BY JIM BULLUCK
Copyright © by Jim Bulluck. All rights reserved. Published with permission from the author. Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Jim Bulluck at the jimbulluck@gmail.com.
Presented October 25, 2013 | Kenan Theatre, UNC Department of Dramatic Art | Directed by Joseph Megel
Original cast members are in brackets.
PATRICIA MARSEILLE 40s, female, upper middle class. A suburban housewife [Elisabeth Lewis Corley].
RONALDO MARSEILLE 40s, male. Patricia’s professor husband [John Paul Middlesworth].
DR. DAVID 40s, male. A family therapist [Greg Hohn].
Present. An upscale college town.
On a small therapist’s office. PATRICIA MARSEILLE ENTERS and takes a seat on one of the couches. A few moments later, RONALDO MARSEILLE ENTERS carrying a tray with two coffees.
PATRICIA You brought the coffee!
RONALDO [annoyed] Yes.
PATRICIA Well, I just figured you would forget.
RONALDO Why do you always assume I forget things?
[Ronaldo hands Patricia her coffee and sits across from her. She sips it.]
PATRICIA Is there milk in this?
RONALDO I made sure to get it with milk.
PATRICIA I can’t drink milk.
RONALDO What do you mean you can’t drink milk?
PATRICIA I’m a vegan, Ron.
RONALDO Well, I know that. I just thought you took your coffee. . . .
PATRICIA Do I need to sit you down for another food documentary?
RONALDO Oh, fuck off. You’re such a self-righteous little. . . .
[Dr. David ENTERS.]
DR. DAVID Hello, you must. . . .
PATRICIA [to Ronaldo] How is it that you forget seemingly everything about me?
RONALDO Because it’s all so incredibly fascinating?
DR. DAVID My name is Dr. David, but you can. . . .
PATRICIA [to Ronaldo] Well, maybe it’s not, but at least in my pathetic little existence I know how my husband takes his coffee.
DR. DAVID You must be the Marseilles. I’m Dr. David. It’s nice to meet the both of you.
PATRICIA Oh. Hello. We’re here for our four p.m. appointment. You’re late.
DR. DAVID Sorry about that.
PATRICIA I don’t want an excuse. Anyway, I’m Patricia and this is my husband. . . .
RONALDO Professor Ronaldo Marseille, but please call me Dr. Marseille.
DR. DAVID It seems like you’ve already gotten started. What seems to be the cause of this tension?
RONALDO Outside of your being late?
PATRICIA My husband here. . . .
RONALDO Oh, for Christ sake!
DR. DAVID Please let her finish, Ron.
RONALDO [correcting him] Dr. Marseille.
PATRICIA It seems Ron has the ability to recall exact quotes of dead men from four hundred years ago but not to care about my sacrifices for the animal kingdom.
DR. DAVID Ron, what do you have to say in response to that?
RONALDO It’s idiotic.
DR. DAVID And why is that?
RONALDO Well, first off it’s quotations, not quotes. Second, why is she upset about a bit of dairy when half her wardrobe consists of furs?
PATRICIA My husband is too dense to see I’m being ironic. Also, I deserve to look nice.
DR. DAVID Okay, okay. Let’s stop and take a second. Ron, I’d like you to discuss the problems you’ve been facing of late.
PATRICIA I still don’t think the vegan issue has been. . . .
RONALDO My largest predicament would probably be interacting with the repressed masses. My wife, for instance, won’t even engage in a philosophical discussion anymore.
PATRICIA And by that you mean I won’t sit around and let you masturbate to your own ego.
DR. DAVID Again, this isn’t the place to blame or attack.
RONALDO And you think it’s wrong to place blame?
PATRICIA Blame can be necessary.
DR. DAVID I don’t think it’s. . . .
RONALDO You see, morality is a rudimentary construction based on human perception. No one person should be allowed. . . .
PATRICIA For once, can you stop with your existentialist babble?
RONALDO Good God, Pat, if you are going to belittle, at least be precise in your name-calling. I am an ethical nihilist. My thoughts are not some contrived Sam Beckett bullshit.
PATRICIA You would give Narcissus a run for his money.
RONALDO And you’d give that slut Aphrodite one as well.
DR. DAVID Alright.
[Dr. David RISES and walks over to his desk. He opens a drawer and pulls out a SHINY CALL BELL.]
