He who excuses himself, accuses himself.
—GABRIEL MEURIER
Trust is like the foundation of a relationship. Without it, the whole structure of a relationship simply falls apart. Even if you communicate with great skill, but trust has been broken, you won't get anywhere. Your partner will simply see your attempts as insincere and not hear anything you say. Previously, I discussed how the triggering of your partner's blame detector can temporarily lead to her not being able to hear you. Yet, when trust is broken, your partner won't be able to ever hear you—until trust is repaired. In my counseling practice, I often see couples who have been hurt so many times by one another that all trust has been destroyed. Teaching them how to communicate better is necessary but not quite enough to repair the damage. Therefore, if trust is broken with your partner, you'll need to know some additional skills in order to handle it properly.
The first thing to do when you think your partner is pulling away is to find out if there's really a problem going on. I encourage clients to use what I call a “trust thermometer.” A “ten” on the trust thermometer means your partner feels completely safe and trusting of you. A “one” on this scale means your mate doesn't trust you at all, and a “five” is about average. If you think your partner is pulling away, you can ask him or her, “Where am I on your trust thermometer scale?” If your mate says you're at six or more, you're probably doing okay, but if you're in the lower end of the scale, then there's some repair work that needs to take place.
Before discussing how to repair trust, it's useful to understand how it gets broken. There are two primary ways to damage or destroy the trust in a relationship. First, you can break an agreement with your partner. If the agreement is important enough, it may take only one broken promise to destroy the trust you've built together. For example, when one partner has an extra-marital affair, it can often leave a relationship in shatters. The second way to damage trust is through hurting one's partner in various ways. As with broken promises, sometimes a single hurt can decimate trust—such as when a man physically abuses his partner. Yet, more frequently there's a pile of little hurts that finally breaks the camel's back. I counsel couples to handle broken promises and piles of hurts in slightly different ways. First, we'll talk about handling broken promises.
Think back to a time when your mate broke an agreement with you, and you both knew it was his fault. What did you want from him? If you're like most people, you didn't want to hear his excuses and rationalizations. As his excuses babbled out, you probably became even more upset. When agreements are broken, I think people really need their partner to go through a four-step process I abbreviate through the acronym “RARE.” The R stands for responsibility. Before anything else occurs, if you break a promise, take responsibility for what you did. Only after you do that will your partner's ears be open to hear anything else. Taking responsibility means you now have an ability to respond to what's happened (response-ability). You can only respond if you first admit an agreement was broken.
After taking responsibility, apologize. People want to hear a sincere and heartfelt apology when they've been hurt. There's no getting around it. If you insist on avoiding this step, you'll end up hitting a wall. A sincere apology can go a long way in repairing trust. Since few people are willing to do it, it makes it even more powerful. Apologize for both the broken promise and the hurt that it caused. It won't cost you anything, and yet it will make a world of difference. In your partner's eyes, your stature as a person will dramatically rise.
The next letter is another R, which stands for request information. Ask your partner questions like “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?” or “Is there anything you want from me right now?” People react to broken agreements in different ways. By asking your partner what she needs from you, it'll help her to know you truly care. Listen carefully to her response, and do what you can to satisfy any request she has of you.
Last but not least in the RARE formula is E for entrust. The dictionary defines entrust as “to commit to another with confidence.” When agreements and trust are broken, the final step in the healing process is to create a new agreement you're willing to keep. If you fail to do this, your mate will likely feel you're not sincerely sorry you broke their trust. But when you proclaim a new promise, it makes a statement to yourself and to your partner that you really want to change.
We all make mistakes. Yet, most people magnify their mistakes by blaming others or denying the fact they even made them. Don't go that route; it doesn't work. Instead, be a RARE person who accepts responsibility, apologizes, requests information to help the situation, and entrusts a new agreement they plan to keep. While this process may be difficult, it doesn't take long, and it's very effective in restoring trust. Just as important, this process can help keep you from continuing with self-destructive behavior. It's a way of being honest with yourself—as well as your partner.
