4

Independence

Spiritual Empowerment

RITA’S STORY OF INDEPENDENCE

I was in this relationship for almost two years where my boyfriend controlled my every move and thought. My mother, the school guidance counselor, and teachers all tried to help me but I wouldn’t listen. I tried going to a therapist once and my boyfriend came with me. She saw right through him, though—and this made him even madder. He threatened that if I went to her without him he wouldn’t ever talk to me again.

As the year went on I was getting thinner and having more and more difficulty in school. Anytime I would think of creating any space between us he would show up by my side. He even came to my house some nights and got me out of bed. He was controlling my every move. It is hard to explain to others how someone can begin to even control your thoughts. But he did. At the time I felt I would die without him. I was losing all my friends and my mother was desperate.

Finally, my guidance counselor and some friends got me alone and confronted me. They kept telling me how different I was, how pale and lifeless I looked. Every time I would defend myself or my boyfriend they would give me examples of how I was not even thinking right. They told me that, to them, I looked like I was dying. And I think I was dying inside. The weird thing is my older sister married someone who con trolled and abused her. She has been in and out of women’s shelters for years and I knew I didn’t want that kind of life for myself, but here I was in a very sick relationship. I was scared of my boyfriend and I also didn’t want to alienate him. My body felt little and weak.

I finally admitted that my friends were right. I ended up throwing up before I called the social services with the help of my guidance counselor and filed a restraining order on my boyfriend. I won’t say that the whole story is pretty or even over. But I am determined to get my life back, to finish school, and to try and stay out of that relationship, and any other one like it.

That day, when I left the school to go home, my mother came by and picked me up. I still felt little but something inside of me was also waking up. Something that is hard to describe but something that was in me all along. It had been raining, and as we drove home together the sun came out and there was a double rainbow over the road. Somehow I felt God was sending me a message that I was doing the right thing . . . that some how everything was going to be okay.

—RITA, AGE 16

“Your soul has a place it wants you to travel. Listening then to the soul’s message is of great importance.”

—MYRON ESHOWSKY, SHAMANIC HEALER

EAGLE BOY, BY DENNIS L. OLSON

A Zuni Pueblo boy found an eagle nestling that had fallen from its cliff home. He took the bird home and spent most of his time hunting for this bird and caring for it. His parents and relatives became very upset that the boy spent little time helping in the fields, and they decided to kill the eagle. Eagle knew what was about to happen (he could see all the way out to the fields) and told the boy he was sad that things had worked out like this. He told the boy he must leave, for everyone’s good. The boy was distraught, and begged the eagle to take him along. After much discussion, Eagle finally agreed, but the boy had to agree to pack much food and tie bells to the feet of Eagle. They left at dawn.

Eagle Boy climbed on the back of Eagle and they rose high into the sky. The bells were jingling and they sang a lifelong song. The relatives down below cried and begged the boy to come home, but he didn’t hear them. Eagle and Eagle Boy flew through a hole in the clouds and landed on the Sacred Mountain of the Eagle People. These People adopted the boy and made him a flying coat of feathers. He soon learned to fly as they did.

The Eagle People told Eagle Boy that he should never fly to the Land of Bones in the south, but his curiosity was too great for his judgment. He flew over the Land of Bones at night and saw beautiful people dancing around beautiful fires in a beautiful city. He flew down to join them and danced until he was exhausted. He fell asleep. When he woke in the morning, all he saw were dusty crumbling buildings and piles of bones. He looked for his coat of feathers, so he could fly away, but it was gone. Suddenly, the bones stood up and formed skeletons. They chased him into the den of a badger, who told the boy of a way he could climb back to the Eagle People. It took a long time, but he finally arrived at the Sacred Mountain again. The Eagle People told him he was no longer welcome there, and turned away from him. His Eagle friend took pity on him and gave him a tattered feather coat, so he could fly home to the Pueblos. He just made it—the coat disintegrated as soon as he landed. He never went back, but remembers the place above the clouds every time he sees the eagles high overhead.

THE ROAD TO INNER INDEPENDENCE

In the preceding stories we see examples of young people seeking independence—finding their own way apart from the expectations and demands of others. But true independence is really experienced from within. It is not dependent on how others see you or whether others approve of you or not. It comes from really being true to your self and believing in yourself. To find your place as an adult in the world and to fulfill your purpose, you must first acquire some inner independence. And that means you must be willing to venture out ward (and inward) to “risky places.”

