“Pass me up the board,” Nicole said.
Sam stood on the ground beneath their old tree house with his niece standing next to him, staring up at Nicole, this strange, wonderful woman, who he was starting to think was more of a force of nature than a mortal. He wasn’t sure how she’d turned him around so completely.
He lifted the board and hefted it onto the platform.
“What can I do?” Amber asked.
“We’re going to need nails and hammers and a lot of help if we want to actually make this a tree house instead of a sad platform in an old tree.” Nicole’s smile was full and uncomplicated. Her smile meant what it meant. There was no undercurrent of anything else. She was happy, so she smiled.
He hadn’t wanted to push her in the garage of the barn, but he knew that there was something deeper to her desire to play with Amber. They’d both lost a bit of their childhood when she moved away. And he’d never stopped losing it from that moment on.
Responsibility had borne down on him until he felt crushed beneath its weight.
“I can go get those.”
Before Sam could say anything, Amber had taken off at a run for the house and barn. Her excitement was palpable. He’d never known what to do with his niece. She’d always wanted to help with chores, so he hadn’t thought to do anything else with her.
“We need a new rope or ladder or something.” Nicole hung on to the branch and arched toward him from above.
“Be careful.” Not that he wouldn’t catch her if she fell again, but he’d rather her be safe to begin with.
She stuck her tongue out at him playfully before stepping back. “What do you think—ladder or rope?”
“I think you are crazy.”
“Of course you do. But crazy is good.” She smiled.
He couldn’t help the return smile that spread on his face, because she was right. Her little bits of crazy were good and he knew it. He couldn’t explain what happened to him when Nicole was around. She brought out a part of him that he hadn’t felt in a long time, an impulsiveness that was bound to get him in trouble when it came to her.
He’d been worried that things would be awkward after the other night and the morning after. But just like everything else, Nicole seemed to let it roll off her and keep smiling.
“I got the tools.” Amber came into view with a couple of hammers and a jar full of nails.
“Great. Get up here so you can help.” Nicole winked.
Amber shoved the tools into Sam’s hands and approached the tree with some visible trepidation. She studied it for a long moment before she began to climb. Like everything he’d seen Amber do, she did it with a thoughtful and careful approach.
Nicole had been right that Amber needed more than chores. She was a very serious child who needed some fun in her life. He couldn’t begin to imagine what she went through. Maggie’s mother had been battling cancer when Amber was born. Maggie had been the sole provider for her daughter and her ailing mother. The weight of that guilt shifted heavier on his heart.
No matter how many times he told himself he had done what he’d thought was best at the time, he couldn’t give that back to Amber. He wasn’t sure why she didn’t hate him for denying her her father. He could only guess that Brady and Maggie hadn’t told her. That secret didn’t help with his burden.
“Are you coming up, Uncle Sam?” Amber had managed to make it to the platform. She looked down at him with a face so similar to his mother’s that if he let it, it could break his heart.
“Yeah, Uncle Sam,” Nicole said as she crouched down to get the tools from him, “are you going to join us?”
It was the question he’d been asking forever, it seemed. Should he join them or go away? He wasn’t sure of the answer anymore. He’d been in the going-away camp, but with Nicole’s open, smiling green eyes inviting him to join her, he wasn’t sure he wanted to go somewhere she wasn’t. It was frightening and exhilarating at the same time.
He hadn’t felt strongly about anything for so long that he wasn’t sure what to do with these feelings welling within him.
“Come on, Sam.” Nicole held her hand out to him. “I’ll even help you up if you need it, but really, you should be able to climb yourself at this point.”
He could make an excuse and leave. Chores that needed to be done. Or he could spend a few hours in the company of his biggest regret and his biggest guilt. His heart was solid in his chest, reminding him that even though he’d been close to death, he was still here and should be taking these opportunities while he had the chance.
He met her eyes and said, “I’m coming up.”
* * *
They spent the afternoon building the tree house, starting where he and Nicole had left off. Sam thought they had made fairly decent progress as the sun started to drop below the horizon.
As they climbed down the new ladder, Sam asked Nicole, “Do you want to join us for pizza in Owen?”
Owen was the slightly larger town nearest to Tawnee Valley and it had a really good pizza joint, where he and Amber would go for dinner when she stayed.
Nicole landed in the spot directly in front of him and tapped his chest with the back of her hand. “Ha. I knew you’d have a secret for cooking. I would love to join you after I have a chance to wash up.”
“How about we pick you up in about fifteen minutes?” Sam said.
“Great.” Nicole gave both him and Amber a quick hug before heading toward the adjoining fence line. “I’ll see you soon,” she threw over her shoulder.
