Look at a person's light, not their lampshade.
—JERRY JAMPOLSKY
Why do couples argue? After all, we all know that arguing is definitely not an effective form of communication. Long ago, I figured if I knew the real reason why couples argue, I could create an antidote to arguing that would actually work. After many years of watching so-called lovers beat each other up with words, I've come up with a theory that explains why couples argue, and how they can avoid ever arguing again. The methods I've discovered to avoid arguments really do work! In fact, they work so well that, if you use them as I suggest in this chapter, you may never have another argument again.
Before divulging exactly how to sidestep all arguments, it's important to understand what causes them in the first place. Arguments begin when one or both partners dip below a certain level in their self-esteem “bank account.” The reasons for the temporary dip in self-esteem can be anything—a bad day, a snide comment, or simply a lousy mood. Once a person feels bad, the first thing she tends to do is look for someone or something to blame. If you happen to be in the area at the time she feels bad, you make an easy target. If you're adding gasoline to the fire of her bad mood, so much the better for blaming you.
There's an old saying that “It takes two to have an argument.” Quite true. When we're in a bad mood, the first thing we try to do is raise our level of self-esteem. Unfortunately, the way we do this is completely ineffective. Typically, we try to bring our partner down to our level, so that, in comparison to our partner, we no longer have a lower level of self-esteem than she has. We mistakenly think that bringing our partner down will, in effect, make us rise. That's why, when we're in a bad mood, we seem to want to pick a fight. Misery loves company. When we get below a certain level of mood or self-esteem, this babyish way of behaving takes over, and our unsuspecting mate almost always falls into our trap.
Once an argument has begun, we make another mistake. We think the way to feel better is to prove that we're right and our partner is wrong. I guess the logic is, if we're right and they're wrong, we'll gain valuable and much needed self-esteem points. Of course, it doesn't work like that. As we attack our partner, they fight back. Like wounded animals fighting for survival, we get vicious. We say things simply to hurt our partner, once again thinking that if we can wound them we'll at least be in a better position than they are. It can get pretty ugly.
For many years, I coached couples to gently express their needs without blame as a way of sidestepping arguments. In my office, under my watchful eye, it would work quite well. Yet, couples often reported it didn't work so well back at home. When in a nasty mood, they would invariably express themselves in a way that blamed their partner for their feelings. I finally understood why honest communication wasn't working. To communicate honestly, it's necessary to be a sane, rational person. Well, when we're in a really bad mood or in the heat of an argument, we become temporarily wacko! We behave like bratty babies, and babies are not very verbally adept. I finally realized that honestly expressing one's needs and feelings was not going to be the Holy Grail that would end all arguments.
When I noticed we behave like bratty babies when we get into a fight, I asked myself, “What helps bratty babies feel better?” The answer was obvious: They like to be held. As parents gently hold their baby, the baby soon feels better. Before you know it, the infant is giggling and happy. I wondered if a similar approach might work with adults. After much trial and error, I found something that works even better than I expected. I call it the “Spoon Tune.”
One of the great things about the Spoon Tune is how easy it is. When we're upset, we don't have the capacity to do anything complicated. Luckily, the Spoon Tune has just two simple steps to it. First, at the earliest sign of upset, lie down with your partner in the spoon position. Spooning is a way in which many couples sleep. It consists of having one person's front side hugging the other person's back side. Couples can also spoon standing up if they're in a place where they can't lie down. Although holding your partner in this manner is probably the last thing you want to do when upset, force yourself to do it. Sometimes I think to myself, I have a choice between spooning for four minutes and feeling fine, or I can stay upset and ruin the rest of the day. When I clearly see that those are my two options, I begin spooning.
Next, while in spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate. Generally, it's best for the bigger partner to follow the breath of the smaller partner. When the smaller person inhales, the other partner should inhale. When the smaller partner exhales, the other should exhale. Hold each other and breathe in unison like this for at least four minutes. Don't say anything. As soon as your mind wanders, focus once again on breathing in unison with your partner.
No matter how upset you are at the beginning of this simple exercise, you will find yourself quickly calming down. The combination of being in the spooning position and breathing together puts people back on the same wavelength. When you share energy in this way, it creates a feeling of safety and connection at a very deep level. Although your mind may be racing and storming, your bodies and souls can't help but connect. By the end of four or five minutes, you may not even remember what you were upset about. At the very least, you'll feel more connected and safe, and you'll be much better able to work things out without hurting each other.