DR. DAVID We are going to practice a lesson in civility. I am going to place this bell on the table. Anytime someone begins to blame or attack, the other will ring the bell. Once the bell is rung, the person speaking must immediately stop or choose to rephrase what they are saying. Is that kosher with both of you?
PATRICIA That’s fine by me.
RONALDO Do you think we’re Jewish?
DR. DAVID It’s just an expression.
RONALDO My name is Dr. Marseille. What kind of idiot would. . . .
[DING. Dr. David hits the bell.]
DR. DAVID Thank you, Ron. You provided a perfect example of how the bell will work. Let’s get back to the previous topic. Are there any other issues you’d like to address?
RONALDO In addition to the meaninglessness of the universe and the subjugation of human thought?
DR. DAVID Yes, let’s say in addition to those.
RONALDO In the University’s grand wisdom, they’ve replaced the coffee machine with some sort of tea station. If my wife would replace the espresso machine she broke. . . .
PATRICIA Well, you have my permission to buy one at any time.
RONALDO Why should I be the one to participate in such activities? After all, it was your. . . .
[DING. Patricia hits the bell.]
RONALDO It’s true though, I work far too hard. . . .
[DING. Patricia hits the bell.]
RONALDO All I was saying is that it would be nice if someone beside myself would help out around the. . . .
[DING. Patricia hits the bell.]
DR. DAVID Ron, what I feel like you are trying to say is that marriage is a partnership. You believe you both have specific roles to fill, is that correct?
RONALDO Well, if you want to make me sound like a wanker.
[DING. Dr. David hits the bell.]
RONALDO Yes, that is what I mean.
DR. DAVID Well, good. I’m glad we understand each other. Now, Patricia, what’s your response to what Ron just said?
PATRICIA I think it’s ridiculous.
[DING. Ronaldo rings the bell.]
PATRICIA What gives him the right to subjugate me like that? If anything, he should be the homemaker. My salary is far larger. . . .
[DING. Ronaldo rings the bell.]
PATRICIA Oh please, stop hitting the bell, you chauvinist.
[DING. Ronaldo rings the bell.]
RONALDO This bell bullshit is pretty amusing.
DR. DAVID Ron, please. Patricia, could you express yourself without blaming or attacking your husband?
PATRICIA Considering my job is to defend the persecuted, I believe I do a lot.
RONALDO Getting Wall Street bankers off is. . . .
PATRICIA This in addition to the number of charitable organizations I participate in.
RONALDO You sitting around drinking in the name of the less fortunate is hardly a sacrifice worth fucking bragging. . . .
[DING. Patricia hits the bell.]
PATRICIA As opposed to moping about how. . . .
[DING. Ronaldo hits the bell.]
PATRICIA You know I find profanity very offensive. For once could you speak with a clean. . . . ?
RONALDO They are just words, God damn it!
[DING. Patricia hits the bell.]
RONALDO Shit
[DING]. Bitch [DING]. . . .
DR. DAVID That’s enough.
RONALDO Pussy [DING]. Cum [DING]. Asshole [DING]. Fuck [DING]. Cunt [DING].
DR. DAVID I said that is enough! [beat] Okay, how about we discuss something that you both have some common ground with. Do you have children?
RONALDO Ugh.
DR. DAVID Is there a problem?
RONALDO Have they ever been anything but?
PATRICIA Talk about sunk costs.
[The couple break into LAUGHTER.]
RONALDO “Take me here. I need a ride to that.” They’re monsters. Disgusting little monsters.
PATRICIA It’s so creepy seeing these putrid miniature versions of yourself running around. Matilda got in quite the hissy fit when I said I was busy during her class recital.
RONALDO Who has the time to sit through two hours of clunky choreography anyway?
PATRICIA It’s just plain selfish of her if you think about it.
RONALDO It’s like they don’t realize how good our lives would be without them.
PATRICIA We gave up our best years. What a waste. Also Sebastian has been spending far too much time alone with that Clements boy.
RONALDO I hope we don’t have to raise some fagg. . . .
[DING. DING. DING. Dr. David hits the bell.]
DR. DAVID Okay, we are now going to include attacking or blaming anyone in regards to the bell ringing.
RONALDO That seems idiotic.
[DING. Dr. David hits the bell.]
PATRICIA So, are we not allowed to discuss our children anymore?
DR. DAVID No, please do, just make sure to not attack or belittle them while you are doing it.
