No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
—AESOP
In order to get the most out of your car, it helps to know what it needs to operate effectively. You need to know what fuel and oil it uses, and how to get things fixed when it's not running right. The same is true for human beings. Luckily, at our core, all human beings are pretty much the same. We all want the three As: acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance. In fact, the three As are like high-octane gasoline that makes the human personality run. They are the essential ingredients that convey love from one person to another. Without them we become defensive and refuse to let anyone in. If you want to have a great relationship, you will first have to satisfy your partner's needs for acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance. And the more effectively you can help him feel loved, the more loving he will be toward you.
I've created a metaphor that I find helpful in explaining how the human personality works. I call it “the self-esteem bank account.” I define self-esteem as the degree to which a person feels good about herself in any given moment. Let's say the average person has about ten “dollars” in her self-esteem bank account. When people have only two dollars in their bank account, they become violent. In newspapers, we read about people who went berserk when someone simply looked at them the wrong way. These people were at two “dollars” of self-esteem. When people are at zero “dollars” of self-esteem, they often try to kill themselves. With only ten “dollars” of self-esteem, we're highly motivated to not lose or spend any of our meager supply. Yet, the way we tend to go about protecting our account is almost always ineffective.
When couples are having difficulty, they inevitably blame their partner. Blame is a way of trying to “take” self-esteem “dollars” from your partner and give them to yourself. Unfortunately, this results in your partner feeling attacked, who then proceeds to blame and insult you in self-defense: “You think I'm selfish, you should look in the mirror. You're the one who everyone thinks is selfish!” The cycle goes on. Have you ever been in one of these downward spirals? I sure have. It's no fun at all. Neither partner ends up getting the love and respect they really want.
Even if your partner is very upset, the key to get him to be able to hear you is to give him plenty of acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance. The three As are like deposits for your partner's self-esteem bank account. When you give your mate the three As, his self-esteem bank “balance” temporarily goes up. As his bank balance goes up, he will naturally become more loving, more giving, and better able to listen. Therefore, when your partner is feeling stressed, the best thing you can do is make a “deposit” into his selfesteem bank account. Almost like magic, he will become more agreeable toward you. As he is better able to listen to you with love, you'll feel better too. The destructive cycle will be over.
Bob and Jill came to see me for counseling as a last measure before filing for divorce. Bob and Jill were what I call “subtle blamers.” They never shouted or called each other names, but the underlying intention was still to “score points” at their partner's expense. I explained to them the concept of the self-esteem bank account, but Jill would still make her subtle, blaming statements. Each time she did, I would stop her and ask, “Do you think Bob is more or less likely to listen to you after blaming him like that?” It soon became obvious to Jill why Bob “never listened” to her.
Jill asked me, “Well, how can I get Bob to hear me?” I told her that Bob will need at least some funds in his selfesteem bank account before he can risk listening to you. I suggested she first acknowledge or fully validate Bob's experience of her. Normally, when Bob told her his point of view or how he felt, Jill would say how wrong and ridiculous he was. This invalidation of Bob's feelings and reality just made him shut down more. So I asked Jill, “What's the positive intention behind Bob trying to explain his actions to you?” She responded, “He wants to show me how he's right and I'm always wrong.” This statement made me aware Jill was lacking funds in her own self-esteem account, since she was feeling blamed. Therefore, I acknowledged and validated her experience. I said, “I understand you feel blamed by him and I bet that doesn't feel very good.” Once I had acknowledged her experience, she was open to hearing what I had to say.
If, in the previous example, I had told Jill she was wrong about Bob's intention, she would not have been open to hearing me. It's a little-known fact that human beings are equipped with a secret device in their brain called a “blame detector.” When anyone tries to blame us or make us wrong, even in the most subtle manner, our blame detector alarm is triggered. When our alarm goes off, it automatically shuts down the ability of our ears to hear whatever anyone says to us. Had I made Jill wrong for what she said, her ears would have shut down, and I would have been wasting my breath to say anything more. When people have low funds in their self-esteem account, they need to have their version of things be acknowledged before they can hear what you have to say. Acknowledging their view of things is not the same as agreeing with them—or suggesting they're right and you're wrong. It simply means you validate their personal experience. You accept that what they say is the truth as they see it.
