[Upon the following letter slender comment will be needful. In what river Selemnus has Mr. Sawin bathed, that he has become so swiftly oblivious of his former loves? From an ardent and (as befits a soldier) confident wooer of that coy bride, the popular favor, we see him subside of a sudden into the (I trust not jilted) Cincinnatus, returning to his plough with a goodly sized branch of willow in his hand; figuratively returning, however, to a figurative plough, and from no profound affection for that honored implement of husbandry (for which, indeed, Mr. Sawin never displayed any decided predilection), but in order to be gracefully summoned therefrom to more congenial labors. It should seem that the character of the ancient Dictator had become part of the recognized stock of our modern political comedy, though, as our term of office extends to a quadrennial length, the parallel is not so minutely exact as could be desired. It is sufficiently so, however, for purposes of scenic representation. An humble cottage (if built of logs, the better) forms the Arcadian background of the stage. This rustic paradise is labelled Ashland, Jaalam, North Bend, Marshfield, Kinderhook, or Bâton Rouge, as occasion demands. Before the door stands a something with one handle (the other painted in proper perspective), which represents, in happy ideal vagueness, the plough. To this the defeated candidate rushes with delirious joy, welcomed as a father by appropriate groups of happy laborers, or from it the successful one is torn with difficulty, sustained alone by a noble sense of public duty. Only I have observed, that, if the scene be laid at Bâton Rouge or Ashland, the laborers are kept carefully in the backgrouud, and are heard to shout from behind the scenes in a singular tone resembling ululation, and accompanied by a sound not unlike vigorous clapping. This, however, may be artistically in keeping with the habits of the rustic population of those localities. The precise connection between agricultural pursuits and statesmanship I have not been able, after diligent inquiry, to discover. But, that my investigations may not be barren of all fruit, I will mention one curious statistical fact, which I consider thoroughly established, namely, that no real farmer ever attains practically beyond a seat in the General Court, however theoretically qualified for more exalted station.
It is probable that some other prospect has been opened to Mr. Sawin, and that he has not made this great sacrifice without some definite understanding in regard to a seat in the cabinet or a foreign mission. It may be supposed that we of Jaalam were not untouched by a feeling of villatic pride in beholding our townsman occupying so large a space in the public eye. And to me, deeply revolving the qualifications necessary to a candidate in these frugal times, those of Mr. S. seemed peculiarly adapted to a successful campaign. The loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, and four fingers reduced him so nearly to the condition of a vox et præterea nihil that I could think of nothing but the loss of his head by which his chance could have been bettered. But since he has chosen to balk our suffrages, we must content ourselves with what we can get, remembering lactucas non esse dandas, dum cardui sufficiant, — H.W.]
I spose you recollect thet I explained my gennle views
In the last billet thet I writ, ‘way down frum Veery Cruze,
Jest arter I’d a kin’ o’ ben spontanously sot up
To run unannermously fer the Preserdential cup;
O’ course it worn’t no wish o’ mine, ‘twuz ferflely distressin’,
But poppiler enthusiasm gut so almighty pressin’
Thet, though like sixty all along I fumed an’ fussed an’ sorrered,
There didn’t seem no ways to stop their bringin’ on me forrerd:
Fact is, they udged the matter so, I couldn’t help admittin’
The Father o’ his Country’s shoes no feet but mine ‘ould fit in, 10
Besides the savin’ o’ the soles fer ages to succeed,
Seein’ thet with one wannut foot, a pair’d be more ‘n I need;
An’, tell ye wut, them shoes’ll want a thund’rin sight o’ patchin’,
Ef this ere fashion is to last we’ve gut into o’ hatchin’
A pair o’ second Washintons fer every new election, —
Though, fer ez number one’s consarned, I don’t make no objection.
I wuz agoin’ on to say thet wen at fust I saw
The masses would stick to ‘t I wuz the Country’s father-’n-law,
(They would ha’ hed it Father, but I told ’em ’twouldn’t du,
Coz thet wuz sutthin’ of a sort they couldn’t split in tu, 20
An’ Washinton hed hed the thing laid fairly to his door,
Nor darsn’t say ‘tworn’t his’n, much ez sixty year afore,)
But ‘taint no matter ez to thet; wen I wuz nomernated,
‘Tworn’t natur but wut I should feel consid’able elated,
An’ wile the hooraw o’ the thing wuz kind o’ noo an’ fresh,
I thought our ticket would ha’ caird the country with a resh.
