CHAPTER SEVENTEEN HORTENSE’S MARRIAGE BLUES
Miles and miles away from the quaint cottages of Snow Country, Hortense sits in her palace bedroom. She and Charlie have returned from their honeymoon and are back in Eastphalia, but things have not gone exactly as she expected.
Having grown up at Rosewood Manor in Eastphalia, Hortense is glad she didn’t have to move far once she married Prince Charlie. However, his castle is a far cry from her beautiful country estate with its horses and gardens and two-story house.
The castle really is a palace, and all the grandeur of princessdom comes with it. She imagines that people who know her probably think she’s living a fairy tale now. But in reality she’s trapped in a nightmare.
It was horrible, how it all happened. First of all: Though she loves adventure, it wasn’t like her and Charlie’s honeymoon to the Deep was exactly relaxing. They had to pass all the dragons’ tests in order to get the Dragon’s Tooth swords, and the dragons weren’t exactly pleased by their visit.
Hortense giggles to herself, remembering how the dragons reacted when she and Charlie showed up.
“Is this Jack the Giant Stalker’s doing?” they’d growled. “Is he going around bragging about passing our tests? This is not a tourist attraction! This is SCARY! This is DEADLY!”
(After hearing this, Hortense made sure she and Charlie didn’t mention they were on their honeymoon. She figured the dragons would not be thrilled at the idea of the Deep becoming a honeymoon destination.)
But after proving themselves worthy—and that they were very scared and taking this very seriously—she and Prince Charlie passed the tests (thank fairies) and received their Dragon’s Tooth swords as rewards. They also had to promise not to tell anyone to do the same.
So needless to say, the honeymoon wasn’t exactly relaxing. On the journey back, Hortense had looked forward to spending a few days sleeping, wandering around the castle, maybe hunting a little with her bow and arrows, riding her horse, and generally getting her bearings before really entering her responsibilities as princess of Eastphalia.
Well, that dream was certainly cut short.
They’d barely returned home when an old woman knocked on the grand castle doors. Hortense had been automatically suspicious. How did this woman get past the guards at the gate without questioning? The guards would have at least notified them of a visitor had they seen her. Second of all, Hortense had remembered that Gretel and Filomena were always going on about how, in the mortal versions of Never After stories, little old women are often villains in disguise. (This seems really unfair to little old women, who are generally very nice.) But still, it gave Hortense pause, even if she was being prejudiced.
She’d told all this to Charlie, but he’s such a sweet and trusting boy that he’d called nonsense, and when the little old lady asked to see him, he went gladly. Hortense was all like, Fine! Don’t listen to me! and stayed in their bedroom. Was it their first marital spat? She’d been mulling this over when she realized Charlie had been gone for a very long time. She’d gone downstairs to see what was going on, whether Charlie had been hoodwinked into a pyramid scheme and was ready to start selling sunflower suns around Never After.
But he was nowhere to be found. Nowhere at all.
Hortense had called out for Charlie and walked the whole of the castle grounds. Finally she went to sit by the pond she and Charlie often liked to visit with books in the afternoons.
A croaking had sounded loudly from the pond, and a particularly cute frog jumped right into her lap. “Hortense?” it had croaked.
A talking frog! Surely it wasn’t the strangest thing she’d seen in Never After, but it surprised her nonetheless.
“Hortense, it’s me, Charlie!” it had said, looking up at her with its big froggy eyes.
This was not exactly how Hortense had envisioned starting her life as a married woman.
It’s been days, and she’s tried everything she can think of to transform Charlie from frog prince back to human prince. She’d immediately sent word to Beatrice, of course, who rushed to tell their friends Gretel, Jack, Filomena, and Alistair. If anyone can help them out of this bind, Hortense was sure it’s those four.
But she understands there are other pressing matters at hand in Never After, and Beatrice and Byron were gone to find Zera with the four, leaving Hortense alone with her frog prince. She sighs loudly, thinking about it all.
“Are you sighing about me being a frog, Hori?” Charlie says. He’s sitting on a pillow on their bed.
“I’m just glad you can still talk,” Hortense answers. “But yes, I am. I’m trying to think of what might break this spell. I mean, certainly it’s the ogres’ doing, don’t you think?”
“Unless a random old woman really has it in for us, then yes, I’d have to guess this has something to do with the ogres.”
“Filomena told me that in fairy tales in the mortal world, true love and true love’s kiss are often what break spells. Shall we try that?”
“Are you willing to kiss a frog?” Charlie croaks. His tongue flies out of his mouth, stretching to the window, and grabs hold of a small bug, then snaps back. He swallows the insect. “Apologies, love,” he ribbits. “It’s animal instinct. It appears I can’t help it.”
“Oof,” Hortense says, trying not to be repulsed.
She takes a breath and goes over to Charlie. She picks him up in her hand, looks into his froggy eyes, and tries her best not to be totally freaked out that the love of her life, her dashing Prince Charming, can quite literally fit in the palm of her hand.
She purses her lips and gives him a smooch.
She waits.
She peeks, cracking one eye open just the slightest bit. Nope, still a frog.
“Do you think we have to, um, do more?” she asks.
“I can’t imagine it’s true love’s French kiss, can you?” Charlie ribbits in reply.
“I guess we’re lucky that Eastphalia doesn’t follow its old French court rules,” Hortense teases. “Didn’t they eat frog legs?”
Frog prince Charlie sticks out one of his froggy legs. “It does look rather appealing, doesn’t it?” he says. “Sautéed with a bit of butter?”
At least he still has a good sense of humor.
Just for kicks, Hortense tries one final kiss. But all she gets is toad slime.