ONE MONTH LATER
Call me stupid, but I was scared. What scared me? Everything! Mostly falling apart and losing him or keeping it together and losing myself.
Since Mark dropped the L-bomb a month ago, that word had swarmed in my mind. All that time before it, being around Mark was comfortable, fun, and easy, and I hadn’t honestly thought much about it—love. Fuck! I didn’t think I had ever felt it before. I knew he made love to me constantly, but for some reason, making love, as in slow sensual sex, and being in love were two different things in my mind. It didn’t click he was making love to me because he honestly loved me until he fucking said it.
His heavy arm wrapped tighter around my waist as he shifted in bed. I was lying on my back with my eyes wide open, my arms up, and my hair spread over the pillow. Mark was hugging me like a doll with his right arm over me, my legs in between his legs, his face next to my boob, and all curled up. Yes, it was warm, comfortable, and safe in his arms, but I couldn’t rest.
Mark was reliable, sweet, responsible, and hot, all in the same package, but he also was final, like the big shiny ribbon at the end of the race. At that moment, I felt like someone had given me a big-ass heavy trophy at the starting line and then asked me to run with it to the finish line. Something was off or terribly out of order. Yes, I had what I wanted—what anyone would wish to have—but it felt odd.
“Why aren’t you sleeping, babe?” Mark kissed my boob, tickling my skin with his beard, and I took a deep breath.
“I am. . . I need to go to work today.” No, I didn’t have to, more like I wanted to.
“But it is Saturday. You have worked a lot these past couple of weeks. You should take a rest, Dae.” Mark hugged me.
“But I want to finish my first draft. I got another two projects on the back burner, and I want to get them out as soon as possible,” I explained. It was sort of accurate. Truth be told, I had been avoiding him. Just a little. I would sleep with him and disappear in the morning, return late at night, and do it all over again.
“How about you go to work for just half a day, and we can spend the afternoon together? I already made plans for the day, but I can change them. Jemal and I will go work out, and then we’ll meet the guys for a game in the morning. I was thinking of bringing you with me so you could meet them, but since you are busy, I can pick you up after the game, and we can have a date,” he planned in his raspy voice, eyes still closed.
Phew! I dodged that bullet. The only friend I had met was Jemal. His entire family knew me already, and having everyone in his life know me had me shitting bricks. At one point, I wouldn’t be able to walk around without finding someone on the street who knew I was his girl.
Just like people with children seem to lose their identities and names to become Mom and Dad, I was afraid to be Mark’s girl and not Dae any longer. Stupid? Yes. But those small things could freeze me in place.
“Maybe another day?” I excused myself again. He deserved better. I was doing the ostrich thing and avoiding the topic by avoiding all topics with him. Every time he tried to have a conversation, I would dart out of the room, saying I had to work. I moved the blankets off our bodies and then his arm so I could stand up.
“I’ll shower before I go.” I stood and picked an outfit to take with me to the bathroom.
“Want me to shower with you?” Mark offered, but I turned him down.
“Nah, it’s okay. Just rest.” I waved a hand, but he sat on the bed anyway and groaned like a bear.
“I’ll make you breakfast before you go.” He stood, and I felt awful.
“You don’t have to, really. . .” I nearly pouted. I wasn’t dumb, nor was he. Mark knew I was distant and cold.
“I want to, babe. I’ll make you something simple. To go. You always get something to go.” He pointed out while stretching his back. Maybe that was his way of telling me he had noticed, but he was still trying to be sweet with me. Gosh! Why did he have to be so cute? My heart hurt, and I couldn’t tell whether it was in the wrong or right way. I had to get my head out of my ass and get my shit together.
After ensuring I had all I needed, I took a quick shower, got ready, and grabbed the breakfast he placed in a brown bag for me. Before leaving his house, I gave Mark a quick kiss and an awkward half-hug. He stood by the front door, shirtless, with his hands in his gray sweatpants pocket, and watched me back up the car and leave.
I felt it. In the pit of my stomach, I felt that what I was doing was wrong, and still, I couldn’t stop doing it. I knew I wanted to be with him, yet I was moving further away.
While I drove to the firm, I couldn’t help but think of all the possible things that had me acting so stupidly. There shouldn’t be any. Nothing truly significant, at least. The only things that bothered me were small or out of his control.
