part0025

When I first arrived back on the island, I took comfort in the sense of isolation that this place offered. My desire had been to selfishly revel in the quiet of my childhood home and allow myself to plunge deeply into the mourning I thought I so desperately needed.

I’d left a life undone when I fled to college and never looked back. I dove into an existence full of new friends, activities, and parties to keep myself occupied and distracted from what was really going on in my life. Once I graduated, I fell into a job that worked perfectly to keep up my façade. Now that I was back on the island, I understood I was truly only existing. I hadn’t created a life in Skaneateles, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to create one on Fireweed either.

The problem with this entire scenario was that it was Mason Rhodes who showed me I’d been merely existing in life. He’d brought out emotions I’d never experienced. All it took was an exchange of glances or a smile from him and my world lit up. Even though we’d experienced more together, all it took was a kiss from him to send me to the stars. What that sensation showed me was that I’d been missing out in many facets of life. The excitement that ran through my veins when I was around Mason wasn’t only about Mason. It represented something more. I should be experiencing an enthusiasm for life itself—even in the little things—and instead, I’d chosen to operate in a state of numbness for all these years. It was a way of protecting my heart. I saw that now, but I wasn’t sure I was completely ready to open myself up either, and that created quite the dilemma.

I was deeply attracted to Mason. I adored him. I wanted to be around him. In fact, the idea that the house was almost complete made me sad.

But it also made me want to face something I hadn’t dared to face yet. I took a deep breath in, adjusting my life jacket, as my solo canoe and I floated in the calming water of the cove. Wispy swirls of fog and the shimmering mist surrounded me as I quietly bobbed in the canoe. A deep sense of loneliness washed over me as the quietness wrapped around my body. There was a distinct difference between self-imposed isolation and loneliness. As I thought about Mason moving on, and me moving back to Skaneateles, loneliness was what resulted. I hadn’t prepared myself for that. I also hadn’t prepared for the breeze that started to pick up in the cove.

I looked back toward the cliff and saw the warm glow of the house filling the windows. As I sat quietly in the canoe, it was almost as if I heard my mother’s voice beckoning me to stay. The slight hum of her voice, her laughter, swept across the sea and descended through my bones.

I was hearing things.

I was imagining things.

The occasional hammering and electric saws echoed into the air as Mason’s crew worked on the new deck but soon those noises faded and the new haunting demands from my mother emerged.

Dread washed over me as the winds began to unexpectedly pick up and the sense of loss flooded my body. The sorrow was a slow but steady build as my eyes focused on the water. I missed my family so deeply. The pain was too much. It was why I never allowed myself the indulgence to grieve. I took a deep breath in and my body cried out in one large sob all the years of sorrow I hadn’t allowed myself to have. I missed my mom’s touch, my dad’s laughter, my sister’s love. I missed it all. I missed all of them and now they were all gone and I was left with nothing. I gasped for air as my entire body shook with the overwhelming waves of regret as I allowed the grief to engulf me, and it did.

I never should’ve left Fireweed. As my cries outlasted my energy, and my arms wrapped around my knees, holding them tightly to my chest, I begged for the pain to go away. Every inch of my body ached for the ones I loved, the ones I’d never get to see again, hear again, touch again. I wanted one last moment with each of them. One more second. I wanted to tell them I loved them. I was proud of them and I hoped to make them proud.

A huge gust from behind pushed my canoe, and I quickly attempted to steady the boat. My fingers tightened around the paddle as the canoe rocked from side to side. Another call haunted me seemingly from beneath the water and my heart stilled. Being in the middle of the cove wasn’t safe for me. I needed to get back to shore. I couldn’t do what my father had asked of me. I wouldn’t be able to do what he needed before I returned to Skaneateles.

Just as I pushed the paddle through the water, an enormous surge of water crashed onto my back, and within in an instant, I was in the frigid water, my head sinking under the rolling wave. The life jacket popped me to the top of the water, but the waves continued to pummel into me as I fought to stay on top .

