FOUR MONTHS LATER
“Are you sure you want to turn this promotion down?” Mr. Brown asked, incredulous at my decision. The job was done. Jackass got his amazing home, and the firm acquired the deal with his family’s company, but I wanted nothing to do with it.
“I’m more than sure.” I held my hands together, kept my back straight, and my chin high. No matter what, I wasn’t willing to turn back my word. If I earned something, I wanted it to be based entirely on my achievements. If I accepted help, it would be from the people I trusted and loved, not from someone who would hold it against me.
“There might not be another opportunity like this in a long while,” Mr. Brown warned, and I smiled. I had already started to look for other opportunities away from this firm, but of course, I wasn’t going to say that out loud.
“I know.”
Mason Brown leaned closer and spoke in a lower tone. “I know what you are thinking, but you shouldn’t let what other people say behind your back influence you so much that you turn down something as big as this. You really did work for this, and you deserve it.” He smiled. Mason said that, but he didn’t offer me the position until Jackson waved his dollars in his face.
“If I could have had the offer under better circumstances, I would have preferred it. Also, I will appreciate it if a situation like this never happens again.” I tried to keep my tone polite.
“Yes. . . sure, sure. Of course, it won’t.” He looked at his screen. That was the most professional way for me to tell him he fucked up.
“Thanks!” I gave him a courteous bow, but what I really should have done was kick his ass. How come he didn’t notice something was off? He must have known. I had a picture of Jackson and me on my desk for the longest time. He certainly saw it.
“Okay, then. Was that all? If there is anything I can do to help you change your mind, I’ll—”
“Nothing at all, Mr. Brown, but there is something you can do for me now.” I was going to try my luck.
“Tell me, Dae, anything.” Mason smiled. It was a long shot, but he was the one who offered it, and he owned me, so. . .
“I would like to have five days off this week and, from now on, work on Fridays from home. I want to spend the holidays with my family and have a life.” With my lips pressed into a smile, I nodded to myself. Mr. Brown stared at me and pursed his lips.
“Very well, then. You can take five days off. There isn’t much to do these days, anyway.” He lifted a pointing finger up. “About the Fridays off. . . We’ll talk about it when you come back. I’ll make some calls.” Mr. Brown wiggled his nose, and my smile widened.
“Thank you, Mr. Brown.” It wasn’t a done deal, but I’ll think about it was better than a flat-out no.
“You’re welcome, Ms. Jee. Have a good time with the family and safe travels.” He dismissed me, and I walked backward until I reached the door.
“Thanks! I will.” I left his office, returned to my desk, and packed my things. Christmas was in two days, and I wanted to drive home and spend it with my family.
Appa and Eomma lived about four hours north of here. If the weather channel wasn’t bullshitting, this would be a white Christmas, so I had to go a day early and beat the snow. If I left early enough, I would beat the traffic and soon be toasty at home with a cup of hot cocoa in my hand and my feet up, watching tacky Christmas rom-coms with Appa. Eomma would cook a shitload of food, and I wanted to help her this time.
Leaving the office early, I drove back to my apartment, gathered my things together, and got ready. In my room, I propped my phone on the nightstand, played “One Way or Another” by Blondie, and sang the song at the top of my lungs as I picked some outfits and tossed them in a bag. It was mostly pajamas, leggings, and sweaters.
That one had become my anthem. I must have played that song at least once daily since we broke up, and I lived by it. It was an awkward breakup, so I never gathered the strength to actually call him, but I texted him often. By often, I meant to say daily. I made sure to text him a minimum of one and a maximum of two times a day. I didn’t want him to think I was a psycho. Even when I was desperate, it wasn’t ideal for Mark to know I missed him that much and was completely miserable without him.
It was awkward, but he needed to know I was still thinking about him and that I cared. If he ever did, Mark would reply with one word. I would text: How are you doing? And he would reply: OK. Anyone would think that was nothing, but never in my life had I felt more thrilled to read those two letters. It gave me much more than just joy—it gave me hope. In October, for my birthday, that had been the only time he wrote to me first. I woke up to a happy b-day text. That made my month.
It had been four months since we broke up, and other than those one-word texts, we hadn’t spoken. I drove by his house many times, trying to catch a glimpse of him, but nothing. I missed his face, his beard, his smile, his laughter, his arms. . . Sleeping without him was lonely and cold. It was hell to live without those.
Having enough comfy clothes to last me a week, I closed my bag, took my phone, and headed out. Aanya wasn’t at home. She said she had plans and that those plans were long enough to keep her busy the entire weekend.