Sence I’ve come hum, though, an’ looked round, I think I seem to find
Strong argimunts ez thick ez fleas to make me change my mind;
It’s clear to any one whose brain aint fur gone in a phthisis,
Thet hail Columby’s happy land is goin’ thru a crisis, 30
An’ ’twouldn’t noways du to hev the people’s mind distracted
By bein’ all to once by sev’ral pop’lar names attackted;
’Twould save holl haycartloads o’ fuss an’ three four months o’ jaw,
Ef some illustrous paytriot should back out an’ withdraw;
So, ez I aint a crooked stick, jest like — like ole (I swow,
I dunno ez I know his name) — I’ll go back to my plough.
Wenever an Amerikin distinguished politishin
Begins to try et wut they call definin’ his posishin,
Wal, I, fer one, feel sure he ain’t gut nothin’ to define;
It’s so nine cases out o’ ten, but jest thet tenth is mine; 40
An’ ‘taint no more ‘n proper ‘n’ right in sech a sitooation
To hint the course you think’ll be the savin’ o’ the nation;
To funk right out o’ p’lit’cal strife aint thought to be the thing,
Without you deacon off the toon you want your folks should sing;
So I edvise the noomrous friends thet’s in one boat with me
To jest up killick, jam right down their hellum hard alee,
Haul the sheets taut, an’, layin’ out upon the Suthun tack,
Make fer the safest port they can, wich, I think, is Ole Zack.
Next thing you’ll want to know, I spose, wut argimunts I seem
To see thet makes me think this ere’ll be the strongest team; 50
Fust place, I’ve ben consid’ble round in bar-rooms an’ saloons
Agetherin’ public sentiment, ‘mongst Demmercrats and Coons,
An’ ‘taint ve’y offen thet I meet a chap but wut goes in
Fer Rough an’ Ready, fair an’ square, hufs, taller, horns, an’ skin;
I don’t deny but wut, fer one, ez fur ez I could see,
I didn’t like at fust the Pheladelphy nomernee:
I could ha’ pinted to a man thet wuz, I guess, a peg
Higher than him, — a soger, tu, an’ with a wooden leg;
But every day with more an’ more o’ Taylor zeal I’m burnin’,
Seein’ wich way the tide thet sets to office is aturnin’; 60
Wy, into Bellers’s we notched the votes down on three sticks, —
‘Twuz Birdofredum one, Cass aught an Taylor
twenty-six,
An’ bein’ the on’y canderdate thet wuz upon the ground,
They said ‘twuz no more ‘n right thet I should pay the drinks all round;
Ef I’d expected sech a trick, I wouldn’t ha’ cut my foot
By goin’ an’ votin’ fer myself like a consumed coot;
It didn’t make no deff’rence, though; I wish I may be cust,
Ef Bellers wuzn’t slim enough to say he wouldn’t trust!
Another pint thet influences the minds o’ sober jedges
Is thet the Gin’ral hezn’t gut tied hand an’ foot with pledges; 70
He hezn’t told ye wut he is, an’ so there aint no knowin’
But wut he may turn out to be the best there is agoin’;
This, at the on’y spot thet pinched, the shoe directly eases,
Coz every one is free to ‘xpect percisely wut he pleases:
I want free-trade; you don’t; the Gin’ral isn’t bound to neither; —
I vote my way; you, yourn; an’ both air sooted to a T there.
Ole Rough an’ Ready, tu, ‘s a Wig, but without bein’ ultry;
He’s like a holsome hayin’ day, thet’s warm, but isn’t sultry;
He’s jest wut I should call myself, a kin’ of scratch ez ‘tware,
Thet aint exacly all a wig nor wholly your own hair; 80
I ‘ve ben a Wig three weeks myself, jest o’ this mod’rate sort,
An’ don’t find them an’ Demmercrats so defferent ez I thought;
They both act pooty much alike, an’ push an’ scrouge an’ cus;
They’re like two pickpockets in league fer Uncle Samwells pus;
Each takes a side, an’ then they squeeze the ole man in between ’em,
Turn all his pockets wrong side out an’ quick ez lightnin’ clean ’em;
To nary one on ’em I’d trust a secon’-handed rail
No furder off ‘an I could sling a bullock by the tail.
