Waves of nausea had already begun to pummel at her stomach as she arrived at the kids’ school for Sadie’s Christmas concert, having been waylaid by a sudden burst of sickness that saw her retching in the toilets of the pub just along from Kentish Town tube station. The following day, Tom would be taking the children to his parents’ for the weekend, but she had produced her usual excuse of work to justify staying in London.
The school was an imposing red-brick Victorian building with iron gates. She stood outside, waiting to be buzzed through, protecting her head from the light afternoon shower with her handbag. From the upstairs hall, she could hear the recital in full swing. Perhaps the noise was preventing someone inside from hearing the sound of her repeatedly pressing the buzzer. It was a momentary relief as she peered through the gate to spot Callum kicking a ball against the wall.
‘Callum?’ He turned and his mouth morphed into a smile at the sight of his mother. Reaching up to press the button to release the gate, he walked towards her and hugged her legs.
‘Baby, what are you doing out here? You’ve got no coat on, you’ll freeze. Where’s Daddy?’
Callum shrugged. ‘Upstairs, talking to someone.’
‘Why aren’t you up there? You mustn’t be out here on your own, anything could—’
She stopped herself, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. ‘Don’t worry. Let’s go inside, yeah?’
Callum’s fingers tightened around hers as they moved into the building. Ruffling his hair with her other hand, she looked up, and instantly felt like she had been kicked in the throat.
Through the glass arch that revealed the staircase to the upstairs hall, she saw them, on the other side of the glass – Tom and Harriet, their faces inches apart. It was as if she was watching the scene from far away, but the detail was clear. Even from here, she could almost feel the urgency that rang between them, their voices evidently strained, her hand on his arm.
It must only have been a few seconds, but it felt so much longer, and when he looked up and saw her, Tom’s face fell. Instantly turning away from Harriet, he moved down the stairs, bursting through the doors a moment later and walking towards them.
‘For God’s sake, Callum. Where the hell were you?’
Instinctively, Gabriela held her arm in front of her son. ‘Don’t you speak to him like that.’ Her voice was trembling.
Over Tom’s shoulder, she saw Harriet emerge through the door and her whole body rang with an emotion she couldn’t quite fathom.
‘Harriet was helping me look for Callum,’ Tom said and she said nothing, feeling her son’s grasp tighten in hers.
‘Well, glad you found him,’ Harriet said, her voice brittle. ‘Nice to see you again, Gabriela.’
She turned and as the sound of her heels faded, leaving the three of them in the hall, the crescendo of the performance emanating from the hall upstairs gave way to applause.
‘We’d better get back up there,’ Tom’s eyes held Gabriela’s as he spoke, with an authority that she hadn’t seen for so long that it made her stand straighter and then follow them both towards the staircase.
Not now, his eyes had warned. Not in front of Callum.
‘Mum!’ Sadie ran towards her with a childishness that made her want to cry. For a moment she hugged Gabriela’s waist but then she pulled away, neatening her hair with her fingers as her peers filed past.
Looking up, Gabriela saw Harriet moving towards them on her way to the exit, their eyes locking briefly and instantly snapping away again as she moved past.
Harriet and Tom, the words swam in Gabriela’s mind. So it was true. She wasn’t mad.
When she turned to pick Tom out in the crowd, he was on the other side of the room with Callum, collecting the belongings he had left on his chair.
She struggled with her emotions, overwhelmed, until in the end all that was left was a quiet numbness.
‘Darling, you were amazing,’ she said to Sadie, leaning in to her, trying to keep the trembling out of her voice.
Leaning in further so that her mouth was pressed against her daughter’s ear, she added so quietly that only Sadie could hear, ‘Mummy has to go now, I have to be back at work this evening, but you have a wonderful time with Granny and Grandad and I’ll see you soon, OK? I love you, so much.’
Not allowing herself to be dissuaded by the expression on Sadie’s face as she turned away from her, Gabriela moved back through the crowd of parents, her feet clattering down the stairs until she was outside again. Buzzing herself through the school gates, the first parent to leave after the concert, she ran as if the devil was chasing her, and she was still running when she reached the tube station.
It was only then that she realised she had no idea where she was going. Where did Ivan even live? Richmond, that was as much as she knew. After all these months, she had never been to his house. And he had barely so much as asked where hers was, giving in so easily to her deceit.
Her fingers shaking, she pulled out her phone and dialled his number.
‘It’s me,’ she said when he answered. ‘Can I come over?’