Yep, she was banging someone. Maybe she didn’t want to rub it in her single friend’s face, and that’s why she didn’t say it like it was. Good for her!
I was sexually frustrated and lonely. The only thing that could get me off was closing my eyes and pretending Mark was making love to me. The memory of his breathy voice would give me goosebumps. Gosh! I would have killed for five minutes with Mark’s dick. I would orgasm in two and spend the other three admiring it.
I got to my car, tossed the bag in the back, and turned it on. It was getting cold, and the first flurries were already falling. The drive would be long, so I connected my phone to the charger, turned my wipers on, and took off. Blondie’s song was still blasting on my phone. Yes, I had it on repeat and was planning to listen to it for another hour.
Things had changed; I made sure of it. So I took this time to fix all those little pieces that pulled us apart in the first place. The very first thing I did when I stopped crying my eyes out was to call Audrey. We met at a cafe, and I told her everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything, even the stuff no one wants to hear. Her baby boy was beautiful, and his chubby little cheeks made me want to chew on them.
We talked for a long time, so we had to take turns holding the baby. I was glad babies couldn’t understand shit because the conversation had a ton of colorful words, mostly from my side. Audrey said Jackson told her he was single the night they met. It was at a party, one she went to with friends, and they ended up hooking up on a terrace. When he was done banging her, he gave her a fake phone number and left. She only found his actual contact information because they had a friend in common.
After finding out she was pregnant, Audrey confronted him at his office. He demanded to have a paternity test, and she gladly did it. A few weeks later, his father somehow found out, and Jackson faked that all was fine. He told his dad they were already engaged, and to save his face, she rolled with it.
Just like me, Audrey felt lonely with him. She had to agree with me that Jackson was awful in bed. As a matter of fact, they weren’t even fucking anymore. Jackson wasn’t interested in her at all. She said he drank a lot and that he was losing his shit. Audrey was taking care of the kid by herself most of the time, anyway.
I told her we would be there to help her if she needed us. That trash wasn’t worth it, so I urged her to leave him. Apparently, he made her sign a prenup; if they separated, she would get nothing. That would be better. Audrey didn’t want or need more attachments to him. All would be fine if he paid her child support.
To cover all her bases, I told her to document his behavior and film him drunk and passed out. If he ever wanted to fight her for custody in court, one, Mark would snap his neck, and two, she would have evidence the man was useless.
Strangely enough, Audrey and I started a friendship. We first texted often, and then we scheduled a time to meet every week. Another person I formed a close friendship with during the last few months was Cindy.
In my defense, I was already friends with Audrey, and Cindy would tag along. Did Mark know I was hanging around with his sister and mother? Fuck no! And I wanted to keep it that way. I told them not to tell him. Ever.
I sort of felt bad. Cindy told me she was sorry if anything she did ruined things for us, and I told her not to worry. She thought the surprise party had taken a toll on us, but I told her the breakup was no one’s fault but my own.
It might not have been very ethical, and it seemed a bit psychotic, but I, wanting it or not, was indirectly involving myself in his life without actually being with him.
For Thanksgiving, I went to cook with them at Mark’s parents' house and took a portion home to share with Aanya. Even Dan hung out with me and joked. He treated me like a daughter. Mark never knew I was around. That day, I left way before their family dinner started. Knowing he ate something I helped cook had me smiling. Even when he didn’t know about it and never would.
Technically, they weren’t lying, just not telling him, and for sure, Mark would never ask. We all knew Mark and I were officially over, and he didn’t want my ass near him. My friendship with his family was outside of him. When I was with them, we never talked about Mark.
His family wasn’t the only one I got closer to. I talked to Appa about him. I drove over, sat on the porch with him, and told him everything, from how we met to how I lost him. The first thing he said was that I was crazy; the second was to ask me if I had been safe, and the third thing he did was hug me and tell me he was proud of me. Appa was proud I had rejected the promotion and owned my feelings.
Appa said feelings could be scary when they were real, but I was brave to face them. Better late than never. I hugged him and cried on his shoulder, but just a little. From that moment on, he would ask about Mark each time I called, and I would tell him we hadn’t talked yet. It felt as if my life had become his soap opera.
The further I drove, the heavier the snow got. My crappy tires slipped on the snowy road, and I worried. Scared, I gripped my wheel and hoped for the best. With my luck, the worst happened. The engine light turned on, and I heard something break immediately. As if on cue, the car shook, so I drove it to the side of the road, where an empty parking lot of a closed restaurant was. I parked the car there, and as soon as I changed the transmission to park, it died.
