With Jones working on the computer, and them too frustrated to do anything else right then, Recker and Haley went into the kitchen and made a couple sandwiches, having a quick dinner. After they were done, they cleaned up in the kitchen, Haley ready to rejoin Jones and talk about what they were going to do next. Recker, though, stood there for a moment, his back up against the sink. Haley noticed the phone in his partner’s hand.
“Time to give Mia a buzz?” Haley asked.
“Yeah, I guess I better.”
Recker said it in a way that made Haley pause. “Something wrong?”
“Uh, I don’t know. Just something doesn’t seem right I guess.”
“With what?”
“Mia. I dunno, maybe it’s nothing.”
“She OK?”
“I don’t know. Just feels like the last few times we’ve talked, something was bothering her.”
“You ask her about it?”
“Yeah, she said nothing was wrong.”
“What makes you think there is then?”
“Just the way she’s talking,” Recker said. “She’s more subdued, low-key, almost like she’s depressed or something.”
“Maybe she’s just missing you.”
“Yeah, maybe. Just feels like there’s more to it than that. Like there’s something she’s not telling me.”
“Maybe something’s wrong with work,” Haley said.
“I asked. She said everything’s fine. I don’t know what else it could be.”
“Like I said, she’s probably just missing you and is trying to not let on so much and have you worry.”
“Maybe.”
Recker went into the bedroom and closed the door. He sat on the edge of the bed and called Mia. She picked up after the second ring. There was only a five-hour time difference, so he figured she had probably just eaten dinner.
“Hey,” Mia said, trying to sound as upbeat and positive as she could.
“How are you?”
“I’m… I’m good. How are you?”
Recker could see right through her words though. He knew something was wrong. She was trying to deflect it for whatever reasons, but Recker knew there was something there.
“Still hanging in there. Hoping I can come home soon.”
“Yeah, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?”
“I’m sorry about that. I know I’ve been here for two months. I really thought we would have had it under control by now.”
Mia tried to smile, not wanting to sound like it bothered her. “I know. It is what it is, right? Hopefully soon.”
“So, how’s things been at work?”
“Pretty good. Been trying to pick up some extra shifts to keep myself busy.”
“Just make sure you take time for yourself and rest. Don’t wanna be doing too much with the baby and all.”
Mia was silent for a few seconds. “Yeah.”
Recker wasn’t sure, but he thought he detected a sniffle or two. He tried to listen closer to determine if she was crying, or maybe she had a cold, or whether she just had a stuffy nose. He couldn’t quite tell yet.
“You all right?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine, why?”
“You just seem… different. The last few times we’ve talked it seems like something’s bothering you.”
Mia hesitated again before answering. It wasn’t really something she wanted to talk about with him being so far away. It wasn’t something she wanted to talk about, period. But she knew she would have to, eventually. She had just wanted to do it in person. The last thing she wanted to do was tell him devastating news and get his mind distracted from what he was doing, causing him to make a fatal mistake. She couldn’t deal with him not making it home because of news she sprung on him. But she also wasn’t sure how long she could prolong it either. He would have to be told soon, especially without knowing how much longer he would be in another country.
Recker thought maybe she had a problem she was afraid to tell him. “Mia, is there someone bothering you or something? I can try to have someone look after you while I’m gone.”
Mia went into their bedroom and sat down on the bed, wiping a few tears off her face. “It’s not that. There’s no one bothering me. I’m fine.”
“Then what is it? I know something’s wrong, just tell me what it is. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“There’s nothing you can do to help. I don’t want you worrying about me. Focus and concentrate on what you have to do so you can hurry up and get home.”
“How am I supposed to concentrate on anything when I know you have a problem? Especially if I don’t know what the problem is. Just talk to me.”
Mia slouched herself over, burying her head in her pillow as she started crying. She couldn’t hold it in any longer. All Recker could do was listen to her muffled cry. He felt terrible that he wasn’t there to hold and comfort her. He just wanted to reach through the phone and hold her in his arms. He called out her name a few times, though she didn’t answer. All he could really do was listen to her cry and patiently wait for her to talk to him. Hopefully, she would eventually reveal what was upsetting her. As Recker waited for that moment to happen, a thousand thoughts started running through his mind, trying to figure out what the issue could have been. Nothing really made much sense. A few minutes later, he heard Mia’s sweet voice mumble something again.