Webster sot matters right in thet air Mashfiel’ speech o’ his’n;
‘Taylor,’ sez he, ‘aint nary ways the one thet I’d a chizzen, 90
Nor he aint fittin’ fer the place, an’ like ez not he aint
No more ‘n a tough ole bullethead, an’ no gret of a saint;
But then,’ sez he, ‘obsarve my pint, he’s jest ez good to vote fer
Ez though the greasin’ on him worn’t a thing to hire Choate fer;
Aint it ez easy done to drop a ballot in a box
Fer one ez ’tis fer t’other, fer the bull-dog ez the fox?’
It takes a mind like Dannel’s, fact, ez big ez all ou’ doors,
To find out thet it looks like rain arter it fairly pours;
I ‘gree with him, it aint so dreffle troublesome to vote
Fer Taylor arter all, — it’s jest to go an’ change your coat; 100
Wen he’s once greased, you’ll swaller him an’ never know on ‘t, scurce,
Unless he scratches, goin’ down, with them ‘ere Gin’ral’s spurs.
I’ve ben a votin’ Demmercrat, ez reg’lar as a clock,
But don’t find goin’ Taylor gives my narves no gret ‘f a shock;
Truth is, the cutest leadin’ Wigs, ever sence fust they found
Wich side the bread gut buttered on, hev kep’ a edgin’ round;
They kin’ o’ slipt the planks frum out th’ ole platform one by one
An’ made it gradooally noo, ‘fore folks khow’d wut wuz done,
Till, fur ‘z I know, there aint an inch thet I could lay my han’ on,
But I, or any Demmercrat, feels comf’table to stan’ on, 110
An’ ole Wig doctrines act’lly look, their occ’pants bein’ gone,
Lonesome ez steddies on a mash without no hayricks on.
I spose it’s time now I should give my thoughts upon the plan,
Thet chipped the shell at Buffalo, o’ settin’ up ole Van.
I used to vote fer Martin, but, I swan, I’m clean disgusted, —
He aint the man thet I can say is fittin’ to be trusted;
He aint half antislav’ry ‘nough, nor I aint sure, ez some be,
He’d go in fer abolishin’ the Deestrick o’ Columby;
An’, now I come to recollec’, it kin’ o’ makes me sick ‘z
A horse, to think o’ wut he wuz in eighteen thirty-six. 120
An’ then, another thing; — I guess, though mebby I am wrong,
This Buff’lo plaster aint agoin’ to dror almighty strong;
Some folks, I know, hev gut th’ idee thet No’thun dough’ll rise,
Though, ‘fore I see it riz an ‘baked, I wouldn’t trust my eyes;
‘Twill take more emptins, a long chalk, than this noo party’s gut,
To give sech heavy cakes ez them a start, I tell ye wut.
But even ef they caird the day, there wouldn’t be no endurin’
To stan’ upon a platform with sech critters ez Van Buren; —
An’ his son John, tu, I can’t think how thet ‘ere chap should dare
To speak ez he doos; wy, they say he used to cuss an’ swear! 130
I spose he never read the hymn thet tells how down the stairs
A feller with long legs wuz throwed thet wouldn’t say his prayers.
This brings me to another pint: the leaders o’ the party
Aint jest sech men ez I can act along with free an’ hearty;
They aint not quite respectable, an’ wen a feller’s morrils
Don’t toe the straightest kin’ o’ mark, wy, him an’ me jest quarrils.
I went to a free soil meetin’ once, an’ wut d’ye think I see?
A feller was aspoutin’ there thet act’lly come to me,
About two year ago last spring, ez nigh ez I can jedge,
An’ axed me ef I didn’t want to sign the Temprunce pledge! 140
He’s one o’ them that goes about an’ sez you hedn’t oughter
Drink nothin’, mornin’, noon, or night, stronger ‘an Taunton water.
There’s one rule I’ve ben guided by, in settlin’ how to vote, ollers, —
I take the side thet isn’t took by them consarned teetotallers.