Back at the surprise party, Mark guarded me like a watchdog and didn’t leave my side for a second. Jackson couldn’t get closer, even with how much he wanted to take me aside and talk with me. I was glad. I didn’t want to deal with him anytime soon. At the moment, I couldn’t even count the times I had ignored phone calls from unknown numbers to avoid listening to his hideous voice saying he was sorry one more time.
Did I tell Mark his sister’s husband was still hitting on me? No, I didn’t. Should I have? Maybe, but their child was just born, and I didn’t want to be the one tossing shit at the fan. If Audrey lost her support right after childbirth because of me, I wouldn’t forgive myself.
Being “official” with Mark meant I had to face Jackson, and I didn’t like it. He was already married to Audrey, and he was Mark’s nephew’s father. That would make me, what, my ex-boyfriend’s baby’s aunt? That meant I had to see his stupid face for as long as I stayed with Mark, and I dreaded it with all my might.
Family meetings would suck some major ass, and I wasn’t up for it. Mark did end up talking to his sister, but at my request, he omitted my role in that shitshow. He told her he didn’t like Jackass, that he was not a man she should trust, and that she could do better. Audrey was a grownup—she had to make her own choices, and we couldn’t meddle much in them.
Was all this bullshit? Yeah, it was. Was this Mark’s fault? Nah, not at all.
Arriving at my work, I found the place as deserted as expected. I went in, placed all my stuff on my desk, and plummeted onto my chair.
What would his family say if they knew about me and Jackson? Would that become a taking sides kind of situation? Would they look down on Audrey, or would they look down on me? I didn’t want to mess with them. They seem to be so close and loving. I didn’t want to be the jerk screwing things up for them, ruining the mood at every family gathering for endless years to come. Mark’s family was ridiculously sweet, but that’s what they were—a family. You simply didn’t fuck around with family.
Seriously!
Involving the families was as serious as it could get, and we already had that. Well, on his side. Mark would soon start getting suspicious if I didn’t bring him home with me. Was Mark expecting to meet Eomma and Appa? He hadn’t said a thing about it, not even a hint, but I was sure he must have thought about it.
I had never mentioned him to them, and it would be awkward as fuck to all of a sudden show up at home with a giant. Hell, not even I showed my face around my home much. For sure, Eomma would do the most awkward interrogation, even ask him for his salary and bank balance. I didn’t want to put Mark on the spot like that.
Pretending I could concentrate on my work, I turned the computer on.
Appa would love him, though. I could picture him proudly patting Mark’s back with wide smiles on both of their faces. Oppa would give a flying flat fuck, that was for sure. It wasn’t as if he would be around much, anyway. The idea of Mark at my home drinking coffee next to my Appa wasn’t that scary after all.
With a smile on my face, I began to work. My phone rang shortly after I started, and I ignored it. I knew it was him, but I didn’t pick it up. I just stared at it until it stopped ringing. Time flew, and by the time evening fell, I had drafted all I had to and organized my computer and desk twice. For some reason, I kept lingering around the office, dreading the thought of returning to Mark’s home and treating him the same way again. I hated myself for it.
A second after I picked up my stuff and was ready to go, the phone rang one more time. That time, I picked it up and tried to sound busier than I was.
“Yes, babe, tell me.” I sat back on my chair and began to type harshly on the keyboard to have background sounds accompanying my sham.
“Dae. . . are you okay?” His voice was soft.
“Yeah, why?”
“Nothing, just asking. Dae, will you be off any time soon?” he wondered. It sounded as if he was outside. I could hear people talking beside him. I answered as if I wasn’t interested in this conversation.
“Yeah, I think I can make it out in twenty. Why?” I kept typing.
“I want us to talk when you get home,” Mark mentioned, and I froze.
Yikes! Oh, fuck!
I didn’t think I was ready for the big conversation just yet—to put what I was feeling in words and to take that step. It wasn’t the right time for me, so I did the usual Dae thing and avoided it. This time, I gulped before I spoke. That lie hurt me to utter.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you. I told Aanya I would spend time with her tonight, so I’ll be at my apartment. Don’t wait for me, I’ll sleep there. . .”
“Aanya?” Mark asked, with a tone in his voice I couldn’t decipher.
“Yes, she nearly begged me to be with her.” Lies, all lies. I bit my lip while clutching my sweater.
Please don’t ask more questions.
“Dae. . .” Mark began but then took a long pause. I felt my heartbeat pulse in my ears while I waited for him to speak. “Never mind. Have fun with Aanya. Call me when you get to your apartment.” He hung up.
