Hours passed, and I could still hear the murmurs and chimes from their phones as they sent themselves text messages. Years of working hard, and it only took five minutes to lose all credibility in front of them.
That was it! I couldn’t fuck myself working anymore for people who didn’t even care about me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. I would have to start living my life. Working my ass off for a future where Mark wasn’t around to hold me in his arms wasn’t worth it anymore.
Sick and tired of all the shit I went through and of not knowing what was being said behind my back, I packed up my stuff and headed out. I had to go to Mark’s home. Losing my promotion wouldn’t change anything. It wasn’t what I cared for the most any longer. Plan A was still a go. I would get home and talk my heart out. I would open my mouth and let everything fall out, like a drunken teen puking their guts out in the middle of a frat party. If I had my hesitations before, looking at Jackson’s fucked-up face ended every single one.
When I arrived at the building’s exit, I encountered a torrential rain darkening the scenery. Still, I didn’t let it stop me. I put my bag over my head and ran to my car. Once in, I tossed my bag on the passenger seat, and all my things fell to the floorboard. Leaning over the seat, I picked up as many things as I could reach for and carelessly tossed them back inside the bag.
After putting the wipers on at the fastest speed, I put the car in drive and left. The drive to Mark’s took forever. The visibility on the road was low, so people had slowed down. When I arrived at his house, I saw his tow truck and smiled like a child when they saw an ice cream truck—ear to ear. He was home!
I parked my car next to his truck as well as I could, maybe going a little onto his lawn. Okay, a lot over. Mark had left his garage door open, but it didn’t seem like I had enough space to park there. It was as if Mark had moved things around and left some boxes in the middle.
Putting my bag over my lap, I searched for his house keys to have them ready. When I found them, I opened my door and did the same thing I did back at work—put my bag over my head and ran for it.
As I tried to insert the key in the lock, the door moved, swinging open. Stepping inside, I put the keys in my pocket, took my shoes off and then closed the door. The place looked dark, so I turned the lights on and jumped out of my skin. Mark was sitting on his sofa, staring at a wall.
“Holy fuck! You scared me!” I laughed, putting a hand over my chest, but he didn’t react. Mark didn’t even look my way. I walked to the kitchen and put my bag on the counter. “You won’t believe what happened today,” I said, hoping this would be the best way to start this conversation about Jackson. I took my earrings off and put them next to the bag.
“I called you,” Mark said from the living room. His tone was way darker than usual. I patted my pants pockets, and it wasn’t there. I opened my bag to look for it, and it wasn’t there either. My cell phone must have been under my car’s passenger seat or something like that.
“Why didn’t you pick up the phone?” Mark asked again, using a serious, dark tone, and then I remembered. I turned it off.
Oh shit!
“You will not believe it, but my phone died on me. It’s been a pretty shitty day,” I lied. I didn’t want him to think I dismissed the calls on purpose. He called me at the worst moment, then I forgot to turn it back on.
I looked at him from the kitchen, and he was still in the same place, not even sparing a glance at me. He repeated his question.
“Why didn’t you pick up the phone, Dae?”
“I told you, it died,” I repeated my lie, this time in a softer tone. Mark shook his head.
“Do you really think I can’t tell when someone is hanging up the fucking phone on the other side?” His tone remained dark but calm. He sounded angry.
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t think much of it. Is that. . . At that time. . . Someone came to the office today and—.” He cut me off.
“I needed you, Dae,” Mark said in a lower tone that broke at the end. “I needed you, and you weren’t there.”
My arms hung limply to my side. I got worried. “Mark, I—”
“I wasn’t asking much. I just needed to hear your voice,” he declared in a shaky tone and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
“What happened?” I rushed over to his side and saw he was crying.
Oh, shit!
Had he been crying all this time? What happened?
“Mark?” I sat next to him, reaching for his face to touch him, but he moved my hand away. He wasn’t even looking my way.
“I had a horrible day,” he cried, rubbing his eyes, and my heart sank.
“Mark, I didn’t know.” I could feel the tears forming in my eyes as well. It hurt me to see him like this.
“How would you? You’re never around anymore. You don’t fucking care, Dae. As long as you get fucked, nothing else matters. Am I right?” Mark spat, gritting his teeth and avoiding my gaze.
