‘Gone?’ they say at the same time.
‘She can’t have gone! Not with Tomas here!’ says Rhi. If they’re looking as devastated as I feel, this must be happening.
‘Look.’ I hold out the note and slowly lower Tomas on to the chair, his ever-faithful companion Ralph by his side. He reaches out and puts one hand on top of his head.
Rhi takes the note and passes it to Lou.
We all look at it, written on a paper bag from the greengrocer.
Dear Del, Thank you for giving me and Tomas a home. Tomas has been so happy since he moved here. This is the kind of life I dreamed of for him. I cannot give it to him. But you can. And so I have decided to leave and let him have a life with someone who can do better than me. Please tell him I love him and have done this because I love him and want the best for him. Do not try to find me. This is for the best. Stephanie. x
‘She’s gone!’ Rhi looks at Tomas. ‘Without Tomas!’ He smiles a crumby smile and my heart cracks wide open. ‘Because she thinks you can give him a better life. She thinks she has nothing to offer.’
‘There’s a girl whose confidence is at rock bottom,’ says Lou, shaking her head. ‘You can’t rely on a man to fill the hole in your life.’
‘You can’t rely on a man full stop!’ says Rhi.
‘I don’t think that’s necessarily true,’ I say. ‘You’ve never trusted a man since Michael left you, and you don’t let anyone close enough so you can’t get hurt,’ I say.
They start to argue, but we all know now is not the time. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but it’s true. None of us has got it right.
‘You were the only one with a man and you dumped him,’ says Lou.
‘Not now,’ says Rhi, sensibly, and we all bite our tongues.
‘But I do know that I’m to blame for her feeling like this. She looked to me for advice. And after the business with Fabien …’
‘What business with Fabien?’ asks Lou, straight to the point again.
‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘She asked my advice about JB and I told her to go for it. I thought she was being so strong and brave when actually she was cracking under the strain. We have to find her.’ I shove the note into my back pocket. ‘I may not be a mum, but one thing I do know,’ I say, gesturing at Tomas, ‘is that everyone needs their mum.’ Mine had probably given me the strength to do what I’ve done here. She always made me feel that everything would turn out okay in the end. And if it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t the end, she used to say. Stephanie doesn’t have that person. She needs to know it will all be okay in the end. She needs to be with Tomas. And I need to swallow my pride. I need to talk to Fabien.