At a rumble in the driveway, Sam glanced out the window into the darkened courtyard. The car Nicole had driven to Brady’s pulled alongside his house. He sighed and set down the farming magazine he had been attempting to read. Putting his head in his hands, he waited for the oncoming storm that was Nicole.
Her shoes clacked against the concrete and then the wooden porch. She knocked on the door three times and waited for a moment. The screen door opened and shut. A chair scraped the old linoleum floor. Her fresh scent drifted over him like the soft winds of springtime. He braced himself for the questions he didn’t want to answer or the admonishments for his childish behavior before dinner. He deserved to be berated, to be lectured about how to behave around people. He deserved her sharp tongue and harsh words. He deserved never to be forgiven. The sound of a bottle being placed on the table in front of him made him lift his head.
Nicole sat to the right of him at the table. Her dark hair was down as it had been for dinner. She still wore the simple brown skirt and blouse. Beautiful in its simplicity, the skirt followed the curves of her body like a lover’s hand. The delicate scent of her played with his senses. Her face was passive. Her light green eyes indicated the beer she’d set down in front of him.
“I figured you could use that.” She leaned back in the chair, not at all ladylike with her legs spread out before her, and took a drink of her own beer. “Long night?”
His fingers rested on the cold beer. His thumb played with the label, which had started to peel away from the glass. He wanted to be alone. Needed the reminder that this was his life. Alone. “Yeah, long night. Not really up to company.”
“Me neither.” She took another drink and stared out the kitchen window at the darkness beyond, not moving an inch.
He shrugged. What the hell. He took a drink of beer and relaxed back in his chair. Sooner rather than later, she’d get to her point. Nicole loved to talk. But as they drank, she didn’t meet his eyes and didn’t talk. She just sat there. With him.
A little warmth spread through his chest that only had a little to do with the beer. The crickets and katydids filled the night air with their unique songs. Somewhere a lone coyote let out a howl. A few minutes later, a responding howl disrupted the night. It was peaceful, and having Nicole here with him made him appreciate this moment, enjoy the empty night for a change.
She didn’t look at him. Didn’t expect anything from him, at least not overtly. She wanted him to open up to her, but it had been a long time since he’d trusted anyone with his innermost thoughts. A very long time. Actually, it had been since he was fourteen...
“You didn’t have to come over,” he said when his beer was empty.
“I don’t have to do a lot of things.” She pushed her empty bottle to the center of the table and stretched her arms over her head. She closed her eyes and rolled her head around, stretching her neck. His eyes were drawn to her figure, and he swallowed, not knowing how strong he was to resist her. She was only a friend. That was the plan.
“I’m fine. You don’t have to stay,” he pressed.
Her eyes opened, and she tossed him a grin. “Seriously? Do I have to repeat myself? It’s not a have. It’s a want. Or rather a don’t want. I don’t want to go to my father’s house, where my bratty brothers will be playing Xbox. Loudly. While my dad tries to tell me about the old days when farming was easy, as if it ever was. And if that gets to be too much, I can always retreat to my room, where my computer stares at me from the corner of the room, mocking me with its lack of new email and a competitive job market.”
She leaned back in her chair again and returned her gaze to the window. “I’d rather be here. With you. Even if we just drink a beer or two.”
Sam didn’t know what to say to that. No one had just hung out with him for a long time. Even when his brothers had put him on house arrest post-surgery, Brady had been on his honeymoon, and while Luke had been here to help with the farm, he’d spent most of his free time in town with Penny.
Since he didn’t know what to say, he said simply, “Thanks,” and pulled two more beers out of the six-pack on the table. He set one in front of her and opened his own.
Tipping her head to him, she opened hers and took a drink. “I do expect you to talk to me eventually. You can resist my charming repartee for only so long.”
He caught her wink and smiled.
“See.” She pointed a finger at his face. Her chair legs returned to the floor with a heavy slam. “I’ve even gotten that elusive smile again.”
“I have no idea what you mean.” He chuckled and took a drink.
She wagged her finger at him. “Someday I’m going to make you laugh. And hard. I swear. It’s my new life mission.”
They sat quietly for a moment before she said, “So, you are going to have Amber this weekend?”
“Yes.”
“What is that like? Obviously neither of my chucklehead brothers has a child yet. None of my friends in California either, though one couple was pregnant when I left. I should at least email her to see how she’s doing.” Nicole started peeling the label off her bottle of beer. “She posts her progress to Facebook all the time, but you know how it is... Sometimes you want to have a personal conversation with someone. Connect. They were some of the friends that Jeremy got in the breakup. She was always super nice to me, though. We’d always sit and talk at parties. It’s weird to think that people have to choose sides. I mean, they don’t, really, but they do. You know?”
When she looked up at him expectantly, he nodded. How was he supposed to know? He’d never been in a breakup that involved dividing up one’s friends.
