9

Not the End, but the Beginning

Wisdom for the Road

THE AUTHOR’S ENCOUNTER WITH HIS HOLINESS, THE DALAI LAMA

I didn’t have much love in my childhood or as a teenager, and this lack of love made my heart somewhat frozen and scared. Even though I began practicing meditation at the age of sixteen, I believe a part of my heart was always shut off. But an encounter with His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, changed that forever.

His Holiness is the spiritual and political leader of the exiled Tibetan people. He is revered throughout the world for spreading the message of compassion and loving-kindness. I attended a reception for him at the Unitarian Church in Madison, Wisconsin, where I was among about one hundred others milling around in the church as we awaited his arrival. We were all offered tea and cakes as we waited. I could feel the emotions rising up in the room and in myself. We all seemed to want something from His Holiness.

Finally he arrived, and a path was cleared for him to make his way to the podium. By sheer luck I found myself right beside the path where His Holiness would pass! Here was my chance to be near him! Then I felt a light shove from behind me. Everyone was crowding toward the path. The man behind me was holding flowers to give to His Holiness. He eagerly reached past me with his gift, thrusting the flowers in front of my face.

As the man shouted out “Your Holiness! Your Holiness!” and held his flowers out toward the approaching Dalai Lama, I remembered what this was really all about. It was not about getting recognized by His Holiness. It was not about being heard or even being seen by His Holiness. It was about love. It was all about kindness and generosity. It was about taking every opportunity that arises to express these truths. This is what people like His Holiness were trying to teach us. So I stepped back and let the man behind me be in front and nearer to His Holiness.

As I stepped back and stood behind the man with flowers, His Holiness walked by. As he did, he reached out his arm past the man with the flowers, and squeezed my shoulder and smiled at me. The love I felt in that moment instantly woke up more love that was buried in my heart. I was filled with joy!

We listened as His Holiness talked about helping the Tibetan people, and about all of us being good to one another. When he was ready to leave, we had to make another path for him. I ended up on the other side of the path, again right on its edge. I stood there, happy to be close to him again and filled with love. Then a woman behind me began to cry out and push me: “Your Holiness, your Holiness . . .” She really wanted to be near him. So, again I backed away and let her stand in front of me. And once again, as His Holiness walked by, he reached around this woman and squeezed my shoulder and smiled at me.

On the way to God the difficulties
Feel like being ground by a millstone,
Like night coming at noon, like
Lightning through the clouds.
But don’t worry!
What must come, comes.
Face everything with love,
As your mind dissolves in God.”

—LAL DED, KASHMIRI MYSTIC

What a lesson I learned! What a blessing I received. And it wasn’t about His Holiness knowing me by name, or even acknowledging me. Somehow, he saw my heart, my kindness, and returned it with his touch. Because I opened up my heart to love, love walked in and gave me a gentle squeeze.

I don’t know if the man with the flowers or the pleading woman got what they wanted. I hope so. But I left with a more open heart and a lesson well learned: that when I send out loving-kindness and generosity, I will receive those very things in return. I also learned that there will be times when it may appear as if I am giving up something (my spot in the line) but really I am opening up to something greater.

“Experience, with its wounds worn like trophies, longs to pass on its hard-won wisdom.”

—LOUISE CARUS MAHDI, COUNSELOR, WILDERNESS ADVENTURE GUIDE FOR TEENS

“Never spend time with people who don’t respect you.”

—MAORI PROVERBo

A STORY OF TIBETAN WISDOM

retold by Jack Kornfield

At Buddhist “initiations” or “empowerments” a learned teacher will empower the attendees with certain energies, such as compassion, love, and courage. Tibetan Buddhists are known to use many forms of visualizations in their spiritual practice. Skilled practitioners are known to manifest what they visualize as realistically as what we experience in the physical world.

One day, a great lama was giving an initiation to a large gathering, and a young woman came to receive the empowerment. It meant a great deal to this young woman to leave her home and travel alone to receive this lama’s empowerment.

In Tibet it is customary to give a gift to the lama at the end of such an empowerment as a token of appreciation. This young woman had a kilo of fresh yak butter to offer, one of the favored means of exchange in Tibet. It was a great deal of butter for this young woman with such meager resources to give away. She was holding it carefully under her jacket, and she planned to offer it to the master after receiving his blessing.

There came a time in the ceremony when the lama would ordinarily touch each disciple on the head with a sacred vessel filled with nectar. But because there were so many people gathered before him, he simply instructed them all to visualize the vase he was holding on his head, and imagine him placing it atop each of their heads.

The faithful young woman did exactly as instructed and received the empowerment in its entirety. But when the rite was completed, and it was time to offer her precious butter to the revered master, she stood up and uttered—in a voice sounding like the lama, and echoing his very words—“Now simply visualize, venerable lama, that you are receiving as my offering this kilo of fresh butter that you see in my hand!”