Each of us must be willing to go to our own “risky places” to become who we truly are. Sometimes this will mean actually travel ling to a new, unfamiliar place, as Eagle Boy did. Other times it will mean taking an emotional risk, as Rita did when she chose to be alone rather than stay in an abusive relationship. Like Eagle Boy and Rita, you are poised to take your first step out into the world that calls to you. On this trip, you will discover your limits while you gain insights about who you really are.

Eagle Boy needed to follow the flight of the eagle. But he ignored the eagle’s advice about the bone people, and he learned from this mistake. He had to return home again, but only after going on a great journey. Certainly this first pilgrimage out helped prepare him for his continued journey of independence. Who knows what will call him next to move beyond his childhood into his adult life? What is calling you right now? What advice have you been given? What advice are you ignoring, like Eagle Boy?

Soon you will embark on your own flight, with its perils, lessons, and rewards. With every decision and every misstep, you will learn more about yourself and the world around you.

“To awaken a spiritual authority, an inner sense of knowing, always involves a shift of identity, a rebirth, a recovery of spirit. In the Buddhist tradition we speak of this as finding our True Nature.”

—JACK KORNFIELD, BUDDHIST MONK, AUTHOR OF A PATH WITH HEART

“My parents didn’t want me to go out west after graduation. But I knew I had to go. A group of us were heading to the Grand Canyon to sleep out under the stars. I got sick on the road, and a lot of the others were fighting with each other. The one girl I connected with left early. I had little money, and took only bagels and peanut butter with me into the canyon. But the canyon was awesome. I cannot put it into words what effect the whole trip had on me, even the difficulties. All I can say is I left a kid and I am no longer a kid.
    “I feel the hugeness of it all—leaving for college this fall, having to find my own meals every day, making decisions for myself now. I am back with my parents for the summer but will leave again to attend the School Without Boundaries in Colorado, where I will be out in the desert by myself for four nights. I will make more mistakes but I know I will come back even stronger and wiser. I was afraid to go off to school, and actually I am still some, but I realize now it is what I must do—move out and move on.”

—ALI, AGE 18

“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.”

—SENECA, ROMAN PHILOSOPHER AND STATESMAN

“Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.”

—EMILY DICKINSON, AMERICAN POET

“Sometimes I go about pitying myself, But all the while I am being carried by great winds across the sky . . .”

—OJIBWE SONG

Like Eagle Boy, you may have to travel to risky places, both internal and external, to claim your independence and discover your place in the world.

Consider your risky places with this in mind: If it doesn’t cause any harm to yourself or others, it may be a risk you need to take. There are no guarantees, of course. You might try to convince yourself that you are not harming yourself or others, when in fact you would be. You might get hurt. You might not. The intuitive skills and confidence you will gain from this book will help you to know which risks are worth taking.

I know this young man who is not going to these risky places. His name is Joel. Joel is a creative, loving young man of eighteen who is a friend to many. He is also an addict. His drug addiction is not a risky place—it’s actually a comfortable place for him. It keeps him home with his father, who also abuses drugs. It stops him from moving out, trying new places. He dreams of going off to school but he hasn’t moved. He needs to risk getting free of his addiction. He needs to risk being independent. All sorts of feelings and fears will pop up once he is straight and on his own. That is the risky place he needs to go.

When fears surface for you, it can often mean there a risky place beckoning you to visit. What fears are coming up for you these days? What steps do you need to take to bring yourself closer to those internal and external risky places that are worth investigating? Remember, fear is not necessarily a sign that you shouldn’t do something—it’s simply an indication that you are considering doing something that involves some kind of risk for you.

When you decide that it is important for you to take a risk, you will find that you are on your own, but you are not alone. Rita, in the ear lier story, was afraid that when she left her boyfriend she would be alone, but instead she felt herself connected to something much greater. It’s a paradox: Your individuality—your inner independence—is what enables you to really feel the connection to all things. A wheel is made up of many individual parts; with one missing part it doesn’t work so well. Each part of our body is dependent on the others but each also has its unique and independent purpose. So it is with you. You are a vital part of the entire wheel of life, which includes everything and everyone. When you are not living your dream, not expressing your uniqueness, something is out of sync for us all.