RONALDO I don’t see much point in that. [long beat] Fuck, what are we allowed to talk about?
DR. DAVID Anything you would like, as long as it doesn’t cause the bell to be rung. Can we agree to that?
RONALDO Fine.
PATRICIA All right.
RONALDO We could discuss. . . . no.
PATRICIA What about our terrible neighbor Geor. . . . Sorry.
DR. DAVID That’s all right. We can sit here until we a find a productive topic to discuss.
[Silence.]
PATRICIA [to Ronaldo] How is your friend, um, Mark doing?
RONALDO Max?
PATRICIA Yes, him.
RONALDO The cancer is back.
PATRICIA Oh.
[Silence.]
RONALDO All right, I’m tired of this.
DR. DAVID Well. . . .
PATRICIA As am I. I don’t think it’s effective.
RONALDO [re: Dr. David] I wonder where he got his credentials?
PATRICIA I’d put my money on a state school.
DR. DAVID Please, let us focus on the matters at hand.
RONALDO This is a matter I’d like to focus on.
PATRICIA I agree. [to Dr. David] Where did you go to school?
DR. DAVID I don’t think that’s relevant.
PATRICIA Definitely a state school. Probably not even a good one like Berkeley.
RONALDO You know, he reminds me of that awful babysitter.
PATRICIA Oh, Trish? She was the worst. . . . stealing my earrings and then continually lying about it.
RONALDO God, you really gave it to her when you found out.
PATRICIA So melodramatic with the crying.
RONALDO You were so tantalizing as you stood over her, letting her know who was in charge.
PATRICIA Don’t give me all the credit. You were quite suave yourself when you told her that we would not be giving her a ride home.
[The couple share a LAUGH.]
RONALDO Didn’t you find those a few weeks ago?
PATRICIA What?
RONALDO The earrings.
PATRICIA Come to think of it, I did.
[DING. Dr. David rings the bell.]
DR. DAVID Let’s get back on track.
RONALDO [To Patricia] Can you believe all this bell shit he keeps doing?
PATRICIA I know! It’s so obnoxious. Is this place a therapist’s office or a diner?
DR. DAVID That’s enough. We’re here to focus on your issues.
RONALDO What if our issues are about you?
[Patricia LAUGHS.]
DR. DAVID The session is nearly halfway over. You both stand to benefit. . . .
[DING. Ronaldo hits the bell.]
DR. DAVID Please don’t ring the bell out of turn. It violates. . . .
[DING. Patricia hits the bell.]
DR. DAVID You can play jokes all you want, but you both need serious counseling.
[DING. Patricia and Ronaldo both ring the bell. They RISE as they speak.]
RONALDO David. Please don’t attack or blame.
PATRICIA Could you rephrase what you were saying?
DR. DAVID Sit down.
[The couple disobeys. Dr. David suddenly picks up the bell and THROWS IT across the room.]
DR. DAVID I said sit down!
[They sit.]
DR. DAVID Ron! [beat] I want you to take a moment for self-examination. You present yourself as an intellectual, but you’re not smart enough to be accepted as one. Have you ever considered who could love you? Truly love you? Love such a sad, pathetic man?
PATRICIA This is quite unprof. . . .
DR. DAVID And you. Patricia Marseille. A woman who defends the rich and takes from the poor. You claim to support animal rights, yet you have no real interest in them. You’re smarter than your pedantic husband, which makes it all the more depressing because you have some awareness of how repugnant a person you actually are.
RONALDO You have no right to speak to my wife. . . .
DR. DAVID Ron. Pat. I want you to take a second and look at one another. You are miscreations, seemingly unlovable. Neither of you have any redeeming qualities worth noting. Yet! In the great comedy that is the universe, you found each other. You found someone just as horrendous, just as treacherous as yourself. While you may be ugly people both inside and out, think of how beautiful it is you happened upon each other. Take a second and think about that.
[Silence as they do.]
DR. DAVID Now, Ron?
RONALDO Yes?
DR. DAVID I want you to take Pat in your arms.
[He does. . . . carefully.]
DR. DAVID And Pat?
PATRICIA Yes?
DR. DAVID I want you to look at your husband and tell him you love him.
PATRICIA [beat] I love you.
DR. DAVID Now what do you say, Ron?
RONALDO [beat] I love you, too.
DR. DAVID Good. [long beat] Now, get the fuck out of my office!
BLACKOUT
END OF PLAY