And then, laughing to herself, she made her way home, a stronger, wiser, and wealthier young woman indeed, with the butter tucked snugly under her arm.

“I distinguish excellent teachers by several criteria. They are, above all else, inspired. Their ideas and Beingness exalt and uplift anyone who may come in contact with them.”

—W. BRUGH JOY, M.D., FROM JOY’S WAY

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THE ROAD

You are about to go on the road trip of your life! This of course refers to your journey into your full independence, but it is also a metaphor for developing and making the most of your intuitive and spiritual powers. I wish for you a safe and beautiful journey and offer these recommendations as you venture out beyond the pages of this book.

If you have found this book helpful (all or some of it), great. But this book is not enough for you. I want you to put it down for a while and go in search of a spiritual teacher—a transpersonal psychotherapist, psychic healer, or mentor, or a spiritually focused class (sangha, yoga), so you can receive personal instruction. All the teachings in this book come from my heart to yours. However, I could not have afforded these teachings to you had I not received years of individual guidance from those who instructed me. My teachers included Tibetan lamas, a psychic development class, a vipassana sangha (Buddhist meditation group), American Buddhist teachers, an acupuncturist, a psychic healer, a craniosacral practitioner, and an excellent psychotherapist. Without these grounded and gifted teachers, this book would not be in your hands. The material in this book will become even more real for you when you find your own teachers and groups.

“The greatest and simplest power of a teacher is the environment of their own freedom.”

—JACK KORNFIELD, BUDDHIST MEDITATION TEACHER

“The wisdom teacher has verified these teachings through his own experience and, motivated by compassion, speaks to the student from the realization he has in his heart.”

—JAMGÖN KONGTRUL THE GREAT, AUTHOR OF THE TEACHER-STUDENT RELATIONSHIP

In Search of a Spiritual Teacher: What to Look For

I found my first teachers in the books I read: Stephen Levine, author of A Gradual Awakening; W. Brugh Joy, M.D., author of Joy’s Way; and John A. Sanford, who wrote The Kingdom Within. Then I went in search of flesh-and-blood teachers. Fortunately, I encountered safe, skillful, and dynamic mentors, but you should be aware that some spiritual teachers can do you harm. Before you commit to working with a healer or teacher, pay attention to which way the power—the energy—is going. Notice how you feel when you are with this person—drained or empowered? Strengthened or weakened? Hopeful or hopeless? Give yourself time to decide whether this person is the right teacher for you.

A good spiritual teacher will fill you with a sense of what is possible for you. He or she will build you up, not tear you down. Although good spiritual teachers may challenge some of your beliefs and decisions, they won’t do this in a way that makes you feel inferior. Whenever I was working with my spiritual teachers I noticed how they made room for all of the participants to feel their own personal power. Although my teachers were more knowledgeable than I was in a given area, I never felt small or unimportant. I knew that my power was also felt and honored by them. Even when they told me things that were hard to hear (such as, “You are in a bad situation, and you need to change it”), I never felt put down. To this day I continue to learn from some teachers in person, as well as many others through their writing.

Look for a psychic healer or spiritual teacher who:

has had professional training

has a good, proven reputation

has been recommended by someone you trust

has clear boundaries with you and does not ask favors from you

refers you to other practitioners who can help you, such as a therapist, chiropractor, support group, or homeopath

offers guidance to help you to make the best decisions for yourself, rather than making decisions for you and pre dicting your future

never asks for or expects sexual contact with you (even if you are of age to consent)

has a sense of humor and helps you to see the fun of it all

does not drain you of your energy, but whose energy is open and flowing toward you

builds on your strengths and makes you feel big and powerful. (If you feel yourself shrinking and getting small around a teacher, he or she may be on a power trip.)

does not claim to be the only one who can help you

does not force you to accept a particular belief system

does not pressure you to join a certain group

is not judgmental but has compassion and understanding for you and all others

allows the relationship to end when it is time

“In the lojong teachings the teacher is referred to as the spiritual friend, the Kalyanamitra. The teacher is like a senior warrior, or a student warrior who is further along the path. It is somebody who inspires you to walk the path of warriorship (spiritual truth) yourself. Looking at them reminds you of your own softness, your own clarity of mind, and your own ability to continually step out and open.”

—PEMA CHÖDRÖN, AUTHOR OF START WHERE YOU ARE

Before you search for the right practitioner to work with, consider what it is you desire and expect from a spiritual teacher or spiritual experience. Get as clear about this as possible. If you are not clear about what you are looking for in a teacher or in a spiritual practice, you may accept someone else’s agenda as your own. Of course, you may be unsure of what it is you want. So you may want to “try on” different ideas and practices for a fit. Even then, be clear that you are just checking out this Buddhist temple or this Christian group—without feeling pressured to join. You get to decide what group or teachings you want to be a part of, and you get to decide what fits for you and what doesn’t fit. You may receive helpful advice and suggestions, but ultimately the spiritual path you choose should be based on your questions and needs about your life. As always, let your intuition and your Rainbow Body be your guide.

