The next two weeks went by and the lack of action for the team continued. They’d never seen a stretch like this where they were so inactive. It was kind of bittersweet. Though they were obviously happy for the reduction in crime, they were used to being busy, and not having anywhere specific to go was something new they were having trouble adjusting to.
Recker had just arrived at the hospital after getting a message from Mia about meeting her there for lunch. He went into the cafeteria, and after not seeing his lovely girlfriend yet, found their usual table empty and took a seat. He sent her a text message to let her know he was there and got a reply a minute later to say she was on her way down. Once she got there, her and Recker grabbed a couple of trays to get some food, then sat back down. As they began eating, Recker noticed an unusual look about Mia today. She seemed a little nervous or frazzled, not like her usual upbeat self.
“You OK?” Recker asked.
“Yeah, why?”
“Just seem… different.”
“Different how?” Mia asked in a worried sounding voice.
“Like you’re nervous or something.”
“Oh. No. I’m not nervous. Why would I be?”
Recker grinned. “I don’t know. That’s why I asked.”
“I’m fine.”
Nothing about her answers sounded fine to Recker. Her voice was slightly cracking, the way it does when someone isn’t confident in their answers and is trying to hide something. Her voice was giving it away though. Still, while Recker knew she was holding something back, he wasn’t going to keep pressing her on it right then. He didn’t like it when people did it to him, so he’d give the same courtesy he liked to get. Plus, he figured Mia would tell him when she was good and ready. Maybe it was a stressful day at work and she just needed to unwind a little bit.
“Tough day?” Recker asked.
“Umm, no, not particularly.” Recker nodded, ready to drop the subject entirely. Knowing she was probably sounding weird, Mia made a concerted effort to sound more normal. “So, uh, still not much going on for you guys, huh?”
“No, not much. Maybe it’s like the Old West. We came in, cleaned up the town, and maybe now we gotta move on to another one and do the same thing.”
Mia smiled, though it was clear she still had something else on her mind. It was a plastered-on smile that she had to manufacture to try to seem like she was interested. She could feel her heart racing as she thought about what it was she wanted to tell him. As they continued to eat, Recker looked down at Mia’s hands, which appeared to be shaking as she took a bite of her food.
“Are you sure you’re OK?” Recker asked.
“I’m fine. Why do you keep asking?”
“For one, your hands are shaking.” Mia looked down at them and saw them trembling a little. “Two, you just don’t seem like yourself.”
“I don’t?”
“Is there something wrong?”
Mia took a deep sigh to try to help her calm down and get out the words she wanted to say. But they just weren’t coming. This was a life-altering statement about to come out of her mouth and she didn’t know how to begin. She’d been thinking about it for several days, trying to think of the right way, the right environment, the right situation, but nothing ever seemed right. Every time she thought she was going to say something at the apartment, every time she tried to get the words out, she couldn’t seem to force them out.
Recker was starting to get a little more concerned about her, seeing a few beads of sweat form on Mia’s forehead. He couldn’t imagine what was so tough she was struggling to deal with. He reached across the table and grabbed hold of Mia’s hand, rubbing it to try to calm her down. Though he couldn’t imagine what it might have been, it obviously had to be big for her to be acting this way.
“Just calm down,” Recker said. “Relax.”
Mia took a gulp and nodded. “OK.”
“Everything’s OK.”
She could feel her heart rate come down a little bit, though it still felt like it was racing pretty good. She took a few more deep breaths to help.
“Now what’s going on?” Recker asked.
“Umm, I just… I don’t quite know how to say this.”
Those were strange words for Recker to hear, as she never really had a problem with talking to him before. He sat up a little straighter and released her hand as he tried to brace himself for what he assumed was a bombshell to come out of her mouth.
“I… um…”
Recker cleared his throat, wondering how long this was going to continue. He figured he was going to have to try to help her out by guessing at what the issue was. And he didn’t like what he was thinking. But still, it seemed like a good possibility.
