It's been a dozen years since Communication Miracles for Couples first came out. I still get e-mails from couples who write things like, “We were so surprised how well your book worked for us.” As a psychotherapist, I've seen the devastating pain that can occur when two people are no longer communicating in a caring manner. Once locked into the “blame game,” it can be hard to have any hope that things can be turned around. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. First, the bad news: if you keep doing what you've done in the past, you'll likely keep getting the same results. The good news is that, if you change how you communicate with your partner, things can get much better than you'd ever imagined. Over the years I've had countless couples tell me how quickly things improved in their relationship once they started to communicate with less blame and more understanding.
Unfortunately, in today's fast-paced, consumeroriented culture, we don't learn how to communicate effectively in romantic relationships. That's why practicing some of the ideas and methods in this book may seem a bit like learning a foreign language. And just like learning a foreign language, it will take some practice before you feel fully comfortable speaking in this new way. Yet, once you get the hang of it, I think you'll be amazed at how consistently these methods lead to the feelings of safety and connection you desire.
Since I've received so many e-mails over the years, in this new edition I've been able to expand on some things that couples told me were particularly helpful to them. For example, in the first chapter I have put greater emphasis on what I call the Acknowledgment Formula. Many couples have told me that this one simple technique was enough to change the whole dynamic in their relationship. Although most of the methods in this book are quite simple, that does not mean they are easy to use when the crap is hitting the fan. Therefore, I suggest you first try practicing these techniques with your partner during everyday conversations. For instance, when your partner is telling you about his or her rough day at work, try to better understand him or her using one of the methods in this book. Don't wait for a big blowout before you try my suggestions. If you practice these ideas in daily life, when a big communication challenge comes along, you'll have the experience and confidence to work it out with your mate in a successful manner.
As with learning any new skill or behavior, sometimes you're going to make mistakes. Even though I wrote this book, I must confess that I still blow it sometimes. I blame, I fail to listen, or I say something hurtful. When I do, I simply apologize to my partner, and then I proceed with what I've learned really works. Fortunately, it only takes a little bit of light to brighten a dark room.
As long as you are able to occasionally use the suggestions in this book, I am confident you'll be pleased with the results you get. I'll be rooting for you.
Jonathan Robinson
January 2009