Getting out of the car, I looked around and saw nothing out of place, just a ton of snow accumulating all over. I wasn’t dressed for the occasion. It was getting way colder, and all I had were sweaters. Frustrated, I returned to the car and searched for help in the area. All the mechanics and towing services were closed or were way too far away from here. The few I could get a hold of told me the waiting time would be six to eight hours.
After searching and making calls for over an hour, I gave up. I was stuck. I could have done better if I walked out and tried to find a place to stay, but I didn’t have a coat or boots, just a sweater and sneakers.
What were my options?
Aanya was boning someone, my parents were too old to go out in this fucking weather, and the roads were just getting worse. I could either freeze to death or call Mark. He might know what to do. Sitting my frozen caboose in my car, I shivered for another forty minutes, trying to convince myself to make that call.
With a heavy heart, I squinted my eyes and pressed the button. As the phone rang, I felt my heart creep to my throat. It rang over and over, but he didn’t answer. For the next ten minutes, I just looked at the screen and held back the tears. He could have been ignoring my call. To be sure, I had to try one last time, and I did. I pressed the call button, and once more, no answer.
“I guess I’ll die then.” I tossed the phone on the passenger seat and leaned my head over the wheel. Giving up, I was just about to grab my bag and head outside to see how far I could get when the phone rang. All my blood rushed to my chest, and I felt my heart hammer against my ribcage. I took it in my hand and confirmed it. It was him. I answered.
“Hi.” My voice came out low and shy.
“Hi.” Mark’s voice was serious and curt. It was the same tone he used the last time we spoke.
“H-hi, Mark. I know it’s late. I wouldn’t have bothered you at this time, but I didn’t know who else to call,” I said, and he gave a quick reply to my greeting.
“What do you want?” Mark asked, and I gulped. I could tell he couldn’t wait to hang up on me. He still hated me.
“My. . . my car won’t start.” My voice trembled a little. I was so fucking cold.
“So?”
“Do. . . do you know what it might be?” I stupidly asked. I was much too nervous to sound coherent.
“Do you not have anything better to do, Dae? I’m busy.” He was about to hang up, but I stopped him.
“No! Wait! It’s for real. I tried to find someone to help me, but everything is closed,” I explained, and he must have been rolling his eyes on the other side. He took a deep breath.
“They are closed because it’s late, and the holidays are close,” he spoke as if I didn’t know how obvious that was.
“I was wondering if you could tell me what it is. If it’s something simple, I can maybe fix it myself and move it from here. . .” I thought about my options.
“Where are you?” He sounded indifferent.
“In a parking lot. The engine light went on, and then it made a strange sound and shook. There was a closed restaurant on the side of the road, and I drove there, and it died.”
“Why the fuck are you driving? There’s a storm out.”
“No, I checked the weather. The storm will be on Thursday.”
“Dae, today is Thursday,” he groaned.
“No, today is. . .” I looked at the screen and read the date. “Ah, shit!” I immediately felt like a complete and absolute idiot.
Silence.
There was an awkwardly long pause before he broke it.
“Where are you?” Again, he used a very unfriendly tone. It was so serious I was afraid to talk and make it worse.
“Eh. . .” I looked around. “On the road?”
He groaned, frustrated. “Go to your GPS, copy the coordinates, and send them to me,” Mark ordered in a dark tone, and I tensed.
“Okay. . .” I wouldn’t argue with him and get myself into deeper shit. I opened the map app as he asked and sent it in a text message. It took him a minute to get it.
“What are you doing that far?” Mark’s tone became harsher, and I lost my confidence to speak.
“I-I’m. . . I’m on my way to. . .” My voice trembled again, and this time, it was evident it was because I was cold. He interrupted my mumbles.
“Wait, how long have you been there for?”
“On the way or in the parking lot?” I asked, afraid to confess my bad luck.
“In the parking lot, Dae. How long ago did your car die?” Mark’s tone had changed, but it still wasn’t friendly.
“Maybe more than an hour?” I lied. It was way longer than that.
“Fuck!” He cursed, and I heard something fall and break. “Why the fuck didn’t you call me sooner?” Mark screamed at me, and I shrunk my shoulders.
“I. . .” I choked.
“Hang in there. I’m on my way.” He hung up the call before I could reply. Mark sounded pissed as fuck, so I was afraid to call him back.
Getting my bag, I took all the sweaters I brought and put them on. I also put on two more pairs of leggings. And two more pairs of socks. It didn’t help much, but at least it was something.
