When couples come to me for psychotherapy, they are often at their wits' end. It's not unusual for them to be screaming at each other while they sit in my office. Secretly, both people in the relationship are hoping I will act as an all-powerful judge and, after listening to the “evidence” against their partner, proclaim them to be totally innocent and their partner 100 percent guilty. I disappoint them. Instead, I tell them they're both doing things that are making intimacy impossible. I ask them if they would be willing to spend a short time trying a totally different but highly effective approach to relationship communication. I ask the same thing of you. You may not agree with everything I say in this book. That's okay. Take what feels like it will work for you, and leave the rest. However, I encourage you to test my methods in your own life. If you do, I think you'll see something quite amazing— these methods can create miracles in your relationship!
I have a unique job. I'm a psychotherapist who promises to help couples in three sessions or less. Therefore, I've focused on how to quickly turn things around for couples deeply mired in problems. Sound impossible? It isn't. All that's needed is the right theory about what really makes human beings tick and the right techniques to effectively bring out the best in yourself and others. I'm excited to present these ideas to you because I know they work. Unfortunately, I've seen that a lot of the information that exists about communication is not truly helpful. In my own life, I've seen that the ideas I was taught in college or read in books simply didn't work in the real world of relationships. Yet, the information in this book has withstood the most difficult test possible: It even works with people who are deeply hurt, enraged, and ready to give up all hope. No one needs a book on how to communicate when they feel good, loving, and peaceful. What we all need is a book on how to communicate effectively when we're fearful, frustrated, or want to punch someone in the nose! The theory and methods in this book are so simple, and yet so powerful they will even work in the most challenging real-life situations.
Of course, you need not be deeply mired in problems to find these ideas and tools of great value to you. The same methods that can make a conflicted relationship peaceful can help make a good partnership become truly fantastic. Even if you've been happily married for many years, I'm confident these tools will help you create more intimacy than ever before. In addition, although this book is aimed at helping couples, you'll find these same ideas will also help you communicate more effectively with your boss, coworkers, children, family, and friends.
I often hear people complain that they're willing to communicate openly, but their partner is not. It is indeed easier to talk with a willing, cooperative partner—but not essential. You can use many of the methods in this book without your partner being aware of what you're doing. All they will likely notice is that you are blaming them less and are therefore safer to talk to. Yet, if your partner is the type who would be open to reading this book, by all means encourage him to do so. (Throughout this book, in each paragraph I alternate between using male and female pronouns such as “him” and “her” or “she” and “he” when referring to individuals. I do this to better accomodate both male and female readers.) Many of the ideas are easier to use when both partners are making an effort to practice them. It can even be a good idea to read a chapter out loud to your partner and immediately make use of the ideas presented.
It's a shame that in school we get to learn how to speak a foreign language and even how to “talk” to a computer— but fail to learn how to skillfully communicate in an intimate relationship. Recently, a friend of mine stated, “I only wish I could communicate with my wife the way I can with my computer!” I found his statement to be funny, but sad. I asked him, “Why do you feel more comfortable with your computer than your wife?” He responded, “Because I know how to make my computer understand me and do what I want it to. I guess I've never figured out how to do that with my wife.”
This book will help you communicate in a way your partner understands and enjoys. Your confidence and intimacy will grow as you learn to successfully satisfy each other's needs. Since the skills you'll be gaining are best learned in a certain order, I've divided the book into three sections. In Part I, “Creating Intimacy,” you'll learn how to give your partner what they most want from you. When you know how to give your partner exactly what they want, intimacy deepens and a lot of problems simply disappear all by themselves. Part II, “Avoiding Fights,” informs you how to avoid pushing all the wrong “buttons” and provides you with specific methods to ensure you never need to argue again. Part III, “Solving Problems Without Bruising Egos,” offers many practical ways to solve problems, create lasting love, and effectively change undesirable behavior. I suggest you read this book all the way through, then reread appropriate chapters as the need arises.
At the end of each chapter, I include a brief summary to help reinforce what you've learned, as well as a single specific practice I suggest you do with your partner. As when learning to speak a foreign language, learning new communication skills requires some study and repetition. Most of the exercises in this book are extremely simple and can be done in fewer than three minutes. Yet, mastering the exercises will transform the quality of your relationship. I wish I could literally grab you through these pages and convey to you how important it is to practice the exercises I suggest. In my work with couples, I've repeatedly seen how these simple practices create miraculous changes. When you're done reading this book, I want you to have more than just useful ideas—I want you to have new skills that will dramatically increase the amount of love you experience.
Words can be like magic spells. Say the wrong set of words and your partner can turn into an angry monster. Weave the right words together, and your partner can quickly become a loving prince or princess. As you master the magic of effective communication, you'll create more intimacy and harmony in your relationship. I wish you the best of success in your journey of love.