The wisdom keepers of Zen, Tibetan Buddhism, Hinduism, and mystical Christianity, to name a few, know that to encourage your individuality benefits the whole of humanity. They also know that to express your true nature is your most important goal on earth. That is why these traditions all use meditations that help bring forth your unique individuality, your true self.

“We have to accept personal responsibility for uplifting our lives.”

—CHÖGYAM TRUNGPA, TIBETAN LAMA, AUTHOR OF SHAMBHALA: THE SACRED PATH OF THE WARRIOR

LOTUS MEDITATION

This meditation is borrowed from the yogic tradition. It helps slow the mind, calm your entire being, promote a sense of serenity, and bring you into the present moment. It will open you up to the truth about you, and help you believe in yourself and your choices.

Find a quiet place where you can meditate for at least five minutes. Sit in a meditative posture with your eyes closed. Let your breath be relaxed, let it breathe by itself . . . Bring your awareness down to your first and second chakras. Imagine that your lower body is a rich, dark soil. Breathe and imagine . . . then picture a beautiful white lotus flower growing out of this rich soil, growing up through your upper body, and coming to bloom in your heart chakra. Breathe and feel the beauty and the energy of this most sacred flower. As you imagine this, repeat to yourself several times: “I am ready to bring forth my true nature into the world.”

Feel your readiness to bring forth what is within you. Feel the truth of who you are. After you have sat with this truth for a few minutes, you can consult the lotus for guidance. Breathe into the lotus and look into its center. Look into the blossom of the lotus: Held deep within it is a helpful message for you. What truth does the lotus hold for you today? Simply breathe and ask, and then notice what comes. Trust what comes, whether it be a sentence, a word, an idea, or a symbol. Open yourself up to the truth that grows within you. Then, journal about your experience and the message you received from the lotus.

“Think of yourself as an incandescent power, illuminated and perhaps forever talked to by God and his messengers.”

—BRENDA UELAND, AMERICAN WRITER, AUTHOR OF IF YOU WANT TO WRITE

The Lotus Flower

The lotus flower—which has its roots in the mud, but arises from it beautiful and clean—is a symbol of how we all can rise, magnificent, from the muddiest of conditions. It holds spiritual significance in many traditions. The guru who brought Buddhism to Tibet was known as Padmasambhava, “born from out of the lotus.” The lotus is a symbol of creation: Out of the mud the world is born. It is also a symbol of wisdom—it expresses the truth about the possibility for all living things. The popular Buddhist mantra “Om mani Padme hum” translates as “Om, jewel in the lotus, amen.” Simply reciting this mantra is known for bringing peace to the chanter and to those nearby.

BE CURIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING

Knowing more about the world around you can help you to feel confident about your choices. So, be curious about everything! To be curious really means to be open minded, says Shunryu Suzuki, the great Zen master, in his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. To be curious is to approach life with a beginner’s mind—try not to assume. Instead, be curious and present for what life is offering you in this moment. A beginner’s mind is open to the myriad of possibilities that the present and the future hold. When you assume too much, you shut off your curiosity and often miss an opportunity.

“My parents had arranged for me to return to this acting camp. It was fine when I was a kid, but I am seventeen now! I didn’t even think much about it, I just assumed that I would have a raging awful time. And I did have a horrible time. I sat by myself, bored, all day. I went to my bunk early every night. I didn’t try anything I didn’t have to. The entire weekend was trashed. The really strange thing is, my eighteen-year-old cousin, who I really respect, had a great time. I overheard her saying how awesome it was for her. Then I realized the whole trip was in my head! I hate to admit it, but I went in with a bad attitude and that made for a rotten weekend.”

—JESSICA, AGE 17

Hopefully, your curiosity has been nourished and encouraged, because it is this very curiosity, or lack of it, that will help determine your life’s path. Curiosity is a wonderful, powerful tool, another one of those tools that you have inside of you. Instead of just believing what you are taught, even in this book, wonder about it—bring your curiosity to it. Bring yourself to it. Does it feel true for you? Does it feel correct for you? There is so much to discover around you, every day, if you look beyond the face value of things and seek a deeper truth. Curiosity will enrich your life and unearth treasures that lie hidden in the most mundane places. Discovering these treasures for yourself is a powerful way to build your inner independence.

