattled with reverberations from the music on the beach. Jane set her hand against a pane to steady herself and felt the pulse in her fingers. Two drunk guys banged through the kitchen screen and began a clumsy job of refilling a cooler. They spilled half a bag of ice. Jane jumped at the rattle of cubes scattering across the kitchen tile.

On the deck, bodies crowded the hot tub. Laughter filtered in through the screen door. Steve was out there somewhere, probably with some girl, his sunset drive with Jane long forgotten. Daniel took her arm and gently led her down the hall into his bedroom with its two empty beds and the surfboard turned wall decoration. There was that smell again: New York Daniel. The smell that would still be Daniel if not for her family.

If not for me.

He removed her shoes and her earrings. The pads of his fingers were soft and warm on the back of her neck as he tried to remove her necklace. Jane closed her eyes and tuned every one of her nerve endings to his touch. She hoped he’d somehow have more success removing it than she had, but he quickly gave up. He pulled back the sheets on the second double bed and waited for Jane to lie down.

She grabbed his arm. “Stay with me.”

“I’ll be here all night.” He pointed to the first bed, the one between Jane and the door.

“I’m sorry about this.”

“It’s fine.” The corner of his jaw tightened, “I just wish you’d told me earlier.”

He began to walk away. Jane rushed to find something that would keep him. Even the other bed was too far. Tonight couldn’t end with him going through all the right motions of a heroic rescuer but refusing to look her in the eye.

“I went back to Battery Park like we planned.”

He stopped.

Yes, it was a lie. But it was also what should have happened. She’d imagined it so many times: Daniel waiting, hoping she would come but not allowing himself to believe. And then Jane did come, and he kissed her for the first time and there was no doubt they were supposed to be together.

The way Daniel looked at Jane, it was clear he’d also nurtured a version of this fantasy. For eight years he’d wondered if that single afternoon had been powerful enough for her to return. Her lie gave him hope. It wasn’t quite fair to encourage him, but Jane couldn’t help herself.

He sat on the side of her bed. A bit of warmth returned to his expression. He was ready to talk. It would be a happy conversation. They’d both exercise their pretending skills to ignore the barriers that had risen between them. They’d talk through the rest of the night, like teenagers in love for the first time.

But Jane had forgotten the pills. She felt the swell of chemicals hitting her system and fought to keep her eyes open.

“You should sleep,” he said.

Jane pushed herself up in bed. “The marriage was a mistake. I—” She knew the words, but before she could gather them, they faded. She dropped down to the pillow. She couldn’t be sure Daniel heard her when she said, “I never loved him.”