Saltwater flooded my mouth as I gasped for air and worked my arms through the water, kicking my legs in the freezing liquid. I could no longer spot the house or the shore, and my pulse raced with fear.

Do not panic. Keep kicking. Stay upright.

I searched for the canoe and spotted it. It was several yards away. I didn’t want to chance getting to the canoe and not being able to turn it over before another rogue wave thrashed me around. Attempting the breaststroke as my body bobbed up and down, I tried finding the right direction to get back to shore, any shore.

Another wave poured over my head, pushing my face under water again. The cold liquid held me below the surface, and my arms struggled to pull me up again as the breath I so needed escaped me. It felt as if there was more than the force of water keeping me under, but I wasn’t ready. My arms pulled my body through the saltwater, and my head sprang into the air as I hollered for help, my voice garbled as seawater flooded my mouth.

The sound of the haunting cries from my mother wafted through the air, and my world began to spin with the realization that I might meet my family’s fate. But I refused. I wasn’t ready.

I swung my arms in front of me and began sweeping through the icy water. The life jacket was doing its best to fight against the water’s strength, but there was something more battling me than just the sea. Choking on the salty water, I dog paddled to stay above the waves and as quickly as the gushes came, they stopped and the water calmed. It was as if the entire incident had been nothing more than a curious work of my imagination.

Mason’s voice echoed through the air, and I circled around, following the sound as my eyes watched him in the rowboat that had been under the cherry tree. I’d been pointed in the wrong direction. I never would’ve made it back to shore.

Relief spread through my body, but I knew it wasn’t over until both feet were planted on the shore. Tears of sadness mixed with happiness streamed down my face as I watched Mason quickly row toward me. The wind had turned to a soft breeze caressing my cheeks as the chill of the water picked at my bones.

“Help’s on the way,” Mason called, rowing up beside me.

“I can see that.”

He ignored my comment and feeble attempt at humor. He placed the oars in the boat before reaching out and grabbing hold of my vest. In one fluid motion he hauled me out of the water and into the rowboat. I tumbled in between the two sides of the boat and climbed onto the bench across from him. Everything seemed so surreal—the sky, the water, Mason. It all seemed unusually placed with each moment bending my reality.

“Medics should be here any second,” he said, His voice caught in his throat as he quickly grabbed the oars to get us back to shore .

“How did you know?” I asked.

The only holler I’d managed had been seconds before I spotted him. That definitely wasn’t what called him to the cove.

“I heard a woman’s wails while I was working on the deck. My crew didn’t hear them, but I kept hearing eerie sounds coming from the cove. I had no idea you were down there. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I left the guys and started down the trail, and that’s when I saw the overturned canoe. It must have been you hollering.”

“I only hollered right before you got in the boat.”

Mason’s eyes fastened on mine as he quickly rowed us back to the safety of the beach. “I know what I heard.”

I nodded. “I know what I heard too.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, his voice low.

I felt like I was about to hop aboard the crazy train so I stopped.

“You know, it probably was me. Everything happened so fast, I don’t remember when I shouted for help.”

Our boat slowly glided the last few feet as Mason got us to shore. He quickly hopped out of the boat and dragged it onto dry land before helping me out. The sirens made their way to the property, and my pulse quickened as my mind shifted back to that day.

“I don’t need the medics,” I said, as Mason quickly unfastened my life vest.

“You might have hypothermia.”

“I don’t,” I said, unable to stop shivering.

“Your lips are blue.”

Slipping off my life vest, he curled his fists into my wet shirt, and for an instant, it almost looked as if he was going to kiss me. Instead, he stripped off his shirt and peeled mine away, quickly covering my bare skin with the warmth of his cotton tee, but it didn’t stop my body from shaking.

Mason wrapped his arms around my shoulders and began guiding me up the trail where several of the crew, firemen, and medics met us halfway.

