The alarm sounded for the first time since I had been here, and I opened my eyes. My arms freely moved around, not feeling anything beside me but empty sheets.
He wasn’t there.
I laid back with my sight trained on the ceiling, afraid to turn my head and confirm what I already knew. Inside my chest, a big bubble of emptiness inflated, creating an uncomfortable pressure I knew I couldn’t blame on anyone but myself.
Sitting up, I moved the sheets aside and scooted to the corner so I could put my feet down. Mark had left a note on the nightstand that said he had to work early today. I picked it up and stared at it for longer than I should have.
Perfect. It was him then, the one avoiding me. . .
Getting up, I went to shower and left without breakfast. I arrived at my work early and sat at my desk for about an hour before I could concentrate on a single task. All my thoughts were consumed by him, by how we spoke last night, the pain in his voice, and the disappointment in his eyes.
This was wrong. I was wrong.
Mark could have been thinking anything about me, that I was cheating included. I acted so fucking shady that even I was looking over my shoulder to see if there was another guy around. I should have called him and told him it wasn’t like that, but if I wasn’t with Aanya, who was I with? Was his “at work early” note his way of showing me he was jealous?
I should have written him a text message or said something, but I didn’t. I sat my ass in my office chair and worried about everything until it made me feel physically sick. Since my stomach was bubbling gas nonstop, I skipped lunch and forced myself to eat something simple for dinner.
Unlike every other day, Mark didn’t send me a single text message or call me. For most of the day, I nervously glanced at the cell phone on the desk, but the screen never lit up with his name. To be honest, I didn’t think I had the guts to answer if he did. What would I say? Sorry, I’m frightened, and I don’t want to lose you, so I’m stepping back, but. . . I want you near?
Not even I could understand myself. If I was him, I would tell myself to fuck off!
Instead of going to his house, I went to mine. He didn’t call. Aanya returned late, and I pretended I was sleeping so she wouldn’t talk to me. I had to sit with that woman and have a serious conversation, but not today. I needed someone to hug me and tell me it would be okay. That Mark would not hate me for not knowing I was in lo—
“Dae!” Aanya shook my shoulder, and I squeezed my eyes closed. “Are you up?” she whispered, but I didn’t reply. I was even afraid to breathe.
“You left the cereal box open, you whore!” my best friend whispered again, brushing a string of my hair behind my ear and then kissing my forehead. I didn’t know Aany was so sweet when I wasn’t conscious. Desisting, she left my room and closed the door.
I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake, missing the warmth and hairy arms that had embraced me for months. Holy fuck, this sucked ass! How the fuck did I sleep without him before in my life?
For the first time, a tear rolled down my cheek, and I rubbed my face on the pillow to dry it. The need I felt to have him near and wrapped around me was bigger than my shame. I made up my mind. I was going to talk to him today.
Waking up early, I was determined to finish things up sooner rather than later and then have that long-overdue conversation with him. I needed to tell him about Jackson, hoping he wouldn’t go on a murder rampage. We needed to talk about Audrey and what it would mean for our future. And I needed to tell him how I felt and how much I cared for him. This bitch was determined to put on her big girl pants and fucking do it. I had to.
Motivated as fuck, I worked like a maniac until lunchtime, then took a rest. Usually, I would swallow whatever food I could find at my desk, but today, I left the building to buy lunch and a smoothie. I needed peace and relaxation, even if it was for a lousy hour, so I took my time to eat. I was going to need it to keep my cool during the evening.
Getting back to my office, I dropped my purse on my desk and immediately heard a knock on my low cubicle divider. Tucker was standing next to me with a fucking smirk.
“What?” I spat, rolling my eyes before glancing his way as one looked at a Karen demanding to talk to the manager.
“I was right all along.” He took a step closer, dropping his tone. My cell phone rang, and I dipped my hand inside my purse and pressed the end call button before looking at the caller. I focused my attention back on him.
“What?” I repeated the question and the gesture.
“I knew it. It was way too good to be true. Wasn’t it?” Tucker kept talking as if he were gossiping, and I looked away and blinked twice. I could feel my chest expanding with the deep breath that held me from becoming a gremlin.
“Tucker, you will have to be more specific.” I cynically smiled. He walked even closer.
“The fact that someone like you got such an important account and that they gave you a promotion for it never made sense. I knew there was something shady,” he mentioned, and I groaned.
Not again with the same shit!
