MCKENZIE STAYED AT the hospital that night.
Sawyer remained stable on life support but showed no sign of improvement. They were keeping her lightly sedated to decrease tissue oxygen demand and to make tolerating the ventilation easier, so the baby hadn’t regained consciousness.
Not that she necessarily would have anyway.
Sawyer’s parents had also stayed at the hospital all night. McKenzie liked the couple, watched them a bit enviously as they comforted each other at the depth of their daughter’s illness.
Had Ryder’s parents once sat in a hospital room watching over their ill daughter, knowing only a miracle would keep them from losing her? A miracle that hadn’t come.
No. No. No. She wasn’t going to think of him.
Nothing about the man made sense.
She just needed to stay away from him.
She was on her way out to the parking garage when her phone dinged. For one crazy moment she wondered if it was Ryder. If he’d had second thoughts and realized sex between them had changed everything.
You’re crazy, girl. Sex doesn’t change things for guys. Not outside romantic movies.
Besides, she didn’t want to be hurt again. Three strikes and you were out, right? Clay and Paul had already done their numbers on her heart. She wouldn’t give Ryder the chance.
Once inside her car, she pulled out her phone, expecting to see a message from the hospital or even Reva as they’d texted and called several times.
What she hadn’t expected was to see a text from Paul.
“I’ve missed you.”
Hello. McKenzie’s eyes widened at Paul’s admission. She took a sip of her wine because she didn’t know what to say.
What she couldn’t say was that she’d missed him.
Ryder on the other hand...nope, she wasn’t going there.
“I was hoping you’d say you’d missed me too,” he said, giving a nervous laugh. “Maybe just a little?”
McKenzie was saved by the waiter bringing their meals and her making a pretense of being starved as she dug into her sweet potato.
McKenzie wrapped her lips around her fork and eyed her ex. He truly was a handsome man. A good man.
But her heart didn’t do somersaults when she looked at him.
Not like... Ugh, there she went again.
“I made a mistake, McKenzie. I’m not sure what I was thinking breaking things off. I think I just hoped our being apart for a while would make you ready for us to begin the next phase of our lives.”
That got her attention.
“What next phase of our lives?”
“Marriage, kids, you know.”
“That’s a cop-out, Paul. We’d discussed marriage.”
“Always in the terms of way off in the future. I’d been trying to pin you down on wedding plans for months and you kept putting me off.”
She didn’t recall any major discussions about getting married, just vague ones about someday. She’d been good with someday as she’d not been ready to slow down on her workload.
“There was no rush,” she admitted.
“Don’t you think there should have been? That you should have been excited about being my wife?”
McKenzie opened her mouth to deny his claim. She had been...or had she?
She’d started dating Paul after her mother’s signing her up for that speed dating event. Had she fallen into their relationship for convenience? Continued seeing him because he was a good man—comfortable?
“You never let yourself fully get on board with our relationship, and I always felt it,” he continued. “I always wondered if it was that other guy, the one before me, but I can’t help but wonder if he didn’t run into the same wall I did. That you refuse to let yourself love.”
That was a joke. She loved. She’d loved Clay. She’d loved Paul. She’d loved Ryder. They’d all been the ones to leave.
She’d loved Ryder? That one had her pausing. She hadn’t loved Ryder. She’d...
Her gaze met Paul’s.
A whole lot of realizations swamped her. Realizations that she had cared deeply for Clay, for the man sitting across from her, but she hadn’t been in love with either.
But she had been in love.
Was in love.
With a man as emotionally inaccessible as...as she’d been to the man she was dining with.
And yet...
“I—I’m sorry, Paul.” She folded her napkin. “You’re a good man, but if tonight is about us getting back together, it’s not going to happen.”
Just being content, comfortable in a relationship, was overrated, and not something she’d ever settle for again.
McKenzie strolled through Pike Place Market, stopping at one vendor’s booth, then another, pausing to watch workers toss a purchased fish, then meandering over to her favorite coffee shop to buy a cup of pick-me-up.
Coffee soon finished, she stopped at a booth, bought a gorgeous bouquet.
It was only a few short blocks to her condo, but rather than go straight home, McKenzie headed down to the pier, traveling past a couple of cruise ships as she headed in the direction of the aquarium. She enjoyed each step, breathing in the seaside air, embracing the wind against her face.
She truly loved this city. Eventually, it was possible she’d move back to Nashville, but other than her family being so far away, her life was in Seattle.
McKenzie paused when she came to the pier, walked out onto the decking, and wondered if she’d see any seals.
Leaning against the railing, she watched a fishing boat in the distance, listened to seagulls calling, the sounds of the city behind her, sounds of the harbor before her.
Having the day off work was nice but meant zero chance of bumping into Ryder.
She closed her eyes, breathed in the sea air.
She planned to talk to him. To tell him everything in her heart.
Ryder was worth taking a chance that he’d tell her he didn’t want a relationship. Worth risking having her heart shattered down the line if he was willing to give them a chance.