“Is this the victim?” one of the firemen asked.

“It is. Her canoe capsized, but I got her. I don’t know how long she was in the water. She might have hypothermia.”

“I don’t,” I assured them. “I’d just like to get in front of a warm fire rather than stand here in the breeze.”

I didn’t make a good case as my body trembled and my teeth chattered incessantly, but I was quickly guided up the trail and into my home. I hated to be the center of attention, and this was far beyond as Mason’s crew went into the hall closet, each of them grabbing towels and blankets and piling them on the floor around me, as the medics had me take a seat by the fireplace. Mason didn’t leave my side, but he instructed one of his men to start the fire, which he did.

A medic slipped a thermometer under my tongue as another one wrapped a cuff around my arm.

“She’s exhibiting tachycardia.”

I glanced at the medic.

“Body temp is low and patient is exhibiting tachypnea.”

“What is tachycardia?” I asked.

“An abnormally high heart rate,” the other medic answered.

“I almost drowned and swam my heart out. I’d imagine, my ticker would be thumping quicker than usual.”

“What about tachypnea?” Mason asked. “What’s that mean?”

“Rapid breathing,” the other medic relayed.

“Again, I’d say it’s not hypothermia but quite the workout that got my blood pumping and my breathing heavy.”

“Possibly, but I can tell you now the thermometer confirms that you do have a mild case of hypothermia. You have a temperature of 94 degrees.”

“Does she need to go to the hospital?” Mason asked, his voice tense.

The medic shook his head. “Not for a mild case like this. Keep her hydrated with warm liquids and covered with something that will keep her warm. When her temperature moves up a little, have her take a warm shower. Keep an eye on her temperature, and as long as it continues to climb, she’ll be fine.”

One of Mason’s employees eyed his boss and Mason gave a quick nod. The worker led the others outside again to resume work.

“Any questions?” the medic asked.

I shook my head and let out a sigh. This wasn’t how I’d imagined my weekend.

“Okay, well, we’re relieved this ended well.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, experiencing the seriousness of what happened. “I’m sorry about that.”

“No need to apologize. It’s what we’re here for. I’m glad it had a happy ending, but it’s that gentleman you should be thanking. Things could’ve turned out very differently if he hadn’t been here.”

I nodded and watched the medics gather their equipment and exit my home.

Mason grabbed a quilt that was rolled up in a basket. He let out a deep breath and draped the quilt over my shoulders.

“You scared the shit out of me, Tori.” Our eyes connected and comfort spread through me. “I know we live in the northwest and people go kayaking and canoeing by themselves all the time… but…” He didn’t continue. He waited for me to say something as he grabbed one of the towels on the floor.

Dripping wet and traumatized I stared at the fire as he wrapped my hair in a towel.

“Are you okay?” he asked, knowing I wasn’t ready to tell him why I went out.

“Yes, only a little wounded. Nothing time won’t heal.”

“Seeing you out there,” Mason wiped his eyes and my heart dropped. “Tori, I thought I might lose you and I haven’t even been able to call you mine.”

I pressed my lips together as he gathered me in his arms and held me against his bare chest.

“Please, don’t go out there alone. I don’t know why you went, but don’t do it by yourself next time. Please.”

I took in a deep breath, smelling a mixture of saltwater and Mason’s cologne, and I nestled deeper into his chest.

I felt his embrace tighten, and fear shot through me because for once, I felt like I was finally home and I wasn’t ready to face what that meant.

“Why’d you tense?” Mason whispered, his fingers softly rubbing my neck.

I wasn’t ready to tell him how I was feeling about him. I didn’t want to ruin it and I didn’t want to make promises I couldn’t keep.

“My father wanted me to sprinkle his ashes in the cove, where my mom and sister passed away.” I held back the tears that suddenly wanted to emerge. Shocked that it was easier for me to tell him this than how I felt about him made me wonder about so many things, all of which I didn’t understand.