BY RACHEL SCHMITT
Copyright © by Rachel Schmitt. All rights reserved. Published with permission from the author. Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Rachel Schmitt at rmschmitt13@gmail.com.
Presented October 23, 2015 | Kenan Theatre, UNC Department of Dramatic Art | Directed by Dana Coen
Original cast members are in brackets.
NARRATOR 20, female. She stands at the back of the party and eats all the guacamole. Insightful and sassy [Kat Froehlich].
EMMA 20, female. She’s intelligent, makes fun of people who spend all their time on their phones, even though she does it as well [Claire Koenig].
WES 21, male. A stereotypical rom-com hot trope with a secret sensitive side, very aware of his good looks; over all a pretty decent guy [Byron Frazelle].
AMY 21, female. She’s incredibly driven, tech savvy, very sure of herself, shallow [Mackenzie Kwok].
JEREMY 20, male. He’s a jerk, but to be honest that’s kind of his charm; pretty clueless when it comes to reading other people’s feelings [Jerome Allen].
FRAT BRO 19, male. Drunk and passed out [James Scalise].
Present. The front porch at a college house party.
On the front porch of a house. DANCE MUSIC can be heard from inside. The NARRATOR stands off next to a table on top of which is a large bowl of guacamole. She holds an open bag of chips. A FRAT BRO is PASSED OUT underneath the table. Downstage, EMMA and WES sit on opposite sides of a ratty couch, completely absorbed with their PHONES.
NARRATOR [to the audience] It’s a Saturday night, and here we are with fifty-six of our closest friends at the house party of that girl your roommate’s friend knows from his poli class. There’s a weird smell wafting from the bathroom and, like, no furniture in the entire house. . . . unless you count a ratty couch, covered in PJ stains of parties past and pet throw-up from that one time the house cat got sick and no one bothered to clean it up for a week because it was midterms. . . . but mostly because college students are disgusting.
[She DIPS A CHIP in the guacamole and takes a crunchy bite.]
NARRATOR [to the audience, re: Emma] This is Emma, intelligent, driven, and the proud owner of a semi-popular Tumblr blog. That’s Wes, who looks like he walked straight out of a J.Crew® catalog. He’s sensitive and kind of self-righteous, but not in a way that keeps you from thinking he’s hot.
[Emma TAKES PHOTOS of herself with her phone. Wes LAUGHS at something the audience can’t see on his screen.]
NARRATOR [to the audience] Emma is busy trying to get the right ugly-to-cute ratio for her Snapchat pictures. Wes is laughing at a YouTube video. It’s probably about cats. You’d think after sitting out here for forty-five minutes together they’d have struck up a conversation, but that would require some social intelligence, so instead they’re just going to pretend like they don’t see each other.
[A PHONE RINGS. Emma and Wes both check to see if it belongs to them. Wes RISES to answer it. Emma returns to her phone. Throughout Wes’s conversation, Emma periodically reacts to unseen texts.]
WES Amy? Amy? Can you. . . . can you hear me? Where are you? I looked everywhere. [beat] I’m out on the porch. [beat] It was too hot inside, and it’s a lot more chill out here. I mean, there’s a guy passed out, but I’m like eighty-seven percent sure he’s not dead. . . . Left? Of course I haven’t left. I’m seriously out on the porch right now. [becoming increasingly frustrated] Damn it, Amy! I’m still at the party! [beat] Wait. . . . what did you just call me? Amy? Amy, are you even listening?
[AMY ENTERS, checks her phone.]
NARRATOR This is Amy, Wes’s girlfriend. She’s social media obsessed, always has a perfect profile pic, and probably knows what quinoa is.
AMY [noticing Wes] Baby! There you are! You are not even going to guess what I just saw! I was walking down the hall and talking to you on the phone, remember that? So anyways. . . .
WES I’m confused.
AMY How can you be confused? I literally just started the story. I’ll start over. So I was walking down the hall. . . .
WES No, Amy. I’m not confused about your story. Weren’t we just in the middle of a fight?
[Amy looks at him, puzzled.]
WES You thought I’d left? You called me names I haven’t heard since fourth grade that may or may not still have the ability to hurt my feelings? Is any of this ringing a bell?
AMY I’ve moved on. I’m trying to tell you a hysterical story, so are you going to listen or not? [not waiting for a reply] So anyway, I was on the phone with you and walking down the hall and then I saw Lizzie Larabee. You know, the transfer from Texas? [beat] Anyway, she’s drunk out of her mind.
[Amy searches her phone for a video, finds it, then hands the phone to Wes.]
AMY Wait, see. . . . she’s about to jump on the table.