He watched her go. He couldn’t help it. She was everything he wasn’t. She was bright and shiny like a brand-new penny. He’d been in circulation way too long and ought to be retired.
“I like Nicole,” Amber said. She moved to stand next to him. “Do you like her?”
“Yeah.” Sam looked down at his niece. “Yeah, I do.”
“Cool.”
They started heading for the house. They’d made it halfway when Amber asked, “Do you like her like her or just like her? Jessica says that boys and girls can’t be friends because they always want to kiss the other one.”
“And Jessica knows everything?” Sam raised his eyebrow, and his niece chuckled.
“I do watch TV, too.” Because TV made anyone an expert, of course. Amber swung her arms back and forth.
Sam stopped himself from rolling his eyes.
After another moment of silence, Amber spoke up. “So do you?”
“She’s a good friend,” was all he was willing to discuss with his eight-year-old niece. She was right, though. All he could think about today was the other night in the kitchen and how he wanted to kiss Nicole more now than before. If he were smart, he would stock up on condoms. If he were smart, he’d stay far away from Nicole Baxter.
The problem was, he couldn’t make Nicole stay away from him, and he wasn’t sure that’s what he wanted. He didn’t know what he wanted from her. Staying away from her wasn’t an option since they practically lived on top of each other and he needed her family’s help with his farm. But when she was near...his pulse raced, his body ached and all he wanted was to kiss her until she couldn’t find any more words.
“You need more friends. You smile more when you are with her,” Amber said before she raced ahead.
Friends... He’d be even more alone if he moved away.
Could he leave all this? The quiet moments under the protective trees. His niece’s laughter. Being close to his brothers. Above all, his mother had wanted them to stay together as a family. Sam had succeeded in bringing them back together, but he didn’t feel as if he deserved to be part of this family anymore.
He didn’t think they held grudges, but part of Brady must still hate him. Sam hated himself for what he’d done. He couldn’t change the past, but he could leave and try to find some new peace. Something of his own. Something that hadn’t been forced on him. A new life. A new beginning. New friends.
Amber giggled as Barnabus and Rebel greeted her, bringing him back to the present...and thoughts of Nicole. Nicole’s acceptance of him with all his faults echoed in his mind. Her smile hadn’t changed today. It was as open and inviting as ever. She didn’t hold his past against him.
“I call bathroom,” Amber shouted as she raced into the house.
He followed after her and cleaned his hands and face at the kitchen sink. The fields and barn drew his gaze out the kitchen window. A million what-ifs floated through his mind. What if he left here? What if he sold the farm and moved away from everything he’d ever known? What if he made his own way in the world?
“Ready.” Amber stood at the door, waiting.
He grabbed his keys, and they headed to the truck. The drive to Nicole’s took no time. As soon as they pulled up next to the house, Nicole came out. She wore a pair of shorts with a light green shirt that rivaled the color of her eyes. Her dark hair floated around her shoulders.
His heart swelled in his chest and he worried that he was having an episode, but it felt warm and pleasant. What if he went with her when she left Tawnee Valley? What if she wanted him to? What would that be like? To wake up every morning to her beautiful smile? To her eyes the colors of his fields in spring? To her dark hair spread on his pillow?
“Hey,” Nicole said as she took the front seat of his truck.
“Long time no see,” Sam said. His lips tugged into a smile without him trying.
Her face flushed with pleasure, and her grin grew. He liked making her happy.
“Do you like pepperoni pizza? Because that’s Uncle Sam’s and my favorite,” Amber piped up from the backseat.
“That’s my favorite, too,” Nicole said. She didn’t look at him quizzically or question his change in behavior. She didn’t look at him as if he had horns on the sides of his head because he didn’t talk much. She accepted him...the way he was. “I’m so hungry I could eat most of the pizza.”
“Maybe we should get two pepperoni pizzas, then,” Amber said.
“Maybe just a large.” Sam turned the truck around and headed for town.
An hour later, after a large pepperoni pizza and a stimulating conversation about school and the care and feeding of baby pigs, they were driving back out to the farm. Sometime after going under the viaduct along the way, Amber fell asleep in the backseat.
“Thank you,” Sam said quietly. He couldn’t think of how else to express his gratitude, even though the words didn’t seem big enough to describe how Nicole made him feel. “For today. For helping with Amber.”
“You would have figured it out yourself eventually.” Nicole turned in her seat to face him. She glanced in the backseat before continuing, “If you left here, what would you do?”
Sam gripped the steering wheel tighter. The world stretched out before him. The possibilities were endless. “I don’t know.”
“What if you leave and you find out what you want to do is farm?” Her fingers traced the dashboard.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you know why you want to leave?” Her tone wasn’t accusatory, just curious.
