Chapter 4

Bern, September 1911

“I really hope I faint and Mother sends me home to bed,” Rebecca whispered to her best friend, Sarah.

“I hope my mother is right about my weak constitution,” Sarah said, fanning herself with her hands vigorously. Her red hair, arranged beautifully in a chignon earlier in the morning, was now hanging in loose strands.

Their mothers sat only a few rows away, forcing the girls to whisper or risk a reprimand. Sarah was engaged to be married and, therefore, was observed for proper behavior at all times. It was sweltering in the women’s gallery of the synagogue, yet they’d been forced to sit at the Rosh Hashanah service for most of the day. The service was held on the ground floor, which was reserved for men, and Rebecca could see her father’s head, clad in his silk yarmulke, on one of the benches close to the rabbi.

Rebecca tried to distract herself by counting panes of stained glass on the other side of the synagogue, behind several rows of other women banished just like her, far from the sight of the men, the rabbi, and the cantor. Her new lace dress itched fiercely, and the collar suffocated her. Sweat dripped slowly down her sides. At least she had refused to wear the corset today. Hopefully, Mother would continue not to notice.

She checked on Hannah. Of course, her sister was pretending to listen to the readings. Anything to look proper. None of them could understand a word. Why wouldn’t Rabbi Hirsch allow the teaching of Hebrew to women? If rabbis finally accepted that women were smart enough to connect with God, then the women might stop looking at the Holy Days as just a social occasion. When Rebecca was accepted to the university, she knew she’d never again set foot in the synagogue until women were treated as equal to men.

“Look down over there.” Sarah pointed discreetly with her chin.

Rebecca followed and saw a group of young men sitting in the back corner downstairs. They were dressed noticeably poorer and were making some noises, attracting attention and hushes from the elders.

“Who are they?” she asked.

“Russian university students,” Sarah whispered. “Mother says they’re trouble. The university trustees are letting them study here.”

“They don’t look so dangerous.”

“Oh, they are. They march through the streets and sing late at night. They live right in the center of the city in boardinghouses, but some houses are starting to refuse them now.”

“But do they study too?”

“Perhaps, although Mother says they pretend to study, and that they’re really all revolutionaries. The governor tried to ban them from the city a while ago, but the university refused, and now more of them are coming. They don’t have to take the Matura to enroll, just show that they received some sort of education wherever they came from.”

“They seem to be having fun.” Rebecca observed in envy as the young men bumped each other’s shoulders, laughing and obviously ignoring the hushes. She could hardly stop herself from laughing while watching. One of them seemed oblivious to the fun, leaning with his elbows on his knees, his eyes covered in small, round glasses, intent on listening to Rabbi Hirsch. Someone patted him on the shoulder, and he turned, brushing his light brown hair off his forehead. The man who disturbed his concentration then pointed straight toward the gallery.

“Is he pointing at us?” Sarah asked.

“Why would he be pointing at us?”

Rebecca watched, eyes wide, as the man with the glasses rose a little from his bench, bowed, and blew a kiss straight to her. She sank into her seat, mortified, and prayed harder than she’d ever prayed that she was mistaken and the kiss was meant for someone else. She prayed even harder that her mother hadn’t noticed. The kiss surely wasn’t meant for her! It must’ve been for Sarah; no man had ever noticed her before.

The loud sustained blast of the shofar, the ceremonial ram’s horn, saved her. Now they’d walk to the creek and she could speak to Grandmother about yesterday. Mother had hardly said a word to her this morning. It was understandable, of course. Rebecca felt incredibly guilty for her behavior. It wasn’t proper, even if it was an accident. And even if it was Mother’s fault for inviting that despicable boy to dinner without warning. But she needed Mother to forgive her. And allow her to take her examinations on Thursday.

