We walk along the river path into town, past the clearing where the homeless people greet me as I pass, and one praises my ‘macarons délicieux’. Again Lou and Rhi are bemused. And I have no idea how he knows about the macarons: I’ve only left biscuits here, and only once.
Stephanie stays at home to start cleaning the rooms. I hope we’ve moved on from the flare-up. I know now that Fabien has no intentions towards her and I think the situation will pass. All she really cares about is that she can trust me, which means I must keep my promise to her. Nothing can happen between Fabien and me. A knot twists in my stomach and in my heart. But that’s how it has to be. Right now, Stephanie’s faith in human nature must be restored, for Tomas’s sake as well as hers. It’s his future too. And that’s why I have to do what I’m about to do.
We walk through the backstreets, the way Stephanie has shown me, a short-cut after the riverside clearing, making the journey much quicker to the brocante. With every step my heart is beating harder, and I wonder if Lou and Rhi can hear it. It would appear not, as they exclaim at the cream and peach walls, the red and orange terracotta roofs.
I slow as we head towards the brocante. I have no idea what to say to Fabien. We both know it was far from ‘a silly kiss’, but I have made a promise and I need to stick to it.
We walk into the courtyard through the big wrought-iron gates. I see him straight away and he rushes towards me.
‘Del,’ he says, then stops, seeing Lou and Rhi right behind me.
‘Fabien,’ I say, my voice cracking. ‘These are friends of mine from back home.’
‘Friends of Ollie and Del,’ says Rhi, pushing past me eagerly to shake Fabien’s hand.
‘Ollie,’ Fabien repeats.
‘Her husband,’ confirms Rhi, not letting go of Fabien’s hand, until Lou elbows her out of the way.
‘Out of the three of us, she’s the only one who’s married and she seems to have forgotten where she left him!’ She laughs, a little too high-pitched.
‘Her husband,’ Fabien repeats, and my cheeks burn. He knows Ollie and I have split up. What he doesn’t know is that I can’t look at him without wanting to wrap my body around his.
‘Mine left me, with two small children, twenty years ago,’ says Rhi, who was a teenage mum, a bit like Stephanie.
‘Mine died at the gym, trying to get fitter,’ says Lou, drily.
For a moment there is silence and I feel guilty. I had a husband, a life, and walked out on both. Not for anyone else, but because I was unhappy. Was I just feeling raw after losing Mum, after the failed IVF? Would we have found our way back into each other’s hearts if I’d stayed with him? Is Ollie showing he still loves me by sending Rhi and Lou over? My head starts to hurt. Just when I thought everything was clear in my mind. I look at Fabien. Did I feel like this when I first met Ollie?
‘Welcome, and how can I help today?’ He is nearly his usual cheery self and I almost can’t bear to hear it. ‘You have come for souvenirs to take home?’
‘Erm, no.’ I clear my throat. ‘Actually, Fabien, I need bedroom furniture, for my guests.’
‘I see.’ He nods. ‘You are staying, ladies? A holiday?’
‘Yes.’ They seem as unsure about why they’re here as I am. ‘Just until everything here is sorted.’
‘Sorted?’ says Fabien.
‘Just until …’ Rhi trails off. What was she going to say? Until they’ve persuaded me to go home? To go back to Ollie? Because he still loves me and this is just a blip?
‘Just for a while,’ I finish the conversation.
‘Then I look forward to seeing you around, ladies, both of you.’ He grins, and Lou smiles warmly while Rhi practically faints at his feet.
‘You look around and I will find what you need,’ he says. ‘Del? Would you like to join me?’ He gestures for me to follow. And I do.
He starts climbing over some furniture at the back of the barn-like building.
‘I have some more beds back here,’ he says loudly, for Lou and Rhi’s benefit, and then, in hushed tones, ‘How is Stephanie?’
‘She’s fine. Just a bit … upset. She thought … She likes you.’
He shrugs kindly. ‘It’s my fault. I should have realized. She is hurting.’ He looks at me and my heart flips over and back again. I turn my head away quickly, unable to find the words or the strength to keep my promise if I’m looking at him.
‘And all because of “a silly kiss”,’ he whispers. And I feel like I’ve been slapped across the face. I look up at him as his chin lifts, his eyes narrow. ‘I got carried away, I’m sorry.’
‘Look at these lamps! Only ten euro!’ Rhi is exclaiming. ‘We’ll take them.’
‘And this,’ says Lou, of a bundle of bedding.
Fabien is still gazing at me, the warmth gone from his eyes. I have no idea what to say.
‘You … agree?’
‘Of course,’ he says, and jumps down from where he’s standing on a chest of drawers. He switches the charm back on. Did he charm me? So nothing he said meant anything? It really was ‘just a silly kiss’. Then why had it felt like so much more? Is he already looking elsewhere? Or have I really hurt him with what I said, in the heat of the moment? I feel so stupid! The way I felt when I looked at him, the way I thought he looked at me, it felt so real at the time. And now he’s acting like we’re strangers. He’s making Lou smile and Rhi laugh as he shows them more of the gems he has in his warehouse.
‘Put it all together. Shall I put it on account, Del?’ he calls, as friendly as if nothing has passed between us.
‘Oh, I’ll pay,’ says Lou, reaching into her tasselled shoulder bag.
Fabien waves her away. ‘It’s fine. Del and I understand each other,’ he says.
I wish there was something I could say to make him understand why I had to say what I did. Anyway, even if I didn’t mean it, to him it was just a silly kiss. My eyes sting with tears I blink away.
‘Oui, merci. I’ll pay you soon,’ I say quietly, through my tight throat.
‘And I have some big pots of paint that might be useful. I can lend you brushes, if you like. Just drop them back when you’ve finished.’ I’m not sure if he’s talking to me or Rhi and Lou, but I thank him and wish I could wind the clock back to when we were standing by the truck with the smell of the lavender and his eyes only on me. ‘I’ll bring it all up later, and the lavender plants, if you’d still like them?’ he asks, making a note of all the items I have and rounding off the numbers to a very acceptable figure.
We leave the brocante. Fabien kisses Lou and Rhi on the cheeks and, very briefly, me. I yearn to feel his cheek against mine.
‘Well,’ says Rhi. ‘Whoever he goes home to at night is a very lucky person indeed.’
Yes, I think, very lucky. But it won’t be me, and my heart shatters all over again.