“There I go talking about my breakup. Again. You never talk about any girls that you’ve dated.” She glanced up at him before returning her gaze back to the bottle. “Did you have a girlfriend like that? You know, serious? Or even someone you wanted to date and couldn’t? Because she was with someone else or something?”
He reached forward and put his hand over hers to still her almost-violent ripping off of the label. Something was eating at her. She raised her gaze to his. Her eyes were a little glassy from the beer, but she was far away from falling-off-the-chair drunk.
“What do you want to know, Nik?” he asked softly.
She swallowed and straightened her shoulders. “Have you loved someone? Romantically?”
“No.” No hesitation. He didn’t take his hand off hers.
Relief flooded her eyes. What was that about? Her fingers twitched under his, but she didn’t pull them away. Her face was an open book, and he could tell when she turned the page as something occurred to her.
“Do you think you can?” she whispered, as if even the crickets and katydids shouldn’t hear their conversation.
“I don’t know.” He honestly didn’t know if he was capable of loving someone. Or if he was just too broken. Could anyone pierce the guilt and remorse that enclosed his heart? Did he deserve to love after everything he’d done? He squeezed her hand slightly and let go.
“What happened with Maggie and Amber?” she asked. This time her intense gaze remained on his face, probably searching for any clues there. “Brady said to ask you. What happened with you and them?”
He took in a deep breath as his chest tightened with remorse and guilt over what he’d done. It had taken him a week of driving over to Maggie’s before he had finally gotten up the courage to talk to her a year ago. It wasn’t one of his better decisions. He’d hated himself for doing that to them. Was he really ready to talk to Nicole about this? What would it hurt if she knew? Maybe she’d finally give up on him once she realized how awful he was. Would she smile at him the same if she knew?
He’d miss her smiles.
He released the breath. “Maggie got pregnant with Amber and wrote here to let Brady know because Brady had taken an internship overseas. Instead of telling him or her, I gave Maggie some of the money that Brady sent every month.”
He’d believed he was doing the right thing back then. But it had always sat wrong in his gut. He’d cut off his brother from his family. His mother would have been disappointed in him.
She seemed to absorb the information. Considering the words carefully.
“And Luke?” Not one ounce of condemnation was in her gaze.
Shoving his beer away, he rolled his head back. “His girlfriend, Penny, kissed me at his graduation party to make sure he broke up with her. I never told him that she collapsed into tears afterward.”
“Oh.”
He brought his head up. She hadn’t moved. Her expression was still neutral. Not accusing but not pitying, either.
Her green eyes met his. “Why?”
Her question threw him off guard. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I assume at the time you had a reason to keep the fact that Brady had a kid from him. And that there was some logic to not telling Luke about his girlfriend. After all, you are a rational person. And while emotions can get the better of us from time to time, you seem pretty in control of yours. Were you angry with Brady or Luke?”
Brady had asked him why. Even Luke had asked him why Sam hadn’t talked to him about Penny. But he hadn’t expected Nicole to ask. He thought she’d just walk away and give up on him. But here she was, asking him why. Giving him a chance to explain.
“We were young, but that’s not the reason. I was twenty-two. Brady was twenty. And Luke was eighteen. They both had new lives. Brady was off to London, following his dream, and Luke had a full ride to college. I was the one who had to stay behind. I was the one who had to bear the responsibility of the farm. I took on the responsibility of Brady’s daughter and keeping Penny’s secret so that my brothers wouldn’t be trapped here.”
Nicole moved to stand in front of him. He tipped his head back to look at her. Ready for her to slap him, to tell him what a mess he’d made of everything. She rested her hands on the sides of his face. “Like you were trapped?”
He didn’t reply. He didn’t have to. Maybe when he was older and wiser, he’d understand why, but for now, he just knew that she understood. He could see it in her eyes. In the soft sadness of her smile.
“I can never be forgiven for what I did to them.” He didn’t move away from her. He wanted to close his eyes, but he needed to see that she couldn’t forgive him, either. It would be in her eyes. In her smile. In her words.
“Okay.” Her smile was light and kind. Her thumb traced his cheekbone, sending a current of awareness arcing down his spine.
He must have misheard her. “Okay?”
“Did you want me to forgive you?” Her hands were warm against his cheeks. Her eyes were soft and not accusatory. Everything about her was yielding and accepting. His chest swelled with warmth.
“No,” he said. He wasn’t asking for forgiveness. He didn’t deserve it.
“Then...okay.” She lowered herself to sit sideways on his lap. “I’m not here to judge you, Sam. I’m not here to prosecute or defend you even. I’m just here.”
She touched her lips to his and fire spread through his veins, along with wonder. From the moment he saw her in that tree, Nicole hadn’t been what he expected. The tomboy he’d remembered had been replaced with a woman so optimistic and happy that even losing her boyfriend and job hadn’t knocked her down.
Drawing her closer, he fell into the kiss, wanting to breathe in her essence and let it cleanse the darkness inside of him. To feel the warmth she filled him with eliminate all the cold corners of his soul. To have this moment with her and let all the corruption and darkness go for one night.