Ryder was worth facing her fears, worth risking heartbreak, worth being dumped a third time.
McKenzie’s heartbeat sped up and she gripped her bouquet tighter as she stared out over the water.
Was Ryder at the hospital? Home? Somewhere else?
He didn’t live that far away. She could walk the few blocks but seeing him was too imperative to go on a wild goose chase.
Taking her phone from her pocket, she dialed his number.
When he answered, her heart soared.
“You’ve heard the good news?”
The good news was that he’d answered his phone. Hearing his voice set endorphins off that had her smiling despite how nervous she was to have called him.
“Sawyer’s white blood cell count is nine thousand.” Excitement filled his voice at the baby’s normal lab value. “I took her off the vent and she’s holding her own.”
“Oh, wow!” she said, getting distracted by what he’d said. “That is good news.” All her patients were special, but Sawyer was more so, probably because of the connection with Ryder. “You’re at the hospital?”
“I was until about an hour ago,” he told her. “I came home to grab a shower and something to eat. I’ll probably head back that way later this evening.”
He was home.
McKenzie began walking in the direction of his apartment.
“That’s great about Sawyer,” she said, clutching her flowers in one hand and her phone to her ear with the other. “I know the Littles must be ecstatic.”
“They are. Hopefully, if Sawyer continues to improve, she can go home in a few days.”
“I’ll swing by to check on her when I’m at the hospital tomorrow, and to say hi to the Littles.”
“Sounds good.” Silence then. “Is everything okay?”
“I’ve been at Pike Place,” she told him, not wanting him to end the call. Not when hearing his voice motivated her feet to move faster. “For once, there’s not a cloud in sight and the sunshine is absolutely gorgeous. I’d say, everything is wonderful.”
At least, she hoped it would soon be.
A little confused by McKenzie’s call, Ryder hung up his phone and put it on his bathroom counter.
She’d caught him just after he’d gotten out of the shower. He’d been standing there, towel-dried hair, towel around waist, talking to her as if they were old friends.
He blamed his excitement over Sawyer’s improvement.
But he could just as easily have blamed his excitement on hearing McKenzie’s voice.
Ryder finished drying off, went to his bedroom and pulled out a pair of sweats to go for a run.
Running cleared his head.
After talking with McKenzie, his head needed clearing. He missed her.
Despite his still damp hair, he pulled a T-shirt over his head, then grabbed socks and shoes.
Just as he was tying his tennis shoes, his door buzzer rang.
“It’s me, McKenzie.”
Ryder’s hands shook. McKenzie was outside his apartment building, wanting to be let inside.
“That’s not a good idea.”
“Ryder, I’m not going anywhere until we talk. Let me in.”
“By the hair on your chinny-chin-chin?” Because her threatening to huff and puff and blow away his best intentions wouldn’t surprise him. She had the power.
“There’s no hair on my chin,” she countered, sounding so indignant he grinned in spite of his inner turmoil.
“The code is seven, seven, six, seven.” Immediately, he regretted giving her access to get into the building.
They didn’t need to be in his apartment. Alone. He couldn’t be trusted to keep a straight mind.
Only when she knocked and he opened the door, meaning to go outside the apartment and suggest they go for a walk, she smiled so brilliantly at him he forgot everything, including how to breathe.
“Hello, Ryder,” she said as she stepped around him and into his living area. “Nice place.”
Closing his apartment door, he turned, blinked at where she was taking in his home. “What are you doing here?”
She gave a lopsided smile. “I’d think that obvious. I came to talk to you.”
“We just talked on the phone.” Noticing what she was holding, his forehead scrunched. “Nice flowers. Are they for me?”
She glanced down at the multicolored bouquet, then laughed. “That would be fitting under the circumstances. Here.”
She held them out toward him, but Ryder didn’t move to take them. “What circumstances? Why are you at my apartment, McKenzie?”
“You aren’t going to make this easy, are you?” She took a deep breath. “Ryder Andrews, I’m crazy about you, miss you like mad and am here to ask you an important question.”
She really had gone mad.
“Will you be my boyfriend this weekend? Only, this time, for real?”
Okay, so not what McKenzie had planned. At all. She’d thought she had everything straight on what she’d say, but then she’d seen him, and all she’d really wanted to do was throw her arms around him and tell him how much she’d missed him.
“McKenzie,” he began, looking torn. “You know how I feel.”
“Actually, I don’t know how you feel,” she interrupted, waving the flowers at him. “What I know is that because you got hurt in your relationship with Anna, you’re unwilling to have a real relationship with me.”
“Give me those,” he said, taking the flowers from her. “You’re making me uncomfortable.”
“Good.”
“Uncomfortable is good?”
He looked so confused McKenzie almost laughed.
“Absolutely.”
“You’ve lost me.”
But she hadn’t. She could see it in his gorgeous eyes, in the way that they followed her every move. She really did make him uncomfortable in the most wonderful way possible.
