2

Later that afternoon…

MARNIE

Okay! Everyone's back from work and school! Therefore, it's time to begin my mission!—which is… shhhhh, because it's a secret, sort of: in order to buy materials for my Really Big Escape Idea, I need to acquire millions of dollars!

Mom! Dad!

Calling offstage to DAD:

MOM

I'm going out to take dinner and groceries to my mother, call me if you want me to bring you back something to eat.

MARNIE

Mom.

MOM's distracted, getting ready to leave.

Mom. MOM! MOM!

MOM

Yes, Marnie, what is it.

MARNIE

So, I need to acquire millions of dollars, and I had this idea for how to acquire them, and I was wondering…

MOM

I don't have time right now, Marnie, your grandmother's waiting for me.

MARNIE

But I really want to learn how to sew!

Which she pronounces "sue."

MOM

It's pronounced "so."

MARNIE

Whatever.

MOM

I'll show you next week when I have a bit more time.

MARNIE

But no, but I need to learn now, for commercial reasons!

MOM

For what reasons?

MARNIE

Commercial reasons! Commercial. Like when you sell something: commercial. Also when you advertise for it on TV. Same word. For those reasons. I need to learn how to sew so I can sell my sewage and make millions of dollars!

MOM

I really don't think you need millions of dollars, Marnie. If you want to buy a snack from the vending machine at school I can give you a loonie—

MARNIE

Please, don't make me laugh! Ha. Ha. What I need to buy costs much more than a loonie. I need a million loonies!

MOM

What is this you've got your eye on?

MARNIE

Oh, nothing.

MOM

Your father and I can talk it over, and I believe somebody's got a birthday coming up pretty soon…

MARNIE

Three months?! That's like the distant future!

MOM

I hope it's not a horse. Your father and I can't afford a horse.

MARNIE

It's not a horse.

MOM

That includes ponies.

MARNIE

It's not a horse including ponies. It's a…

MOM

Yeah?

MARNIE

…it's a lot of scrap metal.

MOM

Hmm.

MARNIE

A lot of scrap metal. A lot.

MOM

A lot.

MARNIE

So much. This much.

MOM

I see. That is a lot.

MARNIE

I told you.

MOM

And what do you intend to do with that much scrap metal?

MARNIE

Oh, good question! Good question! But you don't have to worry about it, because I'm going to make the money myself. Through commercial sewage. What you make when you sew.

MOM

It's pronounced "so"!

MARNIE

I know! So I'm going to sew a lot of sewage.

MOM

We'll talk about this later.

MARNIE

Why not now?

MOM

Because your grandmother needs more toilet paper!

MARNIE

Why can't she go to the store?

MOM

Because she can't walk!

MARNIE

Sew what?

MOM

I don't have time for this right now, Marnie.

MARNIE

Why don't you sing anymore, Mom?

MOM

What?

MARNIE

…

MOM

I don't have time, Marnie. I just don't have time.

To us:

MARNIE

Okayyyyyy…

I'll just have to get my millions of dollars from another source! And this other source can provide me not just with millions of dollars but also with information!

Dad!

DAD

Right. Uh-huh. Yeah.

He's paging through a scrapbook of his glory days in aeronautics. Oblivious.

MARNIE

What are you reading?

DAD

Ancient history. This is me in astronaut school. And this is me beside the spaceship I was supposed to go up in. It was in the newspaper, see?

MARNIE

Anyway, Dad, what I wanted to know is, a) do you have millions of dollars I could borrow, and b) how do you build a—

DAD

Careful.

MARNIE

What?

DAD

Look away from the scrapbook. Look at me.

MARNIE

O… kay?

DAD

You have to be careful you don't stare at the small print without blinking. You've got to look away.

MARNIE

Why?

DAD

Because it can ruin your vision.

MARNIE

My vision is 20/20, remember? It's, like, forty.

DAD

You need to keep it that way. Lots of jobs you can't do without 20/20 vision. Fighter pilot. Soldier. Astronaut.

MARNIE

Okay.

DAD

Promise me you won't become a fighter pilot or a soldier.

MARNIE

I… promise?

DAD

Good.

MARNIE

Actually, speaking of astro-things, didn't you pass the aeronautics exam when you were a kid seven hundred years ago?

DAD

That's right. Uh-huh. I was at the top of my class. Aerospace engineering.

MARNIE

Right! So, Dad, that's why I was wondering if you could tell me how I can—

DAD

It's okay though. Most astronauts never go into space anyway. They spend all their lives… waiting. Wondering if they'll get a chance. If they'll miss theirs. And then… then you've just wasted your life. Haven't you. Waiting for a chance to do that and then not getting it. No. Much better not to be in that field.

MARNIE

…see ya, Dad.

She walks away.

