You're either part of the solution, or you're part of the problem.
—ELDRIDGE CLEAVER
Frank and Cindy had only one big problem in their twenty-five-year marriage. Unfortunately, because they never resolved how to handle the money issue, the two of them were constantly bickering. Despite twenty-five years of heated discussions, they hadn't made much progress. Like most couples with a thorny issue, they were still trying to decide whose problem it was, and the mere fact they were still arguing about it made them even madder. Several times a week, when some event would trigger their money buttons, they would endlessly repeat why it was their partner's problem that was causing the difficulty: a pointless waste of time.
Many couples fall into the same trap as Frank and Cindy, because they never actually agree on how to solve any of their problems; the result is that they have to keep dealing with the old ones—as well as all the new ones that inevitably arise. Before they realize it, couples can feel buried by an avalanche of problems. The way to sidestep this trap is to learn how to solve problems—once and for all, no matter what the issue is. However, like other communication skills, there are effective and ineffective ways to negotiate agreements that resolve problems. Couples who master this skill find that lasting trust and love is created.
In chapter 7, I discussed how different rules be-tween partners can have a major impact on the harmony in a relationship. I encouraged partners to reveal their rules in as much detail as possible. As partners express their rules, areas of disagreement quickly become apparent. For example, if the woman feels the man should pay for everything, and the man feels otherwise—there is a problem.
This chapter is near the end of the book for a reason. To negotiate successful agreements, it's helpful to know all the previous information presented. You need to know about avoiding blame, how to be heard, how to help your partner feel loved, and especially about “A PI SWAP” from the previous chapter. The “A PI SWAP” method is a great way to begin the process of looking for solutions to problems you have in your relationship. To refresh your memory, the A stands for Appreciation. Take turns appreciating something about your partner. This helps to remind both of you that, despite a difficult issue, you still care for each other. The PI stands for Positive Intention. Express to your partner the ultimate result you hope to achieve from creating an agreement. The SW stands for Say What, as in say what you see as the problem or issue. And, finally, the AP stands for Ask Partner, as in ask your partner what they think is an equitable way to solve the issue at hand.
When negotiating an agreement with your partner, I've found it helpful to ask a slightly different question than what you asked when you wanted her to change. Negotiation is the art of compromise, and before asking your mate for solutions, it's helpful to give her a context in which her solutions could fit. You can do this by saying, “Considering what we each want here, what do you propose that might work out better for both of us?” This question will help guide your partner to think of solutions that are more likely to work for both of you.
There are two added steps to creating agreements. The first I call “Create an Experiment.” When trying to solve a problem, what commonly gets in the way is the fear of committing to any long-term agreement. After all, how can one know if a solution is fair and workable until it has been practiced in real life for a while? To avoid this fear of commitment, I suggest couples agree to a solution as an experiment. If they try something and it clearly doesn't work for one or both partners, either of you can request a new agreement. Typically, I suggest couples try a solution for a couple of weeks before they discuss together how well it's working. Having an experimental attitude toward solving problems makes it much easier to create agreements.
The second added step for negotiating agreements is to clearly declare what solution you are going to try. When making a declaration, it is important to be clear and to create a simple ritual that connotes that a deal has been reached. You might simply state the experimental solution out loud and shake hands or perhaps write it down on paper and sign it. Whatever you and your mate do, make sure there is a sense of clarity and commitment to the new approach of handling the problem. With the added steps of creating experimental solutions and declaring your agreement, “A PI SWAP” becomes “A PI SWAPED.” The E is for experiments, the D for declare.
To see how such an approach works in real life, I'll use a recent example from my own relationship. When something angers or upsets me, I tend to exaggerate how bad the situation is. Helena quickly tries to point out how I could remedy the problem—which just annoys me further. As you read through the transcript of how we worked through this problem, keep in mind the “A PI SWAPED” acronym as a general map of what is occurring.
Me: Honey, I really appreciate how you are willing to give me honest feedback on my writing. It makes me feel cared for.
Helena: Oh, good, I enjoy doing it.
Me: I'm wondering if I could talk to you about a problem I've been having with expressing anger.
Helena: Sure, sweetheart. (She really does talk like this.)
Me: Well, I don't like how I express anger around you. My hope is we can come to an agreement about a better way we both can deal with my anger. I think if we can do that, I would be able to get over being angry more quickly and spend more time being intimate with you.