WES That’s an interesting move she’s doing there.
NARRATOR [to the audience] An interpretive dance to R. Kelly’s “Ignition.”
AMY Oh my God, this is amazing. She’s so going to regret this in the morning. [taking the phone back from him] What’s a good hashtag to put with this?
WES You’re not actually going to post this, right? That could get her in serious trouble. Her parents could see it, or potential employers. She could lose her scholarship.
AMY God, thank you, Hermione Granger from Harry Potter books one through five. I’m not an idiot. I’m posting it to Twitter, not Facebook. Everyone knows old people don’t go on Twitter unless they’re a business owner trying to “get down” with the youth.
[A TEXT TONE is heard. Amy, Wes, and Emma all check their phones. It’s for Amy.]
AMY I’ve gotta go. Mikayla’s ex has been sub-tweeting her all night, so I need to be with her.
[Amy RUNS OFF. Wes sits back on the couch and returns to his phone. Emma and Wes gaze at their phones in silence. After a moment, Emma looks up at Wes for the first time. At the moment she chooses to speak, JEREMY ENTERS from stage left.]
NARRATOR [to the audience] Enter Jeremy, Emma’s on-again, off-again boyfriend. He’s a bit of a jerk, but the part of me who roots for Kanye West and post-Esquire-interview Miles Teller is kind of into it.
[Jeremy sits between Emma and Wes on the couch.]
JEREMY Hey, boo.
EMMA Jeremy, where have you even been all night? I’ve been bored out of my mind, and a girl can only pretend to text for so long.
JEREMY Sorry, I’ve been out socializing with the locals.
EMMA I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something. . . .
JEREMY Wait. Before we get into this, we’re together now, right?
EMMA I’m going to choose to believe that you’re asking this as a joke.
JEREMY Just wanted to make sure everything was cool since I accidentally matched with your friend on Tinder.
EMMA Jeremy, I need you to take our relationship more. . . . wait, you did what?
JEREMY In my defense, I didn’t realize you had hot friends.
EMMA Can you pay attention for one minute? You know how I’ve been applying for internships, and how I told you the other day that I got an interview with a firm up in New York City?
JEREMY [unaware] Yes. . . .
EMMA Anyway, they offered me the job.
[Emma pauses, waiting for a reply, but Jeremy is too busy taking a selfie of them.]
EMMA Are you even listening to me?
NARRATOR [to the audience] He is not.
EMMA I honestly can’t even believe you right now. I’m trying to have a serious conversation because I’m trying to decide whether I should travel to a big city I’ve never been to for a barely paid internship, or stay at home and earn some savings, but you’re too busy being a total. . . . [noticing the photo] wait, we actually look pretty cute in that pic. [then shifting back] No! No! I’m mad at you! [recovering her composure] I really need some advice. What do you think I should do?
NARRATOR [to the audience] Wait for it. . . .
JEREMY [not looking up from his phone] About what?
[Upset, Emma groans, RISES, and STORMS OFFSTAGE.]
[A TEXT TONE CHIMES. Both Wes and Jeremy check their phones. It’s for Jeremy.]
JEREMY Solid. Another match. [to Wes] You got Tinder, man?
WES I’ve got a girlfriend.
JEREMY Yeah well, so do I, but who am I to deny the ladies the chance to check all this out.
[Jeremy continues to play with his phone. He leans over to show Wes his phone screen.]
JEREMY Swipe right, or nah?
[Before Wes can respond. . . . ]
AMY [calling from offstage] Baby!
WES Crap! [to Jeremy] Pretend I wasn’t here.
[Wes heads for the door, BUMPING INTO EMMA as she ENTERS. They look at each other with interest, but soon awkwardly turn away. Amy ENTERS, searching for Wes, shrugs, CROSSES to the couch and SITS. Emma takes a seat between Amy and Jeremy, ignoring the latter.]
JEREMY Come on, Emma! You can’t just ignore me like a three a.m. fire drill.
[Emma turns her back to him. He returns to his phone and CROSSES AWAY.]
AMY [to Emma] Boyfriend trouble?
EMMA It’s complicated.
AMY It’s Complicated is a movie title, not a relationship status.
EMMA That’s actually pretty good. Did you come up with that?
AMY I read that on a T-shirt at Forever 21 once, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
[There is an awkward pause.]
EMMA So, do you know Molly, the host?
AMY Not really, but I do follow her on Twitter. Which, B-T-dubs, is kind of a big deal because I don’t really follow a lot of people. I try to keep my feed clean, you know? And besides, I can’t be following more people than I have followers. Social suicide. But it’s, like, not a problem for me. I’m kind of semi-Twitter famous.