Ez fer the niggers, I’ve ben South, an’ thet hez changed my min’;
A lazier, more ongrateful set you couldn’t nowers fin’,
You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a nigger,
Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod’rate figger;
So, ez there’s nothin’ in the world I’m fonder of ‘an gunnin’,
I closed a bargain finally to take a feller runnin’. 150
I shou’dered queen’s-arm an’ stumped out, an’ wen I come t’ th’ swamp,
‘Tworn’t very long afore I gut upon the nest o’ Pomp;
I come acrost a kin’ o’ hut, an’, playin’ round the door,
Some little woolly-headed cubs, ez many ‘z six or more.
At fust I thought o’ firin’, but think twice is safest ollers;
There aint, thinks I, not one on ’em but’s wuth his twenty dollars,
Or would be, ef I hed ’em back into a Christian land, —
How temptin’ all on ’em would look upon an auction-stand!
(Not but wut I hate Slavery, in th’ abstract, stem to starn, —
I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn.) 160
Soon ‘z they see me, they yelled an’ run, but Pomp wuz out ahoein’
A leetle patch o’ corn he hed, or else there aint no knowin’
He wouldn’t ha’ took a pop at me; but I hed gut the start,
An’ wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he’d broke his heart;
He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat’ral ez a pictur,
The imp’dunt, pis’nous hypocrite! wus ‘an a boy constrictur.
‘You can’t gum me, I tell ye now, an’ so you needn’t try,
I ‘xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up,’ sez I.
‘Don’t go to actin’ ugly now, or else I’ll let her strip,
You’d best draw kindly, seein’ ‘z how I’ve gut ye on the hip; 170
Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a disaster
To be benev’lently druv back to a contented master,
Ware you hed Christian priv’ledges you don’t seem quite aware on,
Or you’d ha’ never run away from bein’ well took care on;
Ez fer kin’ treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he said,
He’d give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, ‘live or dead;
Wite folks aint sot by half ez much; ‘member I run away,
Wen I wuz bound to Cap’n Jakes, to Mattysqumscot Bay;
Don’ know him, likely? Spose not; wal, the mean old codger went
An’ offered — wut reward, think? Wal, it worn’t no less ‘n
a cent.’ 180
Wal, I jest gut ’em into line, an’ druv ’em on afore me;
The pis’nous brutes, I’d no idee o’ the ill-will they bore me;
We walked till som’ers about noon, an’ then it grew so hot
I thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spot
Jest under a magnoly tree, an’ there right down I sot;
Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to chafe,
An’ laid it down ‘longside o’ me, supposin’ all wuz safe;
I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring,
An’ sot an’ kin’ o’ ciphered up how much the lot would bring;
But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart an’ min’ 190
(Mixed with some wiskey, now an’ then), Pomp he snaked up behin’,
An’ creepin’ grad’lly close tu, ez quiet ez a mink,
Jest grabbed my leg, an’ then pulled foot, quicker ‘an you could wink,
An’, come to look, they each on’ em hed gut behin’ a tree,
An’ Pomp poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could see,
An’ yelled to me to throw away my pistils an’ my gun,
Or else thet they’d cair off the leg, an’ fairly cut an’ run.
I vow I didn’t b’lieve there wuz a decent alligatur
Thet hed a heart so destitoot o’ common human natur;
However, ez there worn’t no help, I finally give in 200
An’ heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin.
Pomp gethered all the weapins up, an’ then he come an’ grinned,
He showed his ivory some, I guess, an’ sez, ‘You’re fairly pinned;
Jest buckle on your leg agin, an’ git right up an’ come,
‘T wun’t du fer fammerly men like me to be so long frum hum.’
At fust I put my foot right down an’ swore I wouldn’t budge.
‘Jest ez you choose,’ sez he, quite cool, ‘either be shot or trudge.’
So this black-hearted monster took an’ act’lly druv me back
Along the very feetmarks o’ my happy mornin’ track,
An’ kep’ me pris’ner ‘bout six months, an’ worked me, tu, like sin, 210
Till I hed gut his corn an’ his Carliny taters in;
He made me larn him readin’, tu (although the crittur saw
How much it hut my morril sense to act agin the law),
So’st he could read a Bible he’d gut; an’ axed ef I could pint
The North Star out; but there I put his nose some out o’ jint,
Fer I weeled roun’ about sou’west, an’, lookin’ up a bit,
Picked out a middlin’ shiny one an’ tole him thet wuz it.