“Do you wanna break up?” Recker asked, figuring that was the issue. “Go our separate ways? Is that it?”
A surprised look came over Mia’s face, mad at herself for giving off that impression. “No! No.” She then switched seats so she could sit next to her boyfriend instead of across from him. She grabbed his hand again and smiled at him. “No, I love you. More than ever. Why would you think that?”
“Because you’re sitting there looking nervous and you’re having trouble talking about something. Figured maybe you wanted to find someone else or something.”
“Of course not. You’re stuck with me for life.” Mia then leaned over and kissed him. “Unless that’s what you want.”
“What?”
“Is that what you want? To split up?”
Recker rolled his eyes. “No, it’s not. My life has never been more complete since you’ve been in it. I just don’t know what you’re having a hard time with. Whatever the problem is, let me help.”
Mia forced another smile. “I’m trying.”
“I mean, is it work-related, something to do with us, something personal, what?”
“I just don’t want anything to change with us.”
“So, it’s us?”
“I don’t know how you’re gonna react to this.”
Now Recker was starting to get worried himself. He couldn’t figure out what could have been troubling her so much.
“Mia, I can’t help you if you don't tell me what’s wrong.” A few tears started to show in the corners of her eyes as she dabbed at them. “Whatever it is, we can get through it. But I have to know what the problem is first.”
“It’s not really a problem. It’s just… things would change between us. And I don’t know if you would still want to stick around.”
Recker scrunched his eyebrows together as he tried to figure out what she was talking about. Mia took a few more deep breaths, determined to finally get the words out of her system. She squeezed Recker’s hand a little tighter.
“Mike, I’m late.”
“Late? Late for what?” Recker asked, assuming she just wanted to go back to work to avoid talking about it. “You just got here. It can’t be time to go back already.”
Mia shook her head. “No, I don’t mean that. I mean… I’m late.”
“Late?”
Mia nodded, hoping he’d get the message. Judging by his face, it didn’t seem like he did though.
“What do you mean, you’re late?”
Mia leaned back and put her hand on her stomach. “I’m late.”
Recker sat there with his mouth open, stunned. He finally got the message. Maybe he knew all along and was just hoping she’d say something else instead of what he was thinking. In any case, there was no doubt about her meaning now. Mia sat there, trying to get a read on her boyfriend’s face, hoping he was OK with the news. They’d never really discussed having kids before, so she wasn’t sure how he was going to take it. Judging by the fact he wasn’t jumping up and down, smiling and dancing, he didn’t seem thrilled by the news.
“You’re pregnant?”
Mia nodded. “Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure.”
“Well, I mean, just because you’re late doesn’t necessarily mean you’re pregnant, right? Could be any number of things. Could just be stress.”
Mia shook her head. “No, Mike. I took a test this morning. It said positive.”
“Oh.”
They sat there looking at each other for a minute, neither saying a word, trying to get their thoughts and feelings in perspective. The minute felt like an hour though. Recker wasn’t sure what to say. Though Mia was happy with the news, that happiness was offset a little bit by not knowing what it meant for her and Recker’s future together. She knew having a child was probably never in his plans. She just had to hope he still wanted to be there and could come to grips with being a father.
“So, what do you think?” Mia asked, somewhat fearful of the response.
This time it was Recker taking the deep breath. “I don’t know. It’s a lot to take in.”
“Are you mad?”
Recker shook his head. “No, of course not. How could I be mad?”
“Well, I know this isn’t probably something you saw coming or were ever hoping for.”
“Uh, well, no, it wasn’t.”
“So, what are you thinking right now?”
Recker half-smiled and let out what could probably pass for a laugh, not even sure what he was thinking. It felt like his mind was swirling around in a thousand different directions.
“I don’t really know. Are you planning on keeping it?”
“Yes,” Mia answered. “I couldn’t not do that. I mean, I would never judge someone else or force my beliefs on someone else, but for me, I couldn’t give it up. It was our choice to be intimate and we have to live with the consequences and be responsible for it.”