Curiosity is a great way to combat fear. When you find yourself afraid, see if you can become curious instead. Where is the fear coming from? Where is the fear in your body? What situations have had this effect on you in the past? What is really going on around you, right now, in this moment?

Breathing can help you awaken the energy and curious spirit that are inside of you. Breath is a simple yet powerful tool to free what is stuck in you and loosen up the fear and resistance that may be keeping you back. Fear makes us hold our breath—and therefore weakens us. Breathing moves the negative energy out and allows for the positive energy to emerge.

The breath exercise that follows is a good one for supporting your move toward independence. It is called Mother’s Breath because when you do it, love and positive feelings from spirit enter you on the waves of your breathing.

Sufi Mother’s Breath

Find a place where you can relax, and give yourself five to ten minutes to do this exercise. Sit comfortably in a chair or on the floor. Take a deep breath in and sigh (ahhhhh) on the exhale. Now breathe slowly through your nose to the count of five. Hold your breath for a moment, then exhale, again with a sigh. Empty all the breath out on the exhale. Breathe in through the nose to the count of five, hold the breath for a moment, and exhale with a sigh. Repeat several times.

Now sit, relaxed in this energy, for a few moments. Notice all the sensations in your body. Notice the thoughts that come. Take a few moments to journal if you like.

LETTING GO

Soon—maybe this month, or next year—it will be time for you to let go of high school, of some friends, of your parents. That, of course, is one of the reasons you need to develop your inner independence. At this time in your life, it’s important that your parents and others who care about you let you go your own way. It is not healthy for your parents to try and mold you in their image by insisting you go to a certain college or enter their trade. Parents who try to protect their teenagers by trying to dictate everything they do will make their children weak, which actually puts them in more danger. Your parents can help you grow strong and ready for independence by letting you go in safe ways—encouraging you to take worthwhile risks to discover who you are and supporting you emotionally, financially, and spiritually to go after your dreams. You and your parents need only to copy nature—all parents in the wild push their young toward independence, and the young venture out. If they didn’t, life would very quickly get out of balance.

Mother bears invest a lot of time and skill to train their cubs. When a bear cub has learned to hunt and fend for itself, its mother takes the cub out past their familiar territory. She then may sit at the bottom of some large tree while the bear cub climbs up its trunk. When the bear cub is up high enough, mother bear leaves and gets out of sight and out of the scent range of the cub.

Because the cub is having such a fine time, he doesn’t notice Mom is gone for quite some time. When he does realize that he is alone, he begins to cry out for the mother bear to return. He wants to go home. He is getting hungry, and maybe a little scared. But cry as he might, mother bear does not return. Soon, the cub begins to act according to his instinct and training. He sets out to find something to eat and a place to sleep. Tomorrow he will head off to find a new territory to call his own.

What would happen if the mother bear turned around when the cub cried out and took him back home? Or what if the mother bear never guided the cub out far enough? It is natural for parents as well as teenagers to feel frightened at times as independence looms before them. It is natural for teenagers to sometimes want to go back home and stay. But first, spend some time in that new, unfamiliar place where life is pushing you—see what is there to be discovered. It’s okay to be a little afraid, but give yourself time to let that fear turn into curiosity. It’s time to go find and explore your own territory . . . and your own destiny.

Letting Go Meditation

Give yourself about fifteen to twenty minutes for this meditation.

Find a comfortable position. Close your eyes and take a minute to ground. Now bring your attention to your breath. Simply notice the air moving in and out of your nostrils, brushing up against the top of your nostrils as it passes. Give your body permission to relax. Bring your attention to your legs and let them relax . . . ask your genital area to relax, and your buttocks . . . breathe and relax, letting go of tension or tightness that may be there . . . relax your stomach and lower back . . . ask your chest and upper back to release any tension they may hold . . . relax and breathe . . . letting go of tension . . . letting go . . . Now move your awareness to your neck and throat, letting go of any tension there, and your shoulders and arms, relaxing and letting go . . . letting go . . . relaxing your facial muscles and letting go of any tension you may hold in your face . . . letting go of the tension that may be in the scalp and just letting go . . . letting go and relaxing.

