At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.
—PLATO
I have a question for you: For $500 could you make your partner feel upset in less than one minute? Most people answer an emphatic “Yes!” To accomplish this, you would probably bring up some event, person, or question that invariably makes your partner irritated. We even have a term for this—“pushing my buttons.” When someone pushes our buttons, it is commonly accepted we have no choice but to get upset. Over time, our partner usually learns where all our “buttons” are.
While “pushing my buttons” signifies a way our partner can easily make us upset, we have no phrase for the opposite effect—when our mate does something that invariably makes us feel loving. We could call it “pushing my love buttons,” but there's no poetry in a phrase like that. I prefer to call it “charming my heart.” When someone charms us, it's as if they have cast a spell of enchantment over our heart. A wonderful way to experience more love in your relationship is to learn automatic ways to charm your partner's heart. When your partner feels fully loved by you, guess how she'll treat you? Soon, you'll both be charming each other's heart in an upward spiral that leads all the way to heaven. Ahhh, how sweet it can be!
During the honeymoon stage of your relationship, you and your partner probably felt like you were swimming in a warm, sweet pool of tenderness. Why? Because you were not contending with any big problems yet, and you were expressing your love in many different ways. You wrote notes to each other, you bought little gifts, and you treated each other with the utmost kindness and caring. A wide-angle approach like that is bound to work. Of course, you can't keep expressing your love in all those same ways, year after year. If you're like most couples, you simply don't have the time to express love in all the ways that are possible. Yet, you still want to experience a lot of moments of tenderness. When you learn how to efficiently charm your partner's heart, you can create magical moments of love instantly, no matter where you are or how much time you have.
To know what makes your partner feel truly loved, it's necessary to realize each person has different rules or laws as to what true love is. Case in point: Many years ago I was with a girlfriend I'll call Cheryl. I was giving her a nice shoulder massage when she suddenly blurted out, “Would you cut that out!” Totally caught off guard, I said “Cut what out?” Annoyed, she stated, “You're always massaging me. You're always touching me. Why do you have to be so grabby?” It was true—I frequently massaged her. So I said to her, “I do that to show you how much I care about you.” She quickly responded, “Well, I don't feel very loved. After all, you never tell me you love me.” She was right again; I never actually said the words “I love you” to her, although she frequently said them to me.
Cheryl and I had a long discussion about this episode, and we finally realized what had been going on. While I was growing up, whenever I was being spanked or punished, my parents would say, “We're doing this because we love you.” Therefore, the words “I love you” had a negative connotation to me. I figured, talk is cheap. The way to really show someone you love them is to touch them in pleasant ways. That was my rule of how real love should be expressed. On the other hand, while Cheryl was growing up, she had an uncle who frequently gave her massages. One day, this uncle sexually molested her. Therefore, she took my massages as being a precursor of impending doom. We both thought we were expressing love to each other, when in fact we were unconsciously pushing each other's buttons!
The way we tend to express love to another person is, in most cases, the way in which we would like to receive it. I gave Cheryl massages because that's what makes me feel loved. Even if a gorilla gave me a massage, I'd feel totally loved. Cheryl frequently told me she loved me because that's what she wanted to hear. When people are unaware of their partner's preferred ways of feeling loved, they end up expending a lot of energy that goes unappreciated. Yet by knowing exactly what helps your partner feel safe and loved, it becomes infinitely easier to create intimacy on a consistent basis.
There is a simple exercise you can do with your partner to find out how best to “charm his heart.” Have him become comfortable in a chair, and then slowly say the following: “Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and begin to think of a specific time you felt really loved by me. Remember that time as clearly as you can. Remember where we were, what we were doing, and exactly what happened that let you know I really loved you.” Give your partner a minute or so to fully reexperience such a moment. Then proceed. “What was most important in letting you know I fully loved you? Was it something I said, the way I looked at you, the way I touched you, or something else?”
Sometimes your partner will immediately know what it was but, if not, try saying the following: “Thinking back to this time you felt really loved by me, in order to know I fully loved you, was it necessary that I say something to you?” Wait for their response. Then continue, “In order to know I really loved you, was it critical that I looked at you a certain way?” Once again, wait for his response. Finally, ask if it was necessary that your sweetheart be touched in a particular way, or that you perform some action for him. Once you have a lead, continue to ask questions that are even more precise. For example, if your mate says, “It's the way you were talking to me,” ask him, “What about the way I was talking to you helped you to feel loved? Was it the words I said or the way I said them or both?” Eventually, you will find a precise behavior that leads to charming his heart. If you desire, you can ask your partner to remember another time he felt totally loved by you. Although the exact same behavior may come up in this new scenario, you might find a whole new way of helping your mate feel fully loved by you.
