By the time she arrived at Ivan’s house, she had four missed calls from Tom.
Drained of all adrenaline, but knowing he would not stop until she gave him some reason for her disappearance after the concert – an answer beyond the one he must have already partially surmised – she texted him back, I’m working tonight. We’ll speak when you’re back from Edinburgh, before turning off her phone.
Ivan was waiting at the front door when she stepped out of the taxi. Dressed as if he had just returned from the office, there was something so incongruous about seeing him there, under the portico at the end of the garden path, lined with perfectly manicured plants and poplar hedges sculpted into a series of shapes, that she was momentarily thrown.
‘I’m so happy you came,’ he said as he wrapped his arms around her, saying nothing about the absence of any luggage.
Before she could change her mind, she said it: ‘I’m pregnant.’
It had been six weeks after her last period when she’d finally acknowledged the familiar sensation in her abdomen, naming it in her own mind. Given how long it had been since Tom and she had last had sex, she knew the baby could only be Ivan’s. They had been using contraception, except that one time in Paris. The real shock came when she found a stain of blood in her knickers, and in the twenty-four hours while she waited for a hospital appointment, believing she’d lost the baby before she’d even been able to name its existence, she realised something she could never have believed – she really wanted this child.
It didn’t make sense, after everything she had done to avoid spending time with her children, to avoid at any cost the inevitable chaos that parenthood brought. Part of her wondered briefly whether this sudden, visceral longing was on behalf of Ivan, a wish to give him back the baby he had lost. But she was too selfish for that. Perhaps, she reasoned, it was an attempt at redemption, albeit a warped one. She had fucked everything up, and this was her chance to do it again and do it properly. Or maybe, it occurred to her, rather than simply taking over her body, this baby had stolen her mind, too. It wasn’t a rational decision, to keep it. It wasn’t a decision at all. She just knew she couldn’t get rid of it. She hadn’t told Ivan her news immediately, hugging the information to herself for a few weeks, adjusting to the momentous reality.
‘Say something,’ she pleaded once they had settled on the impossibly plush sofa in the living room, out of earshot of Polina, the housemaid he’d hastily introduced as they moved into the hallway.
He exhaled loudly, puffing out his cheeks. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say, I’m shocked.’
‘Well, you’re not the only one,’ she replied, folding her legs so that she was positioned away from him, the hurt of his reaction stinging her cheeks.
‘Hey,’ he leaned over and put his hand on her leg. ‘That doesn’t mean I’m not happy. I’m just … You know. I’m old. I wasn’t expecting— After …’
‘It’s OK,’ she said, understanding the complicated emotions that must have arisen as a consequence of his past experience. ‘I know. I’m old too. Well, older than I was,’ she said, flushing at her indiscretion. ‘I didn’t plan this.’
‘But you want it?’ he asked gently.
‘Yes,’ she said, surprised again by the certainty of her response. ‘Yes, I do.’
‘I don’t even know where you live,’ he said, with a look of bafflement.
‘I told you, it’s just a room I rent. I’m away so much for work. I suppose maybe I’m ashamed of it.’
He nodded, smiling finally. ‘A baby …’
They ate a takeaway for dinner, which Polina laid out on the dining room table alongside silver cutlery.
‘You must be tired,’ he said once Polina had cleared away their plates, her eyes discreetly watching Gabriela as she stacked the empty containers, barely returning her smile when their eyes met.
‘I am actually,’ she said, realising suddenly how shattered she was. ‘Is it OK if I …?’
It was something they had both readily accepted that in all their time together they had never shared each other’s beds. Now, she felt self-conscious, an intruder almost, as she pulled back the sheets and curled beneath the duvet.
Ivan’s house oozed the established wealth of the cultured classes, his bedroom sparsely decorated with key pieces of art on the walls, and a couple of well-placed books. He leaned down and kissed her on the head, and she found herself wondering about the last time that someone other than him had slept between these sheets.
‘I’ve got a couple of work calls to make and then I’ll be up,’ he said as he moved out of the room, and she smiled back at him, her hand moving to her abdomen as she lay back on the pillow.
It couldn’t have been too much later when she was woken by the sound of barking across the river, which ran along the bottom of the garden. Turning in the bed, she saw that Ivan was still not there. Sitting up, she was suddenly desperate for water. The carpet was soft under her toes as she made her way downstairs, through the dark house. Feeling self-conscious for creeping around, but reluctant to call out for reasons she couldn’t explain, she moved through the hallway, which was practically the size of her whole house, until she reached the kitchen.
Going to the tap, she filled a glass from one of the cupboards and was about to move back towards the hallway when she heard a voice from the conservatory. Gravitating towards it, she spotted Ivan, seated with his back to her in an Eames lounge chair.
‘I never said anything about a car,’ she heard him say, followed by a sharp laugh.
There was a short silence as he rearranged his feet on the footstool, and then she saw him sit up, his voice becoming more forceful. ‘Listen, I never promised you anything …’
‘Gabriela?’
The room was suddenly flooded with light and Gabriela winced, turning to find Polina standing in front of her, her finger still hovering over the switch.
‘Hi,’ she said, her cheeks burning as Polina stared back at her, her expression unresponsive to her smile. ‘I was … getting water.’
‘OK,’ she said.
‘Well, I’ve got it now.’ She tried to smile as Ivan moved into the room, his voice uneasy as he looked from one woman to the other.
‘Is everything OK?’
‘Everything’s fine,’ Gabriela said. ‘I was just thirsty. Sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you.’
‘That’s no problem.’ His eyes flicked briefly to Polina. ‘Will you lock up down here if we go up?’
Polina nodded as Gabriela moved past, more quickly, towards the stairs, aware of Polina’s eyes following her across the house.