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I SEE MY DAD FIRST. He's pouring his morning coffee like he always does on Saturday, but he looks a little more lethargic than usual. He drinks it black, which I've never seen him do, and judging from the face he makes when he sips it, he isn't enjoying it that way. He sits down, smooths the pages of his morning newspaper, and stares at the words.
“Aren't you from the year 2017?” Jophiel asks. The Archangel accompanied me on this heartbreaking visit, but he was probably a bad choice. I have a crush on Jophiel, and he's definitely not seeing me at my best.
“Yeah. Why?”
“I'm just surprised to see him reading a newspaper. I thought everything went digital in this era.”
“No, you're right. But he always saw his dad reading the newspaper, so I think he wanted to keep the tradition alive.” I sink into the chair across from my dad. I don't think he's actually reading. His eyes are so vacant, he looks like a zombie. “Plus, my mom likes to clip the coupons.”
“There are digital coupons,” Jophiel haughtily notes. I don't know why, but it's really weird to hear an angel talking about digital coupons.
“I know. But my mom likes the paper ones too. She's the coupon queen.”
My eyes are drawn to a stack of cards on the table. They're sympathy cards. Apparently, a bunch of people my family barely knows are “sorry for their loss.”
It's really weird to think about being dead. Everyone I know will continue their lives without me. My parents will grow old without me. My friends will go to college without me. My little sister will grow up and get married without me. It's a strange and gut-wrenching thought.
All of a sudden, my dad starts sobbing. It's not even a little sob. It's huge and explosive and it makes my chest ache.
“This is the first time I've ever seen my dad cry...” I whisper to Jophiel, who's looking at artwork I painted in kindergarten. My mom really needs to take down that refrigerator art. It's ancient.
“You clearly meant a lot to him,” the Archangel replies.
“Yeah. He meant a lot to me too.” With a frown on my lips, I reach across the table to hold my dad's hand. I wonder if he can feel me, even a little bit? “Dad...” My voice cracks when I speak. I have a lot to say to him. I know he can't hear me, but I still want to say it. “Dad, I'm sorry I'm not around anymore. I miss you so much. I really wish we could've spent more time together. I was always at school and you were always at work, so... we didn't really see each other all that much.”
As my dad's tears flow over his cheeks, mine do too. I didn't even know I could cry anymore. Apparently, my tear ducts are still intact. “I remember being eight years old and going to Florida on a family trip. You put me on your back and carried me all over the beach. I asked you why it was called a piggyback ride, but you didn't have an answer. And then you ran into the ocean and we almost got knocked over by this really huge wave. I don't know why, but that memory sticks out in my mind. I think that was the moment I realized I'd never love any man more than I love you.”
I wipe my tears and turn to Jophiel. “Don't judge,” I sniffle when I speak. “I know it's silly to talk to them, but—”
“It's not silly,” he interrupts me. “It's not silly at all, sweetheart. Sometimes it's good to pour out your heart like that.”
I get up, kiss my dad on the head, and turn in the direction of the stairs. If my mom's not in the living room, I assume she's upstairs.
“That was quite a speech for your father,” Jophiel comments as he follows me up the stairs. “It's really a shame he couldn't hear it.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “Tell me about it.”
When we enter my mom's room, I'm surprised to find her sleeping. It's almost noon. My mom never slept until it was almost noon. For as long as I was alive, she was always an early riser. Mom was always the one dragging the rest of us out of bed in the morning.
“You look like your mum,” Jophiel observes.
“You think so?” I stand at her bedside, smiling down at her. Her wild brown hair has been tamed into a braid, and her face looks pale and puffy. “People always said we looked alike, but... I don't know. I always thought she was way prettier than me.”
“She looks lovely. But so do you.”
Jophiel's compliment makes my body tense up. Guys never complimented me. Literally never. It's really weird to get my first compliment from a guy as gorgeous as Jophiel.
“Give yourself some credit, Leigh,” Jophiel continues. “You're a very pretty girl.”
“Uh... you think so?”
“Yes. Of course.”
I feel a little intoxicated by his compliments. What do I say? What am I supposed to say right now? Do I tell him he's cute? Is he just trying to be nice? I have a million questions bouncing around in my mind, but they're all swept aside as soon as my mom opens her eyes.
I've always thought she had the most beautiful eyes in the world. It's my mom's eyes that make her prettier than me. They're so green, it's like they're not of this earth. Across the street, we've got a really annoying neighbor who spends way too much time tending to his lawn. My mom's eyes are as green as his over-groomed grass.
Meanwhile, my eyes are the color of mud.
“Mom...” She looks sad, so I sit beside her and rest my cheek on her arm. “Mom, I love you so much, and I'm really sorry I won't be around anymore. It breaks my heart. There was so much more cool stuff I wanted to do with you. So much. I miss watching movies with you. We used to do that all the time, you know. I'd give up anything for another day of movies with mom.”
