I tucked Ethie into bed, the light beside her on the curving, bush-like end table dampening on its own as she sighed and half turned over, cheeks pink from crying. At least she’d finally wept herself into exhaustion. Maybe a good sleep would heal her heart enough she could move on.
I’d found the doorway to her new bedroom after the Gate closed, startled by two additions—one on the same side as the room I’d shared with Liam and another next to the archive. The cavern knew, it seemed. Happily made room for us.
I left my daughter to sleep in the pale green bed, peeking my head in across the corridor. Gabriel was passed out, too, lips parted, left foot twitching under the covers as he dreamed. The power of the cavern whispered around me, soothed him back into quiet.
I wanted to believe it was Liam. But I knew better than to go looking. My love was gone this time, for good. And no amount of wishing would change that.
A silver furred mound detached from the end of Gabriel’s bed and plopped down on the floor, pacing past me out the door and into Ethie’s room. I let Sass go without a word, grateful he’d shown up an hour or so ago, pawing at the shields around the cavern until I let him in. Made sure it wouldn’t keep him out again. And breathed a sigh of relief as his furry presence finally eased Ethie’s hurt. He’d spent the last little while going back and forth between bedrooms. I had a feeling he was in for a long night.
The soft touch of Enforcer magic hurt more than it should have, but I stepped back from Gabriel’s door and went to the entry, welcoming Quaid into the space. He materialized in a flare of blue fire, robeless, black t-shirt and dark wash jeans making him look young again. How familiar, that handsome face, the way his brows pulled together, the chocolate of his eyes, the zing of his power.
But not mine anymore. Never again mine. And I was okay with that.
“The kids.” He shifted his feet. “Are they okay?”
“Sleeping,” I said. Told him about Galleytrot.
Quaid grimaced. “I should have gone after him.”
I didn’t bother arguing. It wouldn’t have helped.
“Syd.” Quaid stopped, breathed. Seemed to deflate before meeting my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“So am I.” I really was.
“I know I’m the reason you left.” He ran one hand through his hair. “Or, part of it. I never meant to hurt you like that.”
“I just wish you’d told me,” I said, my greatest regret. “That you were unhappy for so long. I never wanted that for you, either.”
Quaid sighed, shoulders straightening. “It was supposed to be a fairy tale ending.”
I should have been sadder, instead of this soft, aching loss. “How’s Payten?” The babies.
He nodded his acknowledgment of my kindness in asking. “She’s fine,” he said. “Worried about the kids.”
“Does she give you what you need?” It wasn’t fair to ask, but I needed to know. “Did she? Before we…?”
“I never cheated on you, Syd.” Anger flared, faded. “Never. And I never would have. But, the night you divorced me, I was so hurt. I blamed you. And Payten was there, waiting for me.” He sighed, a gusty sound. “It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.”
“Because our lives have been textbook, haven’t they?” I managed a soft laugh.
He did, too.
“She looks up to me,” he said, hesitant and quiet. “Says I’m her hero. Syd, she needs me.” I understood. How important that was to him. For the first time ever, I got it.
And nodded. “I’m just glad you’re happy,” I said.
He closed the distance, hugged me. Gratefully, I hugged him back. Because, damn it, he was my friend. And I didn’t want to lose that along with everything else.
“He’d be proud of you,” Quaid whispered into my hair. “He loved you more than I ever could have.”
It had to have taken him a lot to admit that about Liam. Because of course that’s who he meant.
I leaned away, squeezed his hands. Broke the bad news. “Batsheva is alive,” I said. “I’m sorry I didn’t kill her.”
Quaid shrugged. “We’ll get around to it,” he said. “I have more important things in my life than that old hate.”
Good to know we were both growing up. He backed away from me, the hurt in him diminished and I felt myself able to breathe, to relax. And smile.
“I’ll keep you posted on Femke,” he said. “But Syd, whatever reason you have for not helping her… please. If she was ever your friend.”
I nodded firmly. “I made a semi-promise to mind my own business,” I said, thinking about the council and the way they’d tried to hurt my mother. Worst. Choice. Ever. “That’s over now. I’ll do everything I can to make sure Femke recovers.” If that were even possible. But one thing was crystal clear. No matter who tried to stop me or get in my way, I wasn’t going anywhere.
And anyone who tried to hurt the ones I loved were in for a hell of a ride.
I let him go. Turned, looking down at my pink hands with my human vision. And felt my final visitor of the night step through the veil, waiting patiently for me in the Gate cavern.
With a faint feeling of trepidation and loss, I went to tell Max I wasn’t drach anymore.
I’m pretty sure the drach leader already knew. At least, he didn’t seem surprised when he saw me. In fact, by the time I reached his side, the loss of my new family hit me rather keenly, like a blade severing something important I didn’t know I missed.
His gentle smile was as kind as always, as supportive. The Max, who had, briefly, turned bitter and confrontational, had gone again. Which made me think, with some irritation, if his pressure about the “small stuff” was some kind of Fate construct meant to push me over the edge.
Zoe and I had a lot to talk about. Either that or I was in serious need of therapy for my paranoia issues.
“How do you feel?” Kind of him to ask.