He sounded somewhere between sad and angry. Mark hung up the phone before I could say bye, leaving a horrible taste in my mouth. It was the first time Mark had cut me off like that, and it sort of hurt me.
I sat at my desk for a few more minutes, feeling like the piece of shit I had been acting like. Why was it costing me so much to fucking say it? Why couldn’t I do the normal thing and have that conversation with him?
Dragging my feet, I walked to my car and drove to my apartment. After taking the elevator to our floor, I opened the front door to find all the lights off.
“Aanya?” I called my friend but got no reply. Opening her bedroom door, I found it was empty. With my head low, I walked to my room and dropped onto my bed. While barely removing my face from the mattress, I retrieved my phone from my back pocket and searched for her phone number. The phone rang about six times before she picked it up.
“Hi, woman!” my friend cheered. She sounded way too happy, so I immediately knew she must have been out drinking.
“Hi, babe, where are you?” I spoke without a single ounce of energy in my body. I was sort of hoping my friend could use all her psychology training to fix me in one night, but that was out the window now. Drunken Aanya was not a good counselor.
“Dae! The question is, where the fuck are you? I’m here with Mark and Jemal. It’s Jemal’s birthday, so we went out for drinks.” My heart stopped, and I jumped up, sitting on my ass. This couldn’t be happening. “They invited their old teammates, and let me tell you. . .” Aanya threw a kiss at the speaker. “Some of them are yummy!” My friend rambled and laughed, completely unaware I was having a heart attack.
“You what?” I screamed, feeling my heart in my throat.
“Yeah, why aren’t you here yet?” That clueless woman asked, and I covered my face with my hand. No wonder he was so pissed. How the fuck was I supposed to fix this? What other lies could I make?
“I. . .” I freaked out. “Was that a last-minute thing?” I rubbed my face, trying to understand the situation better so I could plot something, anything.
“No, girl. We planned this about four days ago. Why?” Fuck! There was no way she would ask me to stay here with her! Fuck! I was so fucked! He knew I was lying.
“Ah, shit!” I groaned, falling back on my bed and pulling my hair.
“What’s wrong with you, whore?”
“Nothing. Is Mark there?”
“Yeah, he is drinking a lot, actually!” She laughed. “Oh, Dae, I think he is drunk as fuck!” Aanya chuckled. “Someone will have to drive his ass home.” She was snickering, and I felt like someone had thrown a bucket of ice water over me. Double fuck!
Be there for me when I need you. It’s how it works, right?
His words came back to me, and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I had to be there for him.
“Give me the address. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I stood and looked for a pen and paper. Aanya mumbled the name of the bar, and I had to search for it on the internet. Thankfully, they weren’t too far away.
Taking my purse and a change of clothes, I returned to my car and drove to the establishment. It was packed, so I had to park far from the entrance. Sitting in the car, I gripped the steering wheel until it screeched and gave myself a little pep talk.
“Come on, bitch! You got this. Come on, Dae! The man loves you. All you have to do is not let him down. Tell him how you feel. It’s just three words, not a marriage contract with tons of binding clauses and a lifelong commitment.” I felt sick. Nervous sick. I needed air.
“Fuck!” I opened the door. I couldn’t sit my ass in this car for much longer.
With my bag clutched to my arm, I walked to the bar. The first thing that hit me when the doors were open was the loud music. A live rock performance at the restaurant’s far end had a small crowd gathered around them. Walking away from the biggest commotion, I searched for a quieter place and moved closer to the stools along the bar. The light was dim, and people were moving in all directions and bumping into me. I kept walking until I went around the long rectangular bar.
There he was. Mark was sitting by himself, with a drink in his hand and his head resting on his forearm. For a brief moment, he glanced my way. I was about to lift a hand to say hi, but he looked away and chugged his drink. I wasn’t wrong. He saw me.
“Finally! My whore is here!” Aanya screamed, threw her arm around me, and pulled me into a side hug. Yep, she was tipsy. I hugged her back and patted her.
“Okay! Okay! Easy there.” I helped her get her balance back. I would have stayed with her, but I needed to go to him first. Pushing her back, I searched for her blushed face.
“Aanya, I have to go to Mark. Okay?” I yelled, and she leaned closer.
“What?” my best friend screamed over the loud music.