Now imagine yourself in your bedroom at home, and you are packing your boxes and suitcases to leave. Notice what you are choosing to take and what you are leaving behind. Continue to breathe . . . Now notice that there is a box labeled THROWAWAYS. In this box you will throw away any negative beliefs, people, memories, worries, fears, attitudes, and ideas that you are holding on to in your body. Say to yourself, “I would be ready to leave if it were not for . . .” and allow for the image, person, experience, or word to emerge. When the image or person appears, place it in the box. Trust what comes . . . and breathe and relax. Continue to breathe and relax, now letting go of anything or anyone that would hold you back. Continue to say to yourself “I would be ready to leave if it were not for . . .” until no more images or ideas come to mind. When you are done filling the box, close the top and invite a “Spiritual Mover” to come and dispose of it in a safe and respectful way. Imagine a spirit helper coming in and taking away the box.

Bring your attention to your body and notice how you are feeling as your spirit helper takes away the THROWAWAY box. Do you feel lighter? Stronger? More ready to take those risks, to begin to create your new life away from home? Take a few moments to enjoy the feelings and when you are ready bring your attention back to your breath as it moves in and out of your nostrils. Bring your awareness back to the room you are in and slowly open your eyes. Take a few moments to adjust to the room, now feeling awake and relaxed . . . and freer.

UNCORDING: ENERGETIC INDEPENDENCE

When there seems to be something that is preventing you from feeling your independence—some powerful but invisible influence holding you back—you may have come upon an energetic cord. Cords are energetic connections we have with others. Cords can be positive as well as negative. They are often unspoken and unquestioned agreements that we will behave a certain way or fulfill a given role for another person. Some of these agreements make you unduly responsible for that other person’s feelings, or imply that you behave in ways that are detrimental to your well-being. These agreements are often based on false or outdated beliefs about who you are. Such cords are unhealthy and use up your vital energy. To be strong in your freedom, you may need to break some of these cords.

“I don’t want to go right from high school into college. Mostly it is because I want to experience what it is like not to be in school. And I need to work and earn some money. My biggest fear is that I will never make it into college because I will get too caught up in working and just hanging out. I am moving to California to live with a cousin and work for a year. Everyone’s telling me that if I do that, I won’t end up going to college.
    “But in a session with Julie I learned to ‘uncord’ from these unsupportive people. I realized that I was taking on all this stuff about me, that was not helping me. My boyfriend was the worst. He didn’t want me to leave. I felt as if I was responsible for him, that my leaving would really hurt him. He has been out of high school for four years now and works at a local mechanic shop. He used to get high all the time and he says I am the only one that keeps him clean.
    “‘Uncording’ from him helped me separate my feelings from his. It helped me feel my autonomy. I am just starting out my life. I feel freer to do what it is I have to do—and that is to get on with my life!”

—JOSELYN, AGE 18

“Your decision to evolve consciously through responsible choice contributes not only to your own evolution, but also to the evolution of all of those aspects of humanity in which you participate. It is not just you that is evolving through your decisions, but the entirety of humanity.”

—GARY ZUKAV, AUTHOR OF THE SEAT OF THE SOUL

Uncording is the process of energetically letting go of negative or outdated connections and agreements you have with other people. Any negative belief you hold about yourself is a sure sign that you are corded to someone. Do you hold any negative beliefs about yourself?

“I’m going to fail somehow.”

“I will end up alone.”

“I can’t give up drugs.”

“I am too afraid to try anything new.”

“I always have to do better.”

“I can’t say no.”

Cords are energetic connections to another person, based on something you are agreeing to in that relationship. So if the agreement is that you are a loser, you believe that you are a loser; you are in agreement with this belief. And this belief does not come from or reflect your true nature—it was somehow passed on to you by another person, and then you “agreed” to it and are now corded to that person through this agreement. Such negative agreements can sound like this:

“I won’t speak up around you.”

“I am a sex object.”

“I will make myself smaller so you can feel bigger.”

“I agree to be a failure.”

“I will always be an addict.”

“Approach this work of uncording with respect. Know that it is real and that you are altering energy. “

—COLLEEN BRENZY, INTUITIVE HEALER, PHILOSOPHER

Uncording from negative connections will free up energy for you to use in ways that are creative and meaningful for you. Remember, your body is an emotional, feeling, energetic machine, and cords impact this feeling body of yours. A “pain in the neck” may be a cord to your sister who is constantly picking on you. The agreement may be for you to be a constant bother to your sister, to provide a safe way for her to vent anger that actually is about something deeper and more threatening. Or the anxiety you experience may be about a cord you have to your mother, who fears for your future. Perhaps she had a really bad experience leaving home and now she is afraid for you. You have come into agreement with this fear and now feel anxious a lot of the time.