A year ago, I made an explicit agreement with Helena to not talk on the phone on Saturday nights—unless it was an emergency. Saturday nights are one of two nights a week where we make sure we spend quality time together. About a month ago, my sister called on Saturday night, and thinking it might be an emergency, I picked up the phone. It ended up it was just a social call, but I spent over an hour on the phone with her. By the time I got off the phone, Helena was quite upset. I had broken our agreement. My first impulse was to make excuses as to why it happened or to argue that it shouldn't be such a big deal. That would have added insult to injury. Instead, I used the RARE formula:
Me: I know you're upset, and you have every right to be angry because I broke one of our agreements. Honey, I'm really sorry I broke our agreement. I'm also sorry you're feeling hurt because of what I did. I made a mistake to answer the phone, but I didn't realize it until it was too late. Now that I've screwed up the evening, is there anything I can do to show you I care and help you to feel better?
Helena: (still upset) Why'd you answer the phone? You know how that makes me feel.
Me: I first thought it might be an emergency, and, by the time I realized it wasn't, I was unconsciously sucked into the conversation. I should have told her I needed to talk to her at another time, but I blew it. I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Helena: (still upset) You were on the phone for over an hour!
Me: You're right, and you have every reason to be mad at me. I totally ignored our agreement. I recommit to not answering the phone on Saturday nights, unless it's an emergency. Will you accept my apology and my renewed promise?
Helena: Okay. Can we hug? (We hug.)
In this example, I had to apologize and take responsibility a couple of times to satisfy Helena's need to know I was sincere. This is quite common. By taking the “onedown” position, and repeatedly admitting I was wrong, it helped her to once again trust me. In a two-minute conversation, Helena went from being very hurt and thinking I couldn't be trusted, to wanting to be close to me again. If that's not magic, then nothing is.
When partners frequently violate their mate's rules, the hurts can pile up and finally break the trust in the relationship. Oftentimes, a seemingly insignificant thing will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. You may not even know that trust has been broken, because you may not have done anything obviously wrong. In such cases, it's hard to use the RARE formula, because you wouldn't know what to take responsibility for or why you're apologizing. Instead, when it seems like a small hurt has caused a major breach of trust, you need to have a different approach for repairing the damage.
If your partner is pulling away from you, it's a good idea to acknowledge her pain, even if you don't know why she's feeling bad. Avoid defending yourself, trying to immediately fix the situation, or turning away. Simply allow your partner to feel her feelings and have empathy for what she's experiencing. Such actions can go a long way in healing the hurt. You might ask her what she's feeling and compassionately tell her you're sorry she feels bad. Then, simply listen. See if you can gain a better understanding of what's going on. The more you understand what's going on in her head, the easier it will be to mend the broken trust she feels in her heart.
The next thing you need to know is exactly why your partner is pulling away from you. If you have not done something obviously wrong, and yet your partner is quite upset, she must have interpreted some behavior or event differently than you. Let me give an example. A few years ago, Helena and I were on one of our first vacations together. Unknowingly, in an effort to save money I was violating many of her rules, such as where we should stay on vacation, where we should eat, and so on. As it began to rain, we stopped at a supermarket to buy some groceries. I commented to her, “Don't get your down jacket wet or it'll be useless.” As we drove away from the supermarket, I could tell Helena had completely shut down. The hurts had piled up and broken our fragile trust. I didn't know what I had done, but something was clearly wrong. Through acknowledging her pain and asking her gently probing questions, I found out my statement, “Don't get your down jacket wet or it'll be useless,” had triggered her shutting down.
The rational side of me wanted to scream, “What's the big deal with saying that?” Luckily, I knew better. Obviously, Helena had made my statement mean something other than what I thought it meant. So I asked her, “What did you think I meant by making that comment about your jacket?” To make a long story short, she thought it meant I was putting her down for needing a lot of comfort, and that we probably couldn't be a couple because we were too different. Once I knew how she had interpreted what I said, I could effectively go about repairing our broken trust.
