Everybody is bound to bear patiently the results of their own example.
—PHAEDRUS
In order to keep love alive long-term in your relationship, I recommend three simple practices. First, periodically do special things for your partner. Although this idea is just plain common sense, it is not common practice. With all the things we have to do in modern-day life, practicing acts of kindness can get squeezed out of our busy schedule. My personal rule is to do at least one special thing for my sweetheart each week. Since I get caught up as much as the next guy, I ask myself each Sunday night, “What special thing could I do for my sweetie this week?” Then, I schedule it in my weekly planner.
When I tell seminar participants I schedule nice things for my partner, people wince. Yes, it would be more romantic if they just happened—and sometimes they do. But some things are too important to leave to chance. By scheduling acts of kindness, I know I won't get too busy and accidentally neglect our relationship. What things do I schedule? It's the simple things, done consistently, that count the most. Things such as leaving a love note, buying flowers, giving her a shoulder massage. By discovering how to enchant her heart, I know that what I do will have a powerful effect. Such weekly deposits into our shared love account have added immensely to our relationship.
The second practice that leads to long-term love is the ability to communicate in a loving and effective manner. My hope is you will continue to practice, play with, and explore the full menu of methods offered in this book. As you see fit, feel free to adapt these techniques to meet your needs. These methods are like power tools to help you build the temple of love you've always wanted. Take care of these tools. Learn when, where, and how to use them properly. And always remember their ultimate purpose is to move you and your partner to deeper levels of love, harmony, and understanding.
A third and final prescription for maintaining a loving relationship is what I call weekly housecleaning. Since no one likes to talk about difficult things, we often put them off. Of course, this simply allows them to build up and eventually turn into big, hairy monsters. Housecleaning is a time set aside each week to clean up any resentments or problems that have accumulated in the relationship. During this time, couples work to bring down any walls that are blocking the flow of love. In this book, I have presented many techniques for removing the barriers to love. Choose whatever you feel would work best for you and your partner. The important thing is to set aside a specific time each week to talk through whatever may have piled up. Once the discussion is over, end the talk by saying something you love or appreciate about your partner. This weekly cleaning ritual can make a world of difference.
As you get better at using the ideas and methods in this book, you should have little or nothing to clean up at the end of the week. It's usually best to clean up messes right when they happen. Yet, people often forget to do that, so the ritual of a weekly time to clear up resentments or hurts is useful. Following is a series of questions you can answer with your partner that will help you to quickly clear up blocks to intimacy. If you don't have time to go through the entire list of questions, there's one question that quickly gets to the heart of the matter: “Is there anything you're avoiding saying or communicating to me? If so, what is it?” When you get asked this question and you become aware of something, you will probably want to avoid talking about it. Instead, be courageous. Make a commitment to be honest in your relationship. Don't settle for a relationship mired by petty resentments and unexpressed hurts or desires.
The questions that follow are designed to help you and your partner share important information, which may not have been talked about during the course of a busy week. Take as long as you like to answer each question. Once you're done answering a question, ask the same question of your partner. When you're the one asking the question, feel free to ask your mate related questions that might further clarify or expand upon his or her initial response. If a brief conversation naturally unfolds, that's perfectly all right as well. Although I suggest answering these questions once a week with your partner, you're welcome to use them in other ways. Many couples have told me these questions help stimulate intimate conversations when they are having a nice dinner together or driving on a long trip. Feel free to adapt them to meet your needs. If possible, create enough time and an environment free of distractions so you can better enjoy this process and experience deeper intimacy with your mate. Good luck:
In my counseling practice, I've been honored to witness the transformation that happens when people learn how to communicate effectively. The good news is that being able to communicate in a loving manner is a skill that can be learned. I don't think there is any other skill that could be so easily learned and have such a major impact on the quality of your day-to-day life.
There are a lot of ideas and methods in this book to practice, but perhaps a simple metaphor will help you remember the right spirit in which to use these tools. Think of a young, fragile, innocent baby. A good parent treats their baby with love, tenderness, and gentleness— for they know their baby is very vulnerable. Your partner and, indeed, you are like that baby. Although we hide our vulnerability and fear in a thousand different ways, underneath our masks we are still very sensitive and easily hurt. The more your partner protects himself through lying, hiding, or blame, the more hurt and afraid he is. In your mind, see his vulnerability. Treat him as you would an innocent child, with love and tenderness. By creating a safe space for him to be the innocent child he is, the love between the two of you will grow.
You may encounter difficulties along your path of love that feel like a momentous wall. If that's the case, don't hesitate to get professional help. An effective psychotherapist can help make sense of the chaos and confusion you may find yourself in. Several years ago when Helena and I were going through a difficult period, we went to a therapist for a few sessions. Even though I knew all the right techniques, I knew we were stuck. It was definitely humbling to be a therapist and yet pay to see a therapist for help in my own relationship. Yet, it was one of the best things we ever did. The therapist quickly helped us past the impasse we had hit, and once over the wall, our communication skills have kept the love flowing ever since.
A few years ago, I had a dramatic encounter that helped me learn the importance of love, communication, and intimate relationships. I was being driven in a van with eight other people to the local airport. At seventy-five miles per hour, we hit a patch of ice and the van skidded sideways, overturned several times, and finally screeched to a halt. While this event was happening, my whole life passed before my eyes. I knew I might be dead soon, but I was peaceful. I began evaluating my life based on how loving I'd been and how well I had expressed that love. Fortunately, I walked away from that accident relatively unharmed. In the ensuing years, I've talked to many other people who have had near-death experiences, and they've all reported similar stories. Perhaps the main reason we are given the gift of life is to learn about love. Intimate relationships are a wonderful school for learning how to love more purely and effectively. Each and every step we take on the road toward love is a holy act. I wish you many blessings on your sacred journey.