One of the first times I used this method with Helena, I was extremely upset. After all, I knew I was totally right, and she was being totally unreasonable (isn't that always how it feels?). Previously, we had made an agreement that if either of us asks for “a tuning,” we must do it—whether we want to or not. Well, I didn't want to Spoon Tune, because I was just about to show her how wrong she really was! But our agreement was that if one of us doesn't agree to spoon within two minutes of being asked, he or she has to rip up a $10 bill. Just the thought of ripping up a $10 bill sobered me up, so I proceeded to grudgingly Spoon Tune with her. I was determined to keep being upset throughout the four required minutes—so I could then finish telling her how wrong she was. It didn't happen that way. Below is a transcript of the thoughts inside my head as I began to Spoon Tune:
I can't believe she's making me do this. She is being such a bitch! She won't even listen to me because she knows I'm right.
(We breathe together.)
I'm not going to simply let go of this. After this spooning is over, I'm really going to let her know how unfair she's being.
(We breathe together.)
Well, I may have contributed a bit to the problem, but it's mostly her fault. After all, she's the one who started it.
(We breathe together.)
Well, she probably didn't mean to hurt me . . .
(We breathe together.)
Perhaps I was also a bit insensitive.
(We breathe together.)
It wasn't really that big of a deal.
(We breathe together.)
Gee, I sure enjoy holding her.
(We breathe together.)
What we share together is really very special. I'm grateful this isn't a major problem.
(We breathe together.)
Four minutes are up. Helena asks me, “Was there something you wanted to say to me that you didn't get a chance to say?” I respond, “Umm, ahh, I don't really remember what we were upset about. I feel good again, and that's all that matters.” And that's really how it felt. Once the feeling of connection and safety is reestablished through the Spoon Tune, there is no need or desire to argue. You feel like you and your partner are on the same team again. If there is still an issue to resolve, it's much easier to do so. Oftentimes, the issue, which seemed so big just minutes before, has become totally unimportant.
I have found a couple of things helpful in using the Spoon Tune effectively. First, it's important to create an agreement with your partner that the next time either of you ask to spoon, the other partner will immediately proceed to do so. It's useful for this agreement to be ironclad, preferably in writing. When you're upset, spooning with your partner is not the first thing you'll want to do. Therefore, you might want to create a penalty for failing to keep this agreement. Helena and I have agreed to rip up $10 if one of us refuses to spoon within two minutes of being asked. In six years, we've had to do this only once. Some couples I know have agreed to buy their partner a special gift if they refuse to spoon. Whatever you both agree to is fine, as long as it helps to motivate both of you to keep your commitment.
Once you begin the Spoon Tune, no talking is allowed. If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that's not possible, spoon standing up. The key to doing this method successfully is to breathe together. As you breathe together, try to focus on and be present with your breath. Use your breath as a meditation. By focusing on your breath as it goes in and out in rhythm with your partner's breath, you will feel more peaceful, safe, and connected. Spoon for at least four or five minutes.
Once you're done spooning, you have a couple of options. You can simply forget about whatever led to the upset and go about your business, or, if you feel it's necessary, you can talk things over with your partner. If you need to work something out, you'll be in a much better frame of mind to do so. You can proceed to nimbly use the methods for working through problems that are discussed later in this book.
You need not wait until you're upset to use the Spoon Tune. In fact, it's a great way to connect with your partner anytime. Many couples find it to be an easy and satisfying way to unwind after a stressful day. It can also be a very effective way to connect with your partner before making love. The hardest thing about this method is remembering to use it. Be on the lookout for times when you or your partner begin to get upset or either of you feels stressed. In order to use the Spoon Tune correctly the first time you get angry with each other, it's a good idea to try a practice run when you're not upset. By having your partner read this chapter and create an agreement with you about using this method, you'll be fully prepared to sidestep your next argument. Once you use it the first time and see how well it works, you'll be hooked.
I have found one other method useful in circumventing arguments. It works by helping to create a safe space for communicating the negative feelings that often lead to arguments. I call the method “And What Else?” Like the Spoon Tune, the key to its success is its simplicity. It's almost impossible to misuse. It's especially useful for couples in which one partner feels a strong need to talk, instead of being touched, when they are upset.
“And What Else?” works by allowing you to speak without the threat of any interruptions. While you speak, your partner is not allowed to say anything in response to what you say, except for the words “And What Else?” Meanwhile, your job is to explore and verbalize all that's going on with you. When and if you take a break in your speaking, your partner will encourage you to go on by simply saying, “And what else?” When you feel you've said absolutely everything you want to say, you declare, “I'm done.” Then, if your partner desires, she can request that she speak while you listen. Below is a transcript of a couple named Jenny and Joe performing this exercise:
Jenny: Can we do “And What Else?”
Joe: Okay.
Jenny: I feel like you don't appreciate anything I do anymore, and I'm getting sick and tired of catering to your every need! I feel like you treat me like a maid.
Joe: And what else?
Jenny: You expect me to do the dishes, the laundry, and take care of the kids without even saying a thank you, and yet the moment I ask you to do anything, you give me a dirty look. Why should I even try? It's not worth it.
Joe: And what else?