Once I had acknowledged Jill's view of Bob, I repeated the question, “What do you think was Bob's positive intention of explaining his actions to you?” This time she said, “What do you mean by positive intention?” I explained that a person's positive intention is what they ultimately want from an action they take. Jill thought about it and finally said, “I guess he's explaining himself so I will stop blaming him and finally accept him as he is.” Bingo! I told her that what everyone ultimately wants is to feel acknowledged, appreciated, and accepted, and the more you give these three things to your partner, the more they will give them to you.
I suggested to Jill that she first accept Bob's version of reality by validating his experience. She did this by stating, “I can see how you've felt blamed by me, and how that must have really hurt. I'm very sorry you've felt that way.” Next, I suggested she communicate exactly what she appreciates about her husband when she's not upset with him. As Jill sincerely told Bob how important he is to her and described things he does that she treasures, he became less defensive. He began to get tears in his eyes. Then, Jill proceeded to tell Bob about the fear and hurt she'd been feeling because they haven't been getting along. Bob listened intently. As Jill finished talking, Bob tearfully reached over to hug his wife. They both apologized for the hurt they had caused each other. The downward spiral that had been going on for months ended in fewer than five minutes. A communication miracle.
People often ask me, “What's the difference between acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance?” I define acknowledgment as being willing to agree that your partner really is having the experience they say they are having. For example, let's say your partner says, “I'm sick and tired of you nagging at me.” Perhaps you might respond, “I'm not nagging you, I'm simply telling you how to clean up properly.” This seemingly innocent response would likely lead to a juicy disagreement. Why? Because it invalidates your partner's reality and feelings. From their eyes, you are nagging, and they are really bothered by it. Until you acknowledge their viewpoint and feelings, their ears will be turned off. By indicating you empathize with their perspective and their feelings, it allows them to be open to your perspective and your feelings.
In the preceding example, you might acknowledge your partner's words by saying, “It sounds like you feel I'm constantly nitpicking you. I guess that must really hurt. I'm sorry you feel that way.” Only when your partner feels fully acknowledged (understood) will they be open to hear your version of things, not before. Therefore, the first thing you should do when things get a bit heated on your mate's side is to acknowledge her experience—even if you think it's crazy. Remember, you don't have to agree with her perspective to acknowledge she has it. You might not have been nagging, but if she feels you have been nagging, that feeling will need to be acknowledged before she will be able to hear you. Acknowledgment creates trust, and the more you validate her experience, the more she will trust you. Of course, the more you invalidate your partner's reality, the more she will feel she can't trust you.
I've created a simple way to remember how to acknowledge and validate your partner's experience. It's a fillin-the-blank method I call the Acknowledgment Formula:
Paraphrase in a sentence or two what your partner's experience seems to be.
Guess as to how such an experience must feel.
Guess as to what they're feeling.
Previously, Jill told me “Bob wants to show me how he's right and I'm always wrong.” Rather than disagree with her, I used the Acknowledgment Formula. I said, “It sounds like you feel blamed by him, and I bet that doesn't feel very good. I'm really sorry you feel so hurt.” That's all that was needed for her to feel I had really heard her. Now she was open to hearing me. As with all “fill-in-the-blank” methods, you need to adapt it in a way that uses your own words so it sounds sincere. Your partner won't care what you have to say until they feel that you truly care about their feelings. If you use the Acknowledgment Formula to sincerely better understand your mate, I guarantee that your relationship will be transformed.
Unfortunately, most of us have had precious little experience in acknowledging our mate or having our own feelings validated by others. Instead of providing acknowledgment, most people immediately try to “fix” their partner when they express their pain—or defend against what they said if it seems like a blame statement. Neither approach works. When we're in pain, we first need our experience validated—before we can be interested in hearing ways to fix or solve the situation. That's just how human beings are. Yet, once your partner feels you've really heard him (by acknowledging his experience), he'll probably be very open to hearing whatever you'd like to say.
