Nicole’s card key in the door had Sam up on his feet and heading for the entrance. The lights were dimmed and the curtains drawn as he waited for her. He’d spent the afternoon trying to focus on finding a job or career that excited him. But every few minutes he found himself back in her document, reading her letters to him.
He was the lowest guy ever. These were obviously not letters to him, but a form of diary where he’d become a character. Someone to direct her thoughts at.
He couldn’t stop himself, though. As he read, his heart twisted in his chest. He’d read about her first time in the back of a car that hadn’t been as good as she’d been told it would be. He’d read about her meeting Jeremy and thinking that he was the one. How perfectly he fit the mold of what she’d been told to want.
He’d read about her sex life and how she’d wanted more but was afraid to ask for it. He’d read about her breakup and her exit from the only life she knew. He was peeking into her secret soul, and he knew he shouldn’t.
But he couldn’t help himself. It only proved how bad he truly was and what an awful person he could be. He should give her her privacy, not linger over pages of heartbreak and failure and fantasy.
Those were the best letters. Ones where she’d written her sexual fantasies to him, her dreams. Sometimes she didn’t name the man, but other times she used his name. It made him feel guilty for reading them, but he couldn’t stop the pleasure from rising when she used him in her fantasies.
He’d love to make every one of those fantasies come true. But he shouldn’t even have read them. He wanted every page to be filled with him and no one else. He wanted to be the one who made her melt and cry and sigh.
The door shoved open as he reached it. He’d been waiting for her, ready to pounce. Ready to make her fantasies of him come to life.
She startled as he pulled her against his chest and closed the door behind him. Then she chuckled. “You freaked me out.”
He backed her up against the door and grabbed her purse and tossed it on the bed. Her portfolio followed. He pressed his body into hers up against the door until they lined up: mouth to mouth, chest to chest, hips to hips.
“Sam, what are you—”
He cut her off with a kiss, long and hard. His hands went down her sides and inched up her skirt little by little. He wanted to make this last, but he wanted her so badly. He wanted to fill his mind with her, take all her memories and make them his own. He wanted her body and soul and everything in between. He wanted to consume her and mark her the way she marked him.
He’d always longed for a wife and family. He’d let that dream go a long time ago. But Nicole...she made him want more. She made him want it all.
When her skirt was bunched between them, he slid his fingers into the sides of her underwear and pulled them downward. As he lowered them, he lowered himself, pausing to lavish attention on her breast through her shirt. Her head fell back gently against the door.
When he was on his knees before her, she lifted her feet for him to slip off her underwear.
Her voice was breathless as she said, “You threw my purse and portfolio on the bed. Maybe I should go and move them so we can—”
He leaned forward and put his mouth on her sex, teasing her with his tongue and lips. Trying to make up for him not being there for her for so many years.
With her letters, he felt he’d let her down because he hadn’t been there to be her first. It wasn’t rational, but it didn’t stop him from having wanted to be her first tentative kiss and to have been the one to bring her to immeasurable heights in the back of his car, so losing her virginity would have been perfect.
He focused on her now, the sensual woman she’d become.
Her breathing quickened with his every movement. Her hands splayed against the door for support. He cupped her bottom to help keep her upright. He wanted to burn this into her memory and his. He wanted no one to ever make her feel the way he did. If he couldn’t have her, he wanted her to continue to write to him in her diary when she was married and every fantasy to feature him.
When she cried out her release, he stood and made short work of a condom before entering her. She clutched at his shoulders and opened her liquid green eyes to meet his. Her breathing hitched as he entered.
When she opened her mouth to speak, he leaned in and claimed her mouth. He didn’t want her words. He wanted the unspoken. The emotions and intense feelings that words could never explain. Their bodies moved together as he teased her mouth with his tongue. He wanted to go for the rest of the day and the rest of the night, to give her something to write in that damned document of hers. But as her body clenched down on his and she went rigid in his grip, he lost it. No amount of control could keep him from riding out the wave with her.
As she went limp against him, he gathered her to him like the most fragile, precious thing in the world.
“Wow,” she breathed out. “If I got greeted that way every time I walked in a room, I’d be a very happy lady.”
Her smile was crooked and goofy. He kissed the corners of her lips, loving that smile.
“If anyone else greets you that way, I’ll need his name and address.” He tried to maintain a teasing tone, but even he couldn’t deny the possessiveness in that statement.
“Yes, sir.” She tightened her arms around his neck and sighed happily. “I swear I could sleep right here forever.”
He chuckled. “Against the door?”
“No.” She looked up at him. “With the sound of your heartbeat beneath my ear. With you.”
His chest filled with warmth. Instead of responding and making a fool of himself, he eased her down and slipped into the bathroom to take care of the condom. When he returned, she was still leaning against the door with that crazy little smile playing on her lips.
“You know, I used to fantasize about this, but my fantasies definitely don’t live up to the reality.” She stayed still as if her whole body was weighted down. “I definitely think you’ve given me upgraded fantasy fodder.”
“Good.” He lifted her into his arms. She didn’t need to know that he’d read that particular fantasy and several others. She snuggled against his chest, completely trusting, completely open. He was an ass.
He set her on the bed as if she was made of porcelain. Picking up her purse and portfolio, he moved them to the desk before joining her on the bed.
“Sam?” she asked quietly. Her fingers played with the neckline of his T-shirt while he trailed his fingers down over her body. Memorizing every dip, every curve.
“Hmm?”
She met his eyes. “Can we keep doing this until I have to leave?”
Wanting to avoid her question, knowing he was the worst person ever and she shouldn’t want to be with him at all, he asked, “Lying in the hotel room? Probably only until checkout.”