I had a couple in my office named Sarah and Jim who both complained that they didn't feel loved by the other. I taught them about charming their partner's heart, but Jim was having a hard time doing it properly. Sarah's main way of feeling loved was through hearing the words, “Honey, I really love you,” in a very soft and gentle voice. Every time Jim tried to say these words, they came out wrong. He sounded angry, frustrated, or apathetic. Finally, I took him into a different room, and I coached him till he said the words in just the right way. He walked back into my office, sat down, and said “Honey, I really love you,” in a really sweet tone of voice—and Sarah immediately got tears in her eyes. Jim was so surprised at this result that he quickly turned to me and said, “Hey, this stuff really works!”
Actually performing the behaviors that charm your partner's heart may feel a bit weird to you. After all, it's probably not what would make you feel loved. Your partner may even feel loved doing the exact opposite of what would work for you! For example, when you're upset, you might want to talk about your feelings, while your partner may really want to be left alone. That's why it's critical to know what really makes your partner feel loved, and act accordingly—even if it feels strange to you. With practice, you'll get used to expressing love in the ways your partner prefers.
By knowing how your own heart is charmed, you can communicate this important information to your partner. Try the previous exercise on yourself, or have your partner read it to you. You may be surprised to discover exactly what your partner does that creates a warm feeling of safety and love in you. Once your mate knows how to efficiently help you feel loved, she can more easily and consistently show you she cares. Such behavior is like “money in the bank” of your self-esteem bank account.
My partner, Helena, and I have found the ability to charm each other's heart to be immensely helpful in our relationship. By performing the previous exercise, she learned that even my worst moods can quickly melt away when she gently massages me. I learned that saying the exact words, “I'm crazy about you,” never fails to make her feel totally loved. And there are other things too. Watching Star Trek together or eating in a particular restaurant always makes her feel safe, loved, and appreciated. So we do those things often—and I get a lot of massages. And the more she charms my heart, the crazier I am about her. (She charms my heart a lot, so I'm now a complete lunatic about her.)
In Gary Chapman's worthwhile book The Five Love Languages, he discusses how people gravitate toward desiring one of five ways of receiving love. He lists these five “love languages” as:
Chapman goes on to describe each of these “languages,” and how you can recognize which one is most important to you, and which is most important to your partner. His book has many valuable ideas. One idea I particularly like was his suggestion for deciphering which language you and your partner most value. Chapman suggests thinking about when you've felt hurt or unloved in your relationship, and figure out what was missing at the time. Whatever you felt was missing is most likely the way of receiving love that is most important to you.
Every time you charm your partner's heart, you're making a “loving deposit” into your shared love account. Your shared love account is like a bank balance you share together. When things are going well, there's a lot of love put into “savings.” When both of you consistently make deposits into your shared account, you feel abundantly in love. If the account goes to zero, your feelings for each other can become bankrupt. Dealing with problems is often like making a withdrawal from your shared love account. If the challenge is easily resolved, it's a small withdrawal. If the problem creates a big, messy, ugly scene, you can create the equivalent of a bounced check.
It's much easier to handle problems when there's an abundance of love in your love account. Therefore, make frequent deposits of love in your relationship account by charming your partner's heart. Remember to do the little actions that make a big difference in how your partner feels. It will immediately help both of you feel wonderfully intimate, and, when problems arise, you'll have plenty of love banked to help you ride out the storm.
1. People have specific, simple things that can be done or said to them to make them immediately feel loved.
2. You can find out how to easily charm your partner's heart by requesting she remember times she felt fully loved and asking what specifically made her know you really loved her.
3. When couples consistently take the actions that charm each other's heart, it creates an abundance of love in their shared “love account,” which makes it much easier to handle problems when they arise.
If you haven't already done so, find out what helps to charm your partner's heart. The shorthand way of doing this is by asking your partner, “When are a couple of times you've felt most loved by me?” Pause for his answer, then proceed. “What helped you know during those occasions that I really loved you?” Keep asking for as many details as possible. Also, ask yourself these questions and tell your partner what he does that helps you feel fully loved.