(Or the Pedantic Pandemic of America)
BY ROBERT BAKER
Copyright © by Robert Baker. All rights reserved. Published with permission from the author. Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Robert Baker at rebakeriii@gmail.com.
(Or the Pedantic Pandemic of America)
Presented October 23, 2015 | Kenan Theatre, UNC Department of Dramatic Art | Directed by Talya Klein
Original cast members are in brackets.
JIM 20, male, African American. A world traveler and volunteer [Jerome Allen].
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. STEVENS 19, male, white. A high school friend of Jim’s [Byron Frazelle].
HILLARY CLINTON SHAFFINOWSKI-WILLIAMS 20, female. A barista [Claire Koenig].
Present. A college-town coffee shop.
On a local coffee shop, the Decent Human Bean. JIM, dressed in a dashiki and jeans, sits alone at a small table, waits. ENTER MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. STEVENS. Martin is wearing the same style dashiki as Jim, along with a scarf.
JIM Martin!
MARTIN Jim! Hey, what’s up man! Sorry I’m late!
JIM Hey, don’t worry about it, dude.
[The two embrace excitedly.]
MARTIN Nice shirt. Did you get yours at Suburban Outlier?
JIM It’s actually from Uganda.
MARTIN From the village you volunteered at, right? I bought this shirt to raise awareness about their civil war.
JIM [puzzled] Uh huh.
MARTIN I’m happy to see we’re both doing all we can to help.
JIM That’s why I wanted to meet with you, Martin. I was wondering if you’d be interested in helping me build a playground so inner-city kids have a safe place to play.
MARTIN That’s a great idea! I’d love to get involved in any way I can! I could post on Facebook that you’re looking for volunteers.
JIM I was hoping you’d want to help me build it.
MARTIN That’s what the post would be for.
[Beat. Jim drops it for now. He is still happy to see his friend.]
JIM I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other since freshman year.
MARTIN [correcting him] First-year year.
[Jim is confused by this term.]
MARTIN You meant to say first year. It’s more gender inclusive.
JIM Well, okay. That seems fair. First-year year. I’m sure you partied a lot. Did you rush?
MARTIN Oh, that stuff’s not really for me. I don’t buy into the whole “pay for your friends and become an alcoholic” kind of scene.
JIM That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?
MARTIN And I saw in a Huffington Post report that one chapter sang a racist chant. Fraternities are all pretty much the same. Might as well all change their names to Kappa Kappa Kappa.
[This is not the Martin Jim remembers.]
JIM I don’t know if it’s fair to generalize like that.
MARTIN I would never try to generalize. It’s always important to stay open-minded.
JIM [playful] That’s good, because I definitely disagree with you on frats.
MARTIN Well, that’s fine. But you’re wrong.
[This sets Jim back.]
MARTIN [momentarily contrite] Sorry if I came off kind of stern there. Just a little “healthy debating.”
[Martin begins to take off his scarf.]
MARTIN Man, it’s hot in here. Want to grab an iced coffee?
JIM You go ahead, I shouldn’t. I’m giving blood later today.
MARTIN [nonchalant] I recently tweeted that people should donate. Guess it worked.
JIM You want to come with me?
MARTIN Oh no, I can’t. I have to write my “Social Justice Warriors” blog by six. Tonight’s topic is “All White People Are Responsible for What Their Ancestors Did” hashtag, WhiteAintRight, hashtag, WhiteIsntInTheRainbowForAReason. [beat] The whites are a terrible people.
JIM You’re white.
MARTIN Oh, I’m aware, Jim. Trust me. I’m ashamed of it.
JIM You should be proud of who you are, man.
MARTIN There’s no such thing as a proud white man; that would be racist. It’s the whole reason I changed my name in the first place.
JIM You changed your name?
MARTIN [proudly] From Martin Bradley Stevens to Martin Luther King Jr. . . . . Stevens.
JIM [with disbelief] Legally?
MARTIN On Facebook.
JIM [momentarily stunned] Weren’t you going to get coffee?
MARTIN Right.
[Martin approaches the counter. HILLARY CLINTON SHAFFINOWSKI-WILLIAMS STEPS UP. She wears a traditional barista uniform with a hat and apron that covers the design on her shirt.]
HILLARY [cheerfully] Welcome to the Decent Human Bean! How may I help you?
[Martin stares at the chalkboard of menu items.]
MARTIN [reading as he speaks] Can I have a “Grounds for an Argument,” please? Iced.
HILLARY [teasing] Sure thing, hopefully I’ll have it to you in shorter time than it takes to get a woman in the Oval Office!
[Martin and Hillary laugh.]
HILLARY But no, that would take way too long in our society.
[Martin glances at Hillary’s nametag.]
MARTIN So, Hillary. Hillary. . . .
HILLARY Clinton.
[Jim perks up.]
MARTIN Huh?
HILLARY My name. It’s Hillary Clinton. . . . Shaffinowski-Williams.
JIM Hey, look at that! She changed her name like you, Martin!
HILLARY I would never change my name. This is what my birth parents named me.
JIM “Birth” parents? Are you adopted?
HILLARY No. But since they are the parents who gave birth to me, that is what I technically should refer to them as.
[Martin scoffs.]
MARTIN [sarcastic] Nice pants.
HILLARY [confused] Thank. . . . you?
MARTIN What are they, straight fit? GAY fit not good enough for you? Too progressive?
JIM [concerned] Martin, what the heck?
HILLARY Actually, these are the pants I’m required to wear.
