- Persephone -

Hades
Persephone, bae, wut’s wrong?
Persephone
What do u mean, “What’s wrong?” U kidnapped me and brought me 2 this godsforsaken underworld!!! It sucks here!! I want 2 go !
Hades
CTFO! Every1 here worships you! Ur their queen!
Persephone
I don’t want 2 b the of the . I want 2 b outside in the and in forests.
Hades
Well, we have that 1 pomegranate . Why don’t u have a pomegranate? It might cheer u up.
Persephone
How many times do I have 2 tell u?! I’m not eating ur dead-people food!
dingbat
Persephone
Mom! I miss u! Come rescue me! #FOMO
Demeter
OMG, Persephone! I have been looking 4 u everywhere. Are u OK?
Persephone
Yes, but I want 2 come . Hades abducted me when we were in the field that day and got separated.
Demeter
I have been & the whole has turned to ice and . I will not let anything bloom until I have u safely in my arms again. I will find a way.
Persephone
Pls hurry! I am getting rly hungry & my options r pretty limited down here.
Demeter
Will do!
dingbat
Zeus
Hey, Demeter. Can u pls let things bloom again? All the gods keep complaining that u’ve turned the into some kind of icy wasteland and every1 is dying.
Demeter
I’m not doing anything unless u help me get my daughter back from Hades.
Zeus has added Hermes to conversation.
Zeus
Hermes, go down 2 Hades & see if u can talk some sense into Hades.
Hermes
OK, but just 2 b clear, the guy’s name is Hades AND the place is called Hades?
Zeus
Yeah. Just go w/ it.
Group text: Hermes, Persephone, Hades
Hermes
Good news! I’m here 2 bring u !
Persephone
Jeez! It’s about .
Hades
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m in charge down here. She’s not going anywhere.
Hermes
Do YOU want 2 tell that 2 almighty Zeus, or should I?
Hades
Oh…uh…well, I guess if Zeus said so, then there’s nothing I can do.
Persephone
Yay!
Hades
But there is one small issue.
Persephone
WHAT?
Hades
You ate some pomegranate seeds the other day. SoOoOo I guess u’ll just have 2 stay 4ever. Because…arbitrary rules. LMAO
Persephone
That is bull ! I had—at most—a handful of seeds, and it was an accident. I’m calling Zeus.
Hades
Good luck. The service sux down here.
Persephone
Just like everything else.
Group text: Zeus, Demeter, Hades, Persephone
Zeus
WHAT NOW?! I’m trying to get some “me” time in w/ these b4 my wife gets back.
Demeter
Hades refuses to free Persephone even tho u commanded it!
Hades
Because she ate the food of the dead! U know the rules, Zeus.
Persephone
I was tricked! He has been trying 2 get me 2 eat those damn pomegranate seeds ever since I got here!
Zeus
ENOUGH. Let’s agree 2 a compromise, shall we? From now on, Persephone will spend 1/2 the year w/ her mother aboveground, and the other 1/2 belowground in Hades. Then everyone’s , right?
Demeter
No way! I refuse to bring warmth and and for any amt of time my daughter and I are apart.
Zeus
So be it. We’ll have 6 mos of warmth and 6 mos of cold.
Persephone
So unfair. But I’m just glad to b back w/ u again, Mom.
Zeus
So, Demeter. In the off-season…
Persephone
Don’t even think about it, Zeus.
Zeus
Can’t blame a guy for trying.