I start crying again, of course, so I dab my eyes with the back of my hand.
“I wonder what you'd think of Taishi,” I muse. “You used to have a thing for Asian guys, so I'm guessing you'd like him. And well... if I'm being honest, he is pretty cute. But he's also a pain in the butt.”
Maybe I shouldn't be complimenting another guy in front of Jophiel? Oh well.
“Mommy...” I start sobbing when I call her that. I haven't called her Mommy in years. “Mom, I just want you to know you were the best mom in the whole, entire world. I wanted more time with you, but I guess I'm lucky to get those seventeen years, huh? Not a lot of people are lucky enough to get that much time with the best mom in the world, right?”
When I sit up and Jophiel hands me a tissue, I have to chuckle. I'm glad I can't see myself right now. I probably look like a hot mess.
“Anyway... I guess I'm taking off...” I say, sighing as I slide from Mom's bed. She's awake now, but she still hasn't moved. I don't think she could look more depressed if she tried. “I hope I'll get to see you again... someday.”
“You will see her again,” Jophiel promises me as we head to our next destination. “And you'll be able to speak to her again. At least you have the luxury of knowing that. Your family doesn't. Unlike you, they don't know what comes after death.”
“That's true... I guess.” I pause at my sister's door. I think this will be the hardest part. When I was alive, Abby was my world, and I was Abby's world. Not being there for her has been tearing me up inside. “Still, it's really hard to leave them all behind.”
“I know.” Jophiel's hand sympathetically squeezes my shoulder. When I look down at his fingers, I momentarily forget my sorrow. God, he's even got beautiful hands.
When we enter Abby's room, I'm not surprised to see her sitting on the floor with a pile of dolls. As soon as she was old enough to speak, Abby was my constant playmate. That's the good thing about having a sister who's seven years younger than you: it gives you an excuse to play with dolls, even when you're a high schooler.
“Oh, Abby!” I fling myself on the floor beside her and capture her in my arms. “I've missed you so much! I've missed you so, so much!”
Jophiel preemptively hands me another tissue. He already knows what's coming.
“I miss everything we used to do together.” As I speak, I press my lips against my sister's silky hair. “I miss talking about my actor crushes with you. Oh! I got to see Colton Crane! If you knew that, you would just die!”
Abby's in the middle of changing her doll's outfit. As she fusses with the doll's new dress, I hear her sniffling. I wonder if Abby's been crying too?
“You were the best friend in the whole world, Abby!” I whisper into my sister's ear. “You're the best friend I'll ever have. I'll try to watch over you as much as I can, okay? I love you so much!”
Once again, I'm drying my eyes with Jophiel's tissue. I wonder what he's thinking right now. He's probably tired of my tears.
“Is there some way to let her know I'm here?” I ask him.
“No, not really... not unless you want to scare her,” Jophiel replies. “If you make enough of a ruckus, they can sometimes hear you... but I wouldn't advise it. Most humans fear what they cannot see.”
“Yeah.” My arms slide away from my sister. Even though I was hugging her with all my might, she never felt it. “Yeah, you're probably right.”
“Are you ready to go?” Jophiel suddenly asks. “I hate to sound pushy, but I have a very busy schedule, so...”
He does sound pushy. This is the first time I've seen my family since I was crushed by the truck. I feel like he could be a little more sensitive.
“Yeah...” I rise from the ground with a defeated sigh. “Let's go. To be honest, Jophiel... I don't think visiting my family was a good idea. It made me feel worse.”
“Really?” Jophiel sounds surprised.
“Yeah. It made me realize how much I've been missing out on... and how much I'll always be missing out on.” As I follow him out of the house, I can barely drag my feet. I don't think I've ever been this depressed. “It's made me even sadder than I was before. When I was distracted by my mission with Taishi, I barely—”
Speak of the devil. When the front door opens, I see Taishi Nakamura sitting on the front porch.
“Taishi!” I cry. “How long have you been out here?”
“Ever since you arrived,” Taishi replies. He's staring straight ahead, not even bothering to glance in my direction.
“You should've come inside!” I exclaim. “If you wanted to, you could've met my family.”
Taishi stands up, but he's still not making eye contact. In a low voice, he replies, “But you didn't want me there.”
“What?” I gasp. “That is so not true! Amber said I had to choose between you and Jophiel. She said I could only have one escort, so...”
“I know.” Taishi acknowledges my statement with a solemn nod. “And you didn't choose me.”
Oh my god. Taishi is mad at me! I had no idea he wanted to be my escort. Now I feel awful. What can I possibly do to make this right?
“Taishi, I'm so—”
He cuts me off before I can finish my apology. “Let's just go,” he croaks. “We have a new mission, and I should probably warn you... it will be a difficult one.”