I stood my ground and stared into his eyes. “Stop with your impertinence.” I pointed at my chest. “I earned my promotion because I worked hard, I’m talented, and someone finally noticed the value I can contribute to this firm.”
“Oh! Did you, really?” he arrogantly asked, raising one side of his hideously thin lips.
“Did I, what?” Again! He was driving me nuts with all the “secrecy.” Fucking talk already, chicken!
“Earned it.” Tucker’s stupid smirk somehow widened, and I wished I could slap it off of his ugly face. He walked back to his office and pointed at Mr. Brown’s door. I moved my eyes in that direction and saw his door close. From inside, I could hear a set of voices.
“It’s our pleasure to have you with us today,” Mason mentioned, then laughed so fakely it was cringe-worthy. Tucker left with a bounce to his steps as if he was taking a victory lap.
The thing was not with me, so I didn’t give one flying fuck. I was about to sit in my chair when Mr. Brown’s door swung open, and he popped his head out.
“Dae, would you mind coming over? There is someone I would like you to meet.” Mason Brown smiled widely and winked as if it was Christmas morning. Hesitantly, I took my cell phone and walked closer. Mr. Brown moved aside from his door frame to let me in.
“I would like you to meet our client. The very same person who commissioned this exceptional project to you.” Mason waved his hand, and then I saw him. The first thing I noticed was his fucking blond hair, and that was all I needed to have my stomach turning. “Mr. Jackson Hoffman.” Mason introduced him as if I hadn’t sucked his dick before. I dropped my head.
“Fuck!” I muttered.
“Excuse me?” Mr. Brown asked, but I didn’t reply. Jackson stood.
“Mason, will you excuse us? I would love to have a private conversation with this talented architect. There is so much I’m grateful for.” Jackson excused, and Mr. Brown’s mouth hung open like a fish out of water before he nodded and left, closing the door behind him.
This was it. Tucker must have fucking known, and he was right. I then realized it. I never truly earned this opportunity. It was handed to me. That hurt. All that pride I felt before for my biggest achievement so far turned into an enormous pile of shame.
“Please sit.” Jackson moved a chair closer, and my eyelids dropped, letting a tear escape my eyes. My cell phone rang in my hands, and I once more hung up the call without sparing it a glance.
“Why?” I asked in a low tone that pained me to voice.
He inhaled sharply. “You gave me no other choice, Dae. I had wanted to talk with you for months, but you never took my calls. What else was I supposed to do?” Jackson whispered, and I closed my shaking fist. It was a charade. All my hard work, all the sacrifices—it was all a joke to him. He made me put all my time, energy, and hopes into building the home he would live in with his family. I minutely shook my head.
“I feel like shit, Dae.” He sniffed. “I never got a chance to tell you how sorry I was for all of this.” Jackson also stared at the floor.
“Why?” I cried a murmur and covered my mouth. A knot formed in my throat, making it difficult to talk.
“Dae. . .”
“Why did you have to make a fool out of me?” I clenched my jaw and moved my dismayed eyes up to meet his. His blue eyes were glassy, and so were mine.
“What are you talking about?” Jackson furrowed his brows, reaching over, trying to hold my hand. I slapped it away.
“People will forever think I slept my way into a promotion. With a married man, nonetheless.” I brushed my hair back and crossed my arms in front of my chest. Inside, I felt empty—the kind of emptiness that hurt to acknowledge.
“No! That was not. . . Look at me, Dae! You are talented, and like me, many others love your work. I have always admired you and all the great things you could create. When we were together, I felt so fucking proud to have you, to call you mine. I always knew I wanted to live in a home designed by you. I thought we would live in it together. We still can.” He tried to touch my face, and I moved back.
How dare he?
“Motherfucker!” I whispered in between greeted teeth, afraid someone in the office would hear our conversation. My cell phone rang, and I hung up once more.
“I made a big mistake. I didn’t have to marry Audrey. I could have just assumed responsibility for the child and paid her child support. We could have done all this together if I had stayed with you. We can be a family.”
I couldn’t even. Was he fucking nuts? Had he lost his fucking mind? Me, helping him raise a child he had when cheating?
“The only way you and I will become part of the same family is when I marry Mark.” My lips trembled. Yeah, I just said that.
“That mechanic? Are you for real, Dae?” he mentioned in a bitter tone I could recognize for what it was. Envy.
I nodded. “For real. He showed me all the things I never had with anyone else. Things you couldn’t buy with money, even if you were the richest person in the world,” I explained.