Recker nodded, understanding her point. “I agree with you.”
“I guess the bigger issue is whether you’re going to stick around for it.”
“You think I would just leave you because of this?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’ve been worried about it. I guess it’s why I had such a tough time talking about it. Because I know it’s not something you’ve ever really wanted, and I know it probably doesn’t fit in with your work and all, so I don’t know. I would hope not. I still love you and that wouldn’t change. I would hope you felt the same way.”
“I do. Nothing would change how I feel about you. I would think you’d know that.”
“But this is different. This would be a huge change. For both of us. I don’t know if anyone’s ever really ready to be a parent, but for some people it’s more of a change than others.”
“Have you ever known me to run away from anything?”
“No.”
“This isn’t any different.” Recker took another deep breath. “I can’t say this is something I’ve ever given a lot of thought to, or ever wished for, but I won’t hide from it. I’ll be there for you and the child. It may take some getting used to for me, and I may have to make some changes, but I’ll be there.”
Mia finally let out a real smile and gave her boyfriend a passionate kiss on the lips. “I’m so happy to hear you say that.”
“You really thought I’d walk out on you because of this?”
“Uh, no, not really. It’s just… it’s a big change. And not everyone reacts to news like this the way you think they will. I guess I was just hoping you wouldn’t pull a Mr. Hyde and change who you are after hearing it.”
“I would never do that. Like I said, it might take some time to get used to being a father, and I may not always know the right thing to do, but I’ll do my best.”
“That’s all I can ask. Well, almost all.”
“What do you mean, almost all?”
“Uh,” Mia said, faking a cough as she tried to figure out the best way to say the next piece of news. This part had to come second, as if Recker had decided to leave, it wouldn’t have mattered, anyway. But now he was committed, it had to be asked.
“What is it, twins or triplets or something?”
Mia laughed. “Of course not. At least I don’t think so. We wouldn’t know right now, anyway.”
“Mia, I doubt anything else could be as surprising as what you just said, so just spit it out.”
“OK. I know you’re committed to your work, and that’s fine, and I’ve always said I wasn’t going to pressure you to do something else or anything.”
“I feel a but coming on here.”
“But, if we welcome a child into this world, do you really think it’s best if you’re still out there doing what you do?” Recker just looked at her for a few seconds, not sure how to respond. She could already feel the arguments coming on. “I know, I know. I’m not asking you to stop today or anything. All I’m saying is, I don’t think it’s a great idea to have a child who’s always going to wonder if his father’s coming home that day.”
Recker looked away for a second and sighed, not believing they were having this conversation. “If the child doesn’t know what I’m doing, he won’t have to wonder.”
“And if you come home shot? Or with blood? Or a broken bone? Or bruises? What do we tell them then?”
“That I do security work. It’s the standard cover answer.”
“Mike, that will only work for so long. I mean, you do dangerous things, you put yourself in dangerous spots and situations, not to mention you’re still technically wanted by the police, you interact with criminals and crime lords… there’s a very real possibility that if you keep doing that for the next ten or twenty years, eventually, one night you’re not going to come home. Would you really want our child to grow up without a father?”
Recker stared at her, letting her words sink in. He knew she was right. But knowing she was right about walking away, and walking away, were two different things. This was the life he’d known for so long, he couldn’t imagine doing anything else. And there was no debating her point of view. It was one he long held himself. A person in his position could only interact with the type of people he did before it eventually caught up to him. It was just a matter of time. But that was a decision he had long ago accepted. Bringing a child into the world would have to change that for him. At least that’s what Mia hoped.
Mia knew it was hard for him to just walk away. It was so ingrained in him, that even fathoming any other career was an extremely difficult proposition. And she was sensitive to that. At least as much as any loving girlfriend could be. She never wanted to be someone who pushed their other half to do something they didn’t want, or away from something they were good at, even if it was dangerous. And she still wasn’t. She wanted it to be Recker’s call to walk away on his own. He needed to be the one who called it quits because it was what he thought was the right decision, not because it was what Mia wanted. She knew that if he only quit because of her, he’d likely never be happy.