[Hillary takes off her apron to reveal a shirt with the diagram of a uterus and ovaries printed on it.]
HILLARY But I wore this shirt in case anyone forgot what true power looks like.
MARTIN If you wanted to see true power, you would have come watch me tear down that racist “Macy’s Red Dot Sale” poster.
JIM Is that why you were late?
MARTIN I will not stand for this racial hatred!
JIM I thought your family was Catholic.
MARTIN I took a BuzzFeed quiz. Told me I was Hindu.
JIM [not amused] Martin. . . . please.
HILLARY Well, I wrote an Odyssey article with an open letter to my “future daughter” telling her she could play football or anything else she wanted.
JIM [earnestly] I saw a couple of those last week. Which one was yours?
HILLARY I also reassigned every bathroom in the mall to represent a different individual gender identification.
JIM There are like fifty bathrooms in this place; are there even that many gender identities?
HILLARY There are now!
MARTIN [yelling by the end of the sentence] Well back at school, I started a petition to end medication for Type Two diabetes because it’s just a form of fat shaming!
[Jim grabs Martin by the arm and begins to pull him aside.]
JIM Martin! What are you doing?
MARTIN What are you talking about?
JIM Why are you picking a fight with her?
MARTIN She keeps trying to throw all of her petty achievements in my face!
JIM You don’t think maybe she’s just responding in kind? How about you just be nice to her and stop trying to compete.
MARTIN [begrudgingly] Fine. I’ll be the bigger person.
[Martin pulls out his phone, making an exaggerated “check mark” with his finger.]
MARTIN [to himself] Being above her. That’s one Gandhi point for me! [back to Jim] Be the change you want to see, Jim. Be the change.
[Martin moves back over to Hillary before Jim has a chance to speak.]
MARTIN Hey, I think we got off on the wrong foot, I. . . .
HILLARY Forget it. Here’s your coffee.
MARTIN This is a pumpkin spice. I ordered an iced coffee.
HILLARY [baiting] What, you don’t like pumpkin spice?
MARTIN [defensively] No, I ordered a “Grounds for an Argument.”
HILLARY You’ve certainly got it! What’s wrong with liking pumpkin spice?
MARTIN For starters, there are too many calories, it’s too pricey, and I’m really not a fan of the taste.
HILLARY But I bet you love the taste of bacon, huh?
MARTIN [defensive] No, I’m not crazy about it. . . . maybe on a salad, but just for the flavor. The texture I can take or leave.
JIM You love bacon.
MARTIN Stay out of this, Jim.
HILLARY A man can love bacon, and it’s completely fine. But when a woman wants to express her love for pumpkin spice, it’s “annoying”!
MARTIN [beat] You’re absolutely right.
[Hillary is stunned. Jim, seeing this as an opportunity to recruit both Martin and Hillary, pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket.]
HILLARY So you agree.
MARTIN That any man who likes bacon is a misogynist? Yes. You’re right about that.
[Jim attempts to intervene.]
JIM If the two of you. . . .
HILLARY It’s just like any man who has a dog is actively working toward the exclusion of women.
MARTIN Don’t even get me started on that “man’s best friend” bullshit!
HILLARY I wish I could find the bigot who came up with that expression and smash his face through a glass ceiling!
[Jim unfolds the paper.]
JIM I have this. . . .
HILLARY [to Martin] I’m very impressed with your knowledge on women’s issues.
MARTIN You have to know your stuff to make the world a better place.
JIM [raising his voice] Well, if the two of you are interested in working together to make a difference, I have this volunteer sign-up sheet to help build a playground.
HILLARY I actually could use some help with the troubled kids in my neighborhood.
JIM How are they troubled? Poverty? Hunger?
HILLARY What? No, there’s this awful sign hanging up near the playground that reads: “SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY.”
MARTIN You’ve got to be kidding me!
HILLARY It’s extremely insensitive. The sign should clearly say. . . .
MARTIN and HILLARY [in unison] “CHILDREN WITH INTELLECTUAL DISABILITIES AT PLAY.”
[FOREIGNER’s “Waiting for a Girl Like You” begins to play as Martin and Hillary connect.]
HILLARY [smiling] Exactly.
MARTIN [to Hillary, flirtatiously] When you get off, you and I should head back towards your place and. . . . hack that sign down.
HILLARY [flirting in return] I like the sound of that. [excitedly] Now those kids can safely play in the street without being crushed by words!
JIM Or you could help build the playground. It would be a great gift to these kids.
HILLARY Political correctness is a gift, Jim.
MARTIN Thank you so much for this sign idea, Jim. This is all because of you!
JIM Oh, no. That’s okay. Please. Don’t mention me if you do this.
HILLARY Let’s go right now, Martin. Jim, will you lock up for me?
[Hillary tosses keys to Jim.]
MARTIN [before Jim can answer] We’ll see you at the playground, Jim. Don’t forget your bone saw!
JIM No, I don’t. . . .
[Martin and Hillary begin to exit the stage.]
HILLARY So what’s your view on that human-pumpkin, Trump?
[The LIGHTS begin to SLOWLY FADE.]
MARTIN Orange better not be the new Black.
[They LAUGH and EXIT, completely engaged with one another.]
[Jim is alone onstage. The line in the song “I’ve been waiting for a girl like you to come into my life” has been replaced with “I’ve been waiting for AN INDIVIDUAL OF UNIDENTIFIED GENDER to come into my life.” Jim buries his head in his hands.]
FADE TO BLACK
END OF PLAY