I often see clients get frustrated when they lovingly offer advice to their mate, only to see their partner knock down everything they say. It's not that the solutions being offered aren't effective; it's simply that the timing is off. People need plenty of empathy and understanding before they are receptive to solutions. Have you ever had to deal with a three-year-old who's had her feelings badly hurt? If so, what did you do? You probably didn't start off telling her what she did wrong and what she should have done. Instead, my guess is you gave her plenty of empathy. To help the child know you cared, you probably said how sorry you were she got hurt. You lovingly listened to her tale of woe. Then, once all her tears were gone, if she seemed receptive, you may have offered some advice for how to better handle such a situation in the future.
When we're upset, we're just like three-year-olds. We need to know that someone understands how bad we feel. If instead of acknowledgment we are first given advice, we feel misunderstood. We feel cheated. Yet, once we feel our pain has been sufficiently validated, an opening for new input is created. Depending on your partner, he may need just a little sympathy and acknowledgment, or a whole lot. The more lovingly you offer your acknowledgment, the sooner he will be open to other things you'd like to say.
In my opinion, the Acknowledgment Formula is the single most powerful method that exists for increasing intimacy and decreasing conflict in a relationship. Although it's simple in theory, it can be hard to do in real life. Yet, it's worth the effort. When done with a desire to understand your mate, it consistently creates miracles.
Appreciation is different than acknowledgment. I define appreciation as the art of telling your partner what you like about him or her. To get in touch with what you appreciate, you can simply ask yourself, “What do I like or appreciate about my partner?” By focusing on that question and occasionally expressing your answers to your sweetheart, it will help to keep her self-esteem bank balance in abundance. In addition, when difficulties arise between the two of you, expressing an appreciation can help your partner let go of blaming you or being defensive. After all, as her balance goes up, she will become more able to listen to you.
To make the best use of the art of appreciation, it's best to use it frequently. Just as it does little good to exercise infrequently, it does little good to appreciate your partner just once a month. The more you appreciate each other, the easier it becomes and the better you'll be at using this simple but underutilized tool for creating intimacy. It's also helpful to make your appreciation very specific, precise, and graphic. It's not very effective to express a general appreciation such as “I like the fact that you're pleasant.” On the other hand, it's very powerful to say, “I felt so proud of you when you offered to help that man in the wheelchair down those steps. You're always doing little things for me like buying me flowers or leaving me love notes. All those things really warm my heart.” Can you sense how being specific and graphic is much more powerful? Let loose the poet in you to express your sincere appreciation to your partner.
In workshops I lead about communication, I show participants two little dolls I bought called Mr. and Mrs. Wonderful. When touched on their belly, each doll delivers effusive words of appreciation. Mr. Wonderful says such things as, “Thinking of you is the best part of my whole day!” Mrs. Wonderful cheerily remarks, “You're right. We don't need directions. Maybe we'll find a shortcut.” These dolls never fail to get the participants laughing. When I ask why they laugh, people inevitably state that their partner would never say such things to them. What a shame. A person shouldn't have to buy a doll that says the words of appreciation and encouragement we all crave to hear. Even if your words sound a bit corny, go ahead and say them. The additional feelings of love you create will be well worth it.
Acceptance is the third A, and usually the last one to occur. Acceptance means you love your partner just as he is, warts and all. Another term for acceptance is “unconditional love.” Acknowledgment and appreciation are both specific behaviors you can “do” with your partner, whereas acceptance is a shift in your attitude. In general, parents accept and love their infants even when they don't like their behavior. It's possible to have the same unconditional acceptance for your partner. In fact, your partner hungers for it.
I've noticed that many people are afraid to accept their partner unconditionally. They think that such a shift in attitude would lead to their partner walking all over them. Yet, the opposite is true. When people feel fully accepted, they do their very best to make their partners happy. After all, they are being supplied with the one food they are most hungry for. Of course, unconditionally accepting one's partner is not an easy thing to do. We tend to think we'll love someone more once they change in some manner. It's common to think, “If only my mate were nicer, thinner, richer, neater, and so on, then I would really accept him.” The result of this way of being is that your partner never feels fully loved, and therefore never fully accepts you.