DAD

Oh. Bye, Marn.

Was there something you wanted to ask me, honey?

But already she's approaching ALAN, who's holed up in his room.

MARNIE

(to us) It's okay, it's okay, sometimes parents aren't helpful, but that's why people have brothers, right?

Oh Allllllllan…

ALAN

Not now.

MARNIE

I just want to talk to you about borrowing maybe a few million dollars for my project to build a—

ALAN

Mañana.

MARNIE

(to us) Which is Spanish for "tomorrow," because the woman Alan is in love with (which is so gross I almost want to eat my arms) is from Chile, which apparently is like Spain because of the Spanish but stupider because it's not Spain and so they should have their own language, Chill, and they don't; anyway—

(to ALAN) Even a single million dollars would help.

ALAN

Marnie, I really just want to be alone now.

MARNIE

Okay.

ALAN

Alone alone.

MARNIE

Okay. I understand completely. So what should we do?

ALAN

No. Without you. Just me. In solitude.

MARNIE

Is that Spanish?

ALAN

Argh.

MARNIE

Comet estas?

ALAN

Tired.

MARNIE

Comment sava?

ALAN

Marnie.

MARNIE

Alan, what's wrong?

ALAN

I don't want to talk about it.

MARNIE

You're being a mean human.

ALAN

I'm sorry.

MARNIE

Why won't you tell me things?

ALAN

You wouldn't understand.

MARNIE

I understand more than you!

ALAN

Okay.

MARNIE

I'm reading Daddy's textbooks in the basement!

ALAN

That's great.

MARNIE

Alan!

ALAN

If I put on my headphones, don't think I'm not listening. I'm listening. I'm just listening without being able to hear you as much as I would if I weren't wearing headphones. So don't be insulted. Okay?

He puts on his headphones.

MARNIE

Alan? Alan. Alan!

ALAN

…

MARNIE

He can't hear me.

ALAN

…

MARNIE

You smell, Alan.

ALAN

…

MARNIE

I know about your big woman love which is super gross let me tell you. I can hear you through the walls. You're all like, "Ooo, I love her, ooo, she's so special, oooo, I want to go to McDonald's with her and let her buy me foooood," okay so I can't hear exactly what you say, but I get the idea, okay?

ALAN

…

MARNIE

Alan, I hate you.

ALAN

…

MARNIE

I don't hate you, Alan. But this is annoying. You're annoying. Stop being annoying!

ALAN

…

MARNIE

Alan I NEED TO ESCAPE FROM THIS WEIRDO FAMILY SO I NEED TO BUY SCRAP METAL BECAUSE I'M BUILDING A SPACESHIP IN THE BASEMENT NOW WILL YOU PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE?!??!?!?!

To us:

Whoops.

I guess you… know my secret?

That I'm… building a spaceship in the basement?

Or… did you not get that? No, no, I see, you got that. Especially when I said it again just now. Right.

And now maybe you're wondering: why does this crazy French poet want to escape her family so badly that she needs to go all the way into outer space?

They're not monsters. Obviously. Like sometimes you think of people's families and you think they should breathe fire and have horns and stuff, because they're very monstrous. Like, my friend Sarah Marcesio's parents, they drink lots of alcoholic beverages and don't cook food. They order pizza all the time. It's pretty monstrous.

The problem with my family, though, these "adults," these "grown-ups"—and I say those "names" with my eyebrows raised like this—

She raises her eyebrows dramatically.

—is that they obviously missed the day in school, and it's like early school, it's like grade one or kindergarten, so they shouldn't have missed it unless they were really sick or something—anyway, they obviously missed the day in school when they teach you not to act like a kid when you're old.

No!

Rule #1: as a grown-up you should never want things so much that you become silly!

If you're a real grown-up, a special and perfect and not embarrassing grown-up, you say: when I was a kid I tried so hard to get the things I wanted that I was silly, I kept talking about being an astronaut even though I was an engineer, I pretended I was an opera singer even though I didn't sing, I fell in love—ewwww—with a twenty-one-year-old woman from Chile who nevertheless did not speak Chill, but now, now that I'm a grown-up, I'm going to put all that away in a drawer somewhere, and lock the drawer, and swallow the key, and flush the key down the toilet when I poo it out, and be serious.

And because my parents and my Alan can't do that, and because now they tell me I'm not from Mars but from them, which means I'm dooooomed: that, ladles and Germans, is why I have to leave.

Because if they're not special, if they're ordinary, embarrassing, un-perfect human beings…

What does that make me?

So! Let me show you what I've got so far.

She runs to a corner of the basement and picks up a pile of tinfoil pieces, pipe cleaners, bottle caps, and stuffed animals. She hauls her haul over and plunks it down in the centre of the stage.

Amazing, huh?