“I’m… I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Recker said. “I just wanna help you.”
“I know. But there’s really nothing you can do.”
“Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on? You’ll feel better if you just get it out. Holding it in isn’t going to help.”
“Nothing’s going to help.”
“I can try.”
Mia tried to form a smile, appreciating his concern and support, but she couldn’t quite make it. “I know you want to.”
“Is it me? Did I do something? Or not do something?”
“No.”
“Is it work? Did you get fired or something?”
“No.”
“Then what is it? Just let it go.”
Finally, Mia couldn’t hold back anymore. “It’s the baby.” The tears started gushing out like the water from a dam that had just been released. “I lost the baby.”
Recker was stunned. He didn’t know what to say. He clenched the phone in his hand, wanting to throw it across the room in a fit of rage. As he continued listening to Mia cry, some of his rage started to fade away, concerned about her well-being.
“Mia,” he said softly.
She couldn’t answer. All she could do was let the tears flow onto her now soaked pillow. Recker said her name again, but she was either too hysterical to hear or she just couldn’t bear to talk about it. For the next several minutes, all Recker could hear over the phone was Mia crying. There was nothing he could do. There was nothing he could say. He couldn’t hold her, couldn’t tell her it was going to be OK, couldn’t console her, nothing. He just had to sit there and feel helpless as the woman he loved was going through a terrible experience. One he couldn’t do a thing about. After what seemed like forever, though was about five minutes, Mia was finally able to get herself under control again.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t… don’t be sorry for anything,” Recker said. “I’m the one who should be sorry.”
“Why? You didn’t do anything.”
“Because I’m not there. I should be there. I should be there for you and I’m not. And…”
“Mike, don’t do that to yourself. I know you’re gonna beat yourself up over this, but please don’t. I don’t wanna have to worry about you over this.”
“Mia, you don’t have to worry about me. You’re the one I’m worried about. Are you OK?”
Mia sniffled, wiping a few more tears off her face. “I’ll be OK, I guess.”
“Do you want me to come home?”
“What? No. No, just finish what you’re there to do.”
“Are you sure? If you need me, I will be on the next plane out of here, no questions asked. You’re more important to me than anything else.”
“I know. And I know you would leave there if I asked you to. And honestly, that’s enough. Just knowing you would.”
“I feel like I should be there.”
“Mike, please, just trust me. Just finish your job. That’s what I want.”
Recker sighed, not really liking it. “OK. If that’s what you want. How long have you known?”
“About three days.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I… I don’t know. I guess I was just upset, scared, embarrassed, everything. I wasn’t sure if I could even get the words out. I wasn’t sure how you’d react. I didn’t want you to be so upset that you lost focus and got yourself killed too. I was just… a lot of emotions going through my head.”
“It’s understandable. What happened? Do you know why?”
“I don’t know. I just started bleeding, so I went to the hospital, and went through some tests, and… the baby was gone.”
As tough as some of the situations Recker had been in over the years were, this might have been the toughest. There were no guns, no bad guys, nobody trying to hurt him, but this was a situation unlike any other he’d ever been through. How does a person deal with something like that? And as hard as it was on him, his heart broke for Mia even more. He knew it must have been tearing her up inside to go through this.
“What can I do for you?” Recker asked.
“You’re already doing it.”
“There has to be more, something else I can do.”
“No, just talk to me, be there for me, that’s all you can do right now.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come home? Chris and David can stay here and finish things up.”
“It would bother me more if you left there without completing what you went there for to begin with. Just finish it, then come home.”
“I will. If it takes me working twenty-four hours a day to finish this thing sooner, I will.”
“Just don’t rush things and make a stupid mistake that costs you. Please. I couldn’t deal with another heartbreak right now.”
“I promise. You probably shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“I’m fine.”
“Is there a friend you can stay with or something?”