She spent the rest of the time in synagogue alternating between anger, guilt, and self-pity. As she left the synagogue, holding hands with Sarah, she couldn’t help it—she looked back to see if the Russian men were still there. The benches were empty now. Her friend was forced to walk home with her fiancé’s family. Rebecca gave her a hurried kiss, sad as always to see her taken away by Friedrick, a man she considered Sarah’s inferior, overall.

To her dismay, on the way back Mother continued to ignore her. Father and Hannah were in the best of spirits, and Rebecca felt some relief as they threw their bread crumbs into the creek and she imagined her guilt floating away with the crumbs. After all, according to tradition, her sins were gone and Mother had to forgive her now.

She walked home slowly, strolling down Kapellenstrasse with her grandmother, Rahel, who leaned on her arm. She was quiet for a few minutes, thinking of how best to approach the topic of last night’s dinner. She was pleased to spend some time with Grandmother. She lived only a few minutes away by carriage, but Rebecca had been so busy lately, studying for her exams, that she had hardly spent more than a few minutes with her.

She felt a pat on her arm. “We all make mistakes when we’re young, dear. Just try a little harder to please your mother.”

“You’ve heard, of course.” Rebecca sighed.

“You didn’t think something like this would escape my ears?”

“No, of course not.”

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, dear.”

“Hannah behaves so much better in company because she really wants to be married, and I don’t.”

“Hannah is a different person. I have no desire to see an intelligent girl like you get married. Education is what’s important in these modern times and not marriage. Look what education has done for your father. Your mother would do well remembering that.”

“But I don’t know how to please her and Father at the same time. I seem to always disappoint someone, mostly Mother,” Rebecca said.

“You won’t go wrong with showing proper manners and pleasing your mother. Behaving rudely in front of company is not acceptable in any home.” Grandmother’s tone was firm.

“Grossmami, I’ll never have great manners as you do, and I will never be as beautiful as Mother or Hannah. Papi says if I go to the university, I can make sure to have a job and money all on my own and at least then I can be worth something.”

Grandmother stopped and turned Rebecca to face her. “You are already worth everything to me, my dear. Don’t ever think you are worth less than someone else. And you have a gift passed on to you from your father. It’s been in our family for a long time.”

A few minutes later they arrived at home. Rebecca felt a kiss on her cheek and was grateful. “Maybe this is a good opportunity to check on your mother.” Grandmother pointed in the direction of the parlor. “I’ll sit with Hannah and your father in the garden.”

Rebecca nodded but paused in the hallway. What was she going to say? How to apologize when you hate doing so? She looked at her face in the hallway mirror and whispered silently to her reflection. Rebecca, if you can’t face your mother and speak for your choices now, how can you do it when you’re learning medicine among men?

She watched her cheeks turn pink, her eyes narrow, and her chin turn up. She had to get Mother’s permission for Thursday’s Matura, or what else was she going to do with her life?

She walked quickly to the reading parlor. Mother was having tea and rubbing her temples in exhaustion. Rebecca sat next to her on the sofa. In the end, it wasn’t so difficult to find the words.

“Mother, my behavior was improper last night. I don’t know what came over me. I’m very sorry.”

Mother’s eyes were icy. “We had a well-respected family to dinner last night, and you greatly disappointed your father and me. Your prospects for getting married are not very good, and you’ll need to remember your manners and your family’s honor when you’re introduced to eligible young men from good families.” Her words cut sharply through the air.

“Mother, you know that I have no wish to be married!” Rebecca bit her lip. She needed to control her temper and endure this quietly.

“And what is wrong with being married, I’d like to know? You’ll have a family and a home to care for. And a respectable place in a community. What is it that we didn’t provide you with in this home?” Mother’s lips were pursed.

“But Mother, I’m not interested in being a wife. I see what marriage is like. Father is ten years older than you. You don’t care for his work, and he doesn’t appreciate your love of art and music.”

“Oh, you silly child,” Mother said. “It’s true we have different interests and he’s older, but it doesn’t mean our marriage is deficient. We might not understand each other all the time, but we respect and care for each other. In truth, I can’t imagine life without Joseph.”

