twenty-two

Maggie

For the rest of the Re-START trip, Caleb keeps his distance. He acts like we’re mere acquaintances. He only interacts with me when he has to. When we talk to groups around Illinois, Indiana, and Wisconsin, Caleb shares how he was arrested and how he’d do anything to avoid jail in the future.

He doesn’t talk about going to jail for Leah. I think he wants to forget that part of the story, although in my opinion the reality of what he did for his sister looms over him every day. I wish I could get him to talk about it, but at this point he doesn’t trust me at all.

I’m not sure he trusts anyone.

It’s the day before the end of the trip, and we’re staying in a big rented cabin in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. The cabin has nine bedrooms, so we each get our own. But I can’t sleep with the thought of losing Caleb again pressing on me. I peek into his room at two in the morning, but his bed is empty. My heart is panicking, thinking he’s skipped out early.

Relief washes over me as I spot Caleb from my window. He’s skipping rocks by the lake.

My brain tells me it will be better to just let him go.

My heart … not so much.

I still want to convince him to go back to Paradise. I haven’t done a great job of doing what I set out to do. Tonight is my last chance. Thinking about what Vanessa said, I brace myself to confront Caleb once and for all.

I slip through the sliding glass door. The melodic sound of the crickets chirping follows in my wake as I walk down the gravel path to the lake.

“I guess this is good-bye … again.”

He doesn’t look at me. Instead, he skips another rock. “I guess so. Have fun in Spain.”

I haven’t thought about my impending year abroad for a few weeks now. This Re-START trip has been exhausting both physically and mentally. I’ve learned a lot about myself this past month. I’ve also become good friends with Trish and Erin, who are now like sisters. Trish thinks she’s Erin’s protector, and the three of us have spent most nights talking until the early morning hours.

I sit on a big boulder and watch him. “Where are you headed?”

He shrugs. “Arizona, I think.”

Arizona? That’s too far. There are so many loose ends he needs to tie up before he goes away. “Come back to Paradise, Caleb.”

“This conversation is over.”

I stand and step right in front of him. He’s about to skip another rock, but I take his hand and open it up so the rock falls to the ground. “Go back to Paradise,” I say again.

He lowers his gaze to the ground, and I feel his defeat as if it’s my own. “I can’t. When I came back home, my entire family wanted me to pretend the Beckers were this picture-perfect family. In reality, each one of us was fucked up. I couldn’t fake it before. I still can’t, so don’t even ask me to. I’m living with so many regrets, I can’t add another one to the roster.”

“Give them the benefit of the doubt. They need you.”

He shakes his head. “I have nothing to go back to. Hell, even Mrs. Reynolds is dead. The only person I’d go back for is you, and we were doomed from the start.” He steps away from me and runs his fingers through his hair. He does that when he’s frustrated. “Forget I just said I’d go back for you. That was stupid of me.”

I’m waiting for him to say our cooling-off period will be over, that he’s ready to try again. But he doesn’t. Maybe he realized that what we have isn’t worth the hassle, especially because I’m leaving for Spain and he’s leaving for Arizona.

I think of the times we kissed and held each other. I thought nothing could feel as amazing as I felt then, so powerful and explosive.

“Are you really leaving?” I ask, my voice coming out as a whisper.

“Yeah. No regrets.”

“What?” No regrets? “Why do you keep saying that? What does it mean?”

He cups my chin tenderly and urges me to look up at him. “It means I can’t leave until I do this…”

He bends his head. I wait for his warm, full lips to meet mine as my heart pounds like crazy in my chest. His lips hover over mine, and we both smile because it brings us back to the lake where we were testing and teasing each other. It was playful and dangerous. We’re playing a playful and dangerous game right now, but I tell myself to enjoy it and ignore the warnings in the back of my head.

At least that’s what I keep trying to tell myself as I close my eyes and he presses his lips to mine. I savor every moment of our kiss. It’s not hot and heavy and hungry. It’s slow and sexy and sensual. He takes hold of my waist and pulls me closer.

Oh, God, I want to melt in his arms right here and now. I wrap my arms around his neck as we keep kissing and holding and touching. He lifts me off the ground. I can’t imagine anyone else being able to make me feel invincible and beautiful and worthy like Caleb does. I want to scream I love you, Caleb! Don’t you feel what I feel when I’m with you?

His lips slowly pull away from mine and he unwraps my arms from around his neck. “I won’t regret that … ever. Good-bye, Maggie.”