“I don’t want to go anywhere else. Besides, I have work and stuff to keep me busy, so it’s not like I’m just gonna sit here staring at the wall all day until you get back.”
“I just wanna make sure you’re OK.”
“I’m as OK as I can be.”
They talked for another hour, Recker not wanting to get off the phone with her until he knew she was going to be OK. Not that there was much he could do about it even if she wasn’t. After a while, Recker realized he was talking without any response from Mia. He called her name a few times, but she didn’t answer. He listened more closely, finally realizing she had fallen asleep. She must have been exhausted with all the emotions she’d been carrying around the past few days. Recker could hear her breathing as the phone slipped out of her fingers. Eventually, there was a loud noise, which Recker deduced was the phone falling onto the floor. He sat there for a few more minutes, listening to silence, just waiting to see if Mia would get back on the phone. He was content though, feeling like they were somehow still connected, listening to her breathe. Eventually, though, after realizing Mia had fallen into a deep sleep and wasn’t getting back on, Recker hung up.
Recker tossed the phone on the floor in frustration. Anger was starting to creep back into his soul. He was mad about everything. Not finding Cloutier, losing the baby, Mia’s condition, not being there with her, everything was hitting him at once. He wished he had a device that could just make everything OK again. Obviously, that wasn’t possible. So, he just sat there on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees, his head propped up by his hands.
After sitting there for another five minutes, the door opened. Haley stuck his head in, wondering if Recker was still on the phone. If he was, it would have been their longest conversation yet. He noticed Recker sitting on the end of the bed, his head in his hands, and not on the phone. Seeing Recker’s posture, he was starting to think something was wrong. Haley walked into the room and went over to Recker’s position, sitting on the bed next to him. Recker didn’t notice him until he felt the bed move. Haley put his hand on his friend’s shoulder, letting him know he was there for him.
“You all right?”
Recker took his head out of his hands and sat up straight, turning his head toward his friend, though still not quite looking at him. He moved his lips as if he was about to speak, but still nothing came out. Haley didn’t know what the problem was, but he never saw Recker looking like this before. He looked like a man who’d been told the world was ending soon. Haley wasn’t going to pester, as he knew Recker wasn’t the type who responded well to that, and Haley wasn’t the kind who liked to keep asking either.
“I’m here if you need me.”
“I know,” Recker replied softly. “Thanks.”
“Is Mia OK?”
Recker finally looked at him. “You know something?”
Haley shook his head. “I don’t know anything. But I figure that’s the only thing it could be. She’s the only thing you care enough about to look this way.”
Haley was right of course. Considering he and Jones were there too, there was nothing else in Recker’s life which would have saddened him like that unless it was Mia.
“It’s uh… it’s hard.”
“If you don’t wanna talk about it, it’s fine,” Haley said. “She’s not hurt or anything is she?”
“No. At least not where it shows.”
The two men just sat there for a few minutes, neither saying a word. It wasn’t an uncomfortable feeling though. Just two friends silently sitting next to each other. Haley could feel Recker wanted to talk, wanted to tell him what was wrong, but it was difficult to get the words out. Every twenty or thirty seconds it seemed, Haley could hear Recker sigh or let out a deep breath, as if something heavy was weighing on his mind. Finally, after about five minutes, Recker started talking.
“You know, it’s hard to figure life out sometimes.”
“How do you mean?” Haley asked.
“Of all the things I’ve done over the years, the good, the bad, the indifferent, I’ve never really put much stock or thought into the meaning behind it. It was just… it was just what it was.”
“Thinking too much about what we do could drive someone out of their mind.”
“It’s just hard knowing that… it makes you wonder how things happen the way they do. If there’s some divine plan behind it all or whether it’s just random as can be. No meaning behind anything.”
“I think people a lot smarter than us have been debating those questions for centuries. And probably for more centuries to come.”
“Just makes you wonder why bad things happen to good people.”
“It’s just part of life, man. If there were only good times all the time, it wouldn’t be special anymore. It’d probably get pretty boring that way too.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Another two or three minutes of silence went by before Recker finally brought up the real issue. “We were gonna have a baby, you know.”