“Don’t you see, Ryder? If I made you comfortable, none of this would matter. You wouldn’t be torn about your feelings for me. The past wouldn’t matter in connection to me and you wouldn’t have felt the need to avoid me.” A light clicked. “That’s always why you’ve avoided me. Because I’m uncomfortable.”
The truth bubbled inside her. How could she not have realized?
“None of this comfortable/uncomfortable stuff matters, McKenzie. I’m not willing to have a relationship with you.”
“We already have a relationship. One that started when we met and got put on hold until I asked you to go away with me.”
“As your pretend boyfriend.”
“The only thing pretend about that weekend was what we were telling ourselves. Everyone saw the truth, but us.”
“What truth would that be?”
“That we’re meant for each other.”
Ryder closed his eyes and groaned. “You’re here to torment me, aren’t you?”
His words caused her a moment of doubt, but then she reminded herself that he was using what happened with Anna in an attempt to shut her out.
“Possibly. I had dinner with Paul last night. He wanted to get back together.”
Ryder’s expression darkened. “Then why are you here? With flowers?”
She moved closer to him. “I don’t want to get back together with Paul. Or Clay.”
The last time Ryder had bared his heart hadn’t ended well.
Because the woman he’d been baring his soul to had been in love with another man.
“This isn’t easy for me, either, you know?” McKenzie jabbed her finger against his chest. Would she keep doing so if she realized how each touch sent shockwaves of awareness through him?
“I’ve been dumped by every serious relationship I’ve ever been in,” she continued. “Someday, you may do the same, but I’ve realized that someday might not ever come and wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing if it didn’t?”
Meaning he might not ever dump her.
“I wouldn’t.”
She stared up into his eyes. “Deep down I believe that, Ryder. It’s why I’m here. Because, not so long ago, I thought three strikes and I was out, but in reality it’s third time is the charm.”
This should be easy. McKenzie was here, baring her soul to him. But old hurts cut deep.
“You can’t be sure this isn’t just a rebound reaction.”
McKenzie laughed and shook her head. “I’m not on the rebound from Paul.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I was never in love with Paul. You’re not the only one hiding behind walls. Part of me is terrified of being in a relationship with you because the stakes are high. I’ve seen what that can do to a person. I saw what it did to my mama when my daddy died.”
He captured her finger poking into his chest, held it close to his heart.
“I think it’s why I stayed in relationships that weren’t right for me,” she continued. “Because I knew that even though it would sting if they ended, which they did, it wouldn’t shatter my world.”
“Is that why you’re here? To start another relationship that isn’t right for you?”
She shook her head. “For the first time in my life, the right man is in my life. Only he isn’t in my life, and that’s why I’m here.”
How did he explain this to her? Make her understand all the things running through his mind, through his heart?
“I have been crazy about you from the moment we met,” he admitted. “Do you know how it feels to want someone so much and to know you’ll never have her? That’s how I felt about you right up until the day you asked me to be your pretend boyfriend.”
“I didn’t know. I thought you didn’t like me, that I’d done something to upset you.”
He snorted. “You weren’t supposed to know. I didn’t want you or anyone to know how I felt. And, the only thing you did to upset me was be in a serious relationship with Paul.”
“You never let on that you wanted me.”
“Nor would I have had he not made the mistake of breaking things off. I’d been there, done that and planned to never get involved with another woman who was on the rebound or seriously involved with someone. Not easy when it came to you, but I managed by keeping my distance. I didn’t want to like you.”
“But you did anyway.” She smiled as she said it, flattening her hand against his chest, covering his heart.
“Obviously.”
“Not from where I was standing. I couldn’t believe when you said you’d go with me to Tennessee.”
“I couldn’t stand the thought of you hiring an escort and possibly being taken advantage of.”
“Because you thought I was on the rebound?”
“Yes.”
“I am on the rebound.” She stared him straight in the eyes. “From a relationship with my pretend boyfriend who stole my real heart. It’s his for the taking. All he has to do is say yes.”
McKenzie waited to see how Ryder would respond. Did he want her heart? Want her?
What she’d seen in his eyes had made her think he did, but she needed to hear him say the words. Needed to know he wouldn’t push her away.
“I love you, McKenzie.”
Not yes, but she’d take those words, would take them and cherish them.
“Tell me again,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Tell me over and over.”
“I plan to.” He kissed her, long and hard and with a possession like she’d never felt. Because she’d never been loved the way Ryder loved her. She’d never let him go, knew without doubt he’d never let her go again.
“Every day for the rest of our lives, McKenzie, I’ll do more than tell you. I’ll show you.”
And he did.
If you enjoyed this story, check out these other great reads from Janice Lynn
The Nurse’s One Night to Forever
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Friend, Fling, Forever?
Heart Surgeon to Single Dad
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Keep reading an excerpt from The Nurse’s Secret by Sue MacKay.