“But you wanted to marry me. I know that! Do you think I didn’t get all your indirect comments about it? All the times you said a ring would look great on that finger, the times you jokingly called yourself Mrs. Hoffman?” Jackson argued, and he wasn’t wrong. For the longest time, I thought I wanted that.
“Do you think I never bought that ring for you?” He placed a hand inside his pocket and took a small black box from it. I slapped it off his hands before he could even open it.
“Look, you moron, I never loved you, and if we are honest, you never loved me either. I don’t know what to call what we had, but love wasn’t it.” I shook my head. The cell phone rang, and I silenced it again.
“Time wasn’t a thing I had the luxury to spare, but I loved you. I still love you. I won’t lie, Dae. It hurts like hell to see you with him. I’m jealous, and I can’t control it. You made a complete fool out of yourself in front of all his family, but I can look past that. Let’s forget the last five months ever happened and get back together.” He continued his brain-dead comments in a low, whispery tone I tried to match so I wouldn’t lose the rest of my reputation in this firm.
“Look, the only thing I liked about you was the idea of the life I would have with you. The commodities and status, but now I know it was all a bunch of unimportant bullshit.” Jackson got angry at that confession. I couldn’t blame him. I straight told him to his face I was a gold digger.
“Were you really that shallow?” he looked down on me.” It only took minutes after I left you for you to replace me with the first dick you stumbled upon.” He sarcastically laughed. “Whore!” Jackson gritted his teeth.
The moment he saw my face, his eyes shot open, and his demeanor changed. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. . .” he began, and I shut him up with a bitch slap across his face. Whoever was eavesdropping on the other side of that door heard it. The palm of my hand was warm and tingly afterward.
“I might have stayed next to you thinking my life would be easier, but I never, not even once, cheated or even thought about another man. During those miserable hours a week you so begrudgingly gave me, I gave my all. I let you use me as a sex toy, and we were so fucking distant that I never could form a genuine connection with you.” I stepped back. “And I’m fucking glad for it. You are nothing but trash.” I stood straight, realizing how Aanya was right, and I had fucking dodged a bullet.
The cell phone rang again. “Not fucking now!” I mouthed and turned it off. Jackson still had a hand on his cheek.
“Okay, I deserved that one. As I said, I’m jealous,” he made an excuse for the brief moment he let his real self show.
“What you truly are is a fucking idiot! You are self-centered, selfish, egocentric, and entitled. Don’t do it to get me back because that will never happen, but do divorce Audrey before Mark skins you alive because—and trust me in this—he will. I won’t keep your constant calls and advances a secret any longer. Before, I didn’t want to upset him with nonsense like you, but now I will rely on him. When they learn about what happened between us, I’m sure neither Mark nor his family will want you around her. Audrey will have us supporting her,” I said, then halted and laughed. “Fuck me!” I put both hands on my hips. “After all, I might still end up caring for and helping your child.” I kept laughing like a madwoman.
“Are you telling me I’ll have to live my life seeing the only girl I’ve ever wanted this much in the arms of my child’s uncle?” He stepped closer, speaking through his teeth.
“Yeah, that, and build a life, and maybe one day, far in the future, have our own children.” I smiled for the first time, not feeling nervous about a real future with Mark. One I would gladly be next to him for the rest of my life. I looked at Jackson.
“I’ll do the professional thing and move on. Once your home is done, I will reject the promotion they offered and wait for an honest chance. If this firm can’t value my work without your money on it, I’ll move to another one.” I used a menacing finger to point at his chest. “But I won’t allow your name to cast a shadow over mine. There is no way I’ll leave room for anyone to believe I only became successful because I slept with a man.” I shook my head. “Not after all I have worked and sacrificed.” I made that clear.
“Dae.”
“I’m being serious. Back the fuck off. Stay away from my work and from my life. If an interaction is needed in either of those fields, we’ll keep it short and to the point.” I got closer to the door, and he stopped me.
“And what am I supposed to do with how I feel about you?” he asked as if I would care.
“Shove it up your ass, Jackson!” I opened the door and sat in my cubicle. Most of my coworkers stood in a corner, probably gossiping about me with Tucker in the middle of them with the same smirk he had before. By then, they all probably thought I was a cheap slut.
After a few minutes, Jackson left, but I didn’t look his way. I couldn’t lie, this felt like shit. I felt as if I had crossed an ocean swimming just to get killed by a falling coconut on the shore. Fucking pathetic. There wasn’t anything else I wanted to do but go to Mark and hug him for hours.