“I am afraid to leave home because my brother will be left alone on the farm. He hasn’t a chance without me there. My dad will take complete control of him and he will be stuck there. He is so cool, but he is afraid of our dad. What will happen to him if I go?”

—HENRY, AGE 18

What might Henry’s agreement be, and with whom? He probably has one with his father about staying on the farm. And with his brother, to protect him from their father. Cords are almost always tied with strong emotions. Recognizing and unraveling unhealthy cords can be a difficult and unsettling process. But ultimately, you and the person you are corded to will be stronger as a result.

“I am twenty-seven years old and I know I have agreed not to do better than my dad. And he works at a job he hates, smokes weed every night, and complains about my mom! I won’t get out of this town and dead-end job if I don’t end that agreement.”

—TYLER, AGE 27

“Start a huge, foolish project, like Noah. It makes absolutely no difference, what people think of you.”

—RUMI, SUFI MASTER AND POET

Who Are You Corded To?

The first and most important step in uncording from the negative energy of others is to become aware of the cord and its agreement. You must first name the agreement to be able to uncord from it. Sometimes you will find a cord because you have some health problem related to a given chakra (see chapter 3). Let’s say you have stomachaches—you will want to check for cords related to your second and third chakras. If you have throat problems, you will want to look for cords in your throat chakra. Can you identify some family agreements that lock you into unhealthy beliefs or behavior? Can you locate the chakra that they are in?

Uncording Exercise

Allow yourself some personal, unhurried time. Sit comfortably in a chair with your feet on the floor. Have your journal nearby. Take a few minutes to ground and relax in your breath . . . feel your breath as it moves through your body. Now bring your awareness to your heart center (chakra). Inside your heart chakra is your inner healer. Ask for help from your inner healer. Ask him or her to show you where the cord is in your body. Is it in your neck, your lower back, your second chakra, your belly? Trust the answer that comes and focus your awareness on that place in your body. Ask your inner healer to also go to that place in your body. Continue to breathe and trust . . . Remain aware of your body . . . stay present in the body . . . Then ask the healer, Who is the cord connecting me to? (You may already have an idea, but new information can come now from the inner healer.) Simply ask, and trust that there will be an image or a sense of who it is. Then ask the healer to show you the agreement that is held with this cord. Continue to breathe and listen . . . Then imagine the healer asking you, “Are you ready to release this cord, and to end this agreement?” Say to the healer and to yourself, “Yes, I am ready to end this agreement and uncord from this person.”

Continue to breathe and remain aware of your body. You may even notice some pain in that area of the body, which will now be released as you release the cord.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

—ELEANOR ROOSEVELT, FORMER FIRST LADY, DIPLOMAT, AND HUMANITARIAN

“We agreed to this life. No one else can do this stuff for us, so we might as well. Time with action heals all wounds. Time alone does not heal.“

—COLLEEN BRENZY, PSYCHIC HEALER, PHILOSOPHER

Visualize the cord. Imagine a hand going into the affected chakra and gently removing the cord. Now imagine a rose near the cord, and place all the negative energy from the cord into the rose. Breathe and take your time. Now blow up the rose. Gather up the scattered energy and neutralize it. Neutralize it by simply postulating that the energy is neutral. Simply sending out a thought to the energy, a new intention, the negative energy is now neutralized and can be reused. This is how we “recycle” energy. Now imagine bringing this neutral energy back down through the top of your head (the crown chakra). Breathe, and allow this energy to go to wherever in your body it wants. Then fill up the area where the cord was with your own energy. Imagine your hands and the inner healer’s hands smoothing over the area that you uncorded. Make sure it is completely filled with your energy.

Thank the inner healer and see him or her returning to your heart center. Bring your attention back to the area of your body that held the cord. Notice how it feels now. Rest for a few moments in this new energy. Open your eyes slowly and reflect on your experience and what you learned about yourself. Write in your journal about the cord you have released and the agreement you have ended. Write next to your journal entry, or say out loud: “So it is. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” This affirms the new truth you discovered and acknowledges the help you had from your inner healer and higher power.