Fin’lly he took me to the door, an’ givin’ me a kick,
Sez, ‘Ef you know wut’s best fer ye, be off, now, double-quick;
The winter-time’s a comin’ on, an’ though I gut ye cheap, 220
You’re so darned lazy, I don’t think you’re hardly woth your keep;
Besides, the childrin’s growin’ up, an’ you aint jest the model
I’d like to hev ’em immertate, an’ so you’d better toddle!’
Now is there anythin’ on airth’ll ever prove to me
Thet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein’ free?
D’ you think they’ll suck me in to jine the Buff’lo chaps, an’ them
Rank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur’l cus o’ Shem?
Not by a jugfull! sooner ‘n thet, I’d go thru fire an’ water;
Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet’nhus aint sotter; 229
No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones wuz cawin’, —
I guess we’re in a Christian land, —
Yourn,
BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN.
[Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust with some mutual satisfaction. I say patient, for I love not that kind which skims dippingly over the surface of the page, as swallows over a pool before rain. By such no pearls shall be gathered. But if no pearls there be (as, indeed the world is not without example of books wherefrom the longest-winded diver shall bring up no more than his proper handful of mud), yet let us hope that an oyster or two may reward adequate perseverance. If neither pearls nor oysters, yet is patience itself a gem worth diving deeply for.
It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by my own private lucubrations, and some may be fain to bring against me that old jest of him who preached all his hearers out of the meeting-house save only the sexton, who, remaining for yet a little space, from a sense of official duty, at last gave out also, and, presenting the keys, humbly requested our preacher to lock the doors, when he should have wholly relieved himself of his testimony. I confess to a satisfaction in the self act of preaching, nor do I esteem a discourse to be wholly thrown away even upon a sleeping or unintelligent auditory. I cannot easily believe that the Gospel of Saint John, which Jacques Cartier ordered to be read in the Latin tongue to the Canadian savages, upon his first meeting with them, fell altogether upon stony ground. For the earnestness of the preacher is a sermon appreciable by dullest intellects and most alien ears. In this wise did Episcopius convert many to his opinions, who yet understood not the language in which he discoursed. The chief thing is that the messenger believe that he has an authentic message to deliver. For counterfeit messengers that mode of treatment which Father John de Plano Carpini relates to have prevailed among the Tartars would seem effectual, and, perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I may lay claim to so much of the spirit of martyrdom as would have led me to go into banishment with those clergymen whom Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal drave out of his kingdom for refusing to shorten their pulpit eloquence. It is possible, that, I having been invited into my brother Biglow’s desk, I may have been too little scrupulous in using it for the venting of my own peculiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in the expectation and with the desire of hearing him.
I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of mental organization which impels me, like the railroad-engine with its train of cars, to run backward for a short distance in order to obtain a fairer start. I may compare myself to one fishing from the rocks when the sea runs high, who, misinterpreting the suction of the undertow for the biting of some larger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds that he has caught bottom, hauling in upon the end of his line a trail of various algæ, among which, nevertheless, the naturalist may haply find somewhat to repay the disappointment of the angler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavored to adapt myself to the impatient temper of the age, daily degenerating more and more from the high standard of our pristine New England. To the catalogue of lost arts I would mournfully add also that of listening to two-hour sermons. Surely we have been abridged into a race of pygmies. For, truly, in those of the old discourses yet subsisting to us in print, the endless spinal column of divisions and subdivisions can be likened to nothing so exactly as to the vertebræ of the saurians, whence the theorist may conjecture a race of Anakim proportionate to the withstanding of these other monsters. I say Anakim rather than Nephelim, because there seem reasons for supposing that the race of those whose heads (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in clouds (which that name imports) will never become extinct. The attempt to vanquish the innumerable heads of one of those aforementioned discourses may supply us with a plausible interpretation of the second labor of Hercules, and his successful experiment with fire affords us a useful precedent.
But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard, I cannot refuse to succumb to its influence. Looking out through my study-window, I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy in gathering his Baldwins, of which, to judge by the number of barrels lying about under the trees, his crop is more abundant than my own, — by which sight I am admonished to turn to those orchards of the mind wherein my labors may be more prospered, and apply myself diligently to the preparation of my next Sabbath’s discourse. — H.W.]