“I have to go to Mark!” I pointed his way. “Now.” I let her go and stepped back. Putting a hand on her forehead, Aanya gave me a salute, then toddled back to the group of guys behind us.
I waited until she returned to their table before taking shy steps toward Mark. He had his head over the bar, and for a second, I thought he was asleep. I stepped close to him and was about to touch him when he spoke.
“How is the sleepover with Aanya going?” He stammered his words and pointed in her direction. I looked her way and saw my crazy friend doing a double love shot with two guys.
Damn!
“Yeah, sorry about that. I got confused with the dates,” I lied through my teeth and bit my lip. He knew. He was drunk but not an idiot. Mark nodded.
“Yeah, sure. . .” Mark called bullshit. He must have been pissed, and rightfully so—maybe even hurt. That thought got me. Okay, I felt lower than shit. I exhaled, swallowed my shame, and took his arm.
“Come, let’s take you home, big guy.”
“Home?” Mark released a dark laugh. Okay, he might be taking this worse than I thought he would.
“Here, let me help you,” a familiar, deep voice said behind me, and I stepped back. Jemal grabbed Mark’s arm and helped him stand. “Come on, dude, up.” He put Mark’s arm over his shoulder, then looked at me. “Where to?”
“Oh! My car is far away. Let me drive it to the entrance.” I began to run. “Wait for me at the door!” I screamed as I raced out of the bar. I made it to my car and drove to the entrance, where Jemal was already waiting for me. Stepping out of the car, I opened the door for them. Remembering he would not fit, I moved the seat back as far as it could go.
“Okay!” I announced, with my chest heaving from the running.
“Here we go, man.” Jemal helped Mark sit on the passenger seat and closed the door.
“Thank you so much, and. . . happy birthday,” I said while holding my hands together and fidgeting with my fingers. I couldn’t even look into Jemal’s eyes.
“Thanks!” he mentioned, then we awkwardly paused. I rubbed my arms.
“Umm, Aanya. . .” I pointed at the bar.
“We are switching drunken friends today. You take mine, I’ll take yours. No worries. I’ll make sure Crazy gets home all right.” Jemal reassured me, and I smiled. Good! I didn’t have to worry about her. She was in good hands.
“You know. . . I haven’t seen him get this hammered since college. Is everything good?” Mark’s best friend asked, and I didn’t know how to respond. What was I supposed to say? That I was freaking out because it was the very first time I felt this way, and it scared me shitless? I just nodded.
“Yeah. . .” I said in a low tone, not sounding very convincing. Jemal said nothing else. He just patted me on the shoulder and went back inside. I walked back to the driver’s seat and drove us home.
All along the way, Mark seemed asleep, so I didn’t bother him. As soon as I parked the car, I took my seatbelt off and got ready to move him. Before I could touch him, he woke, like back from the dead. Mark stepped out of the car without saying a word and slammed the door. Taking my purse, I followed him.
When I arrived at his side, Mark was attempting to open the door, but he couldn’t. Wanting to help him, I grabbed the keys from his hand and unlocked it for him. As soon as the door swung open, Mark pulled his shirt off and tossed it aside. He kept taking everything off and tossing it around until he was down to his boxers. I locked the door, then picked up the trail of items one by one that led me to his room.
Mark had let his body fall on his bed, face down, taking most of the space, and lay there like the dead. Walking to him, I pulled his socks off, then struggled to get the comforter from under his body to cover him. Once I did, I took my pants off and sneaked into the corner of the bed, covering both of us.
I felt him shift and then groan before he reached for me and wrapped his arms around my waist. Mark spooned me, like he did every night, hugged me, and kissed my neck.
“I can’t fuck you,” he muttered in a broken voice, and I patted his arm.
“You are drunk, Mark, just rest,” I whispered.
“Aren’t you leaving me?” he asked, his voice failing him again. That time, I spoke louder.
“No! I’m not leaving,” I kept patting his arm, afraid to know how much he was hurting. He spoke again.
“But you don’t want to talk to me or be around. . .” He pointed out, nearly losing his consciousness. Yes, I was definitely hurting him badly.
“I. . . Mark, I. . .” I tried to speak, but nothing came out. Saying those three words was harder than I thought it would be. He cut me off.
“Don’t talk, Dae. I know you don’t want to, anyway.” Mark held me tighter. “And in the morning, you’ll be fucking gone.” His voice broke one last time, and then we fell into complete silence.