Helena: That sounds great, honey.
Me: I've noticed when I get upset, you immediately try to fix what causes it, or you try to convince me it's not as bad a situation as I'm making it out to be. Both these responses seem to make me more annoyed.
Helena: Do they make you more annoyed because you don't feel I'm listening to you?
Me: I think they bother me because it's not what I emotionally want in that moment. Since I'm upset, I guess I'm not very rational at those times. Do you have a guess as to what would help me work through my upset more quickly?
Helena: Well, I could just be silent and listen to you.
Me: I think that would be better than what's happening but not ideal. Would you be open to hearing my suggestion?
Helena: Sure.
Me: I'm embarrassed to say it, but during times I'm upset, I think I want you to give me lots of empathy and agree with me about how bad it really is. I want my pain to be fully acknowledged. Would you be willing to do that as an experiment when I'm angry—and we'll see if it works?
Helena: Okay.
Me: It's a deal?
Helena: A deal (we shake hands).
Because human beings are not predictable, your partner may interrupt or veer from your “A PI SWAPED” script. You too may slip up and get off track. But your job is to always bring it back. As you proceed through the steps of the agreement process, you'll finally create an agreement that may very well eliminate an entire category of problems from your relationship. Rather than feel your relationship is burdened with heavy problems, as you create workable agreements you'll once again feel the lightness and joy you felt when you first got together.
Since the rules we've used in the past for relationships have broken down, it's more important than ever to negotiate agreements with one's partner. Of the dynamite dozen, I've found the one that causes the biggest problem for most couples is the issue of money. Who pays for what and when? Who controls the money? What if you're married and one person wants to buy a new car and the other doesn't think it's prudent? These are tough questions, yet if you can work out agreements about how to handle these important issues, you'll save yourselves years of pain and struggle.
I taught the “A PI SWAPED” method to Frank and Cindy, the couple I saw who always argued about money. Like any couple who has struggled with a single issue for many years, there was a lot of emotional charge around the subject. Negotiating even a temporary solution was like walking a tightrope while drunk. Both Cindy and Frank had a tendency to fall off the rope—and fall victim to the endless cycle of blame. My job was to “throw them a bigger rope,” in the form of reminding them about the “A PI SWAPED.” Here's the transcript of what happened:
Me: Since we've been talking about what you appreciate about each other, I think we can skip that step for now. Cindy, why don't you begin by expressing what your positive intention is in trying to better resolve the money issue?
Cindy: Frank, I want to feel less tension and more trust in our relationship. I want to feel more in control of my life. I don't want to deal with your nonstop suspicion that I'm going to waste a lot of money on—
Me: Time out. That last statement sounded a lot like blame. Now move on to the next step. Say what you see is the problem.
Cindy: The problem is Frank has a problem with money . . .
Me: Time out. The blame detectors are wailing. Instead of talking about Frank, talk about what you want that you're not getting.
Frank: She always does that; she's always blaming me for everything.
Me: I'm not the judge, and you two are not presenting a case to me. Your goal here is to focus on resolving a problem that has consistently damaged your relationship. Let's try to avoid scoring points against each other and instead focus on coming up with possible solutions that might just help.
Cindy: The problem is that I would like to spend money without fearing that Frank is going to question every purchase I make. I would like to know how much money we actually do have, and if we have enough—sometimes spend some on ourselves rather than always putting it into our savings.
Me: Frank, why don't you say what you think the problem is?
Frank: The problem is she simply doesn't trust me to handle and control the money.
Me: I hear alarms going off, Frank. Would you care to restate that in terms of what you need that you're not getting?
Frank: Well, I don't feel comfortable having Cindy spend as much money as she would like to spend. I want to feel like we have enough money for our retirement, and I worry that unless I have control of the money, we won't have enough to be comfortable when we retire.
Me: Congratulations! You've made it at least halfway. Now I want both of you to take turns asking the other this question: “Considering what we each want here, what do you propose that might work better for both of us?”
Frank: Based on what you know about my needs, do you have suggestions for what would help to resolve this issue?
Cindy: As a matter of fact, I do. How about you keep control of the money, but you give me $75 a week to spend on whatever I like other than essentials and groceries. Also, I'd like for you to go over with me how much we have in our savings account and mutual funds, and if it looks like we're doing okay, plan a nice vacation together this year. In exchange, I agree not to use any of the credit cards without your permission, and I won't write a check for over $100 without your permission.
