Explosive Bolts

I.

May 3, 2002

Mr. Patrick O’Keefe, Head Administrator
National Aeronautics and Space Administration
Washington, D. C. 20546

Dear Mr. O’Keefe:

I am writing you from Waterville, Maine, where I am co-chair of the English Department at Colby College. I am not sure if you know much about Colby, but it is one of the finest liberal arts colleges in the nation. Doris Kearns Goodwin went here, and we are very proud of her, except for that recent business about her stealing some of her books from other historians. She didn’t learn THAT at Colby, I can promise you.

I am writing to ask if I might become the first transsexual in space.

Although you may think this request is facetious, allow me to quickly state that my desire to educate the country about gender issues from the environment of zero gravity is sincere. I hope you will allow me to explain exactly how a transsexual in space would be something the whole nation might be proud of. A “giant leap for personkind,” as it were. I bet you have heard that phrase somewhere before!

First, I want to say I have been a lifelong fan of NASA and all of its brave enterprises. I was born in 1958, which means that I grew up during the Gemini project, and Apollo, of course. I do not understand why no one talks about the Gemini launches any more, unless of course it is because of all the trouble you had getting the Atlas booster off the ground. In particular I recall Gemini 6 which, at the moment of countdown, just sat there smoldering, and kids all across America were so annoyed with you. NASA tried launching Gemini 6 a few days later, and guess what: same result. In fact, if I recall correctly, Gemini 7 actually took off before Gemini 6—now that was embarrassing. There were reports of Lyndon Johnson storming around the Rose Garden describing the administrator of NASA in very colorful terms. Aren’t you glad it wasn’t you?

Still, eventually you “had liftoff” of Gemini 6, and the astronauts orbited for a week or so and even got to wave out the window at the crew of Gemini 7, with whom they “rendezvoused in space.” I thought that was so cool, four guys in two Gemini capsules orbiting a few feet away from each other way out in space. I always figured it made them less lonely, having friends a few feet away, even though of course they still had to eat creamed spinach out of tubes and dock with the AGENA docking module, which (again, if I recall correctly) started spinning haplessly out of control only minutes after docking, forcing Frank Borman to land his capsule then and there, and catching everyone in the South Pacific off guard.

Anyway, I have here the printout from the NASA Web page concerning “Astronaut Candidate Training.” If I can read this material properly (and I have to admit that my eyesight is pretty bad)—the position I am applying for is “mission specialist.” I would be in charge, I believe, of “Orbiter onboard systems, performing space walks, and operation of the remote manipulator system.”

Listen, Mr. O’Keefe—I’m an English professor—“remote manipulation” is what I do best! Although I do not have, as you require (I think), a degree in astrophysics, I can certainly recite from memory a wide range of English Romantic poetry, particularly that of John Keats, who observed, among other useful things, that “truth is beauty, beauty truth. That is all ye know on earth and all ye need to know.” I think this would be true in space, too, but of course we won’t know until we actually send an English professor up there, will we?

As for the usefulness of a transsexual in space, I think this is self-evident. We all know that the astronaut corps over the years has included many valiant men, including our first American, Alan B. Shepard. (Aha! You thought I was going to say John Glenn, didn’t you—well, I know all about Colonel Shepard—he was my favorite of the Mercury Seven, in part because he was such a grouch, and in part because NASA told him to pee in his pants just before the launch of Friendship 7. Boy, I bet you guys were sweating that out! Weren’t you afraid he’d cause a short?

I also know about Gus Grissom and how his capsule sank. Man, you guys have had a rough time of it, haven’t you. First Shepard peeing in his pants, then Grissom sinking the capsule. A transsexual wouldn’t have blown the explosive bolts off her capsule prematurely, I can promise you that! Most of us, alas, spend most of our lives trying to keep our explosive bolts from blowing—and as a result, are extraordinarily well suited at withstanding nearly unbearable pressure.