“Bye, Caleb. I’ll … miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too.”

I take a deep breath, holding back the flood of emotions. I push past him and hurry toward the cabin so he doesn’t see the tears streaming down my cheeks. I quickly get into bed and bury my head into my pillow so he can’t hear my heartache as I cry.

Why do I do this? Why do I let him go without a fight? Because I’m a coward, that’s why.

I hear the sliding door creak open a few minutes later. Caleb must be back in the cabin. I think of Vanessa, who is stuck in jail and can’t fight for what she wants.

I can.

I realize what Caleb’s motives were for kissing me tonight. That sweet kiss was an attempt at closure.

It wasn’t enough, at least for me. I want more. I need more. But do I have the nerve to show him what kind of closure I want in order to finally let go?

I take a deep breath as I sit on the edge of my bed. I can do this. I’m careful to take soft steps and pray the wooden floor of the cabin doesn’t creak as I make my way down to the basement.

To Caleb’s room.

His door is open. Lenny is sleeping soundly in the room across the hall. Lenny’s snores echo through the walls, but Caleb’s room is quiet. I don’t even hear him breathing as I step in.

There are no windows, so it’s almost completely dark. A green glow is coming from a permanent night-light in the hallway.

“Caleb?” I whisper. “You awake?”

“Yeah.” I hear his sheets rustle as he sits up. “Is something wrong?”

“Kind of.”

I close the door, then feel my way slowly around the room, hoping I don’t trip and fall. I bump into something warm and hard and distinctly male. Caleb. He’s not wearing a shirt, because I feel his hot skin and muscular chest against my fingertips.

I look up into the darkness. “Hi.”

“Hey,” he says, his familiar voice comforting to me somehow. I’m going to miss that voice. “I don’t suppose you got lost.”

“No. I, uh, couldn’t sleep. And I thought … I just …
well …”

“What is it, Maggie? Just say it.”

Okay. I might as well gather up the nerve. It’s now or never. “I thought we could spend our last night together. I know we might not see each other again after tomorrow, but I can’t help but want to be in your arms tonight. Just one last time. Is that okay?”

Caleb takes my hand in his and leads me back to his bed. “It’s more than okay.”

I slip under the covers and wait for him to join me, but he doesn’t.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“To lock the door. You don’t want Lenny to suddenly barge in on us, do you?”

I laugh nervously. “No.”

It’s cool in the basement, so I pull the blanket up to my chest. Caleb slides in beside me, and I feel his bare legs against mine. “You’re shivering,” he says, his voice a low whisper.

“I’m a little cold … and a little nervous.”

“Don’t be nervous, Maggie. It’s just me.”

It’s the real Caleb, without the tough facade. I’m glad it’s completely dark now and he can’t see my trembling fingers as they move up to his beautiful face. “I know.”

He pulls me closer. I rest my head in the crook of his arm and am more content than ever.

“Maggie?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For making me feel alive again.”

I drape my arm across his chest, the warmth of his skin melting into mine. I want to remember this night forever, because we’ll probably never get another chance to hold each other like this again. It makes me want to do more than just sleep in his arms. I try and relax, to slow my own erratic heartbeat as I wrap my right leg, the one that wasn’t severely damaged in the accident, around him. It’s a definite hint that I’m ready to do more than just lie in his arms.

He moans in response. “Maggie, you’re treading into dangerous territory. I’m trying to be a good, honorable guy here.”

“I know. But I’m not asking you to be one.”

“You sure you know what you’re getting into?”

“Nope. I’ve got no clue.” I start kissing and feeling my way across his broad chest.

“You’re killing me,” he says, his hands slowly reaching for me and urging me up so we’re face to face. “We can’t do this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ready and willing. But we’re going in completely different directions tomorrow. You and I both know fooling around or having sex will complicate everything.”

“I have a great idea,” I say matter-of-factly. “Let’s just make out all night until we’re exhausted. That’s okay, isn’t it?”

“Make out, huh?” He pulls me on top of him. “We can definitely do that,” he murmurs against my lips.

Afterward, when we’re both coming down from a high I’ve never felt before, I lay my head on his chest while he wraps his arms around me. “That was a great make-out session.”

“Mmm,” he agrees sleepily. “The best.” A few minutes later, I feel Caleb’s body relax. His slow, even breathing lulls me to sleep.