What the fuck? No! That wasn’t what I cared about. My chest hurt.
“Mark, no, it’s not like that.”
“They all died!” His sobs made him shudder, and I didn’t know what to do. I froze. I wanted to hug him, but he moved my hands away before. He didn’t want me to touch him. What was I supposed to do?
“What are you talking about? Who died?” I whispered, finding it hard to speak. He kept his head low.
“It was a fucking accident, the worst I have ever seen. The call was made, and I was close by, like very close, so I got there first. It was a three-car accident. The car that got it worse had an entire family inside.” He paused, taking in a shaky breath, gathering his strength to continue. “The parents and the baby in the car seat must have died on impact, but the child was still breathing.” Mark cried. “He was fucking breathing.” I covered my mouth.
“The police officers and I tried to take him out, but we couldn’t. The door was so damaged that it wouldn’t open, and the car was upside down. All I could do was hold his small hand through the broken window and ask him to stay with me.” He cried again, and when he moved his hand to dry his tears, I saw his cuts. Mark took a deep breath before he said the next thing.
“His small chest stopped moving right before the paramedics arrived.” Mark swallowed hard, and more tears rolled down his cheeks.
“I’m so sorry, Mark.” My voice broke, and he shook his head.
“Nah, you’re not.” He once again used his anger-filled tone.
“Mark—”
“You’re not sorry, Dae.” He kept shaking his head. “I was an idiot for believing one day you would change. That’s on me,” he lamented, and I didn’t quite understand what he meant to say.
“I know I have been distant during the last month, but I—” I tried to explain my messed-up situation, but he didn’t let me finish.
“This is over,” Mark said dryly, staring at the wall.
My heart stopped. I must not have heard him right. “What’s over?” I whispered that question. I didn’t think I was even breathing.
Mark paused for longer than usual before he answered.
“Us, Dae. We are over.” His blue eyes landed on the floor, and another tear rolled. This couldn’t be happening.
“No, wait! We can talk. I can. . .” I panicked, with my chest heaving.
“You can, what, Dae? Lie to me all the time and expect me to suck it? Spend the nights here rent-free and get the free fuck-and-meal combo?” He shook his head. “Leave my house, Dae.” He didn’t look my way. He hadn’t looked my way, not even once.
“Mark, that’s not what this is. I have never used you.” I tried to touch his arm, but he moved my hand away again.
He snorted with a dark, sarcastic laugh. Mark rubbed his face and pulled his beard, annoyed. “Dae, you have done nothing but use me from the very beginning.”
No! That wasn’t true!
We dated, and we did things together. He offered his help, and I took it, but I wasn’t using him. What had him thinking that way? I was so confused.
“What are you talking about?”
“Never mind. I’m too tired to deal with your bullshit tonight. Go.” He sighed, rubbing his face once more.
“B-but we need to talk. I want to talk.” I pouted, feeling my tears dripping down my jaw. Placing my hands over my lap, I fidgeted with my fingers. I wanted to touch him.
“We need to talk? Now?” Mark asked sarcastically.
“Yes, we need to talk. There is so much I want to tell you. I want us to talk about Audrey, about Jackson, about us, about me. There is so much I want to tell you about me.” I pleaded with a hand placed over my chest.
“Not everything is about you, Dae. I waited a month to talk to you, and you fucking ignored me. Nah! I ain’t fucking talking to you. Go and take all your shit with you.” Mark harshly pointed toward the door. “Make sure you leave nothing behind. I don’t want to see anything around this house reminding me of you.” Mark stood and walked out of the living room. I kept my hand on my chest, clutching my shirt, and hyperventilated. More tears escaped my eyes, and I couldn’t even wipe them.
“I’m sorry, Mark. I’m so sorry. Let’s work this out, okay?” I implored with my eyes fixed on the floor, fighting the knot in my throat. He didn’t reply. I looked behind me to find him showing his back to me.
“Mark?” I called him, but he didn’t answer. Mark leaned down and took my shoes, then went to the kitchen and grabbed my bag.
“Mark?” I tried once more, but he ignored me again. Standing up, I walked to him. I wanted nothing but to touch him and have him look into my eyes. I needed him to hug me and tell me it would be okay, that we would be okay, but instead, he shoved my things into my arms. Wrapping my shaky arms around them, I held them.