To Uncord, Remember to Check Who, What, and Where

Who are you corded with?
What is the agreement?
Where in the body is the cord?
Do you want to remain corded to this person, in this way?

“I had this horrible feeling in my neck. It felt like pieces of metal. My healer went there and we found a cord to my sister. I thought I was corded to my mother but it was my older sister I was agreeing ‘to act stupid’ for. Somehow my acting stupid around her friends made her feel important. And she was always making fun of me. My sister always has her friends hanging around and I find I have to leave the house because I can’t stand how I feel around them.
    “Ending this agreement could change my life. It’s neat how I have it in me to do this. Now, I know that it’s not about me acting stupid. I can act however I want. So it is! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

—JOURNAL ENTRY FROM HEATHER, AGE 15

“One of the most courageous things you can do is identify yourself, know who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go.”

—SHEILA MURRAY BETHEL, AUTHOR OF MAKING A DIFFERENCE

When you remove cords, you are literally altering your energy and connection to others. You may still be connected to a given person, but in a better way. Removing cords will result in changes in both your physical body and your psychological makeup. You will no longer be living according to someone else’s fears or negativity. You will experience a surge in your inner independence. Others will likely feel the change too. If you are no longer agreeing to “act stupid,” your changed behavior will affect that relationship.

If you are feeling stuck in your efforts to uncord a relationship, you may want to go to a craniosacral therapist, a trained energy healer, or a shamanic practitioner to help you with the uncording. He or she will work with you energetically in removing the cord from your energy body. As a result, you will notice a physical freedom where there is now physical pain. Craniosacral therapists and some other professional healers will place their hands gently on your body as they work. Most shamanic practitioners and other psychic healers will work with the energy around and outside your body. Whichever approach you prefer to assist with your uncording, a healer can really help move things along. See the resources section for finding practitioners.

TRUSTING YOURSELF

To feel prepared and confident enough to move out on your own, it really comes down to trusting yourself. You already have a great deal of experience at this. When you entered middle school and the teen years, you were already relying on yourself for major decisions. Your parents didn’t follow you to school. They weren’t there when you decided to join a certain group or club. They weren’t with you when you felt put down and depressed because you weren’t fitting in. They haven’t chosen your friends. You were on your own when your boyfriend or girlfriend wanted to have sex, or when your best friend offered you a joint.

Still, at this point in your life you may find the choices and changes that lie ahead overwhelming. So how is it that some people get confident and sure of themselves and their choices? How do you come to fully trust yourself?

“The world is ruled by letting things take their course.”

—LAO-TZU, CHINESE PHILOSOPHER

“No one can give you wiser advice than yourself.”

—CICERO, ROMAN ORATOR

Mindfulness Meditation

One of the surest ways to build trust in yourself and embrace independence is to have a regular meditation practice. Meditation stills the discursive thought patterns in your head long enough so you can hear the call of your heart and awaken to your true nature. When your mind is still enough, you can hear that inner truth and act upon it. Meditation encourages you to simply be with things as they are—not calling them good or bad, letting whatever thoughts and emotions arise dissolve, not holding on to anything. Being able to still the mind in this way empowers you beyond measure because you learn how to be present for whatever comes up in your life. This is true independence!

Give yourself ten minutes for this meditation. It can be read out loud or taped and played back to you for the first several times.

Get yourself in a meditative posture with your back in an upright, alert position, not resting against anything. You can be sitting in a chair with your feet on the floor, or on a meditation cushion. Just sit for a few breaths, in this body, bringing your awareness to the breathing, sitting body . . . Now just rest in the breath . . . noticing the physical sensation of breath as it brushes the top of your nostrils as it moves in and moves out, while maintaining some awareness of the rest of your body sitting there . . . Let the breath move by itself while gently resting your awareness on the breath . . . rest in the breath as it moves in and moves out . . . When you notice that your mind is wandering, bring your awareness to those thoughts (realize what you are thinking) and then label the thoughts THINKING and return gently and lovingly back to your breath. Return your awareness to the breath . . .

Sit in this awareness of breath for ten minutes. Then take a couple of deep breaths and go about your day.