I have found the question, “What did you think I meant by that?” to be profoundly useful in clearing up misunderstandings and hurts. We naturally assume people react to words the same way we do, but that's clearly not the case. Only when we know what's really going on in our partner's head can we mend the hurts that pile up from misunderstandings. The more information we have, and the more accurate it is, the easier it is to repair the damage.
Hurts pile up in a relationship largely due to misunderstandings. Rather than tell Helena she was crazy to interpret my statement the way she did, I simply acknowledged how she had a right to feel hurt based on the way she interpreted my statement. Then I told her, “What I meant to say was I'm concerned about your health and comfort, and I know if your jacket gets wet, it won't keep you warm and comfortable anymore.” When Helena saw the possibility I had a positive intention to my statement about her jacket, she no longer felt hurt. By clarifying the meaning of my words, the hurt could be repaired before it hemorrhaged into broken trust.
Once misunderstandings have been cleared up or talked about, the last step is to let your partner know how much you care. When people feel hurt, what hurts is the thought they are being rejected in some way. When Helena was hurt by my jacket statement, she was afraid I might not tolerate her need for comfort. The obvious antidote to her hurt was to express my love for her. As soon as she was convinced I really loved her, our trust was restored. For a little misunderstanding like this, it didn't take long to convince her I loved and accepted her. If misunderstandings and hurts have gone unrepaired for a long time, it can be quite a task to convince your partner of your love. Knowing how to charm your partner's heart is helpful, and so is patience.
Frequently, I encounter couples who have recently suffered a big breach of trust, such as an affair, and those who have piled up so many hurts that only a major act of forgiveness will allow the relationship to move forward. When a partner has been very badly hurt, he will usually need to fully express his hurt and anger before he can really forgive his partner. This is often best done within the context of individual therapy. If the hurt partner tries to directly express his anger and hurt at his mate, it will frequently turn into an argument. Yet, in individual therapy you can get all those bad feelings out without doing additional harm.
When a client comes to me with a lot of pent-up anger, sometimes I give him the task of writing a really angry letter to his partner. In this letter, he writes all the details of how and why he's angry. I tell him to make the letter as nasty and as specific as possible. At the end of the letter, I encourage him to write about why it is now beneficial to let go of all this anger. Then, once the letter is done, I have him burn it. The burning of the letter is a symbol—it's time to start anew. From a clean slate it's easier to rebuild trust.
Trust, like love, can't be smelled, touched, or tasted, and yet it has massive power. Although it is invisible to our eyes, it is evident in our hearts. It is important to make consistent efforts to keep the trust thermometer glowing warmly in your relationship—and to be aware when it starts to chill. The moment you notice trust has been damaged, work to repair it as soon as possible. Like a recent wound, broken trust can get infected and spread if the right aid is not quickly applied. Yet, just as bones can grow stronger as they heal from being broken, so can trust grow stronger from being properly repaired.
1. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. It's helpful to be aware of how well (on a scale of one to ten) your partner trusts you, and you trust your partner. Always work to keep your trust strong, because once it's destroyed, it's hard to repair.
2. Trust can be broken by breaking important agreements with your partner. When that happens, restore trust by taking Responsibility for what you did, Apologize, Request information on what your partner needs from you, and Entrust a new commitment with your partner (“RARE”).
3. Trust can also be damaged by repeatedly hurting your partner in small ways. To deal with this, check your partner's trust thermometer, acknowledge their feelings, clear up misunderstandings by asking “What did you think I meant by that?” and tell and show your mate how much he means to you.
At some time in the future, your partner will feel hurt or distant from you for some reason. If you suspect that's the case, ask him, “On a one-to-ten scale, where am I on the trust thermometer?” If you're at the lower end of the scale, use the RARE formula offered in this chapter, or clarify what's wrong by asking, “What did you think I meant by (whatever seemed to lead to the situation at hand)?” Once you've talked things over, ask for his trust thermometer number again, and see if the level of trust has gone up.