Haley was about to get excited, happy about the news, but he paid close attention to the words his friend used. The words were not lost on him. He quickly understood the doom and gloom nature Recker was feeling.
“Were?”
“She just told me she lost it.”
Haley closed his eyes, wishing with every fiber in his being that he was wrong about what he was thinking. He put his hand back on Recker’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze.
“I’m so sorry, man. I’d give anything for that not to be so.”
“Yeah. So would I.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t know,” Recker said. “She said she just started bleeding one day. One of those things I guess.”
Haley shook his head, quite upset in his own right. “That’s tough.”
“She told me she was pregnant a few days before we left. At first, I wasn’t quite sure about it. I mean, doing what we do, having a kid, wasn’t sure how all that would work.”
“Understandable.”
“But I started to get used to the idea. Maybe even started looking forward to it.”
“Mia would be a great mom.”
“Yeah she would.”
“I know it’s hard to hear right now, but there’s still time. She’s still young enough to keep trying.”
“I know.”
“I know it doesn’t really make this any easier to accept though,” Haley said. “I imagine she’s pretty shook up about it.”
“Yeah, I think she fell asleep while crying.”
“I imagine being a few thousand miles away from each other doesn’t help either one of you.”
“I asked if she wanted me to come home, but she wants me to finish up here.”
“She’s tough. Strong. She’ll get through this.”
“She shouldn’t have to,” Recker said. “Not alone anyway.”
“Let’s refocus then. End this thing so we can get back home.”
Recker nodded. He then sniffled, not sure how he didn’t drop a tear this whole time.
“What about David?” Haley asked.
“What about him?”
“You gonna tell him?”
Recker took another deep breath. “I don’t know if I can talk about all this again.”
“You don’t have to. If you want, I can tell him. Up to you though. I certainly wouldn’t say anything to anybody if you didn’t want me to.”
“I dunno.”
“It would probably be a good idea to let him know what you’re going through though. He cares about you too. But like I said, it’s your call.”
Recker nodded, thinking about it. He initially was just going to keep everything to himself. But he thought his partners probably had a right to know what was going on in case he acted differently. It would probably be a good idea so they could keep an eye on him, just in case he had a lapse in concentration or focus. They could reel him back in.
“I guess,” Recker said.
“I just want you to know, whatever you need, I’m here for you. Whether it’s someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to just sit next to and stare at the wall without saying anything. I’m your guy.”
Recker looked at him and smiled. He tapped Haley on the arm, appreciating his friendship. “Thank you.”
“If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. Same goes for Mia. Once we get back, anything I can do to help, you can count on me.”
“I know I can.”
Haley walked out of the room. Before he left though, he took one last look at his friend, still sitting there solemnly on the bed. Haley then walked over to Jones and let him know what was going on. One of the reasons Recker hadn’t told Jones about the pregnancy to begin with was he wasn’t sure how the professor would react to it. Introducing a baby to the world is a big responsibility for anyone. Especially so if you’re in their kind of work. Recker wasn’t sure if Jones would have been happy, mad, indifferent, worried, or given him a lecture about why it wasn’t a good idea. And Recker really didn’t want to get into it all. But now, it didn’t really matter very much.
A few minutes later, Jones and Haley came back into the bedroom. Jones stood still for a moment, trying to think of what he wanted to say. In the end, he decided there were no prepared words that would do the situation justice. He walked over to the bed and stood in front of Recker. Recker looked up at him, not having any words of his own. Jones reached over and hugged his partner, his friend, letting him know he was there for him. Haley came back over, kneeling next to them. Jones then joined him, kneeling on the floor himself as he talked to his partner.
“We’ll get through this,” Jones said. “All of us. Together. As a family. Because that is what we are. You, me, Chris, Mia, we’re all family. And we’ll help you and Mia get through this. Because that’s what we do. We stick together and help each other.”
Recker looked at him and nodded, appreciating the support.
“And we will get through it,” Jones continued. “You will get through it.”
“I hope so,” Recker replied.
“These are dark times right now. But there will be a light up ahead. There will be a light. It’s believing in the light that will help you get through it.”