Her fingers tangled in his hair as she gave herself fully to the kiss. He felt her surrender like a kick to his gut. His body flamed hotter, but his mind resisted. This was wrong. Nicole wasn’t someone he could just have sex with and leave the next morning without leaving a part of himself behind. As much as he wanted her, he knew this could only end badly.
He broke off the kiss and breathed deeply. His fingers gripped her hips. His body urged him to keep going. The battle raged inside him: the part that wanted her against the part that knew better. This was madness.
She opened her eyes. The light green was electrifying. Her pupils were dilated. Her lips were swollen and open in a small O, begging his mouth to take hers again. Against his chest, he could feel the sharp staccato beat of her heart along with his. She was offering him everything she was.
If he were a bastard, he’d take it and worry about the consequences in the morning, but he already carried too much weight of his wrongdoings. Adding this would break him completely.
“I think...” he began and swallowed as his body tried to force a lump in his throat to keep him from ruining this. “This isn’t a good idea.”
Her lips curved into a smile. “You’re right. It’s a terrible idea.”
His chest pinched, even though he should’ve been relieved.
She stood, hitched up her skirt and straddled him on the chair. “Completely awful.”
There in the kitchen he’d grown up in, Nicole pressed her lips and body against his. His excuses flew away one by one as her hands moved down his chest. The need to discover her mouth overwhelmed his need to keep her at a distance. He pulled her closer and was rewarded with a grateful moan from the back of her throat.
Her breasts crushed against his chest as she once again ran her fingers through his hair. The soft skin of her thighs felt like silk under his fingers. Any lingering thought of denying himself was stripped away when she wiggled closer to his hardness. His hands cupped her bottom under her skirt and pulled her even tighter.
It was too much and not enough. He wanted to continue to explore her mouth, but he needed to taste the rest of her. She was close, but not close enough. Definitely too many clothes. He trailed kisses across her cheek and down her neck.
“I want you, Sam.” The words were tight and needy. She tipped her head back, allowing him access to her. He moved his hands up her back to support her as he leaned her back so that he could kiss down the V of her neckline. Her fingers dug into his shoulders, urging him onward.
As much as he didn’t want to stop at this point, common sense started to ring in his ears.
“We can’t,” he said against the soft swell of her breast, kissing the skin even though it made him ache with need.
“We’re adults. It doesn’t have to—”
He lifted his head and met her eyes. “No, I don’t mean that. It’s that—” This was embarrassing. “I don’t actually have any condoms.”
She bit down on her lip. The wheels turned within her eyes as she tried to manufacture a solution. “What if we...” She glanced around the room and then met his eyes. “It’s not like I’m not...”
Not ready to pull away entirely just yet, he said, “I’m not ready to take any risks with you. We don’t have to do this now.”
Even though everything in him screamed that he should forego safety and take what passion he could, that wasn’t who he was. Even with his new lease on life. He was the responsible one. As much as he’d like to believe he could take some risk with his life, this wasn’t one of those moments he wanted to leave up to Fate. Fate had been a fickle bitch to him over the years.
“We could run to town...” she suggested with a shrug. She was fighting a losing battle. Right now, she had to know that she had him. That if he could, he would toss her up on this table and take her right now or better yet, lay her down on his bed and take his time to explore every inch of skin, every scar, every freckle, every imperfection that made her completely perfect. And if they waited...well, reason would seep back in when his blood flow returned to his other head.
He lifted her from him and helped smooth down her skirt, lingering over the curves. “It’s late. We’ve both had something to drink. Driving in the dark countryside wouldn’t be a good idea.”
“Killjoy.” She pouted and then smiled wickedly as something occurred to her. “We could do...other things.”
Sam swallowed. He knew what “other things” they could do, but he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t be tempted to go further. Not with Nicole standing there looking irresistible with her hair slightly tousled and her lips swollen from his kisses.
Temptation in the flesh. He wanted her. He wanted to taste her and drive her to the edge of madness with need before watching her claim her desire. He wasn’t sure he could hold back. Especially if she was as talkative in bed as she was out.
He tamped down the desire and tried to focus on something else. Anything but the beautiful woman in his kitchen offering herself to him.
“Why don’t we just finish our beers and call it a night?” He lifted her beer to her.
“Where’s the fun if you aren’t going to try to take advantage of me?” She took the beer, though, and slumped back in her chair, clearly disappointed. He wondered if she felt as keyed up as he did.
He didn’t answer her question as he took a huge drink of his beer, knowing it would do nothing to cool his overheated body. For a moment, he was tempted to grab his keys and head into town, grab what they needed and just get it over with. There was all this potential energy between him and Nicole, waiting to explode.
If they just got it over with...
She winked at him as she took a drink. “You really should loosen up more.”
...he would hurt her. And that’s the last thing he wanted to do. “Drink your beer, Nicole.”