“Healing has no cultural boundaries.”

—DR. DOWA, TIBETAN PHYSICIAN

“Give me knowledge, so I may have kindness for all.”

—PLAINS INDIAN PROVERB

What to Look Out For: Spiritual Seduction

Unfortunately, there are spiritual teachers who only want to possess and control you. Watch out for those who want to seduce you spiritually. Spiritual seduction occurs when someone convinces you that he or she has all the answers, or claims a special relationship with you (therefore, you feel you owe that person sex, more money, etc). Spiritual seduction makes you feel dependent on this other person for spiritual nourishment, and this is wrong. While a spiritual teacher may introduce you to spiritual truths, the real nourishment comes from the spirit within you and your external spiritual source.

“I kept wanting to hang out with this yoga teacher because he seemed to like me so much and he always could tell me what I needed to do. He said we had ‘karma’ to work out together and that we had spent many lifetimes together. I felt so connected to him. Then, when he assumed we would have sex, I thought, ‘Sure, it is just part of our karma, our relationship.’ And besides, I didn’t think he would do anything to hurt me. I was eighteen, so the choice was mine.
    “The weird thing is, I felt I had to keep going back to him for more, yet I wasn’t really feeling good about myself. I began to feel worse and worse about myself, which created this need for me to keep going to him for more. Then I met up with two other girls who felt the same way and were also having sex with him. I really crashed! I still haven’t gone back to a yoga class and don’t know if I ever can!”

—KIRSTEN, AGE 19

Someone who sees you and does not laugh out loud,
or fall silent, or explode in pieces,
is nothing more than the cement
and stone of his own prison.”

—RUMI, SUFI POET

The Real Thing

In 1993 I attended a weeklong retreat given by Sogyal Rinpoche, a Tibetan teacher and author of the book The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. I had just finished the book and I had the feeling it would be very important for me to attend this retreat. At least two hundred others had the same intuitive nudge.

Each day we would spend time receiving instructions from Sogyal Rinpoche and then spend the rest of the time practicing our meditations and chants. It was a very intense and empowering experience. Sogyal Rinpoche always brought lightheartedness into his teachings and ended each day with a loving-kindness meditation. Just being in his presence and the loving presence of the other teachers had a positive effect on me. Each day I was feeling stronger and surer of myself.

Tibetan Buddhists believe it is important for students to have personal contact with the teacher. They understand that the value of the teachings is often expressed through the unique qualities of the teacher. One day near the end of the retreat, Sogyal spent the day meeting with each one of us individually. We stood in alphabetically formed lines to wait for our turn. There were at least thirty other “Js” in my line, and I was somewhere near the end. I watched as others walked up to be greeted by Sogyal. I couldn’t imagine why this brief meeting would be so valuable until it was my turn to meet with him. I felt such a welcoming, such compassion from him that I could only breathe and let the tears quietly roll down my cheeks. He greeted me, and held my hands. He asked if I had any questions. I asked him about continuing the practice after the retreat was completed. He offered me a helpful answer and some words of encouragement. He mentioned something about my being of help to others. I not only didn’t feel small in the presence of this wonderful teacher, but I felt my own beauty and power as a teacher in my own right. In that brief time with him I knew that he was just an ordinary man; yet I also knew that he was a very accomplished teacher who offered incomparable wisdom and compassion.

This is what it feels like to be around a safe and skillful teacher. You feel loved and you feel the beauty and strength inside yourself get lit up when you are around him or her. It does no good to put a teacher on a pedestal, above you somehow. It is better that he or she is available to you and can illuminate the truth that is inside of you.

No one owns spiritual truth. All spiritual wisdom is for everyone —it isn’t anybody’s property. A good, safe teacher can help you come to understand and use spiritual wisdom, but teachers are also students. Even though I teach this material to others, I am still learning; I am still a student. We are all students of life, of the Great Mystery. Fortunately, the adage “There are many roads to enlightenment” proves to be true. It’s really about finding your own way, the way that is safe and powerful for you.

“In fact, the outer teacher is none other than the spokesman of our inner teacher, he teaches us how to receive the message of our inner teacher, and how to realize the ultimate teacher within, restoring a belief and confidence in ourselves and thereby freeing us from the suffering that comes from not knowing our True Nature.”

—SOGYAL RINPOCHE, FROM DZOGCHEN AND PADMASAMBHAVA

Now go freely . . . and follow what calls you.

 

I saw a white bird once
on a wild coast
and fell in love with this dream
which obsesses me.

—AKIKO, JAPANESE POET

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side . . .

“Does it mean having things that buzz inside of you and a stick out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up?” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once . . . You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

—MARGERY WILLIAMS, THE VELVETEEN RABBIT