More than two hours passed before a bright light hit my rearview mirror, waking me up. Looking back, I saw his truck and got so excited that I jumped out of the car. His truck had a plow, so I knew he didn’t have too much trouble driving over there.
Mark parked in front of my car and got out. That glorious sight made my breath catch in my lungs. It was the first time I’d seen him since the breakup. With my arms wrapped around myself, I walked to him, about to say something, but he passed me by and went straight for the car. Mark didn’t even acknowledge me and went directly to lift my hood. I stayed there, hugging myself and shaking, looking at him from behind.
“Thanks,” I said in a quiet tone, and he looked my way.
“Get your things and go sit in the truck.” He pointed at his truck, and I pouted. With shaky steps, I took my bag out and shuffled closer to him.
“The keys,” I said, and he extended his hand toward me without looking. Our fingers brushed as I put my keys in his hand, but he didn’t seem to care. He was warm—as warm as I remembered him to be. Mark turned away from me, showing me his back, and I felt as if a knot was closing my throat.
“Go get in the truck now!” He practically screamed, and I listened. I opened the door, climbed up, and sat there to find it was warm. He had already put his heater to the maximum; even the seats were heated. Beside me, he had left a snack and a water bottle.
Was that for me? I didn’t know for sure, so I didn’t take it. The winch’s mechanical sound went off as he mounted my car on the deck. Once secured, he returned, sat in the truck, and slammed the door.
Mark didn’t have to say it for me to know he was angry. He must have been thinking I was nothing but a waste of his time. I looked his way, but he avoided looking at me. Ashamed, I lowered my head and stared at my hands.
A minute later, I heard him sigh and glanced his way. Mark’s light blue eyes were set on me. He stared at my eyes in silence until his eyes moved to my dry lips, and he lifted his hand. I didn’t move. His warm fingers met my mouth, and Mark softly passed a digit over my lower lip. He seemed conflicted. After rubbing it a few times, he let my lips go and looked away.
“Drink the fucking water,” he said in a harsh tone, and I looked down once more. I was so uncomfortable I felt like crying.
Yes, he was beyond angry. I couldn’t blame him.
“I’m sorry for this. I promise I’ll pay you. . .” Holding back my tears, I made an effort to speak.
“You were in danger, Dae!” Mark screamed. “What if I couldn’t get to you?” He clenched his jaw, holding back, and I knew it then. He was more worried than annoyed.
Mark cared. He still cared about me. Many thoughts rushed through my mind. I didn’t speak. . . I couldn’t. He took a deep breath and glanced outside.
“Where were you going?” He asked with that same dry tone, and I began to believe it was just a front.
I pointed at the road. “One hour in that direction,” I answered, and Mark pursed his lips. Without saying anything else, he passed me his phone.
“I’ll drop you off there. Type in the address,” he ordered, and I didn’t question him. I took his phone and typed in my parents’ address in it. After I returned it to him, he put the truck in drive and took off.
The snowplow pushed the snow with ease, and he drove at a moderate speed. After a short silence, I decided to make some conversation.
“About my car. . .” I began, but he didn’t let me finish.
“I’ll take it to my dad,” Mark assured me, and I smiled.
“Okay. Hope Dan won’t charge me too much. . .” I tried to joke, laughing awkwardly. Mark’s dad was a mechanic and had a shop.
“Dan?” he asked, raising an eyebrow, and I cringed. It sounded like I was close to him when I said it like that. I sort of was, but he didn’t have to know that. Before, when we were dating, I would say, your father.
“Yeah. . . that’s his name, right?” I tried to save myself from the slip. He looked away. Feeling brave, I decided to test the water.
“Would you rather have me call him Dad?” I playfully asked and bit my lip.
“Oh, fuck no!” Mark spat, and I held in a laugh. Hot! I couldn’t jump in. Damn it. Mark was still shaking his head, and I tried not to grin. Maybe it was good that we were stuck together for another hour. We could finally talk as we needed to. I tried to do just that.
“But seriously, about that. I. . .” I struggled to get it out, but he interrupted.
“Pay me when you can.”
“Oh, that’s not it.” I waved a hand and glanced at him. He didn’t look back. Nonetheless, I had to put on my big girl pants and say it. “I miss. . . I miss you.”
Silence.
Mark didn’t move his sight from the road. He tensed, and his hand held the wheel tighter. I doubled down.
“I miss you like crazy. Do you—” Mark cut my confession short.
“I have a girlfriend, Dae,” he said, and I halted. It took my brain a second to process what he just said.
“Ah, fuck!”