Anyway, so yes, you have had all these heroic men, and then twenty-five years later you allowed as how maybe it would be okay to send up a woman, and you managed to find an astronaut named “Sally Ride” to fly the shuttle. (Although very few Americans, I hate to be the one to tell you, actually believed that was her real name; surely this is just the chorus from “Mustang Sally,” a song that, by the way, I have played in all sorts of seedy bars with my rock-and-roll band.)

As I recall, Sally Ride had to wear a special electronic bra in zero gravity. Gosh, I bet your boys in R&D had fun designing that. They even, no doubt, had to try it on themselves first, just to make sure it wouldn’t short out if Alan B. Shepard peed on it by accident (or, knowing Shepard, on purpose).

Listen, I want your engineers to know, there is nothing wrong with wanting to wear an electronic bra—not if that’s the way you feel! I did not choose to be a transsexual any more than your research boys choose to be pencil-protector-wearing, Band-Aid-holding-their-glasses-together, Neil Diamond–enjoying, Chevy Nova–driving toads. It’s just the way we are!

I believe that God makes us all a certain way, and that the adventure of life is largely the challenge to find the courage to become ourselves. For many of us, the challenge that is given us is to find that courage, to be brave, and to stand up for the truth.

This is a message that the astronauts of NASA have bravely sent since 1962. The citizens of this country have always taken pride in your accomplishments. (Although we were a little annoyed that the Russians got off the ground first. Be honest— do you guys still wake up at night worried about Yuri Gagarin? I know I do.)

Anyway, I would like, should you honor me with your consideration, to join the chorus of courage to which the astronaut corps has given voice.

Were I honored with the pleasure of being the first transsexual in space (that we know of—personally, I always had my doubts about Buzz Aldrin, but that’s just me), I would perform the responsibilities of mission specialist with grace and aplomb. And I would also, if possible, say a few things to the young people of the world.

What would I say? Well, Dare to be brave, for one. For another, Find the courage to become yourself. And above all, The three most important things an astronaut, a transsexual, or anyone can have are dignity, self-respect, and a sense of humor.

I hope that you will give me the opportunity to share these insights from the rarefied atmosphere of the Orbiter’s interior. It would be an honor to serve my country.

In the meantime, I remain, very sincerely

Your humble servant,

Jennifer Finney Boylan

Co-chair, English Department

Colby College

P. S. It also says here that in order to go into space I have to pass a swimming test, which if you ask me is a rather odd requirement, unless you’re expecting the whole sinking-capsule problem to repeat itself. Quite frankly, I had hoped you had solved this back in 1962. At any rate, I can swim across Long Pond, here in Central Maine, in about ten minutes. Maine really is a lovely state, Mr. O’Keefe. I hope if you ever come up here with your family that you will feel welcome to stop in and visit.

II.

Ms. Jennifer Finney Boylan
Chair, English Department
Colby College
5264 Mayflower Hill
Waterville, ME 04901–8852

Dear Ms. Boylan:

Thank you for your letter of May 3, 2002, to NASA Administrator Sean O’Keefe expressing your interest in flying aboard the Space Shuttle as the first mission specialist “transsexual” and educating the country about gender issues from the environment of zero gravity.

NASA continually receives numerous letters from citizens offering their services to the space program. We hope the day will come when everyone will have the opportunity to go to space. For now, however, as with any rare commodity that is in great demand, NASA has the responsibility and obligation to maximize taxpayer return, in the form of scientific and operational knowledge, from both the Space Shuttle and the International Space Station. Therefore, flight opportunities are not available for persons other than NASA astronauts (pilots and mission specialists) and payload specialists.

You mentioned an interest in becoming a mission specialist. They are selected for a particular mission based on mission requirements and objectives and their educational backgrounds and skills. Before becoming members of the Shuttle crew, all of these individuals must meet certain medical standards, which are dictated by the existing flight systems training and operational constraints. The next opportunity to apply for the class of mission specialists will be released in the media as well as posted to our Web site: (http:// www.spaceflight.nasa.gov or www.edu.nasa.gov).

Thank you for your interest in the space program.

Cordially,
Winfield Hooker
Associate Administrator for Space Flight