NARRATOR [to the audience] Did anyone else follow that? Because I think I blacked out for a moment.
EMMA Semi-Twitter famous?
AMY I do a lot of commentary on the present-day iPhone, emoji climate. . . . uses, meanings, and what’s missing from the current collection.
[Emma is growing disinterested.]
AMY It’s not always easy or fun, but someone has to do it. There’s a BuzzFeed article about it. You probably saw it.
[Emma looks at her wrist as if she were wearing a watch.]
EMMA Oh my gosh! I just realized that I promised to meet my friend in another room of the party at exactly this time!
AMY Totally cool! Talk later.
[Emma EXITS just as Wes ENTERS. They again make eye contact. Amy spots Wes, breaks the moment.]
AMY Oh, how nice of you to join me.
[Wes joins Amy on the couch. Jeremy stands off quietly taking selfies.]
WES Amy, I’ve been doing some thinking. And I’ve also been doing some drinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this just isn’t working.
AMY What? Us? How could you even say that?
WES Come on. You only date me because I look good in Instagram photos.
AMY You do look flawless in every filter.
WES But is that a reason to keep dating?
AMY You’re saying I’m only dating you because you’re attractive? I have guys hitting me up on my social media profiles left and right. Even on LinkedIn!
WES I just can’t do this. I need someone who’s going to take the time to listen to what I. . . .
AMY [interrupting] I know what this is really about! You’re just jealous that Apple reached out to me about my analysis of their emojis. If I learned anything from Beyoncé’s performance at the two thousand fourteen VMAs, it’s that I don’t need a guy who feels threatened by my success.
WES Yeah, well, I don’t need a woman who objectifies me.
[Amy, gazing at her phone, RISES and CROSSES AWAY.]
WES Amy! Are you even listening?
[She EXITS. Wes sighs and takes a seat on the couch. Emma ENTERS. Jeremy INTERCEPTS.]
JEREMY Hey babe, I’m sorry you got mad at me for, like, no reason, but I’m ready to forgive you. I’m pretty sure there’s a closet out in the hallway with a minimal amount of puke. Want to go there and make out?
EMMA You’re actually super disgusting. Do you even know why I’m mad at you?
JEREMY [ flipping through his phone] Uh, of course. You got mad because your parents won’t let you go to that internship you want in L.A.
EMMA That’s it. I’m done. We’re done.
JEREMY Please. You’ve said that before.
EMMA Well, this time I mean it. You never listen to me when I talk to you! We just need to stop whatever it is we have going on here.
JEREMY Well, don’t expect me to like your Instagram pics anymore.
[Jeremy EXITS. Emma takes a seat on the couch next to Wes.]
WES [turning to her] You should do it.
EMMA Sorry?
WES The internship, I mean. It’ll be scary and maybe you’ll have to start getting creative with ramen, but I think it would be worth it.
EMMA You were listening to that?
WES Umm, yeah. I hope that’s okay and not at all creepy.
EMMA [laughing] No, it’s just that. . . . I never think anyone’s ever listening. . . .
[Emma and Wes gaze at each other before shyly turning away. Then. . . . ] EMMA You really think I should do it? Maybe I should just stay home and earn some extra cash.
WES Or you could accept an awesome internship in New York, and then, in your free time, walk around the city and recreate scenes from Ghostbusters.
[She grins, blushes. He returns the smile.]
NARRATOR [to the audience] They’re so freaking cute. I just want to rip out my eyes but then put them back in so I can keep watching.
EMMA You know what, I think I’m going to do it. I really want to, and now I feel like it’ll be a personal affront to Bill Murray if I don’t.
WES That’s the spirit! Can I grab you a drink. . . . to celebrate?
EMMA Definitely!
[Wes RISES. After a brief moment, Emma follows suit.]
EMMA You know what? I’ll go with you.
WES I’m Wes.
EMMA Emma.
[They again exchange smiles, POCKET THEIR PHONES, and EXIT together.]
NARRATOR [to the audience] This is so stupid romantic. Look at them, riding off into the sunset with the promise of a beautiful relationship and maybe some making out later. [beat] Maybe there’s hope for us yet.
[A TEXT TONE RINGS OUT from INSIDE THE GUACAMOLE BOWL. The FRAT BRO awakens and RISES unsteadily from beneath the table. He looks around for a moment before reaching into the guacamole bowl and PULLING OUT A PHONE. The Narrator looks on in horror.]
FRAT BRO I knew I left this somewhere.
[He wipes the guacamole off the phone and begins TEXTING as he EXITS. The Narrator stares out into the audience in defeat.]
LIGHTS FADE OUT
END OF PLAY