I reached inside, for the drach in me. Found her, but distant, my wings a dream, the song of the species fading. To the point I knew, even if I tried, I could no longer sing his name to him, or my own for that matter. I didn’t expect that to make me so emotional.
Who was I kidding? I used to call Mom a supernatural faucet. She had nothing on my waterworks lately.
“I’ll miss flying,” I whispered. Was that really the most important thing I wanted to tell him? Silly Syd. He was drach. He understood.
Flying was everything.
“That part of you will always remain,” he said. “And be waiting for you, when the time comes.”
I wasn’t used to losing what I’d gained. Every time I added a new ego, I only became stronger. This felt entirely different, like backsliding. Absolutely and utterly disappointing.
“I want it back now.” I sounded so petulant in my own ears. Like Ethie.
Max chuckled. “You do know,” he said, “we were both fools to think you could ever stop being Sydlynn Thaddea Hayle above all else.”
The black ribbon, quiet for this little while, flexed and sighed, settling in happier contentment. This should have made me feel better, but just made me sad.
My vampire sighed. Max is right, of course.
Hate it when he’s right, my demon groused.
We’ll survive, Shaylee sent. We always do.
I would fly again. If it was the last thing I did.
And then, in a move that floored me completely and left me gaping, Max leaned forward and pressed his cool lips to my forehead. Daughter of my heart, he sent. How I’ve adored having you with me all these days. But even I know I must let you go now to do what must be done.
Daughter? Choke. I had a dad, of course I did. But Max. Yeah.
I hugged him, arms tight around him, and he embraced me in turn, gently, as though not certain it was a good idea. “I’m scared,” I whispered into his robe, feeling his drach power hum through me. “What if the council is right? Batsheva? What if I’m meant to end this Universe?”
Max sighed, the sound rumbling in my ear. “If you are, it will be for the very best of reasons and because it is absolutely necessary for you to do so,” he said. “Of that I will never, ever doubt.” I wished I had his confidence, clung to him a moment longer. “I have known you long enough now, Syd, to be assured whatever choice you make, it will be the only one that serves the greatest good.”
That wasn’t exactly reassuring. Because there were a gazillion scenarios out there I couldn’t foresee. “Even if it means everyone I love dies?”
Max pushed me gently away, hands on my shoulders. “Do you really believe Creator would go to so much effort to make you, to nurture and form you, to strengthen you, just to send you to a fate that would destroy you?”
Did I really have to answer that?
Max left me, a slow, gentle wave of one hand preceding his departure. I hugged myself in the return of the quiet of the cavern. Considered going to bed. But I was too wound up just yet. I turned, watched Sass pad across the corridor one more time, returning to Gabriel, the midnight sentinel of happy dreams. And rejected the idea of sleep.
Instead, I drifted to the door of the archive and peeked inside. This had been Liam’s true domain, the place he always seemed happiest. According to legend—and I never doubted Liam’s information was true—the Sidhe archive possessed every book ever written in the history of the Universe. In every language, from every race. How the magic accomplished it, I had no idea. But, I’d tested it a few times when Liam was still alive, asked for random tomes and found them readily available, as if the cavern was eager to prove itself to me. And to him.
There was a lovely comfort in entering the archive, the long, narrow walkways disappearing back into endless darkness, only the front portion near the door lit with permalight. Liam’s desk stood just inside, a heavy oak thing, carved with Sidhe symbols and people, trees and flowing water that looked almost real. I ran my fingers over the carvings, across the back of the velvet cushioned chair that I typically used, across from Liam’s larger, more elaborate, seat. Continued to circle until I could pull back the padded chair, sink into its soft surface. Bring my knees to my chest, heels hooked on the edge of the cushion, close my eyes. Breathe in Liam’s scent still lingering on the upholstery.
I told myself I wasn’t going to. But I couldn’t resist searching for him despite what I already knew. That his soul, the part he’d left behind, had burned out in the search and connection with Alison. Did I really need to pile on more sadness? As I allowed my magic to hunt for him, to connect with the cavern, I felt myself calm, heal a little.
He was gone. But this place, his home, was my home now. And even if I’d never see him again, at least my heart lived where his had lived.
I opened my eyes, found myself smiling. Looked down at the shining silver cover of his closed and quiet laptop. It sat here for years, waiting for him to return. I was shocked to realize the tiny light on the front glowed green. That the computer had power.
Well, the cavern was magic after all. Liam was never able to explain to me why he was able to get Wi-Fi here, or much of anything else that worked in this place. Like cell phones. Crazy. But I wasn’t about to argue with magic like that.
My fingers stroked the surface and, in a swift motion, I opened the lid, not sure what I expected to find.
Froze as the wallpaper came to life, backlit and glowing.
The handsome young man with the strawberry blond hair hugged the beautiful twenty-something woman, her dark hair piled in curls around her, white dress hugging her slim body. He was laughing, mouth open, hazel eyes alight, as was she, looking up at him as though he was the center of her whole world. In the background, the sun set over the house in Wilding Springs.
Our wedding day.
My hands trembled as I closed the lid. I could do this. I could.
I just needed a minute to cry.
Sass showed up just in time to purr me into gentle heaves of grief as I clung to him and wept for what could have been.
***