One way to help you accept your partner unconditionally is to learn to “tune into” the positive intention she has at any given moment. Since people all ultimately want to feel worthwhile and loved, they always have a positive intention behind their behavior. Even if your partner says things to hurt you, her positive intention is to increase the self-esteem in her own account—so she can feel worthwhile. You need not tell her you like her actions—because you don't. You need only be aware that, despite how she is acting, she does have a positive intention.
A practical way to help you feel acceptance for your partner is to simply ask yourself, “What is the positive intention behind what he (or she) is doing?” When you realize your partner is a human being in emotional pain, trying to get back to the feeling of love as best he knows how, you have the experience of acceptance. It's been said that everything people do is either a loving response or a cry for help. When babies cry for help, it's easy to see their vulnerability and their positive intention (to feel better). Therefore, it's easy to still love them, even if you don't like their behavior. When our partner “cries” for help by being a jerk in some way, it takes a conscious effort to see his positive intention and pain. Yet, if you look for it, it will surely be there. Accepting your partner does not mean that you never get annoyed at him. It merely means that you always love him—despite his occasional display of unskillful behavior. The attitude of acceptance is like a powerful medicine that heals the souls of both you and your partner.
Giving your partner the three As is not just something to do when you're upset at him or her. In fact, the more frequently and effectively you make your sweetheart feel acknowledged, appreciated, and accepted, the more loving she will be. She will “bank” the extra love you give, and thereby be better able to handle the small upsets that inevitably happen in the course of a relationship. As you give love more consistently to your partner, she will feel closer to you and give you her sincere appreciation in return. So begins the upward cycle to greater levels of love and intimacy.
It's amazing how well the three As work. With a couple named Shellie and Steve, Steve complained that his wife never wanted to have sex. Of course, Shellie's point of view was that Steve never wanted anything but sex! I suggested to Steve that he acknowledge (though not necessarily agree with) Shellie's point of view. He sincerely stated, “I understand you feel I'm always pressuring you to have sex. I bet that has felt very uncomfortable. I'm sorry that what I've been doing has made you feel that way.” Shellie's body position, which was normally like armor, immediately softened. I suggested to Steve that he try to understand and accept Shellie's positive intention to feel safe and in control of her own body. Finally, I suggested to Steve that he begin to appreciate Shellie in nonsexual ways.
Steve was hesitant to begin appreciating his wife. He didn't have a lot of “dollars” in his self-esteem bank account, and he was afraid if he gave appreciation to his wife, he'd end up with even less. In a private session with Steve, I suggested he try a one-week “experiment” with his wife. For one week, he was to see what effect it would have to express his sincere appreciation for his wife both verbally and through warm, nonsexual hugs. Midway through the week Steve excitedly called me and said, “My wife has turned into a new woman! We've made love more times this week than in the entire previous year! What did you do to her?” I explained to Steve that learning to give your partner verbal appreciation and a caring touch can have unexpected benefits. When they walked into my office the following week, they looked like a couple on their honeymoon.
Try it for yourself. The next time your partner is in “one of her moods,” acknowledge her reality, and then say what you appreciate about her. Perhaps you can give her a warm hug after she expresses her pain. Such a simple gesture of acceptance can quickly transform how your partner feels. When you and your partner give each other acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance on a regular basis, you'll both feel like you're in heaven.
1. When your partner is upset, make a deposit into his self-esteem bank account by acknowledging his perception of reality—even if you don't agree with it. Tell him you are sorry he is in pain. Then, communicate what you truly appreciate and respect about him.
2. Acceptance comes from recognizing your partner's positive intention and her pain. To tune into her positive intention, simply ask, “What positive feeling does she ultimately want from this behavior—even if she is trying to get it in an unskillful manner?” As you learn to accept your partner even when you don't like her behavior, you'll be giving your partner and yourself the gift of unconditional love.
3. By giving your mate (or anyone else for that matter) acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance instead of blame, you'll see a major change in how she listens and responds to you.
Try acknowledging and appreciating your partner this week. Validate her feelings and experience of the world if she feels bad by saying something like, “It sounds like . . . That must feel . . . I'm really sorry you feel so bad.” Find things to appreciate about your partner by asking yourself, “What do I like and/or appreciate about my partner?” When specific things occur to you, tell him. Notice what effect this has on your partner and on your relationship.