Frank: $75 a week, that's way too much! What do you need that kind of money for? I'm not a money tree. I have to work—
Me: Time out. Frank, rather than placing blame or making accusations, why don't you come up with a counterproposal that would work for you, keeping in mind Cindy's needs and desires?
Frank: Well, I'd be willing to go over our savings and such, and if we both agree we have enough money, we could plan a vacation. And I like the idea about not using the credit card without my permission and not writing checks over $100. But $75 a week for little knickknacks is way too much. I'd be willing to give her $30 a week—that's $120 a month!
Cindy: What can you buy for $30 a week? That's like living in poverty! I don't see why—
Me: Time out. Cindy, would you be willing to try $50 a week, just for a month to see if it works for you?
Cindy: Well, it's not what I want, but I'd be willing to try it.
Me: Frank, would you be willing to give Cindy $50 a week as an experiment to see if it would work?
Frank: I don't think that's very reasonable, but I don't see any other good option. I guess I'll try it—but just for a month. I want to be able to renegotiate this if it's not working.
Me: Both of you have the right to renegotiate this in a month if you don't feel it's working. Is it a deal?
Frank and Cindy: It's a deal.
Are you getting the hang of it? As you can see from Frank and Cindy, you must be more committed to reaching a solution than blaming your partner. Unfortunately, there's a major obstacle to using the “A PI SWAPED” method to resolve problems: It's hard work. Not only that, when you finally reach a satisfactory agreement, it won't feel particularly good. It will more likely feel as if you've received only part of what you wanted. After all, compromise means you give a little and you receive a little. On the other hand, continuing to blame your partner almost always feels good. You don't have to give at all, and you can feel righteous and indignant. The problem is, blame ultimately leads nowhere. It feels good in the moment, but it's like a cancer on the long-term prospects of your relationship because you never resolve anything. While resolving problems is hard work in the moment, the long-term effects on the relationship are increased love and harmony. Like many worthwhile things in life, you have to do some work before you can enjoy the rewards.
The upshot of the deal Frank and Cindy made is that it worked beautifully. As often happens, when the month was over they both were happy with how their experimental solution turned out. With this single agreement, their marriage was totally transformed. While they used to argue about money three or four times a week, in a whole month they had only one heated debate about money—an issue that was not covered in the agreement. Once they saw how well “A PI SWAPED” could work to resolve issues, they put other problems through the process. Not all their experimental solutions worked perfectly the first time, so occasionally they had to negotiate new solutions. Yet, within a matter of minutes, problems that had gnawed at them for years were often resolved.
As in the example of Frank and Cindy, the key step in the “A PI SWAPED” process is asking your partner something like the following question: “Considering what we each want here, what do you propose might work here for both of us?” When you ask that question, it forces your partner to think in a very practical and problem-solving manner. Because it's such a powerful question, you may find your mate initially resists the question or falls back into blame. Ask again. Ask until he finally answers or says he has no suggestions. If he has no suggestions, ask him, “Would you be open to hearing a couple of ideas I have?” One way or another, you want to steer the conversation toward practical, workable compromises.
Which issue in your relationship should you try to resolve first? My suggestion is to start off with a couple of little problems. This will help you to master the process before you tackle the really big issues. Once you feel comfortable with the process, feel free to slash your way through the dynamite dozen—or any other problem you currently are up against. With practice, you'll be amazed at how quickly you can create solutions for issues that have plagued you for years. While the solutions probably won't feel great at the moment, their long-term effects on your relationship will be miraculous.
1. Most couples have to keep dealing with the same old problems, because they never come to a specific agreement as to how to resolve anything. To avoid this mess, learn to negotiate agreements that work for both partners.
2. To resolve a problem with your partner, begin with the “A PI SWAP” method. Then, remember to add two additional steps: Brainstorm experimental solutions you'd be willing to try, and once you agree on something, declare it as a done deal.
3. Keep the conversation focused toward searching for solutions by asking, “Considering what we each want here, what do you propose might work better to satisfy both our needs?” Keep negotiating back and forth with your partner until you both agree on a compromise solution.
Pick a problem you have with your partner and decide to negotiate a solution to it using the “A PI SWAPED” method. It could be an area where you have different rules and you want to avoid future problems, or it could be a current concern. It need not be a big problem. The important thing is for you to immediately practice and get a feel for the technique by using it with your partner.