“Listen, I’m not asking you to quit today, or even tomorrow, or even this year. I just want you to start thinking about the possibility of maybe walking away at some point.”
The strain on Recker’s face was obvious as he struggled to reel everything in. After a minute, he started nodding. “I never really planned on making it to social security age or anything. I never was able to picture myself growing old and gray.”
“I’m not gonna pressure you or anything, you know I’m not like that. I’ve never done that, and I never will. But it’s not just about you anymore. It’s about us. We’re gonna have a family.”
“I realize that. And, uh, I can’t disagree with anything you're saying.”
“Now I feel a but coming.”
“It’s gonna be hard for me to walk away.”
“I know that. And I’m not saying you must do it now. I know you’re not ready for that. And I don’t want you to do something you’re not ready to commit to yet. I just want you to start thinking about it. To start planning for the day in a year, or two years, or three years, when you eventually do walk away. That way David and Chris can start preparing for life without you.”
“Life without me. Sounds funny to hear it.”
“Do you think they’d have a problem if you eventually do that?”
“No, I don’t think so. I dunno. When we started this, I don’t know if David pictured it lasting forever.”
“What did you think?”
“I wasn’t really focused on the long term at that point. I’d just gotten back from London, needed a purpose, needed a way to find Agent Seventeen, needed to put my past behind me. That’s pretty much all I was focused on at the time. A few years down the line… I wasn’t even sure I’d make it that far.”
“David could always find another person to replace you, couldn’t he?”
“I’m sure he could. I’m sure I’m not the only one who fits the profile. Chris proves that.”
“So, you’ll think about it?”
“What else would I do?” Recker asked. “I couldn’t just sit home all day playing Mr. Mom. I need to be productive.”
“Well, I wouldn’t ask you to sit home all day. But there’s things you could do.”
“Like what?”
“You could start your own business. Money’s not an issue.”
“Doing what?”
“I don’t know,” Mia replied. “You could start your own security company. Or a consulting company, or even a private detective agency, you know, just a little more legal than what you do now.”
“If I’m doing things similar to what I’m already doing, then what’s the point?”
“The point would be that you’re not the one who’s actually out there getting shot at. Start a consulting business, you can advise others how to have better security. You can hire others to go out there while you sit in the office counting the money.”
“Sitting in an office all day isn’t exactly my cup of tea.”
“I know it isn’t. But we all must make changes to our life at some point, don’t we? If not for ourselves, then for others.”
Recker sighed again. “I’ll start thinking about it.”
Mia gave him a look suggesting she didn’t quite believe him. That maybe he was just saying it to make her feel better or to shut her up. “Really?”
“No, I will. I promise. I know you’re probably right, and at some point, for the sake of our family, I’ll have to start making changes. I don’t know, and can’t promise, when that will be, but I will start thinking about it. And I know at some point, I’ll have to walk away. I know that.”
Mia smiled at him, knowing it was hard for him to admit that, or even say it. She was proud of him for not being stubborn about it and pulling away. She put her hand on his face and gave him a kiss.
“That’s all I can ask. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
A few more minutes went by before Mia had to go back to work. As Recker watched her walk out of the cafeteria, his mind was suddenly hit with everything they just talked about. He let out several deep breaths, certainly not anticipating hearing anything close to the bombshells that had been told to him that day. This wasn’t how he thought the day would go.
Now he started thinking about whether he should tell Jones and Haley or just keep it to himself for a while. He knew that whenever it was time to go, he wasn’t just going to spring it on his partners suddenly. He’d want to give them plenty of time to prepare, and potentially find someone else if that’s what they wanted. He tried to take his mind off his current issues by thinking of something else. He would have preferred to be in the middle of a gunfight right now. Anything but what he now had to deal with. But he couldn’t. The situation was what it was and now he had to deal with it. He knew at some point, he would have to walk away. But not just yet.