Training the Mind: Lojong

Lojong is an ancient Tibetan Buddhist practice designed to open your heart to your life and awaken your trust. Lojong literally means “mind training.” The intent of the practice is to offer practical techniques that help you to cultivate more tenderness and compassion, loosening the grip of any negative thoughts and behaviors and using every day experiences as your opportunity to awaken spiritually. Fundamental to this practice are fifty-nine slogans organized under seven headings, or “points”—thus, “The Seven Points of Mind Training.” These slogans are succinct one-liners that help train your mind (and heart) to be more compassionate toward yourself and others.

These ancient affirmations are applied as reminders of how to think and behave. The slogans are pointers to guide you to the truth about you. You are not meant to shout them at yourself or to repeat them as if they were demands. Consider them a guide to the truth, to what really is possible for you. Don’t use them to beat yourself over the head. What good would that do? Use them as gentle reminders, the same way you might remind yourself to brush your teeth or to send someone a birthday card. (To learn more about the slogans refer to Pema Chödrön’s book Start Where You Are and Chögyam Trungpa’s book Mind Training.)

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart and to relate to that wound.”

—PEMA CHÖDRÖN, TIBETAN NUN, AUTHOR OF START WHERE YOU ARE

“Impulses, hunches, sudden insights and subtle insights have assisted us on our evolutionary path since the origin of our species.”

—GARY ZUKAV, AUTHOR OF THE SEAT OF THE SOUL

The following slogan is especially appropriate for developing self-confidence, because it encourages you to always trust your own truth.

Slogan Number 20: “Of the two witnesses, trust the principal one.”

This slogan reminds you that you really are the “principal” witness, especially when it comes to yourself. Who knows better what you like and don’t like? Who knows better what is good for you and what isn’t? Who knows better your fears and hopes? You are the one person who will accompany yourself throughout your life. You are the one witnessing everything that happens inside and outside of you. So when peers or adults are giving you their opinions and ideas, which may be good to listen to and consider, be sure to listen to your own truth. Don’t go along with someone else’s idea simply to gain approval or to be more popular or accepted—choose it because it feels right to you. The real witness, the one who really knows what you need and want, is you—so listen to yourself.

To use this slogan, simply hold it in your consciousness and apply its truth as much as possible in your daily experiences. Use this slogan along with your energy body’s wisdom to build trust in yourself. Notice how ideas and suggestions from others feel in your body. Do you feel loose and comfortable with this other person’s idea, or tight and tense? You are the only one who knows if you are willing to try something new or are not open to it yet.

Trusting yourself means being willing to actually listen to yourself and being honest with yourself. If you are lying to yourself, then you will find it very difficult to trust yourself. Remember, energy always tells the truth—so listen honestly to what your wisdom body tells you.

“Our journey of making friends with ourselves is not a selfish thing. We’re not trying to get all the goodies for ourselves. It’s a process of developing loving-kindness and a true understanding for other people as well.”

—PEMA CHÖDRÖN, TIBETAN NUN, THE WISDOM OF NO ESCAPE

A CHICKEN OR AN EAGLE

Your beliefs about yourself can limit you or empower you. No matter what someone else believes about you, it only matters if you believe it about yourself. What do you believe about yourself? What do others see when they look at you? Are you a chicken or an eagle? . . .

A man found an eagle’s egg in the nest of a backyard hen. The eaglet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them.

All his life the eagle did what the backyard chickens did, thinking he was a backyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would often thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird far above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings.

The old eagle looked up in awe. “Who’s that?” he asked.

“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth—we’re chickens.”

So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was.

—TRADITIONAL STORY FROM STORIES OF THE SPIRIT, STORIES OF THE HEART, EDITED BY CHRISTINA FELDMAN AND JACK KORNFIELD

“Journeys bring power and love
back into you. If you can’t go somewhere,
move in the passageways of the self.
They are like shafts of light,
always changing, and you change
when you explore them.”

—RUMI,

SUFI MASTER AND POET

 

“We have not come here to take prisoners,
But to surrender ever more deeply
To freedom and joy.
We have not come into this exquisite world
To hold ourselves hostage from love.
Run like hell my dear,
From anything
That may not strengthen
Your precious budding wings.
Run like hell my dear,
From anyone likely
To put a sharp knife
Into the sacred, tender vision
Of your beautiful heart.”

—HAFIZ, SUFI MASTER, FROM THE GIFT