“Mark, it’s not what you think. I was scared,” I confessed, and this time, two tears rolled down from both of my eyes. He nodded.
“You were afraid a simple, non-rich man like me would thwart your plans, weren’t you?” he said, and I cried harder, hugging my shoes and bag so they wouldn’t fall.
“No! It’s nothing like that!” I sobbed. This time, he did look into my eyes, but they weren’t the loving eyes I remembered. Not any longer.
“Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me to my face money wasn’t the reason you doubted me?” Mark stared into my eyes, and I could only see anger. All the love and tenderness I had grown to love during our time together were gone.
“It wasn’t.” I cried, nearly losing my voice. “It wasn’t like that, Mark.”
“Then why were you so ready to marry that motherfucker Jackson? Why weren’t you scared then, Dae? You were more than ready to move on with him, even when he treated you like fucking shit! I brought you home, treated you right, gave you all of me, and you treated me like a fucking booty call! A fucking Tinder date could get more affection in one night than what you offered me last month, Dae,” Mark raged, and I couldn’t reply. He was right. I was thinking of moving on with Jackson. I treated him horribly during the last month. Mark didn’t know. I had to tell him.
“I have feelings for you, Mark, feelings I never had for Jackson or anyone else. It’s just that, it’s—” I tried to speak once more, but he wouldn’t let me finish.
“My bank account is shit, isn’t it?” He wrongly filled in the blank, and I rapidly shook my head. I couldn’t stop crying. It hurt me. It hurt like hell he was being so mean to me, but I knew it was because I hurt him first. Mark was hurt, and that pained me more than anything he could have said.
“It’s not that. I told you I was scared. I had never been in lo—”
He cut me off again as I was about to confess. Mark didn’t want to listen. He screamed at me.
“You are selfish and immature, Dae. Grow the fuck up. You can’t go around treating people like that. There is so much you still have to learn, and I hope one day you’ll do it, but it won’t be next to me.” He opened the door.
“Mark, wait, we really need to talk!” I tried to hold his hand one last time, and he moved it away again.
“No, Dae, it’s too late. Get your shit and go, now.” He made way for me. I looked into his eyes, but he moved them away from mine.
“Is this how it ends?” My voice broke, but his didn’t.
“Yes, this is how it ends,” Mark assured me, and I inhaled deeply. My hands shook uncontrollably. I had lost him.
“But. . .”
“I need to be alone. Get the fuck out!” He lost his patience and softly pushed my shoulder, making me step toward the door.
“But you told me to get my things.” I tried to make an excuse. Maybe he’d let me stay around a while longer. Maybe I could find a chance to talk to him as I wanted. Mark didn’t move.
“You don’t have to pack your things.” He started, and I took a breath. Maybe he would reconsider. “I did that for you. Everything is in the garage.”
Ah, fuck!
My words failed me. I sniffed, gradually losing my shit, about to crumble. I desperately hoped Mark would tell me all this was a joke, that we would be together, but no, it was real. He was suffering, probably as much as I was. I fucking hurt him, and I didn’t think I could forgive myself for it.
Mark lifted a hand toward me, and I looked at it. I was about to ask him why, but a knot in my throat wouldn’t let me make a sound.
“Give me my keys back,” he ordered, and I broke down. There were so many tears pooling in my eyes I couldn’t even see anymore.
This was real. I fucking lost him. I lost Mark!
I didn’t move, and he insisted. “The keys, Dae,” he repeated. I moved my shaky hand inside my bag and took them out. Mark didn’t let me give them to him. He took them from my hands and put them in his pocket.
“Close the garage door before you leave.” His harsh tone never lost the hint of darkness it held. He had never sounded more indifferent. My stomach was painfully twisting inside me, and I had to gather all my strength to take short, hesitant steps out.
Once I was under the door frame, I glanced his way, but he didn’t look at me. Taking one last painful step, I swallowed the knot in my throat and turned.
“I love you.”
The door slammed in my face, and I knew he didn’t hear it. My heart sank, and I rested my forehead on the door, trying to calm my out-of-control chest.
It was the first time I had said it aloud to anyone, and he didn’t even hear it. He didn’t even say goodbye. Mark hated me, but not as much as I hated myself.