She pushed up on her elbows and gave him one of those you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me looks. “You know what I mean. I don’t know how long I’m going to be in Tawnee Valley, but I want to spend my time with you while I’m there.”
“You seem to always be with me anyway.” He slid his hand beneath her shirt and across the smooth skin of her stomach, loving the way the muscles contracted under his fingertips.
“I still want to drink beers and talk.” She sucked in a breath as his hand moved higher. “I’d just prefer to do it naked.”
His mind was slowly losing the ability to think as his blood flowed to other parts of his body. “You know that when you go, I can’t go with you.”
“I know that. You have the farm and family in Tawnee Valley. But I could come back and visit.” Her voice had a hopeful edge to it at the end.
“No, you won’t. Besides, I might not be there.” He leaned down and brushed his lips over hers. “You’ll get a great job and be so busy you won’t think about me.”
“No, I won’t—”
“Or some other man will catch your eye.” He unbuttoned her blouse and leaned down to kiss the swells of her breasts. “And you’ll forget all about me.”
She captured his face in her hands and brought him up until they were eye to eye. “I have never and will never forget you, Sam.”
There was no playing in her eyes, and he knew this. He’d read it in her letters. He’d felt it with his body. There was a part of him that would always belong to Nicole, too.
“I love you, Sam.”
He couldn’t stop her. He’d thought about interrupting her as soon as the word I left her mouth, but he couldn’t get around the lump in his throat. He wanted to tell her no, she didn’t. He wanted to laugh it off, but he couldn’t.
She pulled his face down to hers and kissed him. “I love you.”
And he let her say it, did nothing to discourage it, because he wanted it. He wanted her to love him. Hell, he was damned already. What was one more thing to feel guilty over, to regret?
He couldn’t make himself say the words back. He didn’t even know if he was capable of love anymore, but he could show her what she meant to him. So he kissed her and gave her pleasure after pleasure. He’d keep her for as long as he could, and then he’d let her go and watch his heart leave with her.
* * *
Nicole wished she’d said she loved Sam every day they’d been together. Maybe that had been the key to opening him up. The airplane ride home was uneventful, and she’d kept up a light conversation. Her body was wonderfully sore but still ached for more.
They were in Sam’s truck on the way back to the farm. No wonder she couldn’t connect with her other boyfriends. In her heart, she’d always been Sam’s. And now he knew. She should be upset that he hadn’t said it back. But she wasn’t.
If any of her other boyfriends had clammed up and just had sex with her, she probably would have kicked them out. But with Sam...it was so much more than sex. He made love to her. He was never good with words, but when he made love to her...she knew. She glowed just thinking about it.
She let her gaze sweep over his face. “We haven’t discussed the sleeping arrangements yet.”
He jerked a little, and his wheels went over the line onto the rumble strip. She couldn’t help but smile as he got the truck back on the road.
He cleared his throat. “Sleeping arrangements.”
She smiled, feeling mischievous while she watched his face for his very predictable reactions. The only place he was unpredictable for her was in bed, or the shower, or against the wall or door, or in a chair. She was beginning to look everywhere for possibilities.
“Well, I like to sleep, and I definitely appreciate you keeping me up all night, so there is that...”
“You’re staying with your father.” It was a simple statement that apparently was supposed to tell her the correct answer to her question.
“So I’m supposed to sneak out at all hours of the night and traipse across the fields in my black satin nightie that barely covers my panties so that you can feel comfortable knowing that my dad doesn’t think I’m having sex with you.”
They were almost to the turnoff for his farm when he took a side road instead. She didn’t know these back roads as Sam did; maybe he knew a shortcut.
“You know when I did that thing you really liked last night?” she asked. “That takes patience and energy. If I’m exerting myself going from my place to yours, I won’t be able to do that thing. I did enjoy doing that thing.”
Within moments, he pulled into a small grove of trees along a gravel road. He put the truck in Park and rubbed his hand down his face. His voice was filled with exasperation when he asked, “Are you trying to get us killed?”
She rolled her eyes to the ceiling at his uncharacteristic melodrama. “Dad isn’t as old-fashioned as you think. He definitely wouldn’t kill us.”
Sam undid his seat belt and reached over to undo hers.
“If anything, he would be happy because you’re such a hard worker. Wha—” She squeaked as he pulled her across his lap so that she straddled him.
“If I were the type of man to hit a woman, I’d pull you across my lap and spank you.”
She flushed in anticipation and giggled. “I have been rather naughty.”
He raised his eyebrow at her. Thank goodness she’d worn a skirt today as she pressed against his hardness with only her panties and his jeans in the way. She moved a little against him, loving the feel of him against her.
“While I’m driving,” he began his lecture, but at the same time he was undoing his jeans. Her breath caught and she felt herself go liquid at the brush of his knuckles. “You are not to mention beds, black nighties, black panties and, most of all, sex.”
His hand rubbed against her until she started moving to the rhythm he set. He put on a condom and pulled her underwear to the side. As he eased into her, he said, “It’s not safe for the driver to have a raging hard-on while trying to drive.”
She sighed as she pressed lower on him until they were fully connected, and started her own pace. His hands held her hips, helping her. “You have the worst form of punishment ever. You know that I’m going to start telling you dirty stories every time we get into a vehicle if this is the outcome.”
He leaned forward and captured her mouth. They moved faster and faster. She could feel the sweet release coming. Then he kissed his way to her ear and whispered, “Then maybe I should spank you.”
She came. It hit her hard and fast. He kept going until he found his release and she sagged against him.
“I think you should stay at my house,” he said as he ran his hand over her hair.
She hid her smile in his shoulder as she said, “I’d like that.”