“You respect and care for him, but you don’t love him.”

“Pfft.” Mother waved her hand in dismissal. “What do you know about love? Love does not buy you a nice home and a good place in society. Love brings you trouble and heartbreak. And it doesn’t last long, either.”

“It’s not that I want to avoid marriage.” Rebecca tried to find the right words. “It’s just that I want to learn about the world and become my own person. Before I get married.”

Tears grew in Mother’s eyes and began to roll gently down her tired face. “If your brother didn’t pass away, your father would’ve never filled your head with this university nonsense. You don’t have to take your brother’s place.”

“Oh Mami, it’s not because of my brother. Do you not remember? Karl and I were always studying together. I’ve always been this way.”

Rebecca wiped her own tears, kneeled by Mother, and took her hand, truly hoping for forgiveness now, and not just for the permission to take the Matura. It had been a long time since they had gotten along, and she really missed her mother and the way things used to be between them.

“I feared this would happen one day. When I married your father, I knew his family had this curse,” Mother said.

“What curse? What are you talking about?”

“In every generation in his family, there’s always someone who carries a gift for healing. It’s a calling they are born with, and it’s what they must do. We were sure it was Karl, but it appears we were wrong…”

“I don’t think I have any special gifts. I just want to know things. Did you ever want to learn, like me, Mami? You always say such smart things. I just know you must’ve wanted to learn more.”

“Oh, I did. My mother allowed me to finish the Gymnasium, so that I would play piano and speak French and know how to write and read well. When I was your age, women in Vienna couldn’t go to the university. I always wanted to get married. I liked the idea of a quiet life, of being the mistress of my home.”

“I don’t think I’m very much like you, Mami. I don’t want a quiet life,” Rebecca said.

“I know, child. You’re just like your father.”

“It’s just that I really need to understand life, and the science of how humans work, and how I can make things better for them. I think I could make you, and Papi, and our family proud. Maybe I could even help fulfill God’s purpose for me,” Rebecca suggested.

“You’d be very lucky if you heard the universe tell you what your purpose is,” Father said as he walked into the room.

“My voice will not be heard, I see. You’ve decided against me, and you’re sending her to the university.” Mother rubbed her temples in agitation.

“My dear, your voice is very much heard. But we need to hear Rebecca’s voice as well, and she has spoken on the matter clearly many times.”

He walked to his favorite chair and sat down, stretching his legs. “It is 1911, and we have several hundred women at the university. Doing very well, I might add. Many have successfully defended their dissertations now.”

“These are not Swiss women studying at the university—it’s those Russian revolutionaries the Faculty of Medicine is allowing in. What if your daughter forms friendships with those political refugees and spends all her time at their meetings instead of the science lectures?”

Father shook his head and looked at Rebecca. Winning an argument with Mother was never easy.

“Dear Mami, I wish I could make things easier for myself and for you and for our family. But I can’t. I can’t have an ordinary life. I’m scared that this is not the right path for me, but I’m also scared not to follow it. I have to do this. Please allow it.” Rebecca tried again.

She felt her mother’s soft embrace. She knew she was forgiven but likely not understood.

“I don’t understand,” Mother confirmed. “I might never understand how a beautiful, gifted woman would choose to waste her life in a schoolroom. But if you must do this…”

This was the first time Mother had ever called her beautiful, Rebecca thought with sadness. She felt she was pleasing one of her parents but betraying the other, and there was no easy way for her heart to reconcile this. She gave Mother a kiss and asked to step out before dinner to compose herself.

In her room, Rebecca sat by the window and cried her heart out with guilt about hurting Mother’s feelings, fear over what the future held for her, and relief at knowing she was on her way to accomplishing what she wanted more than anything in the world. When she was done crying, she wiped her eyes on the bottom of her new dress, watching the wet smudges of tears ruin the delicate lace.