Jenny: I'm tired. I'm really tired. I need to know you appreciate me. I want to feel special. I want you to treat me like I'm more important to you than a baseball game. I want to feel close to you again.
Joe: And what else?
Jenny: I want you to hug me more. I need to be held. Remember how you used to hold me and tell me funny stories? I miss sharing those moments with you. I want us to share special moments again. I don't want to nag you or blame you. I just want us to care more about each other. I know I've been upset at you lately. I guess I just need to know you still care about me.
Joe: And what else?
Jenny: I'm done.
Jenny starts out attacking Joe, but as she's allowed to explore all that's going on with her, she softens. She begins to realize what she's really needing, and she acknowledges the part she's played in the problems they're having. Had Joe started disagreeing with each thing she said, an argument would have surely ensued. But instead, Joe's soft response of asking “And what else?” provided Jenny with a safe environment to go beyond her blame.
In the martial art of aikido, students learn to not resist the energy of their attackers. Rather than try to defeat their attackers, aikido masters simply aim to render their opponent harmless. A similar philosophy underlies “And What Else?” By not resisting the feelings and thoughts of your mate, you make it impossible for him to maintain an adversarial position toward you. This allows him to go beyond his anger and into the deeper causes of his discomfort. Anger and blame are like the skin of an onion; peel off the skin and there are other layers of emotion that exist underneath. If you create a safe environment for your partner to explore what's beneath his anger, he will often do so.
Another advantage of “And What Else?” is that it can help the listening partner to really hear what the other person is saying. Normally, as your partner speaks, it's common to begin rehearsing a rebuttal to his accusations. Yet, if you know you aren't allowed to respond other than to say, “And what else?” the momentum to rehearse your response diminishes. As you listen better, your partner will feel more accepted. As he feels more accepted, he will feel safe enough to go beyond his blame and defensiveness.
Just as you did with the Spoon Tune, it's important to make some sort of agreement with your partner regarding when you'd be willing to use the “And What Else?” method. For my counseling clients, I suggest they both agree to use it within five minutes of being asked to do so, unless one of them has a prior commitment—such as an appointment with a third party. As soon as one person has said all he wants to say, the other partner can ask for her turn to be listened to if she desires.
It's best that partners delay discussing what was said during this exercise—for at least a few hours. That way, you can avoid responding from emotional upset. If your partner says something you feel you need to respond to, wait until you feel more centered. Trust me on this one. If you try to clarify what your partner said or immediately respond to them in any manner, it will likely lead to an argument. You may even have good intentions for asking them a question or making a clarifying remark—yet it will still likely lead to a fight. The inability to immediately respond is what really makes this method useful. Don't try to compromise the method. I suggest you wait at least an hour before you respond to anything your mate says during the “And What Else?” process.
Arguments occur when two people are talking (or yelling), and no one is listening. This is a clear sign that communication has broken down. In the heat of such exchanges, a lot of hurtful and destructive things can be said that can damage the level of trust you share with each other. If you make an agreement with your partner to use either or both of the tools I've discussed in this chapter, I'm confident you will experience a positive shift in your relationship. When two people go beyond the tendency to argue, they can open themselves to a deeper level of trust, safety, and love.
“And What Else?” like the Spoon Tune, can be used anytime. You need not wait until you or your partner are upset. Some couples use it as a ritualized way to unwind after coming home from work. Having someone attentively listen to you can be a very healing experience. In a matter of a few minutes, you can let go of the past and feel fully refreshed and acknowledged. After you've used the phrase “and what else” a couple of times, feel free to come up with your own words that help your partner to further explore their thoughts and feelings. For example, you might say, “Tell me more about how you view that situation.” Play with these valuable communication tools. They can be like stairs that allow you to climb to higher levels of love in your relationship.
1. Arguments are typically caused by one or both partners having a temporarily low supply of self-esteem, which results in blaming one's partner as an ineffective way of trying to elevate one's own self-esteem. When a person is in such a state, it is not useful to try to discuss something.
2. By holding your partner in the spooning position and breathing together for four or five minutes, it will calm you down if you're upset or stressed. Agree to do this with your partner the next time either of you get upset. The Spoon Tune is also a great way to relax and bond with your sweetheart when you want to be more intimate without talking.
3. When your partner is upset, you can gently ask her, “And what else?” during pauses in her speaking as a way to encourage her to let off steam. As your partner is allowed to vent without any interruptions or defensive replies, she will usually calm down and become more centered.
The next time you and your partner are upset with each other, immediately ask him to do a Spoon Tune with you. See how differently you feel after four or five minutes of tuning with him. Or if you prefer, you can do the “And What Else?” game instead. Right now, make an agreement with your partner to use one of these tools the next time either of you request it. You might even create a negative consequence if the tool isn't immediately utilized when requested. It's a good idea to put this agreement in writing.