He turned down the road that led to his farm and her father’s. How could he make her understand? “You could be anything when you graduated high school, right?”
She shrugged. “Yeah.”
“What did you want to be?” He wanted to watch her face, but he kept his eyes on the road. Her expressive face was in his peripheral view. She was quick and would put things together, and when she did, it would show on her face. He liked watching her discover things.
“At first I wanted to be a scientist of some sort because science was one of my best subjects in high school. But I didn’t really enjoy the intro classes, so I took some classes in the business school and found I was good at numbers.” She stared out the window. A thousand miles away. What had she been like in high school and college? Did she like it? Would she change her experience if she could?
“When did you decide on forensic accounting?” He pulled into his drive but didn’t go down to the house. He stopped next to the field of feed corn, put the truck in Park and turned off the lights. Finally he could turn and see her expressions in the dim glow of the dashboard.
She scrunched up her nose. “I’m not sure. I guess it was junior year. We had some professional speakers who talked about what they did for a living, and someone mentioned they were looking for more specialized accountants, particularly forensic accountants. Of course, he never mentioned that you needed auditing experience before you could move into forensic accounting.”
He nodded and released his seat belt so he could turn to face her. “When I was eighteen, I headed to State to get a degree in agriculture because that’s what my parents expected of me. I had barely settled into my courses before my mother called me to tell me my father had a heart attack. I got home just in time to watch him die.”
Nicole reached across the truck and put her hand over his. Her warmth flowed through him. As much as he wanted to absorb that warmth and let it comfort him, he had to make her understand this. Had to make her understand why he was so messed up.
“I couldn’t leave my mother alone with Brady and Luke. Especially when she got sick.” His throat thickened, remembering how quickly she went downhill. “There was no way she could watch my brothers and run the farm. I had to leave college. I didn’t get the chance to explore anything else. And then she was gone and Brady left for college and it was just me and Luke.”
Nicole’s hand tightened on his, but she didn’t say anything. He checked on Amber, who was still fast asleep in the back, and swallowed the lump of emotion that had filled his throat.
“Luke was in trouble constantly. I knew that he was acting out. I knew he was in pain, but I didn’t know what to do. I was angry and tired and too young to be the father he needed at sixteen years old. Too young to deal with the principal who had been my principal only a few years before. Too young to handle my brother getting into fights. Who was I to tell him what to do or how to act? When I wanted to do the same thing? When I was just as confused and angry?”
“I’m sure you did your best.” Nicole’s voice was quiet and reassuring in the darkness.
“I don’t think I did. I was angry at my parents for leaving me with all this. The farm, the debt, my brothers. I was angry that they left me. I felt cheated and robbed of the life I was supposed to have. I did what I could to make sure my brothers weren’t robbed of their choices. But I ended up taking away their decisions.”
Nicole undid her seat belt and slid closer. She reached up and swept back a lock of hair from his forehead. She tsked and shook her head. “You are so willing to take the blame for your actions. Would you take a little credit, too?”
Her hand cupped the side of his face. “Look at your brothers. Brady has a family and a great job. He got the chance to live out his dream, and he managed to make it back to his family. What if he’d known about Amber? He would have had to leave his career to become a dad. He would have grown resentful with so many regrets about what could have been. Instead, he had the chance to choose his dream or a new dream with his family in it.
“And Luke is a doctor, and from what your family says, he’s very much in love with Penny. They are both happy. Maybe they had years of struggle, but they are happy now. Why won’t you let yourself be happy, too? You have brothers who love you. You have a niece who worships you.” She paused, her eyes swimming with emotion, before adding, “You have me.”
He glanced in the back at his young niece sleeping. He couldn’t give Amber back those years with her father that he’d taken away. He couldn’t give Luke back that time with Penny. In all those years between, he’d never found happiness for himself. He had worked and done what was required of him, but he’d never truly been happy. “I don’t know how to be happy.”
She leaned in with a reassuring smile. Her hand squeezed the back of his neck. “We can figure that out together.”
Her words tempted him, even as his mind kept saying he’d find a way to ruin her life as he’d ruined his brothers’ lives. But right now, all he could think about were her lips, how soft they were, and the sensations that slipped through him every time she was near.
He met her halfway and kissed her as if it were the first time and the last, savoring every moment, realizing that something had to change. Something would give eventually if he didn’t find a way to let her go. A slight ache in his heart made those thoughts vanish. Reminding him that he almost hadn’t had this time. He’d almost missed kissing Nicole, and that would have been the biggest tragedy in his life.
She pulled away and searched his eyes. “You deserve to be happy, Sam.”
That was the one thing he’d never had, never thought he deserved. In this darkened truck, parked near a field, he wanted to believe her.